>Heinrich and burgomaster snap to attention, turning their heads
skywards. A distant rumble is heard, which gradually dies down.
At ease! His excellency have turned away and disappeared among flames
and smoke!
Heinrich. Patrolling.
Burgomaster. Right. Listen, now you tell me one little itty-bitty
thing. The dragon, he really did not give any orders?
Heinrich. He didn't, daddy.
Burgomaster. No killing, then?
Heinrich. Killing who?
Burgomaster. Our dear savior, who else. Didn't he order us to just
whack the guy discreetly? Don't be shy now, you can tell me. We're all just
one big family. Sonny? Keeping hush, are you?
Heinrich. I am.
Burgomaster. That's OK. I understand. Business is business, nothing you
can do about it. Right.
Heinrich. Let me remind you, Mr. Burgomaster, that in a few minutes the
festive ceremony of conferring of the weapons upon our Mr. Hero there is
scheduled to take place. Might happen that Puff himself would deign to
attend, and you haven't anything ready.
Burgomaster. All right, all right. I'm going. We'll pick some weapons
for him in a snap. Satisfaction guaranteed. Tie up my sleeves. Here he
comes! Here comes Lancelot!
Heinrich. Take him away from here. Elsa is coming, and I need a talk
with her.
Enter Lancelot.
Burgomaster. Glory, glory, hosanna, St. George, the Victory Bringer!
Oops, sorry. That's just my delirium talking. For a moment there, I could
swear I saw a resemblance.
Lancelot. That's quite possible. He's my distant relative.
Burgomaster. So, how did you pass the night?
Lancelot. Walking around.
Burgomaster. Made any friends?
Lancelot. Sure.
Burgomaster. Who?
Lancelot. Your anxious citizens would sic their dogs on me. You've got
some very sensible dogs, I can tell you. That's who I made friends with.
They understood me, because they love their masters and wish them well. We
talked until dawn.
Burgomaster. Picked up any fleas?
Lancelot. Not at all. Those were very nice, clean mutts.
Burgomaster. Do you remember their names, by any chance?
Lancelot. They asked not to tell.
Burgomaster. Can't stand the dogs, myself.
Lancelot. Your loss.
Burgomaster. Such simple creatures.
Lancelot. You think it's so simple to love their masters? The dogs know
full well what kind of people their masters are. They weep, but they still
love. Did you send after me?
Burgomaster. After me, the stork exclaimed as he speared the snake with
his sharp beak. After me, said the king looking back at his queen. After me
the lasses came flying astride elegant canes. In short, yes, I did send
after you, Mr. Lancelot.
Lancelot. What can I do for you?
Burgomaster. Fresh shipment of cheese is on sale at the Mueller's
dairy. Modesty and a sheer dress are the girl's best friends. Wild geese are
flying over the cradle at sunset. The town council is waiting for you to
appear at its session.
Lancelot. Why?
Burgomaster. Why do linden trees grow on the Dragonpaw street? Why
dance when you want to kiss? Why kiss when the horses are waiting? Members
of the town council need to see you in person to figure out what kind of
weapon will be most appropriate for you. Let's go present ourselves to them!
Exit Burgomaster and Lancelot.
Heinrich. Old man dragon had a cow, e-i-e-i-o. He said "We'll see about
that now", e-i-e-i-o... Puff the magic dragon said "Just wait and see"... We
shall wait and see, we shall wait and see...
Enter Elsa.
Elsa!
Elsa. I am here. Did you send after me?
Heinrich. I did. Such a pity there's this sentry on the wall. If not
for that extremely annoying circumstance, I would have embraced and kissed
you.
Elsa. And I would have punched you.
Heinrich. Ah, Elsa. You always were a little too virtuous. But it
suited you, it did. There's a certain something hidden behind your modesty.
Puff has an eye for girls. He always chose the ones with the most potential,
that naughty noggins. Is Lancelot hitting after you yet?
Elsa. Shut up.
Heinrich. On the other hand, he probably isn't. Even if there were an
old spinster in your place, he'd have gotten himself right into the scuffle
all the same. He does not care who he's saving. It's part of his training. I
bet he didn't even take time to look at you closely.
Elsa. We have just met.
Heinrich. That's not an excuse.
Elsa. Did you bring me here only to say all of this?
