Ocenite etot tekst:


   1. Lechen'e ot bessil'ya, breda, marazma, plotnogo obeda.

   2. Urok razbojnichego svista.

   3. Okraska hevimetallista.

   4. |kskursiya na Vodolej.

   5. Nataska chernyh pudelej.

   6. Bilet v reaktor i obratno.

   7. Nachistka mordy.

   Vse besplatno.


Kak to Landau, sidyuchi na doklade nebezyzvestnogo akadnmika Lysenko, i
proslushav ves' etot bred po povodu nasledstvennyh priznakov,
privivaemyh obucheniem, sprosil:

La: Vy, tovarishch akademik, utverzhdaete, chto esli u korovy otrezat'
uho, i u ee potomkov otrezat' uho i t.d. i t.d. to proizojdet
rozhdenie odnouhoj korovy?  Pravil'no li ya Vas ponyal?

Ly: Pravil'no, tovarishch Landau.

La: Togda kak vy ob®yasnyaete rozhdenie devstvennic?






                    ----------------------------

                        ISTORIYA 1-YA,
                      O LAMPOCHKE ILXICHA.

        ODNAZHDY PEREGORELA U ILXICHA LAMPOCHKA. SLOMALSYA ILXICH,
   TAK I NE SMOGLI EGO POCHINITX. VOT TAKAYA ISTORIYA.



                        ISTORIYA 2-YA,
             O HODOKAH, ILXICHE I ZHELEZNOM FELIKSE.

        ODNAZHDY VLADIMIR ILXICH, BESEDUYA S HODOKAMI, SKAZAL:
   "VSE-TO VY, TOVARISHCHI, PRAVILXNO PONIMAETE. I PRO ZEMLYU, I
   PRO PROCHUYU FIGNYU. A VOT SKAZHITE, ESTX LI U VAS, BATENXKA,
   FUNT MASLICA?". HODOKI, VESTIMO, RASSUPONILISX: "DLYA VAS,
   ILXICH, HOTX BIDON SOLYARKI!". A SAMYJ SHUSTRYJ VOZXMI, DA I
   SPROSI: "A DLYA CHEGO TEBE, DYADENXKA?". PRISHCHURIL ILXICH DOBRYE
   STARCHESKIE GLAZA SAMOMU STEPENNOMU HODOKU I OTVETIL: "REV-
   VOENSOVET PRINYAL RESHENIE SMAZATX ZHELEZNOGO FELIKSA. PRI
   OBYSKAH ON SILXNO SKRIPIT I PUGAET BURZHUAZIYU!".
        DAZHE O VRAGAH ZABOTILSYA!



                        ISTORIYA 3-YA
               PRO ILXICHA I BURZHUAZNUYU FRANCIYU.

        OCHENX NE LYUBIL ILXICH BURZHUAZNUYU FRANCIYU. "NE ST'YANA, -
   GOVORIL, - "A CHUSHX SOBACHXYA!. NADO BYLO MNE LETETX IZ PA'IZHA
   V PITEY, TAK ZNAETE, KAK U NIH AVIAKOMPANIYA NAZYVAETSYA?
   |' F'ANS! TFU, NE VYGOVO'ITX!".



                        ISTORIYA 4-YA
               PRO ILXICHA I PREVRATNOSTI SUDXBY.

        ODNAZHDY ILXICH, TROCKIJ I DVA |SERA - ODIN LEVYJ, DRU-
   GOJ PRAVYJ - DVA VESELYH |SERA, DO POZDNEJ NOCHI RASPISYVA-
   LI V SMOLXNOM PULYU. VISTOVALI ILXICH S TROCKIM. TROCKIJ
   VOZXMI DA I NAIGRAJ |SSERU GOLOGO KOROLYA. OSTALSYA ILXICH BEZ
   LAPY, RASSTROILSYA OCHENX, TROCKOMU I GOVORIT: "LEDORUBOM VAS,
   BATENXKA, ZA TAKOE DELO!". SDALI ESHCHE RAZ I RESHIL ILXICH NA
   MIZER IDTI. REVOLYUCIYA VSEGDA RISK. "OHRANKA",- GOVORIT, -
   "MENYA NE POJMALA, TEPERX VY POPROBUJTE!". NO NEPRUHA BYLA
   VOZHDYU V TOT PAMYATNYJ VECHER: OKAZALSYA MIZER LOVLENNYM. I VZYAL
   ILXICH SHESTX VZYATOK, KAK S KRUZHKA. PLYUNUL V MORKOVNYJ CHAJ,
   PRISHCHURILSYA, "|H",- DUMAET, - "BRATX, TAK BRATX!". I |TOJ ZHE
   NOCHXYU ZIMNIJ VZYAL.


                        ISTORIYA 5-YA
             KAK MUZYKA TOVARISHCHU SVERDLOVU POMOGLA.

        ODNAZHDY TOVARISHCH SVERDLOV SHEL, ZVENYA KANDALAMI, NA CARS-
   KUYU KATORGU. IDET SEBE, KANDALAMI POZVANIVAET. VDRUG NAVST-
   RECHU EMU KOMPOZITOR CHAJKOVSKIJ: "DA U VAS, MILEJSHIJ, KANDALY
   V DO-MAZHORE ZVENYAT!". VYNUL NOTNUYU TETRADX I DAVAJ ZAPISY-
   VATX. TUT IZ KARAULXNOGO POMESHENIYA VYSHEL KOMPOZITOR MUSORG-
   SKIJ, I CHAJKOVSKOMU GOVORIT: "DA VY CHTO, MILOSTLIVYJ GOSU-
   DARX, S PYUPITRA UPALI? KANDALY-TO V SI-MINORE ZVENYAT! VOT
   TAK:", - I UDARIL PALXCEM PO KLAVISHE ROYALYA. "NET!" - VOZRA-
   ZHAET CHAJKOVSKIJ, - "DERXMOVYJ U VAS SLUH, V DO-MAZHORE!" I
   UDARIL PALXCEM PO DRUGOJ KLAVISHE. A POKA ONI SPORILI, TOVA-
   RISHCH SVERDLOV S KATORGI BEZHAL. UTROM ZAHODIT OHRANKA NA CARS-
   KUYU KATORGU, DUMALA TAM SVERDLOV KANDALAMI ZVENIT, A |TO
   CHAJKOVSKIJ S MUSORGSKIM PO KLAVISHAM UDARYAYUT.



                        ISTORIYA 6-YA
                 PRO TO, KAK ILXICH CARYA NADUL

        KAK-TO ILXICH VYSHEL S KONSPIRATIVNOJ KVARTIRY PODYSHATX
   GNILYM VOZDUHOM IMPERII. A CHTOB ZATERYATXSYA V TOLPE, PEREO-
   DELSYA ON VELIKIM KNYAZEM MIHAILOM. IDET SEBE, NAD OHRANKOJ
   POSMEIVAETSYA. VDRUG SHUM, GAM, GNET USILILSYA. SMOTRIT ILXICH-
   GOSUDARX IMPERATOR EDET. OBOMLEL ILXICH. A NU KAK UZNAET TI-
   RAN V TOLPE VELIKOGO KNYAZYA. NE UDIVITSYA LI? I TOCHNO. OSTA-
   NOVILASX KARETA, VYGLYANUL NIKOLAJ KROVAVYJ I MOLVIT: "A
   CHTO |TO VY, ULXYANOV, EVREEM-LAVOCHNIKOM NARYADILISX? ILI U
   SOCIALISTOV NYNCHE MODA TAKAYA?" NE UZNAL, V OBSHCHEM.



                        ISTORIYA 7-YA
                 OB UZHASAH CARSKOJ KATORGI

        PRIGNALI KAK-TO BOLXSHEVIKOV NA CARSKUYU KATORGU V VILYUJ.
   SMOTRYAT ONI - NA OSTROGE TABLICHKA: "KATORGA ZAKRYTA NA UCHET
   BALANDY". POGNALI IH TOGDA NA CARSKUYU KATORGU V KATUJ. VYSHEL
   ZHANDARM - BRYUHO - VO, MORDA KRASNAYA, NA BOKU SELEDKA BOLTAETSYA
   I VONYAET - ZHUTX. GNILAYA, NAVERNOE. "|TO CHTO ZA BYDLO", -
   GOVORIT - "U NAS KATORGA VYSSHEGO RAZRYADU! BEZ GALSTUKOV PUSHCHATX
   NE VELENO!". NU, U KOGO PENXKA NA GALSTUKI BYLA - OSTALISX,
   OSTALXNYH DALXSHE POGNALI. NA CARSKUYU  KATORGU V ANADUJ. DOLGO
   GNALI - OKAZALOSX - NET TAKOJ CARSKOJ KATORGI. NU, POGNALI IH
   TOGDA DO USTX-PIZHM. A V USTX-PIZHMAH - SPECOBSLUZHIVANIE. TOLXKO
   DLYA UCHASNIKOV REVOLYUCII 1905 GODA. DELATX NECHEGO, GONYAT
   BOLXSHEVIKOV DALXSHE. UZH IMPERIYA KONCHAETSYA - NET KATORGI, I
   VSE TUT. NOCHX PRISHLA, OHRANKA SPATX ZAVALILASX. RAZOZHGLI
   KOLODNICHKI KOSTEROK, SIDYAT, KOLODKI TASUYUT. I MECHTAYUT O TEH
   VREMENAH, KOGDA KATORGA BUDET ZAVSEGDA DOSTUPNA NARODU.



                        ISTORIYA 8-YA
                 O TOM, KAK ILXICH VEL S'EZD RSDRP

        ODNAZHDY ILXICH SHEL PO NABEREZHNOJ NEVY, NES SNARYAD DLYA
   AVRORY. VDRUG SMOTRIT - NISHCHIJ SOVSEM PROPADAET. PROPADET -
   POYAVITSYA, PROPADET - POYAVITSYA. TONUL, V OBSHCHEM. KINUL ILXICH
   NISHCHEMU PYATACHOK. VDRUG PYATACHOK KAK ZAKRICHIT: "VINNI, A REVO-
   LYUCIYA?".
   PROSNULSYA ILXICH - SLAVA BOGU, ON V LONDONE NA S'EZDE RSDRP.



                        ISTORIYA 9-YA
                O NELEGKOJ ZHIZNI TOVARISHCHA URICKOGO.

        ODNAZHDY PARTIYA POSLALA TOVARISHCHA URICKOGO NA HUTOR.
   SMOTRIT TOVARISHCH URICKIJ - NA HUTORE KULAKI HLEB ZHGUT. -
   TIHON DERZHIT NA VYTYANUTYH RUKAH KARAVAJ, A FROL TYCHET V NE-
   GO SVECHKOJ I PRIGOVARIVAET: "UZHO VAM, KRASNOPUZYM!". RAS-
   STRELYAL TOVARISHCH URICKIJ KULAKOV. KULAKI, KONECHNO, NE BUDX
   DURAKI, POMERLI. SNYAL TOVARISHCH URICKIJ S NIH LAPTI, PORTKI
   I HOTEL VSE |TO V PITER OTPRAVITX, DA PO ZAPARKE SEBE OSTA-
   VIL. ZA GOLOVU SHVATILSYA, SEL I SAM SEBE RAPORT NAPISAL:

                                 TOVARISHCHU URICKOMU
                              OT TOVARISHCHA URICKOGO.

        PROSHU SUROVO MENYA POKARATX, KAK NE VYPOLNIVSHEGO
   ZADANIE PARTII.

        I SAM ZHE REZOLYUCIYU NALOZHIL: "OTKAZATX".
   VO VSEM SEBE OTKAZYVAL.


                        ISTORIYA 10-YA
                 PRO ILXICHA I KOZNI |SEROV.

        U ODNOGO |SERA BYLA UZHASNAYA PAMYATX NA IMENA. KAK-TO
   PARTIYA POSLALA EGO V PARIZH, STRELYATX V STRUVE. A ON POSHEL V
   MANEZH STRELYATX V PLEVE. DOLGO STRELYAL. UZHE I PATRONY KONCHI-
   LISX, I PLEVE. A ON VSE PALIT. DOLOZHILI OB |TOM ILXICHU. A
   TOT TOLXKO PLECHAMI POZHAL I SEL PISATX "LEBEDINNOE OZERO".
   CHAJKOVSKIJ |TO BYL. PETR.


