stand it anymore, I've got to get outta here.
         I've gotta get outta here.
Elaine : Calm down get ahold of yourself.
Gentlmn: Stewardess, please, let me handle this ( grabs her and
         starts to shake her )
Gntlmn2: Calm down, now get back to your seat, I'll take care of
         this.  CALM DOWN, GET AHOLD OF YOURSELF <SLAP>!

Nun    : Mr, your wanted on the phone . . .  Everything's going
         to be alright < SLAP >! Please.
Gntlmn3: Sister, I'll handle this.        < SLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAPPP >
( There is now a line of people with baseball bats and whips
waiting to help the woman )
Zealot5: Excuse me, we'd like you to have this flower ( Kramer
         punches the man )
Zealot6: Excuse me sir, would you . . . ( Kramer pushes him out
         of the way )
Zealot7: Donations for the Reverend Moon? ( Kramer punches him )
Zealot8: Jews for Jesus? ( Crack ! ) Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...
Zealot9: Read about Jehovah's witness? ( Kramer kicks him )
Zealt10: How about Buddhism? ( Whack! )
Zealt11: Help Jerry's kids? ( punch! )
Zealt12: Scientology?
Zealt13: Avoid nuclear power? ( Bap ! Bop ! )
Announc: Your attention please!  No Frills passengers no arriving
         please have your baggage claim checks ready to show the
         attendant upon leaving the terminal. ( Passengers are
         coming down the conveyer belt for luggage )
Kramer : I know but this guy has no flying experience at'all.
         He's a menace to himself and everything else in the
         air. . . yes, birds too.
MCrosky: Okay, okay, he's a terrible risk, but what other choice
         have we got?  That's the whole story there Rex,
         everything we know.
Kramer : Alright Steve, lets face a few facts.  As you know I
         flew with this man during the war.  He's going to
         have enough on his mind without worrying about those
         times when . . . when things weren't so good.
MCrosky: Right now, things aren't so good.
Kramer : Let me tell you something Steve, Ted Striker was a
         top notch squadron leader a long time ago.
MCrosky: I want you to get on the horn and talk that guy down
         Now, you're going to have to let him get the feel of
         that airplane, and you'll have to talk him on to the
         approach.  So help me, you'll have to talk him right
         down to the ground. ( Crash )
Kramer : Very well, put Striker on the speaker.
MCrosky: Use my radio there.  Looks like I picked the wrong week
         to quit drinking. ( gulp )
Towergy: Now, you can work 'im direct from here, Captain.
Kramer : Thanks. Striker . . . Striker, this is Captain Rex
         Kramer speaking.
Striker: YES, -CAPTAIN- Kramer, I read you loud and clear.
Kramer : Alright, its obvious you remember me.  What do you
         say you and I just forget about everything except
         what we have to do now.
Striker: Lets not kid each other _Kramer_ you know I've never
         flown a bucket like this. I'm gonna need all the
         luck there is.
Kramer : Standby Striker.  Our one hope is to build this man
         up, I've got to give him all the confidence I can.
         Striker- have you ever flown a multi-engine plane
         before?
Striker: NO, never.
Kramer : ( TO McCrosky thinking that the radio to Striker is off)
         SHIT! This is a God damned waste of time, there's no
         way he can land that plane.
MCrosky: (Radio is still on) Grab ahold of yourself, you gotta
         talk him down, you gotta.
Kramer : We ought to route him in Lake Michigan, at least we'll
         avoid killing innocent people.
MCrosky: You're the only chance they've got.
Kramer : Alright, Striker, you listen and listen close flying a
         plane is no different from riding a bicycle, just alot
         harder to put baseball cards in the spokes.  Now, first
         I want you to get the feel of the plane.  Later, we'll
         run down the landing procedure.  Now, I want you to
         disengage the automatic pilot . . . watch that you don't
         make any violent control movements like you did in the
         fighter planes.
Striker : Alright, I'm going to unlock the automatic pilot.
Kramer  : Now just remember the controls will feel very heavy
          compared to a fighter.  Don't worry about that its
          perfectly normal.  ( Plane starts to nosedive and
          passengers begin to panic )  Now one more thing,
          is there somebody there who can work the radio
          and leave you free for flying?