Heinrich. Oh no. I brought you here to ask -- will you marry me?
Elsa. Stop it!
Heinrich. I am serious. I am authorized to inform you of the following:
if you are going to be dutiful and kill Lancelot when needed, Puff will let
you go free as a reward.
Elsa. I don't want to.
Heinrich. Let me finish. Instead of you another girl will be selected.
You don't know her. She's a commoner, and she's planned for the next year
anyway. So, it's your choice: a stupid death or a life filled with such
pleasures that have so far only appeared in your dreams, and even then they
were disappointingly rare.
Elsa. He's just scared!
Heinrich. Who? Puff? I know all of his weaknesses. He's a tyrant, a
blockhead, a leech -- take your pick, but he's not a coward.
Elsa. Is that why he was threatening yesterday and bargaining today?
Heinrich. That is my victory.
Elsa. Yours?
Heinrich. I am the real dragon slayer, if you wish. I can solicit
anything. I was just waiting for my chance, and here it came. I am not so
stupid as to concede you to anyone.
Elsa. I don't believe you.
Heinrich. Yes, you do.
Elsa. It does not matter, I cannot kill a person!
Heinrich. But you did bring your knife, didn't you? I can see it
attached to your belt. I have to go, dear, to put on my ceremonial livery.
But I am sure of you. You'll carry out your orders -- for your own sake and
mine. Life, entire life is before us just for the asking. Think about it, my
precious.
Exit Heinrich.
Elsa. Oh my god. My cheeks are flushed as if I were kissing him. How
shameful! He almost convinced me... So that's how I am! So be it. Very well.
Enough. I was the most obedient girl in town. I believed everything. And
what did it get me? Sure, everyone respected me, but happiness would always
come to someone else. They are sitting now in their houses, selecting their
most festive frocks, ironing the lace. Putting on their curls. They are
going out to admire my misfortune. I can just see them sitting in front of
their mirrors with their powder boxes, saying "Poor Elsa! That poor girl,
she was ever so nice!" And I am here all alone, alone in this square, I
stand here and suffer. And that idiot guard is gawking at me thinking what
the dragon is going to do to me today. And tomorrow that guard would still
be alive, he'll have a break after his watch. He will go to the waterfall,
where the river is so joyful that even the gloomiest people cannot but smile
looking at how merrily it jumps. Or he might go to the park, where the
gardener have grown a patch of wonderful black-eyed Susans that can squint,
wink at you and even read, provided the book is written in big letters and
has a happy ending. Or he would go rowing on the lake that the dragon
boiled, where the mermaids are so gentle since then. Not only they don't
sink anyone anymore, they even sit in shallow waters and sell lifejackets.
But they are still beautiful, and soldiers like chatting with them. And this
stupid soldier would tell the mermaids how the happy music was playing, and
everyone was crying, and the dragon was taking me to his cave. And the
mermaids will ooh and aah and say "Oh, poor Elsa, that poor girl, the
weather is so nice today and she's gone!" I don't want to! I want to see
everything, hear everything, feel everything. There! I want to be happy!
There! I brought the knife to kill myself. And I won't. There!
Lancelot walks out of the town hall.
Lancelot. Elsa! You can't imagine how happy I am to see you!
Elsa. Why?
Lancelot. My sweet lady, I had such a hard day that my soul is simply
crying out for some rest, if only for a moment. And here I meet you, as if
on purpose.
Elsa. Were you at the meeting?
Lancelot. I was.
Elsa. Why did they ask you there?
Lancelot. They offered me money if I would drop out of the fight.
Elsa. And what did you tell them?
Lancelot. I told them: you poor fools! Let's not talk about them. Elsa,
you look even more beautiful today than you did yesterday. This is a sure
sign that I really do like you. Do you believe I will save you?
Elsa. No.
Lancelot. And I am not offended by that. This shows how much I like
you, I guess.
Enter Elsa's Girlfriends.
Elsa's 1[st] Girlfriend. Here we are.
Elsa's 2[nd] Girlfriend. We're Elsa's best friends.
Elsa's 3[rd] Girlfriend. We were so close for so many years,
since we were little.
Elsa's 1[st] Girlfriend. She was the smartest.
Elsa's 2[nd] Girlfriend. She was the nicest.