                        ISTORIYA 11-YA
                PRO 300-LETIE DOMA ROMANOVYH.

        KAK-TO SOBRALISX BURZHUI V ZIMNIJ SPRAVLYATX YUBILEJ DOMA
   ROMANOVYH.  GENERAL-GUBERNATOR PRINES DRELX, VLADYKA KLYUCH NA
   VOSEMNADCATX, A ODIN KAMER-YUNKER RASHPILX S ZOLOTOJ RUCHKOJ.
   SIDYAT, SPRAVLYAYUT. "CHTO-TO STUCHIT, GOSPODA", - SKAZAL GENE-
   RAL-GUBERNATOR, SNIMAYA KRYSHKU S KOROBKI SKOROSTEJ. "SEJCHAS
   POSMOTRIM", - BURKNUL VLADYKA, OTODVINUL TRON I POLEZ V KAR-
   BYURATOR. "NET GOSPODA, OPREDELENNO CHTO-TO STUCHIT", - ZADUM-
   CHIVO PROIZNES GUBERNATOR, PROTIRAYA LAMPASOM VYNUTYE IZ KO-
   ROBKI SKOROSTI. "VOT ANAFEMA!", - DONESSYA IZ KARBYURATORA
   GOLOS VLADYKI. "DA CHTO |TO STUCHIT-TO, GOSPODI!", - ZANYL KA-
   MER-YUNKER, - "NATE VAM, GUBERNATOR, RASHPILX S ZOLOTOJ RUCH-
   KOJ!".
        I NEVDOMEK BYLO CARSKIM SATRAPAM, CHTO |TO ROBKO, PRIK-
   LADOM, STUCHALSYA V DVERI NOVYJ MIR.


                        ISTORIYA 12-YA
            O PREZHDEVREMENNOSTI REVOLYUCII 1905-GO GODA

        ODNAZHDY ILXICH S TOVARISHCHEM MENZHINSKIM SIDELI V PODPOLXE.
   "KAK HOROSHO", - GOVORIT ILXICH, ZASHIVAYA V KEPKU NOVOE KLISHE
   DLYA "ISKRY", - "KAK HOROSHO, CHTO NA TELE IMPERII ESTX NASH
   MARKSISTSKIJ KRUZHOK! DA, BATENXKA, STOIT NACHATX, I POTYANETSYA
   NAROD."  "NE POTYANETSYA", - VOZRAZHAET EMU TOVARISHCH MENZHINSKIJ.
   "NET, POTYANETSYA!", - TUT ZHE ARGUMENTIROVAL ILXICH. "VOT VY
   VYJDITE I NACHNITE! SAMI UVIDITE!". "NET, UZH!", - OPYATX NE
   SOGLASHAETSYA MENZHINSKIJ, - "SNACHALA VY VYJDITE I NACHNITE, A
   POTOM YA. DISCIPLINA PREZHDE VSEGO!". "NU, HOROSHO, HOROSHO", -
   GOVORIT ILXICH, - "DAVAJTE VMESTE VYJDEM I NACHNEM".
        VYSHLI ONI IZ PODPOLXYA I DAVAJ NACHINATX. STOYAT, NACHINA-
   YUT. SMOTRYAT, I VPRAVDU, POTYANULSYA NAROD. DVA RAZA. I SNOVA
   ZASNUL.


                        ISTORIYA 13-YA
             O MALENXKIH SLABOSTYAH REVOLYUCIONEROV.

        U VSEH REVOLYUCIONEROV BYLI SVOI MALENXKIE SLABOSTI.
   TOVARISHCH LUNACHARSKIJ LYUBIL SCHITATX INTERNACIONALY. BYVALO,
   ZAPRETSYA U SEBYA V KABINETE I TVERDIT CHASAMI: "PERVYJ INTER-
   NACIONAL, VTOROJ, TRETIJ. PERVYJ, VTOROJ, TRETIJ!".
        ILXICH LEPIL IZ HLEBNOGO MYAKISHA. BYVALO, SLEPIT VSEMU
   SOVNARKOMU NA 1-E MAYA IZ MYAKISHA PO KUKISHU I RADUETSYA, KAK
   REBENOK.
        A TOVARISHCH STALIN LYUBIL ULYBATXSYA V USY. BYVALO POZOVET
   K SEBE TOVARISHCHA BUDENNOGO I DO RASSVETA ULYBAETSYA EMU V USY.


                        ISTORIYA 14-YA
           O TOM KAK TOVARISHCH STALIN HOD VOJNY IZMENIL.

        ODNAZHDY, TOVARISHCH STALIN STOYAL V KORIDORE KREMLYA I VY-
   BIVAL SVOYU VERNUYU TRUBKU O TOVARISHCHA MOLOTOVA. VDRUG VIDIT,
   IDET NAVSTRECHU TOVARISHCH MANUILXSKIJ. ON CHASTENXKO V KREMLX
   ZAHODIL - ORDEN TAM POLUCHITX, ILI POGOVORITX PO DUSHAM, KAK
   POLUCHITSYA. POMANIL IOSIF VISSARIONOVICH TOVARISHCHA MANUILXSKO-
   GO I SPRASHIVAET: "KAK VY DUMAETE, TOVARISHCH MANUILXSKIJ, BU-
   DET DOZHDX ILI NET?". TOVARISHCH MANUILXSKIJ TUDA, SYUDA,
   DESKATX, V METEOCENTRE TROCKISTY, AGENTURA V BERLINE MOLCHIT,
   TRUDNO TOCHNO SKAZATX. "VY NE YULITE!", - SKAZAL IOSIF VISSA-
   RIONOVICH, - "POJDET DOZHDX, ILI NET?". SOBRALSYA TOVARISHCH MA-
   NUILXSKIJ S DUHOM I GOVORIT: "TOVARISHCH STALIN, DLYA NAS, MARK-
   SISTOV, NE VAZHNO, POJDET LI DOZHDX. VAZHNO S NAMI LI ON POJ-
   DET!". "MOLODEC!", - SKAZAL TOVARISHCH STALIN, - "PRAVILXNO
   RASSUZHDAETE! NAZNACHAYU VAS MARSHALOM ZHUKOVYM!".
        S TOGO MOMENTA HOD VOJNY IZMENILSYA.