Striker : Yes, the stewardess is here with me.
Kramer  : Good, have her sit in the co-pilot's seat.
Striker : Elaine, he wants you to sit in the co-pilot's seat.
Passengr: What's going on?  We have a right to know the truth!
Rumack  : Alright, I'm going to level with you all.  The most
          important thing now is that you remain calm.  There's
          no reason to panic ( his nose starts to grow ).  Now,
          it is true that one of the crew members is ill,
          slightly ill, but the other two pilots are just fine,
          they're at the controls, flying the plane, free to
          pursue a life of religious fulfillment.
Striker : The radio's all yours now.  And keep an eye on that
          number 3 engine gauge over there, its running a
          little hot ( sign flashes "a little hot" )
Kramer  : Striker, before we start, I'd like to say something.
          I know that right now things must look pretty rough
          up there, but if you do what I tell you, when I tell
          you to do it, there's no reason why you shouldn't
          have complete confidence in your chances to come out
          of this thing alive and in one piece.  Striker, what
          kind of weather are you in up there?
Elaine : Rain!
Striker: And a little ice.
Elaine : And a little ice.
Kramer : How's it handling?
Striker: Sluggish, like a wet sponge.
Elaine : Sluggish, like a wet sponge.
Kramer : Alright, Striker, your doing just fine.
Striker: Its a damn good thing he doesn't know how much I hate
         his guts.
Elaine : Its a damn good thing you don't know how much he
         hates your guts.
Jivemn2: Mnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn, hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
Attndnt: Can I get you something?
Jivemn2: S'mo fo butter layin' to the bone. Jackin' me up.
         Tightly.
Attndnt: I'm sorry I don't understand.
Jivemn1: Cutty say he cant hang.
Woman4 : Oh stewardess, I speak jive.
Attndnt: Ohhhh, good.
Woman4 : He said that he's in great pain and he wants to know
         if you can help him.
Attndnt: Would you tell him to just relax and I'll be back as
         soon as I can with some medicine.
Woman  : Jus' hang loose blooood.  She goonna catch up on the`
         rebound a de medcide.
Jivemn2: What it is big mamma, my mamma didn't raise no dummy, I
         dug her rap.
Woman4 : Cut me som' slac' jak!  Chump don wan no help, chump
         don git no help.  Jive ass dude don got no brains
         anyhow.
MCrosky: Get me Captain Oever's wife on the phone, we'd better
         let her know what's going on.
Towergy: Chief, this weather bulletin just came off the wire.
MCrosky: Johnny, what can you make outta this?
Johnny : This?  Why I could make a hat, or a brooch, a
         pterodactyl. . .
( Phone rings at Captain Oever's wife's house, she answers. )
MSOever: Hello?
Towergy: Mrs. Oever?
MSOever: Yes, this is Mrs. Oever.
Towergy: This is Ed Masias calling from the airport.  There's
         some trouble on your husband's flight.  We don't know
         how serious it is yet, but Steve McCrosky say you may
         want to get down here right away.
MSOever: Yes, I'll be right down. . . ( hangs up the phone )
         I've gotta go to the airport, you can let yourself
         out the back door.  There's juice in the refridger-
         ator.  ( We see she is sleeping with a horse)
Horse  : Nayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.... plllllllllllllllllllll.
         Winey.
Elaine : Dr Rumack says the sick people are getting worse and
         we`re running out of time.
Striker: ( In echoey voice to himself ) I've got to concentrate
         oncentrate, oncentrate. I've got to concentrate,
         concentrate, concentrate.  Hello, hello, hello.
         Echo, echo, echo.  Pinch hitting for Pedro Borbau
         Manny Motta, motta, motta.
Man    : How're you doing honey?
Woman5 : I'm so hot, I'm burning up.
Man    : I'll turn on some air. ( The whole cabin starts to blow
         with wind. " Close the window " )
Striker: Chicago, the passengers are beginning to panic, when do
         we start down?
Kramer : Not just yet, but you're in our range any second now.