Elsa's 3[rd] Girlfriend. And still she would care about us
so much. She would sew anything you'd ask, and help you with your homework,
and cheer you up you when you think you're the most miserable girl in the
world.
Elsa's 1[st] Girlfriend. Are we late?
Elsa's 2[nd] Girlfriend. Are you really going to fight him?
Elsa's 3[rd] Girlfriend. Mister Lancelot, can you arrange it
so that they let us on the roof of the town hall? They would not dare to
turn you down if you asked them. We so want to see the fight up close.
Elsa's 1[st] Girlfriend. Now you're mad at us.
Elsa's 2[nd] Girlfriend. You don't want to talk to us
anymore.
Elsa's 3[rd] Girlfriend. But we're not bad girls, we really
aren't.
Elsa's 1[st] Girlfriend. You think we are not letting you
say goodbye to Elsa on purpose.
Elsa's 2[nd] Girlfriend. But we are not.
Elsa's 3[rd] Girlfriend. Heinrich ordered us not to leave
the two of you alone until sir dragon allows it.
Elsa's 1[st] Girlfriend. He told us to keep chatting.
Elsa's 2[nd] Girlfriend. So here we are, chatting like
idiots.
Elsa's 3[rd] Girlfriend. Because otherwise we would have had
to cry. You, stranger, don't have any idea how embarrassing it is to cry
before strangers.
Charlemagne walks out of the town hall.
Charlemagne. The meeting has ended, Mr. Lancelot. The decision
concerning your weapons has been made. Please forgive us. Please take pity
on us, the poor murderers, Mr. Lancelot.
Trumpets sound. Servants quickly file out of the town hall, laying out
the carpets and setting the chairs. They put a large, very ornate chair in
the middle, with simpler chairs to the left and right of it. Burgomaster
walks out, surrounded by town council members. He's very cheerful. Heinrich,
dressed in livery, is accompanying them.
Burgomaster. That is a very funny joke... How did she go? "I thought
that to boys it comes naturally?" Ha-ha-ha! Have you heard this one? Very
funny. One gypsy got his head chopped off...
Trumpets.
Oh, everything's ready. All right, I'll tell you after the ceremony.
Remind me. Let's go, people, let's go. Let's get this over with.
City council members stand to the right and left of the big chair in
the middle. Heinrich goes behind that chair.
(Bowing to the empty chair, very quickly) Overwhelmed and humbled by
the trust that you, your excellency, invest in us by allowing us to
adjudicate decisions of such importance, we beseech you to assume the place
of the honorary chairman. Going once, going twice... Dejectedly, we
acknowledge the inevitable. Got to carry on by ourselves. Please be seated.
I declare this mooting...
Pause.
Water!
A servant brings up water from the well. Burgomaster drinks.
I declare this meddling... Water! (Drinks. Clears his throat, in a very
high-pitched voice) I declare (in a deep voice) this meeting... Water!
(Drinks. High voice) Thank you, darling! (deep voice) Get lost, screwball!
(his own voice) Congratulations, people, I've got split personalities. (deep
voice) What do you think you're doing, you old hag? (high voice) Can't you
see, I am the chairman. (deep voice) That's a man's job! (high voice) I am
not so thrilled about it myself, honey. Please don't show me your derision,
I just need to read decision. (his own voice) On passage: providing weapons
for one Mr. Lancelot. Resolution: provide such, though it pains us greatly.
Hey, you there! Get those weapons over here.
Trumpets sound. Enter Servants. First servant hands Lancelot a small
copper basin that has thin leather straps attached to it.
Lancelot. That's a barber's wash-basin.
Burgomaster. Why yes, but we have temporarily promoted it to helmet.
This copper tray is appointed a shield. Don't be concerned. Even things in
our town are disciplined and obedient. They will carry out their duties to
the best of their abilities. Unfortunately, we have no suits of armor in the
town storage. But we do have a spear. (Hands Lancelot a piece of paper.)
This is hereby given to you to certify that the spear is undergoing
preventive maintenance at this point, which is affirmed by appropriate
signatures and affixing of the town seal. All you have to do is present this
to sir dragon during the fight, and everything is going to be just fine.