        ODNAZHDY GOSUDARX-BATYUSHKA PETR ALEKSEEVICH, PRITOMIV-
  SHISX VARITX MYLO IZ OPPOZICII, VYSHEL NA BREG PUSTYNNYH
  VOLN POGROZITX SHVEDU, DA ZAPLUTAL V RELXEFE, I, SVESIV NO-
  GI V EVROPU, SEL NA NEDORUBLENNOE OKNO RASKURITX TRUBKU I
  POISKATX VINOVATYH.
        RYADOM, KAK VSEGDA, STOYAL NA SVOEM KNYAZX MENXSHIKOV I
  NADMENNO LUKAVIL PRYAMO V VYSOCHAJSHEE LICO: "CHTO, GRAZHDANIN
  ROMANOV, VLIPLI? DAVAJ, ZAKLADYVAJ GRAD, HOTX BUDET GDE
  HARYU UMYTX. TEBYA EZHELI NA SVERSHENIYA NE SPODVIGNESHX, TAK I
  PROSIDISHX CHURBANOM DO SAMOJ REVOLYUCII, PROSTI GOSPODI!".
        SLUCHIVSHAYASYA RYADOM KAMER-FREJLINA, PROZVANNAYA ZA SKAN-
  DALXNYJ NRAV AVROROJ, PERESTALA BRATXSYA IZMOROZXYU I ZAKRICHA-
  LA, RAZMAHIVAYA GRUDXYU: "MIN HERC! HOCHU GRAD! BURG HOCHU! NA
  KOJ HERC NAM TAKOJ MIN - ZAVEL V BOLOTA I OTNEKIVAETSYA. DA-
  VAJ GRAD, CARSKAYA MORDA! A V CENTRE CHTOB SPALXNYA S BUDUAROM
  I STATUYA MEDNYJ TY!".
        SLUCHIVSHAYASYA RYADOM BOYARSKAYA DUMA DOSTALA IZ-POD POLY
  SBRITYE CAREM BORODY I, USTAVYA IH, SELA NA KAMESHKI ZASEDATX.
  "TIRAN!" - PROHRIPEL S VOROT VISYASHCHIJ NA NIH BOYARIN SVINXIN,-
  NA OBLOMKAH TVOEGO SAMOVLASTXYA NAPISHUT I MOE IMYA!". MENXSHIKOV
  ZAKRYL VOROTA I BOYARIN UMOLK. A DUMA STALA BITX CHELOM GOSUDA-
  RYU POD DYH: "PETR ALEKSEEVICH! NADOBNO GRAD ZAKLASTX, A TO
  OKOLEEM. POKA VOJSKA SHVEDA VOYUYUT, DAVAJ VTIHARYA OSNUEM, HOROM
  PONASTROIM! A TO KONFUZ MOZHET VYJTI - CHEREZ 200 LET PRIDUT
  MATROSIKI ZIMNIJ BRATX, A EGO NET!
        SLUCHIVSHIJSYA RYADOM SVYATEJSHIJ SINOD VSTAL NA MOLITVU
  PROTESTA PROTIV NASTUPAYUSHCHIH SUMEREK. HMELXNOJ DXYAK, POTRYASAYA
  EVANGILIEM OT FONARYA, VYRAZIL CARYU OT IMENI BOGA VOTUM NEDO-
  VERIYA. "POSLUSHAJTE, VY, POMAZANNIK BOZHIJ! CHTOB YA TAK ZHIL,
  KAK SINODU HOLODNO! ILI V ROSSII KONCHILOSX UMNYH CAREV, ILI
  YA NE PONIMAYU, KOMU DOLZHNO BOLETX ZA |TO DELO! VETER SHMONAET
  POD RYASOJ, KAK GUBCHEKA, A CARX SIDIT I CHESHET PEJSY, VMESTO
  VSTATX I ZALOZHITX GOROD. IMEJTE, NAKONEC, CHTO-NIBUDX DELATX!
  SINODU HOCHETSYA SO VKUSOM POMOLITXSYA! ZOVITE ISAKA, PUSTX
  STROIT SOBOR SVOEGO IMENI."
        GOSUDARX-BATYUSHKA VSTAL VO VESX SVOJ GIGANSKIJ ROST I
  POCHESAL SKIPETROM V ZATYLKE KAMER-FREJLINY. V EGO OCHAH ZAMA-
  YACHILO, VSE OTSHATNULISX. KOGDA CHEREZ POLCHASA VSE PRISHATNULISX
  OBRATNO, SAMODERZHEC, NAPYALIVAYA PANTALONY, POTREBOVAL PERO,
  BUMAGU, ALFAVIT I OB'YAVIL UKAZ: "IDYA NAVSTRECHU POZHELANIYAM
  TRUDOVOGO DVORYANSTVA I POSTOVOGO DUHOVENSTVA, POVELEVAYU -
  SPUSTITX FLOT, A NA VYRUCHENNYE DENXGI, K VYASHCHEJ SLAVE ROSSII,
  ZDESX BUDET GOROD ZALOZHEN, DABY UTVERDITXSYA V |TIH BOLOTAH,
  RAZ UZH VSE RAVNO MY V NIH UVYAZLI. I, CHUET MOE SERDCE, NAZVATX
  SEJ GRAD NADOBNO SANKT-LENINBURG, DABY NE BYLO POTOMKAM MORO-
  KI." PODPISX. PECHATX. BUHGALTERII - OPLATITX.
        I ZAKIPELA RABOTA! SLUCHIVSHIJSYA RYADOM UBOGIJ CHUHONEC
  SSUDIL DENEG I PODVEZ NA UTLOM CHELNE STROJMATERIALY. PRORA-
  BOM BYL NAZNACHEN KNYAZX MENSHIKOV, PROIZVEDENNYJ PO SLUCHAYU V
  STARSHIE KNYAZXYA. ON ZASUCHIL RUKAVA KAMER-FREJLINY I S GOLOVOJ
  USHEL V NOVOE DELO.
        ARHITEKTOR RASTRELLI PRIVEZ TIPOVOJ PROEKT CARSKOGO
  DVORCA S RAZDELXNYM SANUZLOM. VSKORE DOVOLXNYJ PETR, POTIRAYA
  RUKI KAMER-FREJLINY, V'EHAL PO ORDERU SENATA V NOVYE APPAR-
  TAMENTY. NA FRONTONE UKREPILI NADPISX "CARX", A TABLICHKU
  "GOSUDARSTVENNYJ |RMITAZH"" POKUDA ZABROSILI NA CHERDAK. IDYA
  NAVSTRECHU GORODNICKOMU, U VHODA PRISOBACHILI ATLANTOV, I,
  PERED SNOM, NA NIH MECHTATELXNO GLYADELA KAMER-FREJLINA.
        PXYANYE KREPOSTNYE VYREZALI IZ KAMNYA KAKUYU-TO GADOSTX,
  A NEKIJ BARIN PRIKAZAL VYSTAVITX EE NA NABEREZHNUYU. SVEJSKIJ
  POSOL OBRUGAL GADOSTX "SFINKSOM", I POLUCHIL V MORDU. KOROLX
  KARL ZAYAVIL PROTEST, A PETR POSLAL EMU NOTU "SAM SFINKS!".
  RAZRAZILASX VOJNA. NAUCHENNYJ GORXKIM OPYTOM CARX UCHREDIL
  KUNCKAMERU I OTNYNE VSE GADOSTI STALI HRANITXSYA V NEJ. A
  SVEJSKOGO POSLA-OHALXNIKA BYLO VELENO NE PUSHCHATX.
        STARSHIJ KNYAZX MENXSHIKOV POVELEL SDATX K ROZHDESTVU ZDA-
  NIE SINODA. PXYANYE KREPOSTNYE VZYALI VSTRECHNYJ PLAN I, ZLOVE-
  SHCHE UHMYLYAYASX, SDALI K SEDXMOMU NOYABRYA. NE PONYAVSHIJ NAMEKA
  VLADYKA PEREREZAL LENTOCHKU, I NAD ZDANIEM VZVILSYA KUMACHEVYJ
  PLAKAT S NADPISXYU "SLAVA BOGU!".
        VSKORE OTKRYLASX ASSAMBLEYA. NA MITINGE IMPERATOR NAZ-
  VAL SVOJ VEK 18-M OPREDELYAYUSHCHIM I OBESHCHAL VSEM SKOREJSHEE POST-
  ROENIE RAZVITOGO KAPITALIZMA. PXYANYE KREPOSTNYE KRICHALI:
  "URA!" I RVALI NA GRUDI RUBAHU KAMERFREJLINY.
        PO VECHERAM PETR ALEKSEEVICH SVERSHAL MOCION PO SENATSKOJ
  PLOSHCHADI, PODOZRITELXNO EE OGLYADYVAYA I PRIGOVARIVAYA: "OH, NUT-
  ROM CHUYU, PORA STROITX PETROPAVLOVSKUYU KREPOSTX, OPLOT MOEGO
  SAMODERZHAVNOGO PROIZVOLA!".
        PXYANYE KREPOSTNYE ZHIVO VOZDVIGNULI KAZEMAT, A RACHITELX-
  NYJ MENXSHIKOV ZAKOVAL PRIEMNUYU KOMISSIYU V ZHELEZA I POSADIL NA
  ISPYTANIE OB'EKTA.
        VSKORE PETR DAL V ASSAMBLEE BAL PO SLUCHAYU PRISVOENIYA
  EMU PO ITOGAM GODA NOMERA PERVOGO. NA BALU ARHITEKTOR RASST-
  RELLI OPROSTAL SHTOF I OBLOZHIL ZODCHEGO ROSSI V STILE BAROKKO.
  RASTROENNYJ ROSSI V OTMESTKU NACHERTAL EMU NA PLANE PETERGOF-
  SKOGO SADA SOROK SHESTX TUALETOV. IZRYADNO POPOTEL BEDNYAGA
  RASSTRELLI, PEREDELYVAYA IH V FONTANY.
        POD SHUMOK KAKOJ-TO ADMIRAL VYSTROIL SEBE TEJSTVO BEZ
  RAZRESHENIYA. PETR OSERCHAL, VYZVAL SKULXPTORA KLODTA I POVELEL
  IZVAYATX ADMIRALA V NEPOTREBNOM VIDE. TAK POYAVILASX LOSHADX NA
  ANICHKOVOM MOSTU. A KOGDA GOSUDARX RASSORILSYA S ANICHKOJ, K
  PERVOJ LOSHADI PRIBAVILASX VTORAYA.
        POTOM BRODYACHIE SANTEHNIKI PROLOZHILI V GORODE VODOPRO-
  VOD, POSLE CHEGO GOROD V PERVYJ RAZ ZATOPILO. BRODYACHIE |LEKT-
  RIKI USTANOVILI FONARI, NAKAZALI VSEM ZHDATX OTKRYTIYA |LEKTRI-
  CHESTVA I SKRYLISX S DENXGAMI. A ZATURKANNYE MGLOJ OBYVATELI
  ZAKAZYVALI V CERKVYAH MOLEBNY O PRISHESTVII |DISSONA.
        PRORAB MENXSHIKOV POLUCHIL GEROYA KREPOSTNICHESKOGO TRUDA,
  ZELO ZAVAZHNICHAL I NADULSYA. TUT UZH PRISHLOSX DATX EMU DVAZHDY
  GEROYA. A VSEGO POLUCHILOSX TRIZHDY.
        V OBSHCHEM VSE BYLO NA MAZI. PO|TOMU GOSUDARX-BATYUSHKA
  PETR ALEKSEEVICH SCHEL SVOYU MISSIYU VYPOLNENNOJ, DLYA OSTRASTKI
  KOGO NE USPEL - KAZNIL, DORUBIL OKNO, PRIGUBIL KAMER-FREJLI-
  NU I VSKORE POMER. A ROZHDENNAYA IM SEVERNAYA PALXMIRA PONES-
  LASX PO VOLNAM ISTORII, RAZMAHIVAYA MOSTAMI.
        CARYAM HRONICHESKI NE VEZLO. K VLASTI PRISHEL PETR III,
  PROZVANNYJ LISHNIM. ZA |TO NACHITAVSHAYASYA "OTELLO" ZNATX UDUSHI-
  LA EGO I POSHLA CHITATX "MUMU".
        ZATEM PAVEL POLUCHIL V LOB TABAKERKOJ, HOTYA MINZDRAV IM-
  PERII NE RAZ PREDUPREZHDAL EGO O VREDE KURENIYA. A NIKOLAYU PRI-
  SNILSYA PUSHKIN V BUDENOVKE. CARX ZAKRICHAL, PROSNULSYA, VYSKOCHIL
  V ISPODNEM VO DVOR SVOEGO IMPERATORSKOGO VELICHESTVA, A TAM
  GERCEN SPIT, I DEKABRISTY EGO BUDYAT. CARX NAZAD, A TAM PUSH-
  KIN, NO UZHE S NAGANOM. NASILU USPOKOILSYA.
        ZATO ALEKSANDR, POLUCHIV PULYU V ZHIVOT, OBLEGCHENNO VZDOH-
  NUL. ON, NAKONEC, UZNAL OTVET NA MUCHIVSHIJ EGO VSE VREMYA
  VOPROS: "DLYA CHEGO NARODOVOLXCY HODYAT V TIR?".
        FEODALIZM VETSHAL. POSKRIPYVALI USTOI. OSVOBOZHDENNYE
  KRESTXYANE NAVODNILI NEVSKIJ I PRISTAVALI K PROHOZHIM S VOPRO-
  SAMI: "A, GDEJ TUT, BARIN, VYKOLACHIVAYUTX PRIBAVOCHNUYU STOI-
  MOSTX?". TUT UZH OCHEREDNOJ CARX PLYUNUL, I OB'YAVIL TORZHEST-
  VENNYJ VVOD PROLETARIATA V |KSPLUATACIYU.
        ISTORIYA NABIRALA TEMP, BURLYA NOVACIYAMI I REFORMAMI. NA-
  KONEC-TO STRYASLOSX PRISHESTVIE |DISONA. |LEKTRIKI VRUBILI
  SVET, I NAROD VOOCHE RAZGLYADEL YAZVY SAMODERZHAVIYA. RABOCHIJ
  KLASS, PROGULIVAYASX VECHERAMI VDOLX MOJKI, NACHAL PODUMYVATX
  O SOYUZE BORXBY ZA OSVOBOZHDENIE SEBYA. VSKORE CARSKIJ OVIR ZA-
  MUCHILSYA VYPISYVATX REVOLYUCIONERAM VIZY NA |MMIGRACIYU. PRISH-
  LOSX IZOBRESTI PISHUSHCHUYU MASHINKU. A KOGDA GOSUDARX-IMPERATOR
  NASHEL ZA KORSETOM U KAMER-FREJLINY GODOVUYU PODSHIVKU "ISKRY",
  ON PONYAL, CHTO DNI EGO SOCHTENY. NOCHXYU EMU MERESHCHILISX TERRORIS-
  TY, BROSAYUSHCHIE BOMBY, ZHENU I PITX. SAMODERZHEC PROSHELSYA PO ZIM-
  NEMU, SOBRAL UZELOK S BELXISHKOM I GOSUDARSTVENNOJ KAZNOJ I
  NAPISAL MANIFEST PO SOBSTVENNOMU ZHELANIYU, ZAKANCHIVAYUSHCHIJSYA
  SLOVAMI "A POSHLI VY VSE ... ".
        A POKA VSE SHLI, KANONIR "AVRORY" DERNUL ZA VEREVOCHKU,
  DVERCA OTKRYLASX I CHEREZ NEE K VLASTI PRISHLI SOVETY. KERENS-
  KIJ SBEZHAL V PARIZH, USPEV POSLATX V SMOLXNYJ ZAGADOCHNUYU
  TELEGRAMMU: "|H, VY, A ESHCHE V KEPKE!".
        GOROD PRIVETSTVOVAL KRASNUYU VLASTX BELYMI NOCHAMI. |TO
  BYL VYZOV. STENY ZAPESTRELI PRIZYVAMI "BEJ BELYH!". OBYVATELX
  PODUMAL, CHTO U VLASTI NEGRY I OCHENX PEREPUGALSYA. NO, SLAVA
  BOGU, VSE RAZ'YASNILOSX. I S KAZHDYM GODOM STANOVILOSX VSE
  YASNEE. "UZH LUCHSHE BY NEGRY!" - VZDYHAET POROJ OBYVATELX, VSPO-
  MINAYA GOLODNYJ PETROGRAD PROSHLOGO V TAKOM ZHE LENINGRADE NY-
  NESHNEM. "A NE VERNUTX LI |RMITAZHU EGO DOBROE IMYA?" - ZAKRADY-
  VAYUTSYA POROJ K OBYVATELYU KRAMOLXNYE MYSLI. "HOROSHO BY!" -
  VTORIT EMU LETNIJ SAD, DO SIH POR TOMYASHCHIJSYA ZA RESHETKOJ.
  "LED TRONULSYA!" EZHEGODNO DOKLADYVAET NEVA. I STOYASHCHAYA NA NEJ



Sadykov V A (slava@angel.energy.msk.su) wrote:
Bratiya i sestry!

Rad soobshchit' vam blaguyu vest', to bish', zamechatel'nuyu novost'!  V
izdatel'stve "ROSMEN" vyshel novyj zadachnik Grigoriya Ostera "FIZIKA"!
Prichem v nem est' ne tol'ko zadachi, no i otvety k nim, chto,
nesomneno, dolzhno povysit' ego populyarnost' sredi teh, kto nikogda v
zhizni ne znal, chto sila tyazhesti izmeryaetsya s N'yutonah, a ne v
kilogrammah. A teper' chut'-chut' iz zadachnika, da prostyat menya
bog-otec, bog-syn i bog-kopirajt.

No 15.
Kolya lovil devchonok, okunal ih v luzhu i staratel'no izmeryal glubinu
pogruzheniya kazhdoj devchonki, a Tolya tol'ko stoyal ryadyshkom i smotrel,
kak devchonki barahtayutsya. CHem otlichayutsya Koliny dejstviya ot Tolinyh,
i kak takie dejstviya nazyvayut fiziki?