         I don't understand it should have been in range 10
         minutes ago.  Genderson, check the radar range,
         anything yet?
Gendrsn: ( Looks in an oven ) Its about 2 more minutes chief.
MCrosky: 2 more minutes?  They could be miles off course.
Kramer : That's impossible there on instruments ( a brass
         ensemble begins to play )
MCrosky: This is going to be a real sweat.  Genderson, let me
         know when you get anything.  Got a cigarette Nelson?
         I can't take much more of this.  Looks like I picked
         the wrong week to quit amphetamines.  Johnny, how
         about some more coffee?
Johnny:  NO THANKS!
Towergy: Chief, these reporters won't leave without a statement.
Reportr: How much longer can those passengers hold out?
MCrosky: A, half an hour or less.
Reportr: Who's flying the plane?
MCrosky: One of the passengers.  But, he's an experienced Air
         Force pilot who flew during the war, so there's no
         cause for alarm.  . . Here, take over.
Reportr: What kind of plane is it?
Johnny : Oh its a big pretty white plane with red stripes,
         curtains in the window and wheels.  It looks like
         a big tylenol.
Reportr: Okay boys, lets get some pictures.  ( Take photos off
         of wall . . .)
( Various reports from around the world are shown )
TVGUY  : This bulletin just handed to me . . . stricken airliner
         approaches Chicago.
Countpt: They bought their tickets, they knew what they were
         getting into.  I say let em crash.
Man2   : Would you like a little whiskey ma'am?
Woman6 : ( In a berating voice ) CERTAINLY NOT!  ( She the does
         cocaine )
Striker: How are the passengers doing?
Rumack : I won't deceive you Mr. Striker . . . we're running out
         of time.
Striker: Surely there must be something you can do.
Rumack : I'm doing everything I can and stop calling me Shirley.
Nun    : R-E-S-P-E-C-T find out what it means to me . . . Sock
         it to me, sock it to me, sock it to me . . . A little
         respect ( passenger vomits as she sings ) Just a little
         bit . . .
Attndnt: Booo-hooo ( she crys )
Rumack : Randy, are you alright?
Attndnt: Oh, Dr. Rumack, I'm scared.  I've never been so scared.
         And besides, I'm 26 and I'm not married.
Rumack : We're going to make it, you've got to believe that.
Woman3 : Dr. Rumack, do you have any idea when we'll be landing?
Rumack : Pretty soon, how are you bearing up?
Woman3 : Well, to be honest, I've never been so scared. But, at
         least I have a husband. ( Randy sobs harder )
Voice  : Stay in formation, target's just ahead.  Target should
         be clear if you go in low enough.  You'll have to decide
         You'll have to decide...
Striker: oh rats! we lost number 4.
Elaine : What happened Ted, what went wrong?
Striker: The oil pressure, I forgot to check the oil pressure.
         When Kramer hears about this, the shit's gonna hit
         the fan ( We see shit hitting a fan )
Kramer : Watch that oil temperature, what the hell's he doing up
         there?  Striker, that plane can't land itself, it
         takes a pilot that can handle pressure.
MCrosky: Ease off Rex, he hasn't flown for years, its not his
         fault.  It could happen to any pilot.
Johnny : It happened to Barbara Stanwick.
MCrosky: Don't push him too hard, give him a break.  You gotta
         remember who you're dealing with.
Johnny : Nick, Leaf, Jerrod, there's a fire in the barn.
Striker: He's right, I can't take the pressure.  I was crazy to
         think I could land this plane.
Elaine : Ted, you're the only hope.
Striker: I don't care. ( Plane starts to nosedive again ) I don't
         have what it takes.  They'd be better off with someone
         who'd never flown before.
MCrosky: Bad news, the fog is getting thicker.
Johnny : And Leon's getting laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrger.
Striker: I know what you're going to say, so save your breath.
Rumack : Well, I don't have anything to say, you've done the
         best you could.  You really have, the best you could.
         You can't expect to win em all.  But, I want to tell
         you something I've kept to myself through these years.
         I was in the war myself, medical corps.  I was on late
         duty one night when they brought in a badly wounded
         pilot from one of the raids.  He could barely talk.