That's all, folks! (deep voice) Just close the meeting, old hag! (high
voice) I'm closing, I'm closing. These people nowadays, they always get
angry, angry, don't know why they're angry... (singing) Teensy-weensy
Knightie went up the water spout... (deep voice) Close it! (high voice) What
do you think I'm doing? (singing) Down came the Dragon and took the Knightie
out... Out came the sun, and this session is now closed.
Sentry. Attention! To the sky! His excellency have appeared over the
Gray mountains and is now approaching at enormous speed!
All present jump up and freeze with their heads turned skywards. A
distant rumble is heard, growing louder by the moment. The stage darkens.
Complete darkness. Rumbling suddenly stops.
Attention! His excellency is floating above us like a storm cloud,
obscuring the sun! Don't breathe!
Two little green points light up.
Cat. (whispering) Hey, Lancelot. This is Cat.
Lancelot. (whispering) I know. I've recognized you by your eyes.
Cat. I am going to be nodding off on the wall. Pick a moment, pussyfoot
over there -- I have something very pleasant I'd like to purr to you...
Sentry. Attention! His excellency is dashing heads-long onto the
square!
A deafening whistle. Lights come on. There is a small, pale, elderly
man sitting with his feet in the big chair.
Cat. (from the wall) Don't be afraid, my dear Lancelot. That's his
third noggin. He just swaps them when he wants to.
Burgomaster. Your excellency! There were no extraordinary incidents
within the limits of the town entrusted into my care. One person taken to
the precinct. Present are ...
Dragon. (very calmly) Get lost. Everyone get lost. Stranger excluded.
Everybody leaves. Left on the stage are Lancelot, Dragon and Cat who is
sleeping on top of the wall.
How are you feeling?
Lancelot. Fine, thanks.
Dragon. What are these pans on the ground?
Lancelot. My weapons.
Dragon. Did my people think of that?
Lancelot. They did.
Dragon. Those rascals. I bet you're offended.
Lancelot. I'm not.
Dragon. Lies. I've got cold blood, but even I would take offence.
Scared?
Lancelot. No.
Dragon. Lies again. My people are very scary. Won't find any like them
anywhere. Solid piece of work. Hewn them myself.
Lancelot. They're still human.
Dragon. That's from the outside.
Lancelot. No.
Dragon. If you could see their souls, that would give you a fright.
Lancelot. No.
Dragon. You'd run away. Wouldn't risk your life for the cripples. My
dear man, I crippled them myself. Crippled them exactly as required. You
see, the human soul is very resilient. Cut the body in half -- and the man
croaks. But tear the soul apart -- and it only becomes more pliable, that's
all. No, really, you couldn't pick a finer assortment of souls anywhere.
Only in my town. Souls with no hands. Souls with no legs. Mute souls, deaf
souls, chained souls, snitch souls, damned souls. Do you know why the
burgomaster parades his supposed madness around? To conceal that he does not
have any soul at all. Hollow souls, corrupt souls, worn out souls, dead
souls. A pity they're invisible, really.
Lancelot. You're lucky they are.
Dragon. How do you mean?
Lancelot. People would be horrified if they could see with their own
eyes what happened to their souls. They would rather march to their deaths
then remain enslaved. Who is going to feed you then?
Dragon. I'll be damned. You might be onto something there. So, shall we
begin?
Lancelot. Why not.
Dragon. Say goodbye first to the girl you are dying for. Boy!
Heinrich runs in.
Fetch Elsa.
Heinrich runs out.
Do you like the girl I've chosen?
Lancelot. I do, very much.
Dragon. Glad to hear that. I also like her very much. An excellent
girl. Very obedient girl.
Enter Elsa and Heinrich.
Come, come here, my sweet. Look into my eyes. That's right. Perfect.
The eyes are bright. You may kiss my hand now. That's right. Excellent. The
lips are warm. This means your soul is clear. Would you like to say goodbye
to Mr. Lancelot?
Elsa. As you wish, sir dragon.
Dragon. Here's what I wish. Go. Have a nice talk with him. Have a very
nice, tender talk with him. Kiss him goodbye. That's all right. I am going
to be right there. You may do it if I'm there. And then kill him. It's OK. I
am going to be right there. You will do it if I'm there. Go on. You can take
him a little farther along from here. I have excellent eyesight. I'll see
everything. Go on.