Otvet: I fiziki, i himiki nazovut Koliny i Toliny dejstviya
huliganstvom i nadayut po shee oboim. No nado priznat', chto s tochki
zreniya besstrastnoj nauki Tolya proizvodil nablyudeniya, a Kolya stavil
opyty.

No 28.
CHto meshaet semiklassniku Vase, pojmannomu direktorom shkoly na meste
kureniya, raspast'sya na otdel'nye molekuly i vrassypnuyu ischeznut' iz vida?
Otvet: Vzaimnoe prityazhenie molekul semiklasnika meshaet im rasstat'sya
navsegda i skryt'sya ot direktora.

No 66.
Odnazhdy semiklasnik Vasya, tol'ko chto izuchivshij na uroke fiziki
vzaimodejstvie tel, byl sbit s nog nechayanno vyskochivshim iz shkoly
tret'eklasnikom Dimochkoj. S kakoj cel'yu Vasya posle etogo sluchaya
gnalsya za Dimochkoj poltora chasa?

Otvet: CHtoby privesti v ispolnenie zakon prirody, po kotoromu
dejstvie tela na drugoe telo ne mozhet byt' odnostoronnim. Vsyakoe
dejstvie rozhdaet protivodejstvie.

No 70.
Molekula vody isparilas' iz kipyashchego chajnika i, podletaya k potolku,
lob v lob stolknulas' s neizvestno kak prokravshejsya na kuhnyu
molekuloj vodoroda. Kto bystrej otletel?

Otvet: Ta molekula, ch'ya massa men'she. Molekula vodoroda. Nechego ej po
kuhnyam shastat'.

No 89.
Pochemu amerikancy, kotorye zhivut pryamo pod nami na drugoj storone
Zemli, ne syplyutsya s planety kak goroh? I pochemu ne syplemsya my,
kogda vrashchayushchayasya Zemlya perevorachivaetsya?

Otvet: Potomu chto i my, i amerikancy, i Zemlya - vse vzaimno
prityagivaemsya drug k drugu. |to nazyvaetsya vsemirnym tyagoteniem. Vot
pochemu nas vseh tak i tyanet v Ameriku.

No 97.
Perestala li dejstvovat' sila tyazhesti na Vovochku, kotoryj uzhe doletel
s kryshi saraya do poverhnosti planety Zemlya?

Otvet: Net, ne perestala. Hotya Vovochka i krichit, chto lezhachih ne b'yut.

No 111.
Smozhet li nechistaya sila velichinoj ne bolee 1000 n'yutonov golymi
rukami podnyat' iz groba pokojnika, massa kotorogo 120 kg?

Otvet: Ne bojtes', ne smozhet.

No 168.
Odin prekrasno vospitannyj, skromnyj, vezhlivyj mal'chik pogruzilsya v
zhidkost' i vel sebya tam horosho. No zhidkost' vse ravno vytol'kala ego.
Za chto vyperli ni v chem ne vinovatogo rebenka?

Otvet: Za to, chto ves mal'chika men'she vesa zhidkosti, vzyatoj v ob®eme
ego tela.

No 199.
Smozhet li nechistaya sila v 1000 H s pomoshch'yu rychaga, bol'shee plecho
kotorogo 2 m, a men'shee 0,5 m, podnyat' iz groba pokojnika, massa
kotorogo 120 kg?

Otvet: Oj, smozhet! Spasajsya, kto hochet!

No 225.
Grabiteli otnyali u poterpevshego den'gi, dokumenty, razdeli ego do
gola i reshiv, chto vzyat' s nego bol'she nechego, kinuli s mosta v rechku.
CHem vse-taki obladal poterpevshij na polputi k holodnoj vode?

Otvet: Potencial'noj energiej, postepenno perehodyashchej v kineticheskuyu.

A eshche v etom zadachnike est' laboratornye raboty!



Instruktor predlozhil vvodnuyu ekipazhu bombardirovshchika:

- Na bortu voznik pozhar, i vy dolzhny pokinut' samolet. Odnako fonar'
kabiny ne otstrel'nulsya, a kryshku shturmanskogo lyuka zaelo.  Vashi
dejstviya, lejtenant Smit?

- YA budu katapul'tirovat'sya cherez fonar', - otvetil komandir
vozdushnogo korablya.

- O'kej, - skazal instruktor, - samolet vy pokinete, no razob'ete
golovu i pogibnete. Vtoroj pilot, vashi dejstviya?

- YA pokinu mashinu cherez otverstie, prodelannoe komandirom.




Hleb -  Ispechennyj hleb delitsya na dve chasti - tebe polovina i mne
polovina. K hlebu mozhno podat' kipyatok, krasivo nasadiv hlebnye
kusochki na kraeshek granenogo stakana.

Lepeshki kukuruznye - Nakormit' korovu kukuruzoj. CHerez tri chasa
lepeshki budut gotovy. CHtoby v etom ubedit'sya, potykajte ih vilami.

Vtoroe po-rossijski -   Na ploho vymytuyu tarelku polozhit' odnu-dve
kuchki holodnogo garnira. Sverhu, pal'cami, polozhit' chto-nibud'
myasnoe ili rybnoe. Obyaza tel'no polit' podlivoj. K blyudu horosho
podat' zhirnye lozhki ( zalogovaya cena 100 p. ). Teper' blyudo gotovo,
ego mozhno vylivat' v vedro.

Pel'meni po-kitajski -  Gotovit' lyubym sposobom, no obyazatel'no 1.5 mlrd.

Myaso po-anglijski -     Vzyat' myaso, i ujti ne proshchayas'.

                            * * *

Esli v pishche vas, prezhde vsego, interesuet energeticheskaya cennost',
poprobujte prigotovit' obychnyj vysokovol'tnyj transformator.

V kachestve horoshih kostej dlya supa rekomenduem shest'-shest' i
pyat'-pyat'. Pus to-pusto, pusto-odin i tomu podobnye ne berite - navar
nevelik.

Esli u vas net myasorubki, poprobujte prodavit' myaso cherez durshlag.

Ne lishnimi pri prigotovlenii borshcha okazalis' by i te neskol'ko
kusochkov myas a, kotorye vy navernyaka s®eli desyat' minut nazad.

Pered tem, kak vylit' gotovoe blyudo iz kastryul'ki, ubedites', chto pod
oknam i nikogo net.

* Subj : Ostroe blyudo po drevnim receptam. Re: Hare Krishna

 VG> Privetstvuyu, Kay!

 VG> MER Nov 23 1994, v 22:31 poyavilos' pis'mo ot Kay Ziatz k Vladimir
 VG> Guzhov po povodu "Hare Krishna"...

 VG>>> Pod avtorom, IMHO podrazumevalsya tot... zabyl, koroche
 VG>>> VELICHAJSHIJ, MUDRE
 KZ>> Ne, vse citaty,  privedyannye mnoj, predstavlyayut soboj izmyshle-
 KZ>> niya lichno Krishny (kommentarii ya ignoriroval).

 VG> Odnako, neploho bylo by napomnit' mne vse dlinnooe naimenovanie Velichaj
 VG> shego, ili kak tam ego... Zapamyatoval, a tak - neudobno kak-to :( A
 VG> eshche kak zvat' etogo... Nu kotoryj gnezdilsya tut, ves' takoj svyatoj
 VG> , v kvadratnyh ochkah, s ozherel'em iz bumazhnyh orhidej... Eshche ruku
 VG> pryatal v meshochke, vystaviv naruzhu ukazatel'nyj palec cherez dyrku
 VG> - chtob proizvodit' deflo... tfu! iniciaciyu... (To vse "izmy" na
 VG> zubah vyazli, teper' vot "acii-zacii".) A to pohozhe chto s prisnopa
 VG> myatnogo 86 goda ego tut ne bylo bol'she,tol'ko i popadaetsya chtimoe c
 VG> vetnoe foto ego.

 KZ>> Ne sovsem soglasen (ili sovsem ne soglasen?)
 KZ>> Krishnaizm, prepodnosimyj  Prabhupadoj  D  ves'ma ortodoksalen,
 KZ>> tem bolee,  chto v Induizme "pravoslavnost'"  traktuetsya  bolee
 KZ>> shiroko,  chem v hristianstve.  Konechno raznica ta zhe, chto mezhdu
 KZ>> Hristom  i tepereshnimi hristianami,  no imho nyneshnie katoliki
 KZ>> ushli ot Hrista dal'she, chem Prabhupada ot Krishny.

 VG> ??? Kak skazat'... Rech'-to shla ne o hristianstve, prosto, Karlos opisy
 VG> val otnositel'noo nedavnie  sobytiya, s nim proizoshedshie v rezul'tate vst
 VG> rechi so svoim nagvalem, a tut kto-to opisyval analogichnoe, proizoshedshee s
 VG> Ardzhunoj, vstretivshim svoego nagvalya... davnen'ko.

 VG>>> A chto za mesto, v kotorom Ardzhuna vse eto imel udovol'stvie
 VG>>> sozercat'?
 KZ>> Po opredeleniyu D pole Kukurukukurukshetra...

 VG> Hm... Uzh ne na tom li pole Kalachakra sferoidal'no razvorachivalas', tra
 VG> nzitom emaniruya vo vselennuyu? Pole bylo bol'shoe, volne razvrachivaniya mesta
 VG> by hvatilo, glavnoe chtoby Ardzhuna ne teryal obratnoj leptonnoj s vyazi... a
 VG> on ee i ne te ryal :-I (To DK - kak vidish', bylo... i vse o tom zhe)

 KZ>> A esli ser'yazno,  to Krishna snabdil Ardzhunu zreniem neskol'kih
 KZ>> izmerenij. Tut imeetsya v vidu, chto ne Krishna prodemonstriroval
 KZ>> svoyu osobuyu  formu,  a  chto on snabdil Ardzhunu osobym zreniem,
 KZ>> sam ostavayas' kak obychno. Takuyu fignyu vse nagvali umeyut prode-
 KZ>> lyvat'.

 VG> A-a-a... YA tak ne podumal potomu, chto obiliem predstavlennyh _svoih_
 VG> vrode by form Krishna uslozhnil zadachu Luzhkovu po izgotovleniyu emu
 VG> (Krishne) pamyatnika v natural'nuyu velichinu. Ty zhe skazal, chto Krishna v kak
 VG> om-to meste _sebya_ pokazal emu vse bogatstvo _svoih_ form... A nas
 VG> chet prodelok s _videniem_, dyk eto verno zamecheno.

 VG>>> Zaetc s Pertcem :) vstupili v reakciyu...Interesno, chto iz
 VG>>> etogo poluchitsya
 KZ>> Nichego horoshego ne poluchitsya D vdvojne vrednoe blyudo D  ostroe
 KZ>> i nevegetarianskoe.

 VG> Vah! Skol'ko s indusami obshchalsya - tak u nih vse ochen' ostroe, i properets
 VG> chennoe. Da i ne vse oni tak panicheski boyalis' myasnogo. Vot naprimer
 VG> Ashok Kumar (takoj znakomyj byl) - bramin, potomok dinastii korolej Ashok
 VG> ov, krutoj mag, hranitel' ZHemchuzhnogo Kol'ca - ne brezgoval nikakoj pishchej
 VG> , schitaya chto _on_ "gospodin subboty", a doma ne brezgoval podrabatyvat
 VG> ' raznoschikom chaya v poezdah. Otvyazannyj chelovek (s)MP, odnako. Ponyatnoe
 VG> delo, mozhno byt' "rabom subboty", no esli ty gospodin - to drugoe de
 VG> lo, eto eshche i IH mnogo pozzhe propagandiroval.

 VG> Odnako, chtob blyudo bylo aromatno, pitatel'no i glazu priyatno, vnesu v
 VG> nego specii, i prigotovlyu ego po drevnim magicheskim receptam.

 KZ>> A voobshche s anglijskogo Hare Krishna perevoditsya kak Zayac
 KZ>> Krishna...