         He looked at me and said " The odds were against
         us up there, but we went in anyway, I'm glad Captain
         made the right decision.  The pilot's name was George
         Zip.
Striker: George Zip said that?
Rumack : The last thing he said to me, doc, he said, "Sometime
         when the crew is up against it, the breaks are beating
         the boys, tell them to get out there and give it all
         they got and win just one for the Zipper.  I don't
         know where I'll be then doc, he said, but I won't smell
         too good, that's for sure.
Striker: Excuse me doc, I got a plane to land.
Kramer : Alright Striker, you'd better stay up there for a bit,
         as soon as the fog lifts, we'll bring you in.
Striker: I'll take it Elaine.  Listen to me Kramer, Dr. Rumack
         says the sick people are in critical condition. And
         every minute counts. We've got to land now.
Kramer : Don't be a fool Striker, you know what a landing like
         this means, you more than anybody.  I'm ordering you
         to stay up there.
Striker:  NO DICE CHICAGO.  I'm giving the orders and we're
          coming in.  I guess the foot's on the other hand now,
        isn't it Kramer?
Kramer : He'll never make it in this soup, not one chance in a
         million.
MCrosky: I know, I know,  but its his ship now, his command, he's
         in charge, he's the boss, head man, top dog, big cheese,
Towergy: Captain, look at this!
MCrosky: Passengers certain to die!
Kramer : Airline negligent.
Johnny : There's a sale at Penny's!
MCrosky: Alright, I'll need 3 men up in the tower.  You Newbower,
         you Maceias. . .
Johnny : Me John!  Big tree.
Kramer : Standby, Striker.  We're going to the tower, good luck.
Johnny : The tower, the tower . . . Repunzle, Repunzle . . .
Woman4 : Stewardess, how soon so we land?
Attndnt: It won't be long now, try not to worry.
Towergy: We're all ready sir, this is Captain McCrosky, Captain
         Roberts, Captain Kramer, Captain Kolosomo,  Captain
         Henshaw this is Captain Gatz,  Captain Kramer, Captain
         Gatz, Captain Henshaw, Captain Roberts.
MCrosky: Alright Kolosomo, you work the relay, Roberts, check all
         air traffic within five miles,  get that finger out of
         your ear, you don't know where that finger's been ( guy
         smells his finger ) Got a cigarette Nels?  Your husband
         and the others are alive, but unconscious.
Johnny : Just like Gerald Ford.
MCrosky: Now, there's a chance we can save them, if Striker can
         get that plane down in time.
MSOever: That isn't much of a chance, is it?
MCrosky: I don't know, I don't know, but we're doing everything
         we can, now excuse me huh?
Johnny : Where did you get that dress? Its aweful . . . and
         those shoes, and that coat, geeeeeeeeeeeeeezzzzzzzz.
( Tower Guys Playing Atari basketball on radar screen )
Towergy: 8 miles.  Looks like their heading 0-4-4.
Elaine : We are now at 2000 feet beginning our decent.
Kramer : Steve, I want every light you can get poured onto
         that field. ( A dump truck dumps table lamps onto the
         runway )
Towergy: Tower to all emergency vehicles, runway is 9er.
         Airport vehicles take stations 1 and 2.  Civilian
         equipment number 3.  Air Force positions number 4
         and 5.  All ambulances go to number 3.  Air
         Israel, please clear the runway ( Plane is shown
         wearing a beard, hat, tallis, and yarmulke. )
Attendnt:In a moment, we'll ask you to assume crash positions.
        your life jackets are located under your seat.  Place
        the jacket over your head.  And when I give the word,
        pull the cord on the right side flap.  Your seat
        cushions are also equipped with a flotation device.
Radio : WZAZ in Chicago, where disco lives forever ( plane
        knocks down station's transmitter )

Kramer : Watch your altitude Striker, you're too erratic.  You
         can't come straight in.  You've got enough fuel left
         for two hours of flying.
Striker: I'll take it Elaine.  Listen to me Kramer!  We have
         people up here who will die in less than an hour
         let alone two.  I may bend your precious airplane,
         but I'll get it down.  I'm putting the landing gear
         down now.