Elsa comes up to Lancelot.
Elsa. They told me to say goodbye to you, Mr. Lancelot.
Lancelot. All right, Elsa. Let's say goodbye just in case. This is
going to be a serious battle. Who knows what might happen. I'd only like to
tell you that I love you, Elsa.
Elsa. Me!
Lancelot. Yes, Elsa. Yesterday I liked you so much when I saw you
walking so quietly home with your father. Then I noticed that every time I
meet you, you look more and more beautiful. There, I thought. This might be
it. And then, when you kissed the dragon's paw, I was not angry, just very
sad. That's when I could see it all clearly. I love you, Elsa. Please don't
be angry. I wanted so much for you to know that.
Elsa. I thought that even if there were another girl in my place, you
still would have challenged the dragon.
Lancelot. Of course I would have. Those dragons, I just can't stand
them. But for you, I am ready to strangle him with my bare hands. Even
though that's pretty disgusting.
Elsa. You love me, then.
Lancelot. I do. What a horrible thought: if at that place yesterday
where three roads met together I turned left instead of right, we would
never have seen each other. Isn't this scary?
Elsa. It is.
Lancelot. Isn't it? I have a feeling now that I don't have anyone
closer to me than you are. And I think about your town as being my own,
because you live here. If I am... What I'm saying is that if we don't get a
chance to talk anymore, please do not forget about me.
Elsa. No.
Lancelot. Please don't. This is the first time today that you looked
into my eyes. And I've just felt this incredible warmness inside, as if you
have caressed me. I am just a stranger, light as a feather, but I've been
fighting hard battles all my life. Dragon here, monsters there, giants...
You hustle and you hustle... That's a fussy, thankless job, you know. But I
was always happy. I never grew tired. And I fell in love a lot.
Elsa. You did?
Lancelot. Of course. You travel here and there, you get into fights and
you meet girls. Somehow they always manage to end up either in a giant's bag
or a monster's kitchen. And those villains, they pick only pretty girls for
some reason. Especially monsters. So, you'd fall in love, naturally. But
never like this, like I do now. I was joking with those girls. Making them
laugh. And you, Elsa, if only we were alone, I would just want to kiss you.
I mean it. And I would take you with me, away from here. We'd travel around,
through the forest and over the hills, it really is not that hard. No, no,
I'd get you a horse, with a saddle that would never make you tired. And I'd
just walk along admiring you. And nobody would dare upset you.
Elsa takes Lancelot's hand.
Dragon. The girl is brilliant. She's taming him.
Heinrich. Yes. She's far from being stupid, your excellency.
Lancelot. Elsa, are you going to start crying now?
Elsa. I am.
Lancelot. Why?
Elsa. I feel sorry.
Lancelot. For who?
Elsa. For myself and you. We are not going to be happy together, Mr.
Lancelot. Why did I have to be born under a dragon!
Lancelot. Elsa, I've never told anything but truth. We are going to be
happy. Trust me.
Elsa. Oh, please don't.
Lancelot. We are going to walk together along a forest trail, merry and
happy. Just you and I.
Elsa. Don't. Please.
Lancelot. And the sky is going to be clear above us. No one would dare
threaten us from there.
Elsa. Really?
Lancelot. Yes. Oh, your poor people, they wouldn't know how deep love
can be. All the fear, all the weariness, all the misapprehension -- they
will just burn out inside you, disappear forever, that's how much I'm going
to love you. You will smile as you go to sleep, and when you wake up, you
are going to smile and call me, that's how much you are going to love me.
And you'll learn to love yourself, too. You will become calm and proud. You
will understand that if I am kissing you, it means that you are beautiful
just the way you are. And all the trees in the forest would talk to us
gently, and birds, and animals, because real lovers understand everything.
And everybody would be happy to meet us, because real lovers bring luck.
Dragon. What's he prattling about over there?
Heinrich. A sermon, I guess. Knowledge is power. Wash you hands before
every meal. The usual. Such a bore...
Dragon. I see. Look, she put her hand on his shoulder. She's doing
great!
Elsa. Even if we would never live to see that happiness, no matter. It
doesn't matter, I am happy now. These monsters are watching over us, but it
seems like we're oceans away. Nobody ever talked to me this way, my dear. I
never knew there were people like you in this world. Only yesterday I was so
obedient, just like a dog. I wouldn't let myself to even think about you.