 VG> Raz've? Hotya Rabbit Krishna - neploho zvuchit, da ladno, u Krishny-to, kak
 VG> i u vseh solidnyh nagvalej "v vozraste" skaplivalos' pomnogu raznyh ime
 VG> n, mozhet ot etogo takaya vot putanica.

 KZ>>    C pozhelaniyami priyatnogo appetita, zayac v souse Ank®l Bens...

 VG> Naschet unklya bensa... YA privyk kak-to s detstva (na nekotoroe vremya -
 VG> potom privychki vse stali prohodit') k tomu, chto esli na banke narisova
 VG> na svin'ya, to eto svinaya tushenka ili drugoj produkt zhivotnovodstva, es
 VG> li rogatoe sushchestvo - to znachit v banke chto-to ot krupnogo rogatogo sk
 VG> ota... i vse ulybayutsya. A tut narisovan negr 8-0! Znachit eto NE vegeta
 VG> rianskij produkt, i prichem tut vsyakie otbornye pomidory i kartofel'naya ka
 VG> sha? Skoree vsego tut porabotal KKK, chto perevoditsya kak Krishnaitsko-Kasta
 VG> nedskij Klan. Vot, goospoda kak ono-to :( I ruki u vseh nas po lokot'
 VG> v tushenke :) bud' ty myasogryz ili vegetarianec. Speshno mantru nado
 VG> ispolnyat' :)! Zatyanem horom: govin-nda hare-ej! goupa-ada harej!
 VG> govin-nda hare-e-j! goupa-ada harej ! ma-da-na-gupa-a-da - mo-o-ha
 VG> na-ruupa ma-da-na-gupa-a-da - mo-o-ha na-ruupa mo-o-hana-ruupa, ma
 VG> -da-na-gupa-a-da mo-o-hana-ruupa, ma-da-na-gupa -a-da.... Oj, eto
 VG> dlinnaya slishkom mantra... Est' bolee sil'nye pokoroche, pra vda ne
 VG> l'zya ih ispolnyat' v prisutstvii musul'manskih fundamentalist ov...
 VG> i voobshche v prisutstvennyh mestah. Pri nepravil'nom ee upotre ble
 VG> nii vas mogut zarezat' srazu i prichem bol'no i obidno :(, zato pri
 VG> pravil'nom - mozhno razognat ' polchishcha supostatov... Tol'ko dlya nacha
 VG> la luchshe eto ispytyvat', kogda ne bolee odnogo protivnika pered t
 VG> oboj, ili za spinoj gruppa vooruzhennyh druzej. Vot ona:
 VG> Man turA gOidum, pul' nadOidam! Ker puht bat nihUri! TukalOn maj
 VG> mUn padarnalYAp! DzhalYAb! Kse ochitogOm! Sich Amchik! SHCHegEci pIrshi - she
 VG> gEci trAkshi! Addam balAs ahtYm dzhass!!! Hot' tut srazu neskol'ko
 VG> predlozhenij, no govorit' nado na odnom dyhanii i bez zapinok, s py
 VG> lom i zharom - v stile ploshchadnoj brani. Poskol'ku eto na drevnem yazy
 VG> ke, to ponimayut ochen' mnogie vostochnye lyu di, a vostok - delo tonk
 VG> oe.

 VG> A chtob kto sluchajno ne obidelsya (vdrug ehu lyudi chitat' budut) - vot
 VG> umirotvoryayushchee zaklinanie:
 VG> "K®e vajoj oten kini, narimas'-tane?" - "Kekkodas!!!" nado otvechat'
 VG> :-I, i gnev s obidkami projdet.

 VG> K sozheleniyu ubogimi knopami na klave vse akusticheskoe bogatstvo peredt
 VG> ' nevozmozhno, i proiznoshenie mozhet sil'no otlichat'sya ot nuzhnogo. Pere
 VG> vodit' na russkij - bessmyslenno, v perevode teryaetsya vsya sila. Samooche
 VG> vidno -  naprimer moguchee arabskoe zaklinanie "AhhhhujB®etMaddallihhhhe
 VG> ppp!!!" v perevode budet oznachat' vsego lish' "Moj brat zhelaet mne
 VG> blag" :( i vsya sila ische zaet :(
 VG> Vse eto magiya slov, odnako... Ee i po siyu poru pol'zuyut, naprimer
 VG> vse eti abbreviatury, rasshifrovku kotoryh znayut tol'ko posvyashchennye
 VG> . Naprimer DDT na sakral'nom _himicheskom_ yazyke oznachaet ni mnogo
 VG> ni malo - Dihlordifeniltrihlormetilmetan... a mozhet Dihlordimetilt
 VG> rihlormetilmetan - posvyashchennye popravyat, esli chto... Koroche, prime
 VG> nyaya, skazhem _slova_ ne v sfere ih yazykogogo primeneniya mozh no za
 VG> prosto popast' vprosak, naprimer arab, poyushchij o Rodine mozhet vyzvat
 VG> ' "spravedlivoe" nedovol'stvo so storony nashih lyudej, potomu chto slovo et
 VG> o "Rodina" po arabski zvuchit tak, kak po-russki nazyvayut padshuyu zhe
 VG> nshchinu (b@#$d' to est'), a sam, pozalovavshis' na slomannyj zub tozhe vy
 VG> zovesh' neadekvatnuyu reakciyu, potomu chto "zub" po-arabski est' chlen. Tak
 VG> chto mogut imet' mesto sakral'no-genital'nye peresecheniya, chto nemudre
 VG> no, poskol'ku genitalii schitalis' veshchami sakral'nymi... Hm! Da uzh tebe
 VG> li ob etom rasskazyvat'? CHto u grekov, chto u indusov - fallos veshch' se
 VG> r'eznaya :-I A eshche oslozhnyayut delo vsyakoraznye notarikony tipa KPSS,
 VG> SSSR, HSZ, KKK, DK, KZ, VG, MP, GB, AB, i mnogo-mnogo drugih v vse
 VG> h oblastyah. I tol'ko znaya _istinnoe_ sakral'noe ih znachenie mozhe
 VG> sh' predstavlyat' ih naznache nie i dejstvie, i dazhe melkie shtuchki tozh
 VG> e srabatyvayut. Hot' ty i ne Key, no sponta nno podvergaesh'sya neobos
 VG> novannym "tonko-polevym" naezdam so st orony chajnic i chajnikov,
 VG> izrygayushchih proklyatiya v poiskah Any Key -ya. Na advansed-klaviaturah
 VG> , gde na klavishe probel lakom dlya nogtej napisano "Any Key", kazhdy
 VG> j udar po klavishe... sam ponimaesh', a voda kamen' tochit... Tak cht
 VG> o... Hare Krishna, i Om mane padme Hum! :)

 VG> S uvazheniem, Vladimir Guzhov (JUP Nov 24 1994 15:20)

 VG> -!-
 VG>  ! Origin: V kazhdoj shutke est' dolya shutki  (2:5020/296.9)




YUrij Nesterenko (comte@complife.net), http://yun.complife.net

Hello All!
Tut videl v kakoj-to ehe:"Prihodil ko mne kakoj-to yuzer, pofryakal..."
I voznik u menya po etomu povodu ryad associacij - kak, k primeru, mog
by predstavit' sebe FIDO chelovek, ne znayushchij, chto eto takoe:

Fidoshnik - sushchestvo, vneshne pohozhee na gibrid slona s porosenkom. U
nego est' korotkij i tolstyj hobot - fryakalo(frekalo). Kogda on
prihodit na BBS ili na uzel, nahodit tam takuyu bol'shuyu luzhu gustoj
zhidkosti, v kotoroj pla- vayut kuski pokrupnee i pomel'che, opuskaet
tuda hobot i nachinaet fryakat', iz- davaya hlyupayushche-hryukayushchie zvuki i
pri etom mleya ot udovol'stviya. Fidoshniki delyatsya na neskol'ko
podvidov. YUzery rozovogo cveta, u nih tonkaya nezhnaya kozha i glaza
bol'shie, glupye i dobrye. Point pohozh na yuzera, tol'ko shkura pogrubee
i ne takaya rozovaya, a v glazah dobroty men'she. U nod i sisopov shkura
tolstaya, pokrytaya zhestkoj shchetinoj i shramami ot proshlyh bitv, vsya
gryazno-buraya- nikakoj rozovosti net i v pomine, u osnovaniya hobota
imeyutsya klyki. Est' eshche strashnyj hishchnyj podvid, poluchayushchijsya v
rezul'tate mutacii ostal'nyh - mode- ratory. Ih rogovaya bronya pokryta
kostyanymi shipami, glazki malen'kie, zlobnye, sverkayut krasnym, a
kopyta imeyut formu krestovoj otvertki, poetomu tam, gde probezhit
moderator, ostayutsya "+"-obraznye sledy. |ti kopyta - osnovnoe oruzhie
hishchnika, ni odin fidoshnik ne vyderzhivaet bol'she 3h udarov. Vprochem,
nekotoryh moderatory ubivayut odnim udarom 5-dyujmovyh klykov ili
trehgrannogo hvosta.  Ohotnichij areal moderatora nazyvaetsya ehoj.
Moderatory tshchatel'no ohranyayut svoyu territoriyu:moderator, zabredshij v
chuzhuyu ehu, mozhet byt' ubit ee hozyainom takzhe, kak drugie fidoshniki.
Moderatory byvayut dvuh vidov - odni nebol'shie i provornye, ohotyatsya
ezhednevno, no redko dobyvayut bol'she odnoj zhertvy za raz; drugie
massivnye i neuklyuzhie, naevshis', podolgu spyat, zato prosnuvshis', pro-
nosyatsya s vizgom i grohotom po vsej ehe, davya vse na svoem puti.
Nemalovazhnuyu rol' v ekologii FIDO igrayut modemy - bol'shie beskrylye
krovososushchie parazity s dlinnym hobotkom. Novejshie issledovaniya
pokazali, chto eto ne parazity, a simbionty; nekotorye uchenye dazhe
polagayut, chto bez nih nevozmozhen process fryakan'ya...



      filosofsko-religioznoj sistemy
               "SAKRALIS"

            Sankt-Peterburg.
                 1993 g.

      Uchenie polnost'yu   prinyato   pryamym    mozgovym    veshchaniem
 posredstvom obratnoj  leptonnoj  svyazi,  blagodarya podklyucheniyu k
 Sferoidal'noj Volne Razvorachivaniya,  tranzitom emaniruemoj cherez
 informacionnoe pole.

 [skipnuto]
----------------------------------------------------------------

    ZHelayushchie izuchit' etu sistemu mogut FREQ c /143 (ili vzyat' s Astrology
Club BBS) fajl danila.arj.

Vsego dobrogo,
Vadim Petrakov




     v CHas nochi.  Perehod "Novoslobodskaya" - "Mendeleevskaya".  V perehode u
     stenki lezhit bomzh neopredelennogo pola.  Toshchij i gryaznyj, lezhit v luzhe.
     Ryadom valyaetsya butylka.  Bomzh spit.  Vid i zapah - udruchayushchie.   >:-(
     Na lackane dranogo pidzhaka - znachok: "LOOSE WEIGHT NOW ? ASK ME HOW !"


This is a set of some very funny jokes about the Pentium bug - hope
you get a chuckle from them:

[one note of explanation: F. Gump is a reference to Forrest Gump, the
recent movie]


From the local messages board of Bell Labs Murray Hill (stolen from America
On-Line):

Date: 29 Nov 1994 09:15:27 -0500
Organization: America Online, Inc. (1-800-827-6364)
NNTP-Posting-Host: newsbf01.news.aol.com

Q&A:  THE PENTIUM FDIV BUG

Q:   How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:   1.99904274017, but that's close enough for non-technical people.

Q:  What do you get when you cross a Pentium PC with a  research
grant?
A:   A mad scientist.

Q:  What's another name for the "Intel Inside" sticker they put on
Pentiums?
A:  Warning label.

Q:  What do you call a series of FDIV instructions on a Pentium?
A:  Successive approximations.

Q:  Complete the following word analogy:  Add is to Subtract as
Multiply
is to
        1)  Divide
        2)  ROUND
        3)  RANDOM
        4)  On a Pentium, all of the above
A:  Number 4.