Attndnt: Mr. Striker, the passengers are ready.
Striker: Thank you Randy.  You'd better leave sweetheart.  You
         might get hurt up here.
Elaine : Ted,
Striker: Yes?
Elaine : I wanted you to know, now . . . I'm very proud.
Striker: Tell 'em the gear is down and we're ready to land.
Elaine : The gear is down and we're ready to land.
Kramer : Alright, he's on final now, put out all runway lights
         except 9er.
Towergy: Captain, maybe we ought to turn on the search lights
         now.
MCrosky: No, thats just what they'll be expecting us to do.
Rumack : I just want to tell you both good luck, we're all
         counting on you.
Kramer : Alright, now just listen carefully . . . you should
         be able to see the runway at 300 feet.  Aim the
         touchdown a third of the way along.  There's a slight
         crosswind from the right so be ready for it.  Land
         too fast, use your emergency breaks.  The red handle's
         right in front of you.  If that doesn't stop you . . .
         ( long pause ) . . . if that doesn't stop you cut the
         four ignition switches over the co-pilot's head.
         Do you see us now?  You should be able to see the field
         now.  ( Dog barks )
MCrosky: It sure is quiet out there. . .
Kramer : Yeah, too quiet.
MCrosky: Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing
         glue. ( inhales some glue and falls over)
Striker: There it is.
Kramer : There he is.  Striker, you're coming in too fast . . .
Striker: I know, I know.
Elaine : He knows, he knows.
Airdude: Getting below 700 now, still going down. 675, 650, 625,
         he's holding. . .no, no he's down, he's down.
Kramer : Sound your alarm bell, now.
Attndnt: Alright now everybody, get in crash positions ( The
         passengers arrange themselves as if they just crash-
         ed. )
Kramer : Put down 30 degrees of flap.  Striker now listen to me
         Remember your breaks and switches, get ready to  fly it
         out . . .
Airdude: He's all over the place, 900 feet, up to 1300 feet . . .
         what an asshole.
Kramer : More mast rudder, put down more flap . . .
Johnny : ( Unplugs runway lights ) Just kidding.
Kramer : Striker, lift your nose, straighten your wings.  You're
         coming in too fast, watch your speed.
MCrosky: He's coming right at us . . . ( jumps through a window )
Kramer : You're coming in too hot.  Ease up on the throttle.
         Watch for that crosswind.  Aim for the numbers, you'll
         have to dip your left wing.  You're drifting, keep your
         eyes on the far end of the runway.  You're too low
         damnit!  Watch your stall speed.  Ease her down, down.
         The break . . . pull the red handle.
Rumack : I just want to tell you both good luck, we're all
         counting on you.
Voice2 : Flight 2-0-9 now arriving gate 8- gate 9, gate 10
Kramer : Push a button.
Voice2 : Gate 13, gate 14, gate 15 . . .
Johnny : Auntie Em, Uncle Henry, toto . . . its a twister,
         its a twister
Voice  : Gate 23, 24, 25 . . .
( Plane lands safely )
Rumack : I just want to tell you both-- good luck, we're all
         counting on you.
Kramer : Striker, Striker, you alright?
Striker: Yeah, we're okay.
Kramer : Ted that was probably the worst landing in the history
         of this airport, but some of us here, particularly me
         would like to buy you a drink and shake your hand . .
         and Ted I just want you to know that when the going
         got rough . . .
Attndnt: Okay alright, have a nice day . . .have a nice day,
         thank you for flying TransAmerican
Kramer : Lonliness, thats the bottom line.  I was never happy
         as a child . . . Christmas Ted, what does that mean
         to you?  It was living hell.  Do you know what its
         like falling in the mud and getting kicked, in the head.
         With an iron boot? Of course you don't, no one does,
         that never happens.  Sorry Ted, that's a dumb question.
Attndnt: Have a nice day.
Kramer : Municipal bonds Ted, I'm talking double A rating. . .
         the best investment in America.
( Ted and Elaine go off into the sunset and Otto and his
inflatable friend Ottoette fly the plane off )

                          THE END!!!!!