And still, I went down to the kitchen last night, very quietly, and drank
the wine that was left in your glass. Only now I understand that by doing
that I was secretly, in my own way, kissing you that night, to thank you for
standing up for me. You wouldn't understand what a mess the feelings of us
poor downtrodden girls are. I thought I hated you then. And now I see that
this was my own secret way of falling in love with you. I love you! I am so
happy to be able to say that openly. And I am so happy to... (kisses
Lancelot).
Dragon. (stomping his feet with anticipation) She's going to do it,
she's going to do it!
Elsa. Now please let me go, my love. (slides out of Lancelot's embrace.
Pulls the knife out of the holster.) See this knife? Dragon ordered me to
kill you with this knife. Look!
Dragon. Come on, come on, come on!
Heinrich. Do it, do it!
Elsa throws the knife into the well.
You miserable wench!
Dragon. (thundering) How dare you!
Elsa. Not a word out of you! You think I will allow you to yell at me
now, after he kissed me? I love him. And he will kill you.
Lancelot. And that is the truth, sir dragon.
Dragon. Well, well, well. I see. I guess we'll have to fight then.
(Yawns.) Tell you the truth, I am not really disappointed. I have developed
a fascinating blow recently, with the X paw in the Y direction. We'll just
test it directly on the body. Knave, go call the guards.
Heinrich runs away.
Go home, silly girl. We'll discuss all of this carefully, privately
after the fight.
Enter Heinrich with the Guards.
Guards! Listen, what was it I was going to tell you... Ah, of course.
Please escort this lady to her house. And hold her there.
Lancelot makes a step forward.
Elsa. Don't. Save your strength. Come after me when you kill him. I
will be waiting for you and remembering every word you said to me today. I
believe in you.
Lancelot. I will come after you.
Dragon. That was really beautiful. Now go.
Guards take Elsa away.
You boy, relieve that sentry in the tower and send him to jail. We'll
have to cut his head off later tonight. He heard the damn girl scream at me,
and he might squeal about it in the barracks. Go take care of it. Then
return here. You're going to help me spread poison on my talons.
Exit Heinrich.
(To Lancelot.) And you, you just stay where you are, understand? When I
begin, I won't tell you. Real war always starts out of the blue, understand?
Climbs out of the chair and goes off into the palace.
Lancelot approaches the Cat.
Lancelot. What was it so pleasant you were going to purr to me?
Cat. Glance to your right, my dear Lancelot. Do you see that mule in a
cloud of dust? He's being stubborn. Five men are trying to appease him. Let
me sing a little song to them. (Meows.). See how he is jumping towards us
now? But he's going to stall right by this wall again. Have a word with
those handlers of his then. Here they come.
A mule's head is seen behind the wall. He stops dead in a cloud of
dust. Five handlers are yelling at him. Heinrich runs across the square.
Heinrich. (to handlers) What are you doing here?
Two handlers. (in unison) Delivering goods to the market, your honor.
Heinrich. What goods?
Two handlers. Carpets, your honor.
Heinrich. Move along, move along! No standing near the palace!
Two handlers. The mule is acting up, your honor.
Dragon's voice. Bo-oy!
Heinrich. Move along! (runs inside the palace).
Two handlers. (in unison) Good afternoon, Mr. Lancelot. We are your
friends, Mr. Lancelot. (They clear their throats together). Please don't
mind us speaking in one voice -- we've been working together since we were
kids, and we grew so close that we think and speak as a single person. We
even fell in love at the same moment on the same day, and got married to
twin sisters. We weave a lot of carpets, but we have woven the best one of
them tonight, just for you. (They take a carpet off of mule's back and
spread it on the ground.)
Lancelot. What a beautiful carpet!
Two handlers. It is. Superior quality, double sided, wool and silk,
colors by our own special secret recipe. But the secret of the carpet is not
in the colors, or the wool, or the silk. (softly) This is a flying carpet.
Lancelot. Marvelous! Tell me quickly, how do you pilot it?