Q:  What algorithm did Intel use in the Pentium's floating point
divider?
A:  "Life is like a box of chocolates." (Source: F. Gump of Intel)

Q:  Why didn't Intel call the Pentium the 586?
A:  Because they added 486 and 100 on the first Pentium and got
585.999983605.

Q:  According to Intel, the Pentium conforms to the IEEE standards
754 and 854 for floating point arithmetic.  If you fly in aircraft
designed using a Pentium, what is the correct pronunciation of
"IEEE"?
A:   Aaaaaaaiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeee!

TOP TEN NEW INTEL SLOGANS FOR THE PENTIUM
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
  9.9999973251   It's a FLAW, Dammit, not a Bug
  8.9999163362   It's Close Enough, We Say So
  7.9999414610   Nearly 300 Correct Opcodes
  6.9999831538   You Don't Need to Know What's Inside
  5.9999835137   Redefining the PC--and Mathematics As Well
  4.9999999021   We Fixed It, Really
  3.9998245917   Division Considered Harmful
  2.9991523619   Why Do You Think They Call It *Floating* Point?
  1.9999103517   We're Looking for a Few Good Flaws
  0.9999999998   The Errata Inside


 D> TOP TEN NEW INTEL SLOGANS FOR THE PENTIUM
 D> -+--+--+--+--+--+--+--+--+--+--+--+--+--+--+--+--+--+--+--+--+--+--+--+---
 D>   9.9999973251   It's a FLAW, Dammit, not a Bug
 D>   8.9999163362   It's Close Enough, We Say So
 D>   7.9999414610   Nearly 300 Correct Opcodes
 D>   6.9999831538   You Don't Need to Know What's Inside
 D>   5.9999835137   Redefining the PC--and Mathematics As Well
 D>   4.9999999021   We Fixed It, Really
 D>   3.9998245917   Division Considered Harmful
 D>   2.9991523619   Why Do You Think They Call It *Floating* Point?
 D>   1.9999103517   We're Looking for a Few Good Flaws
 D>   0.9999999998   The Errata Inside

Ne mogu ne dobavit':

      0.0000000156   Floating point Fixed!




Katoliki v Rossii, vynuzhdennye iz-za nedostatochnogo kolichestva kostelov podolgu
obhoditsya bez prichastiya i ispovedi, veroyatno, s entuziazmom vosprimut sozdannuyu
ih germaniskimi edinovercami novinku.  Kak soobshchilo na etoj nedele agenstvo
Reuter, v Germanii razrabotana zamenyayushchaya katolicheskogo svyashchennika komp'yuternaya
programma dlya ispovedi - "Online with Jesus".

   Demonstriruya na monitore blagochestivye religioznye kartiny, programma zadaet
pol'zovatelyu voprosy o date ego predydushchej ispovedi i o sovershennyh posle etogo
grehah.  Pri etom pol'zovatelyu predlagaetsya vybrat' "mysh'yu" sovershennye im grehi
iz poyavlyayushchegosya na monitore oficial'no utverzhdennogo Vatikanom spiska
prostupkov i pregreshenij.  Vprochem, krome tradicionnyh grehov, sozdateli
programmy vklyuchili v spisok i takie prostupki, kak "YA ne molilsya za moego bossa"
i "YA kopiroval komp'yuternye programmy bez licenzii".  Udobnyj graficheskij
interfejs programmy, a takzhe vozmozhnost' rabotat' s nej ne vyhodya iz doma,
smogut, po mneniyu agenstva Reuter, pobudit' mnogih koleblyushchihsya v vere
ispovedat'sya chashche, chem oni eto delali ran'she.

   Krome tradicionnyh voprosov, zadavaemyh v hode ispovedi, programma predlagaet
veruyushchemu pomolit'sya, demonstriruya na monitore teksty naibolee vazhnyh molitv.

   Po slovam sozdatelya programmy Harmuta Landvera, ego detishche vse zhe eshche ne
mozhet polnost'yu zamenit' nastoyashchego pastora, poskol'ku komp'yuter ne sposoben
prichastit' veruyushchego hlebom i vinom, simvoliziruyushchem plot' i krov' Gospodnyu.

   Rukovodstvo germanskoj  katolicheskoj obshchiny neodnoznachno otneslos' k
poyavleniyu novoj programmy, sochtya ee shutkoj.  Po slovam odnogo iz izvestnyh
svyashchennikov, emu ne hotelos' by, chtoby veruyushchie nachali peredavat' molitvy v
cerkov' po faksu.  Vprochem, oficial'naya cerkov' uzhe segodnya ne vozrazhaet protiv
obshcheniya molyashchihsya s nastoyashchim svyashchennikom cherez sistemy telekommunikacij.


                  po profilaktike i bor'be so SPIDom
                           Gorodskoj centr
                       medicinskoj profilaktiki

                         VYBOR: VOZDERZHATXSYA!
                         (pamyatka podrostkam)

                             Perm', 1994

     ...Uzhe pozdnij vecher.  Vam bylo tak horosho vdvoem vse eto  vremya,
chto rasstat'sya u poroga doma prosto ne hvataet sil.
     I vot vy uzhe naedine v uyutnoj komnate. Priglushen svet. Igraet mu-
zyka. Vy chuvstvuete sebya neveroyatno blizkimi drug drugu i odnovremenno
svobodnymi. Vashi emocii nastol'ko sil'ny, chto zaglushayut vse dovody ra-
zuma i morali. Vy ponimaete, chto vash drug hochet v etot moment lyubvi. I
vy gotovy otvetit'...

                              A nado li?

     Bol'shinstvo iz nas, kak zhenshchiny, tak i muzhchiny, okazyvaetsya pered
takim vyborom daleko ne odin raz v svoej zhizni. I, k sozhaleniyu, rassu-
dok ne vsegda beret verh v podobnoj situacii.  A nautro, prosnuvshis' v
ob®yatiyah, ne mozhem poverit' v sluchivsheesya. I chuvstvuem sebya uzhasno!

                         Stoit vozderzhat'sya!

     Osnovaniya dlya raskaivaniya u kazhdogo svoi. No naibolee obshchie - eto
vse-taki, navernoe, perezhivaniya moral'nogo haraktera. Ved' bol'shinstvo
iz nas polagaet, chto intimnye otnosheniya vozmozhny tol'ko v brake. Ubezh-
deniya eti mogut byt' rezul'tatom opredelennogo vospitaniya v sem'e  ili
(navernoe rezhe)  vliyaniya  religii.  No v lyubom sluchae,  poprav ih,  my
chuvstvuem sebya vinovatymi i smushchennymi.
     Inye, vozmozhno, schitayut, chto seksual'naya blizost' mozhet posluzhit'
naibolee polnomu znakomstvu,  chto ona nepremenno perejdet v  ser'eznye
otnosheniya. K tomu zhe,  kak pravilo, v takih situaciyah poyavlyaetsya zhela-
nie verit' partneru i odnovremenno dokazat' emu svoyu vernost'.  No,  v
takom sluchae,  nado nepremenno podumat' o vozmozhnoj beremennosti - sa-
moj ochevidnoj prichine dlya vozderzhaniya.  Esli my vybiraem  vozderzhanie,
my na sto procentov zashchishcheny ot nezhelatel'noj beremennosti.
    Vozderzhanie zashchishchaet nas takzhe ot venericheskih zabolevanij i SPIDa.

                   Nachnite s obyknovennogo obshcheniya

     Mnogie zaranee reshayut nachinat' svoi otnosheniya bez  seksa.  I  eto
pohval'no. Potomu chto obychnye, druzheskie vzaimootnosheniya pozvolyayut uz-
nat' drug druga,  dayut vremya nakopit' opyt, mysli, chuvstva, stat' dob-
rymi druz'yami. Seksual'nye otnosheniya mogut vnesti speshku v estestven-
no razvivayushchiesya otnosheniya,  poseyat' konflikty,  nedorazumeniya,  i,  v
itoge, razrushit' ih.

                  Kak ne otstupit' ot svoego resheniya

     Veroyatno vy budete opasat'sya, chto vashe reshenie nachinat' otnosheniya
bez seksa smozhet ottolknut' ot vas druga ili ohladit'  ego  chuvstva  k
vam. V takom sluchae,  srazu pogovorite s nim, ob®yasnite svoi chuvstva i
zhelaniya. Zatem vyslushajte ego.  I zadumajtes',  ne kroyutsya li  za  ego
slovami pustye obeshchaniya. Dlya razgovora vyberite spokojnoe vremya, kogda
vy oba ne nahodites' vo vlasti strasti.

     Esli vy reshili vozderzhat'sya ot polovyh otnoshenij,  ne shlite  drug
drugu strastnyh poslanij. Ne vyzyvajte ostryh zhelanij i oshchushchenij inymi
sposobami. Dejstvovat' inache bylo by nechestno.  Tem bolee, esli vy vo-
obshche ne uvereny v prodolzhenii svoih otnoshenij.
     Konechno, soblazn mozhet okazat'sya ochen' velik i podvergnet sil'no-
mu ispytaniyu vashe reshenie o vozderzhanii.  Postarajtes' v eto vremya iz-
begat' alkogolya, drugih narkotikov. Ih upotreblenie uslozhnit vypolne-
nie vashego  resheniya.  Zapomnite:  op'yanenie ili prebyvanie v sostoyanii
affekta - vash prigovor.
     Otkrojte dlya sebya drugie sposoby obshcheniya s vashim drugom.  |to mo-
zhet byt' obshchenie v krugu znakomyh, progulki, slushanie muzyki, sovmest-
nye zanyatiya sportom i mnogoe drugoe.

     Iskrenne zainteresovany v vashej vzaimnoj, krepkoj lyubvi bez razo-
charovanij, uprekov i tragedij. ZHelaem schast'ya!


     Sostavitel' -  zaveduyushchij organizacionno-metodicheskoj gruppoj ob-
lastnogo centra po profilaktike i bor'be so SPID :    A.YU. Rabotnikov.





(1)  Never leave diskettes in the drive, as the data can leak out
     of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive.
     Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.

(2)  Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week.
     Microscopic metal particles may be removed by waving a
     powerful magnet over the surface of the disk.  Any stubborn
     metal shavings can be removed with scouring powder and steel
     wool.  When waxing a diskette, make sure the surface is
     even.  This will allow the diskette to spin faster,
     resulting in better access time.

(3)  Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive.
     "Big" diskettes may be folded and used in "Little" drives.

(4)  Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down.  The
     data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the
     intricate mechanics of the drive.

(5)  Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through a
     photocopy machine. If your data is going to need to be
     backed up, simply insert TWO diskettes into your drive.
     Whenever you update a document, the data will be written
     onto both disks.  A handy tip for more legible backup
     copies:  keep a container of iron filings at your desk.
     When you need to make two copies, sprinkle iron filings
     liberally between the diskettes before inserting them into
     the drive.

(6)  Diskettes should not be removed or inserted from the drive
     while the red light is on or flashing. Doing so could result
     in smeared or possibly unreadable text.  Occasionally, the
     red light remains flashing in what is known as a "hung" or
     "hooked" state.  If your system is hooking, you will
     probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed to
     access the slot.

(7)  If your diskette is full and needs more storage space,
     remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for two
     minutes.  This will pack the data enough (data compression)
     to allow for more storage.  Be sure to cover all openings
     with scotch tape to prevent loss of data.

(8)  Data access time may be greatly improved by cutting more
     holes in the diskette jacket.  This will provide more
     simultaneous access points to the disk.

(9)  Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent
     system bugs from spreading.


                                                Terry



A zametili li vy, milostivye gosudari, v epohu kakogo grandioznogo
matematicheskogo sobytiya my zhivem? V samom dele, kogda progressivno
nastroennaya chast' e... naroda mozhet nadeyatsya sovershit' blagotvornyj
perevorot? Kogda naskvoz' prognivshaya politicheskaya sistema uzhe sama
nachinaet neustojchivo shatat'sya. Poproboval by kto poperestraivat'sya
v 37-m godu. Emu by poperestraivalis'. Nu vot, a ot etoj neustojchivosti
samozarozhdayutsya takie nasekomye, napodobie klopov, no eshche vrednee -
strannye attrahtory (potomu chto oni vseh tak ottrahivayut, chto dazhe
stranno delaetsya). Otnosyatsya eti sushchestva k transcendentnym oblastyam
matematiki, gde-to vdol' ee granicy to-li s fizikoj, to-li s himiej...
Sam ya o sushchestvovanii vseh etih nauk slyshal kraem uha i ne vpolne v
nih veryu. No govoryat, chto vredonosnost' etih attrahtorov proyavlyaetsya,
naprimer, v tom, chto esli kobylu, v neustojchivom razdumii prebyvayushchuyu,
shchelknut' v nos, to ona v otvet mozhet shchelknut' kopytom v lob... ili
po Prutkovu mahnut' hvostom... ili bodnut' - nu, chem kobyly bodayutsya?
T.e. vesti sebya budet yavno neadekvatno prilozhennomu vozdejstviyu.
I tak vezde. Sobiraetes' li vy zhenit'sya, ili razvodit'sya, ili ne menee
radikal'no oschastlivit' naselenie odnoj otdel'no vzyatoj strany - stoit
vam tol'ko prilozhit' vozdejstvie - i rezul'taty, esli oni budut (a esli
ih ne budet, znachit, polozhenie bylo ustojchivym i nechego bylo i sovat'sya),
okazhutsya takimi, chto vy sami udivites'. Za chto snimali gospodina
Antivinogradova vkupe so vsem leninskim CK? Za korrupciyu, za neumenie
upravlyat', za prestupnost', za afganskij sindrom, za privilegii, za
nepomerno razrosshijsya chinov'ichij korpus, za vzyatki. I chto zhe eto my
sejchas imeem? Za chto s takim entuziazmom mazali kalom gospodina zhe
Kravchenko? Za to, chto on reshil, budto narodu ne nuzhen ob®ektivnyj
politicheskij analiz, a hochet narod razvlekat'sya po radiu i televizoru.
I chto zhe? ZHit' my stali luchshe, zametno veselee, ya von dazhe ot nekotoryh
vrednyh privychek izlechilsya, stoilo ogorod gorodit'. YA tol'ko hochu vam
skazat', chto nastoyatel'nym trebovaniem sovremennosti yavlyaetsya izobretenie
special'nogo protivoottrahtornogo karbofosa. A to, dazhe esli hvostom,
to vse ravno po golove.


Alex Tihonov



                           * * *

|kzamen na 1-m kurse (prepod sidit spinoj k auditorii):
  Vse sdavayut so shpor... Prepod oborachivaetsya, smotrit v auditoriyu -- vse
  delayut vid, chto pishut...
|kzamen na 2-m kurse:
  Vse sduvayut so shpor... Prepod oborachivaetsya -- vse sdevayut so shpor, prepod
kashlyaet -- vse delayut vid...
. . .
|kzamen na 5-m kurse:
  Vse sduvayut so shpor... Prepod oborachivaetsya -- vse sduvayut so shpor, student na
pervoj parte kashlyaet, prepod povorachivaetsya spinoj k audiitorii...

                           * * *

Reshil vsevyshnij reviziyu v moskovskih VUZah ustroit':
Za mesyac do sessii -- MGU -- vse uchatsya, FizTeh -- vse uchatsya,
MAI -- vse p'yut...
Za nedelyu do sessii -- (to zhe samoe)
Za tri dnya             (to zhe samoe)
V noch' pered ekzamenom -- MGU -- vse spyat, FizTeh -- vse spyat,
MAI -- vse molyatsya.
                      !!!!! Vot im to my i pomozhem :)

                           * * *

Reshili v CRU agenta v MAI zaslat' -- mol, otkuda tam takoj narod umnyj
razuznat'.

CHerez mesyac -- nazad priletaet:
-- :( Proval! Raskololi!!
-- Kak delo to bylo? -- sprashivayut
-- Tam p'yut vse! I kuryat! A ya ne mogu, u menya instrukciya! :(
Izmenili instrukcii, zaslali vtorogo...

Rezul'tat tot zhe, no cherez 2 mesyaca
-- Nu vse tam lekcii progulivayut, a mne veleno bylo hodit' po instrukcii ! :(
Tak i raskololi :(

Opyat' izmenili/poslali, posle pervoj zhe sessii vozvrashchaetsya...
-- A teper' to v chem delo? -- sprashivayut 8-?
-- Vse sdali ekzameny, a ya zavalil :(

 "Mashina vremeni" priehala v Gruziyu.
Makarevich vyhodit na scenu nastraivaet mikrofon:
- "Raz, raz, raz ..."
Iz dinamika:
- "Adyn, adyn, adyn ..."

  student, den'gi konchilis', ostalos' na telegrammu domoj na odno slovo.
  "pyatidesyatirublirujte"


  melkij sluzhashchij ushel s raboty na polchasa ran'she, prihodit domoj, chuet
neladnoe, vidit v shchelku dveri zhenu v ob®yatiyah shefa, ubegaet obratno v kontoru, s
oblegcheniem: "uf, chut' ne zasypalsya.."


  sinyak (mestn.alkogolik) idet po kladbishchu, vidit v yame zheltoe pyatno, podhodit:
  - ty kto?
  - ya - zheltoe mogil'noe chudovishche..
  vypili, zakusili, idet dal'she, vidit v yame krasnoe pyatno, podhodit:
  - ty kto?
  - ya - krasnoe mogil'noe chudovishche..
  vypili, zakusili, idet dal'she, vidit v yame sinee pyatno, podhodit:
  - a! ya tebya znayu - ty sinee mogil'noe chudovishche..
  - grazhdanin, projdemte!


  - devushka, mozhno priglasit' Vas na chashechku kofe?
  - mozhno, no v posteli ne kurit'!


  - pochemu vy pytalis' bezhat' iz tyur'my?
  - ya hotel zhenit'sya.
  - strannye u vas predstavleniya o svobode..



V sude Subj. ZHena izbila sobstvennogo muzha.
Podsudimuyu prosyat rasskazat' kak bylo delo.

- Snachala on vyzval menya s raboty domoj,
  zatem razdel i ulozhil v postel', a potom
  s idiotskim smehom zayavil, chto segodnya 1 aprelya!

Ee opravdali...

> Muzh ishchet v chulane pilu. Ne najdya ee,
> sprashivaet zhenu:
> - Ty ne znaesh', gde nasha staraya pila?
> Iz kuhni razdaetsya golos teshchi:
> - Esli ya i pila, to ne takaya uzh staraya...
           Privet, All!

V sude.
- Otvetchik, eto pravda, chto vy nazvali grazhdanina Novaka durakom?
- |to istinnaya pravda, Vasha chest', no ya etogo ne govoril!


Umeraet muzh.ZHena,kotoraya s nim vsyu noch' rugalas',placha,govorit:
-Oj,dorogoj, ty umiraesh' i ostavlyaesh' menya odnu.YA,navernoe,skoro pojdu za
toboj.
-Ne toropis'.Daj mne nemnogo otdohnut'.

-Znaesh',u nas vchera byl vor.
-I che ukral?
-Ne uspel-popal v gospital'.ZHena dumala,chto eto ya domoj noch'yu vozvrashchayus' ...



    1. Muzh vozvrashchaetsya domoj. ZHena emu govorit:
       - Nakonec-to ya vybrosila tvoj staryj kostyum.
       Muzh ispuganno:
       - TY CHTO! S uma soshla! A v chem zhe teper' ya
         budu hodit' v nalogovuyu inspekciyu?



Matematik idet po ulice, dumaet o svoem. Vdrug vidit ukazatel': "Ka-mernyj
teatr". Interesno stalo, reshil posmotret'. CHerez nekotoroe vremya vyhodit:
  - Ka ravno dvum :-(.

  -U tebya- Rak! U tebya- Rak! U tebya- ...tozhe Rak!
Odin pacient(samyj smelyj), ne vyderzhav:
  -Doktor, kak-zhe Rak, vy ved' tol'ko vchera skazali chto Kamni?
  -Nu pravil'no, Kamni. A pod kamnyami- ...Rak!

        Vo-vo, moderatoru, vidno, v kajf chitat' perevody s ukrainsko-
    uzbeksko-SGshnogo yazyka. U nas prezident govorit na takoj zhe move,
    nazyvaemoj na Beloj Rusi "trasyanka" - ne po-russki i ne po-belorus-
    ski. I vlom moderatoru plyusami odarivat' sii perly plyusami. Rech',
    padly, zabyli russkuyu, davno tankov ne videli!!! Kogda slyshu v magazine
    vopros: "V kakuyu cenu?", tak i hochetsya skazat': "V zelenuyu, v trehlitrovuyu!"
A vot to, chto kazhdyj anekdot vspominaesh' posle
    prochteniya ocherednogo, on eto zabyvaet. Kvoting kvotingu rozn'.
    Kogda kvotiruetsya ofigenno dlinnoe pis'mo dlya dobavleniya odnogo slova -
    soglasen, davaj plyusy, kogda obsasyvanie anekdota stoit - tuda zhe.
    A vot esli sushchestvennoe izmenenie, novshestvo - za vydannyj plyus davat'
    plyus moderatoru. A narushenij plyusovyh ya nasmotrelsya ...!!! u i horoshij
    anekdot bez predisloviya ne anekdot - a stakan vina bez tosta dlya
    gruzina.

        A dlya otmazki anekdot:
    Lezhit gruzin pod derevom(grushej), na nej plody takie sochnye, krupnye
    (u samogo slyunki potekli, kak vspomnil). Sluchilos' proezzhat' mimo
    amerikanskomu millioneru. Zahotelos' emu grushu. SHlet on perevodchika s
    zadaniem: - zaplatit' skol' ugodno gruzinu, lish' by sorval odnu grushu.
    Podoshel perevodchik i govorit: - Slysh', muzhik, sorvi grushu - sto dol-
    larov dam.
    - Ne hachu!
    - Dvesti!
    - Ne hachu!
    - Tysyachu!
    - Net!
    - Million!
    - Net!
    - Da ty, imeya takie babki, smozhesh' valyatsya pod etoj grushej i nichego
      ne delat'!!
    - A sejchas ya , pa tvoemu, chem zanymayus?


Vstrechayutsya dva druga.
- Petr, mne skazali, chto ty e$%sh' moyu zhenu ! Mne eto ne nravitsya !!!
- Da vas ne pojmesh', ej - nravitsya, tebe - ne nravitsya V-(

    Idet zayac po lesu i vidit: na pen'ke butylka stoit. Daj, dumaet, pivnu.
Vypil i upal tut zhe. Idet lisa, smotrit zayac ryadom s butylkoj lezhit. Dumaet,
est' chto vypit', est' chem zakusit'. Othlebnula razok i ryadom s zajcem upala.
Idet volk, smotrit lisa, zayac i butylka. Dumaet, est' chto vypit', est' chem
zakusit', est' kogo trahnut'. Sdelal glotok iz butylki i upal. Idet medved',
vidit, est' chto vypit', est' chem zakusit', est' kogo trahnut', est' komu pi%dy
dat'. Otpil i upal.
    CHerez nekotoroe vremya ochuhalsya zayac, posmotrel vokrug i govorit:
    - Kak lisu e%^l pomnyu, kak volku pi%dy daval pomnyu, no pri chem zdes'
MEDVEDX!? ZH8-()