Two handlers. It's very simple, Mr. Lancelot. This is the altitude
corner, there's sun printed on it. This is the depth corner, there's earth
printed on it. This is the intricate flight corner, there are swallows
printed on it. And this is the dragon corner. Lift it, and you fly sharply
down, right on your enemy's noggin. Here we printed the goblet of wine and
some sumptuous food. Beat him and have a party. No, no. Do not thank us. Our
great-grandfathers were waiting for you, looking at the road. Our
grandfathers were waiting. And we finally got to meet you.
They depart quickly, and right away the Third handler runs up to
Lancelot, with a carton in his hands.
3[rd] handler. Good afternoon, sir! Excuse me. Please turn
your head that way. Now this way. Perfect. Dear sir, I am the town hatter. I
make the best hats in the entire world. I am quite famous in this town.
Every dog knows me here.
Cat. As well as every cat.
3[rd] handler. What did I tell you? Without any fitting, by
just glancing at the customer, I produce things that flatter their owners
immensely, and this is the source of joy in my life. For example, the
husband of one lady only likes her when she's wearing one of my hats. She
even sleeps in it, and she admits freely that she owes me her entire life's
happiness. I was working for you, dear sir, all through the night, and I was
crying like a baby.
Lancelot. Why?
3[rd] handler. You see, this is a very special, very tragic
model. This is the invisibility hat.
Lancelot. Excellent!
3[rd] handler. As soon as you put it on, you will
immediately disappear, and the poor master will never know if it suits you
or not! Take it, put please don't try it before me! I can't bear it! I
can't!
He runs out. The Fourth handler approaches Lancelot right away -- a
gloomy, burly, bearded man carrying a large package on his shoulder. He
unwraps it. There are a sword and a spear.
4[th] handler. Here. Just forged it last night. Break a leg.
Exit Fourth handler. The Fifth handler runs up to Lancelot. He is a
little gray man with a stringed musical instrument in his hands.
5[th] handler. I am a luthier. I make musical instruments,
Mr. Lancelot. My great-great-grandfather began work on this little
instrument. Generation after generation we were working on it, and it became
almost human in our hands. It will be a loyal companion to you. Your hands
will be occupied with your spear and your sword, so it'll take care of
itself. It will sound the concert "A" and get in tune. It'll change a broken
string and start playing again. When you need it, it'll do an encore; when
you don't, it'll be silent. Am I right?
Instrument responds with a musical phrase.
You see? We heard everything, we heard how you were wandering all alone
in this town, and we were hurrying, trying our best to arm you from head to
toe. We waited, hundreds of years we waited. The dragon made us very quiet,
so we waited quietly. And now our wait is over. Kill him and set us free.
Right?
Instrument responds with a musical phrase. Exit Fifth handler, bowing
deeply.
Cat. When the fighting starts, we -- the mule and I -- are going to
take cover in the barn behind the palace. I wouldn't want the flames to
singe my fur. If you need us, just holler. Here in the mule's bags there are
some beverages to maintain your strength, cherry pie, sharpening steel for
the sword, spare tips for the spear and a sewing kit.
Lancelot. Thank you. (Walks onto the carpet. Takes the weapons in his
hands, puts the musical instrument at his feet. Unwraps the invisibility
hat, puts it on and disappears).
Cat. Excellent craftsmanship. Outstanding masters. Are you still here,
dear Lancelot?
Voice of Lancelot. Not really. I am ascending slowly. Take care, my
friends.
Cat. Take care, my dear. Ah, what a commotion, and so much worry.
Really, being desperate is much more satisfying. You just sleep away and you
aren't waiting for anything to happen. Don't you agree, dear mule?
Mule wiggles his ears.
Well, I can't talk with my ears. Let's use words, shall we? I know
we're not too familiar with each other, but we are going to be working
together, so we might as well have a little friendly meow. It's torture to
just wait in silence. So, how about a meow?
Mule. I do not meow.
Cat. OK, OK, let's just talk. The dragon thinks Lancelot is waiting for
him here, and he is long gone. That's a hoot, isn't it?
Mule. (gloomily) Hysterical.
Cat. Why aren't you laughing then?
Mule. They'll beat me up again. As soon as I laugh, they always say:
that damn mule is screeching again. And they beat me up.
Cat. Oh, I see. So you've got a loud, piercing laugh, right?
Mule. Uh-huh.
Cat. What do you laugh about?
Mule. You know... Things. I think, and then I think some more, and then
I always remember something funny. Horses always leave me in stitches.
Cat. How so?
Mule. I don't know. They're just... stupid.
Cat. Excuse me if this is too personal, but I was always wondering...
Mule. What?
Cat. How can you eat thistle?
Mule. Why?
Cat. Of course, you sometimes find something edible in the grass. But
thistle... It is so... dry!
Mule. I don't mind. I like spicy food.
Cat. What about meat?
Mule. What about it?
Cat. Have you tried it?
Mule. Meat is not food. Meat is something you carry. They put it in the
cart, you silly.
Cat. Milk?
Mule. That I had when I was little.
Cat. Finally. Something nice and soothing to talk about.
Mule. Right. This is nice to remember. Soothing, too. Mommy is kind.
Milk is warm. You suck, and you suck. Heaven! Tasty.
Cat. Milk is also good when lapped.
Mule. I do not lap.
Cat. (jumps up) Hear that?
Mule. Stomping his hooves. Bastard.
Dragon's triple howl.
Dragon. Lancelot!
Pause.
Lancelot!
Mule. Peek-a-boo. (Breaks out in a bout of mule laughter). Hee-aah!
Hee-aah! Hee-aah!
The doors of the palace swing open. Amid the fire and smoke we can see
now three giant heads, now enormous paws, now flaming eyes.
Dragon. Lancelot! Come admire me before the fight. Where are you?
Heinrich runs out into the square. Scurries around, looking for
Lancelot, peeks into the well.
Where the hell is he?
Heinrich. Must have hidden somewhere, your excellency.
Dragon. Hey you, Lancelot! Where are you?
Sword rings out.
Who dared strike me?
Voice of Lancelot. Lancelot here!
Total darkness. Dragon howls threateningly. Lights come on. Heinrich
darts into the town hall. Sounds of battle.
Cat. Let's get into the hideout.
Mule. It is time.
They run off. The square fills with townspeople. They are
extraordinarily quiet. Everybody is whispering, glancing at the sky.
1[st] Townsman. This battle is dragging on excruciatingly
long.
2[nd] Townsman. Yes. It's been two minutes already, and
still no result.
1[st] Townsman. I just hope it is going to be all over right
away.
2[nd] Townsman. Ah, we've led such orderly lives... And now
look at us - it's breakfast time, and I don't want to eat at all. Terrible!
Hello, Mr. Gardener. Why are you so distraught?
Gardener. I've just got my roses to bloom today - tea roses, bread
roses and wine roses. You can be sated and drunk just by looking at them.
Sir dragon was going to come by to have a look and give me a grant for
further research. But now there's this war. This terrible mess can destroy
the fruit of labor of many years.
Peddler. (in an animated whisper). Who would like some blackened glass?
For a small fee, everybody can see sir dragon burned as a piece of toast.
Everybody laughs softly.
1[st] townsman. This is an outrage! Ha-ha-ha!
2[nd] townsman. A blackened dragon. That'll be the day!
They buy pieces of glass.
Boy. Mommy, why is dragon scrambling all across the sky?
Everybody. Shhh!
1[st] townsman. He is not scrambling, young man. He is
maneuvering.
Boy. Why does he have his tail between his legs?
Everybody. Shhh!
1[st] townsman. The tail is tucked in according to carefully
developed strategy, young man.
1[st] townswoman. Just think about this! This war is already
six minutes long, and there still is no end in sight. Everybody is so
worried, so worried. Vendors at the market have already tripled the price of
milk.
2[nd] townswoman. Forget about the vendors! On our way here
we saw a display that would really send chills down your spine. Sugar and
butter, both pale as a ghost, were rushing from the stores back to the
warehouse. That's nervous produce for you! Running scared as soon as they
hear the sound of battle.
Cries of terror. The crowd dashes aside. Enter Charlemagne.
Charlemagne. Good morning, friends!
Silence.
Don't you recognize me?
1[st] townsman. Of course not. You have become absolutely
unrecognizable since last night.
Charlemagne. Why?
Gardener. Nasty people. Harboring strangers. Ruining dragon's good
mood. This is worse than... not keeping off the grass! And now look at him!
He is asking us "why"!
2[nd] Townsman. I personally stopped recognizing you as soon
as your house was surrounded by guards.