SHel muzhik s popojki &-)) i okolo doma naletel na derevo, sil'no razbiv golovu.
I reshil on  eto derevo spilit'. Vbegaet on domoj i poishodit u nego takoj
dialog s ego zhenoj
8-E~~ Gde pila????
     -Da nigde ya na pila!
     -Gde pila????????
     -Da nigde ya ne pila!!!
     -Poslednij raz sprashivayu - GDE PILA?????
     -U soseda!
     -A zachem dala?????
     -Pila - potomu i dala
                                     * * *
 - Dorogoj, ty vrach?
 - Da.
 - Anesteziolog?
 - Da.
 - Ponyatno.
 - CHto?
 - Pochemu my uzhe chas e....sya, a ya nichego ne chuvstvuyu!
                                     * * *
 - Doktor, kogda ya mochus' mne bol'no.
 - No ya okulist! Kak Vy ko mne popali?
 - YA skazal v registrature, chto mne nuzhen h...vyj doktor - napravili k Vam.
                                     * * *
 - Doktor, ya kak-to stranno pisayu.
 - Kak imenno?
 - Vot tak... (Pacient dostaet i obo...vaet vse v kabinete)
 - Lyubopytno, - govorit vrach vytiraya mochu s lica.
 - No eto eshche ne vse. YA eshche stranno kakayu.
 - Nu, baten'ka, s etim k terapevtu, k terapevtu...
                                     * * *
 - Doktor, ya ne mogu sovershit' polovoj akt.
 - Sestra, naklonites', a Vy smotrite.
 - Nu i p....shcha!
 - Vy menya obmanyvaete - u Vas zhe stoit!
 - Da, doktor, no poprobujte otorvat' ego ot zhivota...
                                     * * *
 - Doktor u menya navyazchivye mysli po povodu seksa.
 - Hm. O chem Vy dumaete, kogda smotrite na etot kvadrat?
 - |to kvadratnaya komnata, tam zhenshchina i ee mozhno dolgo, dolgo e...'.
 - A chto Vy skazhete, glyadya na etot treugol'nik?
 - |to treugol'naya komnata, tam zhenshchina i ee mozhno dolgo, dolgo e...'.
 ...
 - Nu a kogda smotrite na etot krug?
 - Doktor, da Vy seksual'nyj man'yak!
                                     * * *

 P.S. Vspomnilsya anekdot iz zhizni. U nas, v vedomstvennoj poliklinike, remont.
      Iz ginekolologii vynesli kreslo dlya osmotra. Ryadom stomatolologicheskoe
      otdelenie. Idu i slyshu razgovor dvuh moloden'kih milicionerov:"A eto
      kreslo dlya chego? - Da, navernoe, dlya udaleniya zubov." YA ostanovilsya i
govoryu:"Tochno, iz  pi..y." - i poshel dal'she. Oni dazhe ne ulybnulis'.
      Zato izdali uslyshal (ochen' ser'ezno i c osuzhdeniem):"Nu, chto ty hochesh',
vse psihiatry i psihologi s pri...d'yu". ;-)


"Esh'te pedigripal bez sahara - on izbavit vashi volosy ot perhoti i sdelaet vash
vaucher zolotym..."

- Kak zdorov'ichko?
- Ne dozhdetes'! :-[

- Reshila vernut'sya k muzhu...
- Pochemu?
- Ne mogu spokojno smotret' kak etot negodyaj zhivet v svoe udovol'stvie...




                    *******
    Prihodit zhenshchina k seksopatologu :
    - Doktor, kogda ya s muzhem splyu, u menya v pravom boku kolet...
    Vrach osmotrel ee: - Vy v poryadke, zovite muzha.
    Vhodit muzh, vrach: - Razden'tes'!
    Tot razdevaetsya, a apparat u nego nizhe kolen visit.
    Vrach : - Da s takim tol'ko loshadej pehterit'!
    Muzh : - Proboval - dohli, a u zheny tol'ko v boku kolet...
                    ****
    Prihodit zhenshchina k seksopatologu :
    - Doktor, menya muzh ne udovletvoryaet.
    Vrach, tozhe zhenshchina, osmotrela ee: - Vy v poryadke, zovite muzha.
    Prishel muzh, vrach ego osmotrela, v poryadke vrode:
    - Rasskazhite mne, kak prohodit vash den'.
    - Znachit, edu ya na rabotu, a na perekrestke znakomaya na svoej mashine ryadom
ostanavlivaetsya i govorit:" Na rabotu edesh' ili kak?". YA, estestvenno,
    vybirayu "ili kak". Na rabote sekrerarsha:"Rabotat' budesh' ili kak?". YA opyat'
vybirayu "ili kak". Vozvrashchayus' domoj, a sosedka: "Domoj idesh' ili kak?".
    YA opyat' vybirayu "ili kak". Potom zhena doma: "Spat' budesh' ili kak". Tut uzhe
    vybirayu spat'.
    Vrach: - Lechitsya budesh' ili kak?
                    *****
    Prishel muzhik k hirurgu, tak mol i tak, chlen koleno natiraet, hodit' bol'no.
    Rezh', mol, doktor chlen po samye ... I raspisku uzhe napisal. Sdelali muzhiku
    narkoz, tol'ko sobralsya vrach otrezat', a medsestra kak uvidela razmery i
    govorit: Mol, luchshe nogi emu otrezh', ya ego vsyu zhizn' na rukah nosit' budu!
    I tozhe raspisku napisala. Ochuhalsya muzhik posle narkoza, glyad' - nog-to i
    net u nego: - Doktor, ^@#$$*&^%$*^$*^$*, nogi gde?
    - Da medsestra poprosila - i vse emu rasskazyvaet kak bylo.
    - Vo, blin, pravdu bat'ka govoril - beda odna ne hodit -
    i H$#@  ne stoit, i nogi otrezali.
                    ******
    - Doktor, ya kogda butylku vyp'yu - konchit' ne mogu!
    - A vy, baten'ka ne pejte.
    - Togda nachat' ne mogu....
                   ******
    Poshla dama k ginekologu. V korridore ej navstrechu dvoe v belyh halatah.
    Ona k nim: - Menya muzh ne udovletvoryaet.
    Odin: - Vasya, udovletvori.
    Posle seansa: - Nu kak, udovletvoryaet?
    - Net!
    - Ladno, ya poprobuyu.
    Posle seansa: - Udovletvoryayu?
    - Net!
    - Togda vam k ginekologu.
    - A vy kto?
    - My - santehniki...
                    *****
    - Doktor, kogda my spim vmeste, u menya spina bolit.
    Vrach osmotrel parochku, nichego ne nashel, podklyuchil k parnyu datchiki i
    otpravil dlya eksperimenta v sosednyuyu komnatu na kushetku:
    - Bolit?
    - Eshche kak!!
    A na priborah nichego. Zvonit on togda professoru i rasskazyvaet etu
    situaciyu. Professor:
    - Paren' vysokij i ryzhij?
    - Da.
    - A devushka - bryunetka s kolechkom na levoj ruke?
    - Da.
    - Togda goni ih v sheyu, eto studenty - e#$@%schya im negde!
                        ******
    - Doktor, menya muzh ne udovletvoryaet.
    - Zavedite lyubovnika.
    - Zavela.
    - Nu i kak?
    - Ne udovletvoryaet.
    - Eshche odnogo.
    - Da u menya ih s sotnyu.
    - I kak?
    - Ne udovletvoryayut.
    - Togda vy fenomen.
    - YA tozhe govoryu, dajte spravku, a to vse govoryat : " B#@%%@,b#@%% !"
                        *****

Podhodit zhenshchina k dveri saraya i dergaet za subzh...
Ne otkryvaetsya dver'.
Igrayushchie v karty muzhiki sovetuyut: -Sil'nej dergajte!
ZHenshchina dergaet sil'nee. Ne otkryvaetsya proklyataya dver'!!!
Muzhiki govoryat: -Eshchya sil'nee!!!
ZHenshchina dergaet izo vseh sil, i vmeste s otorvavshejsya ruchkoj
uletaet v kanavu...
Vylezaet i bezhit k muzhikam s voplem: -Ona zh zakryta!!!!!!!
Muzhiki govoryat:- Konechno zakryta...
ZHenshchina oret: -Hrena zh vy sovetuete?????
-A my dumali, chto tebe ruchka nuzhna!!!

   Inoplanetyanin pribyl na Zemlyu i napravilsya v rabochij kollektiv
ustanavlivat' kontakt. Rabochij kollektiv kak raz otmechal poluchku zarplaty i na
poyavlenie inoplanetyanina otreagiroval spokojno.
   -- YA s Siriusa, -- zayavil inoplanetyanin, zhelaya privlech' k sebe
vnimanie.
   -- Vasya, nalej Siriusu! -- razdalsya otvet.
   Vypili. Zakusili. Inoplanetyanin reshil popravit' polozhenie:
   -- Da net, vy ne ponyali. YA -- s Siriusa!
   -- Vasya, nalej Siriusu! -- razdalsya otvet.
   Vypili. Zakusili. Inoplanetyanin, izryadno zahmelev, zapletayushchimsya yazykom
progovoril:
   -- H-net, vy ne p-ponyali... YA -- inoplanetyanin...
   -- Tak. Vasya, Siriusu bol'she ne nalivat'!

   Na zhenskij plyazh prizemlilas' "letayushchaya tarelka". Iz nee vyshli dva
inoplanetyanina v blestyashchih kostyumah. Ih okruzhili lyubopytnye devushki.
   -- Vy inoplanetyane?
   -- Da.
   -- A otkuda vy prileteli?
   -- S Al'fy Centavra.
   -- I tam u vseh est' "letayushchie tarelki"?
   -- Da, u vseh!
   -- I vse mogut priletet' k nam?
   -- Konechno.
   -- A takie kostyumy tozhe u vseh?
   -- Net, ne u vseh, tol'ko u menya i u Gogi.

   Prihodit paren' k koldunu i prosit:
   -- Sdelaj mne chlen do zemli.
   Koldun podumal, podumal i sdelal emu nogi dlinoj desyat' santimetrov.

Devushka sprashivaet svoyu zamuzhnyuyu podrugu:
-Nu kak, zamuzhem luchshe?
-Net, ne luchshe, no chashche.


    Muzhik(M) ostanavlivaet mers i govorit voditelyu(V):
(M) - Hochesh' zarabotat' 50$ ?
(V) - Hochu. CHto nado delat'?
(M) - Pod®ezzhaesh' k teatru, vidish' shikarnuyu zhenshchinu.
      Sprashivaesh' menya - "Armen Sarkisovich, ya Vam ne nuzhen?",
      "Net, ezzhaj domoj", "Togda dajte 50 baksov" i edesh' domoj.
    Pod®ezzhaet, vidit shikarnuyu zhenshchinu, ostanavlivaetsya...
(V) - Armen Sarkisovich, ya Vam ne nuzhen?
(M) - Net, ezzhaj domoj.
(V) - Togda dajte mne 500 baksov.
(M) - #8-O, Molodec, svoloch'.


        Neimovernaya ochered' v apteke, davka.
        Vletaet molodoj paren' :
         - PROPUSTITE! Tam chelovek lezhit!
        Ego propuskayut k prilavku.
         - Pachku prezervativov, pozhalujsta!..

- Dyadya Vasya, a chto takoe basnya?
- Basnya? |to kogda, k primeru, svin'ya s oslom razgovarivayut, kak my s toboj.

- Misha, ya kupila tebe globus, a on ves' v pyli.
- Ne mogu zhe ya, mama, stirat' pyl' so vsego zemnogo shara.

    Prihodit muzhik ko vachu, nu i, estestvenno, plachetsya.
    - Doktor ya tyazhko bolen, nu vse bolit (tychet sebya papal'cem so stonom)
tut boll'no i tut bol'no, i tut, i tut!!!
Vrach :
    - Baten'ka, da u vas zhe palec sloman!!!


Muzh: I ty eto nazyvaesh' shlyapkoj? YA pomru so smehu!
ZHena: Perestanesh' smeyat'sya, kogda uznaesh', skol'ko ona stoit.

                               ***

- Dorogoj, kakih zhenshchin ty predpochitaesh': umnyh ili krasivyh?
- Ni teh, ni drugih! Ty zhe znaesh', chto ya lyublyu tol'ko tebya.

                               ***

Utrom muzh sprashivaet zhenu:
- Nadeyus', Masha, ty ne podumala nichego plohogo, kogda ya vvalilsya noch'yu p'yanym i
s sinyakom pod glazom?
- Net, ne podumala, - otvechaet zhena. - Kogda ty vvalilsya, sinyaka eshche ne bylo.

                               ***

- Posovetuj, kak mne byt': zhenit'sya na bogatoj, no pozhiloj vdove, ili na
moloden'koj krasivoj devushke, no bez pridanogo, kotoruyu ya lyublyu?
- Konechno zhe na moloden'koj, ved' glavnoe - eto lyubov'. Kstati, chto eto za vdova
i gde ona zhivet?

                               ***

Muzhchina priehal v dom otdyha, priglyadel sebe moloduyu interesnuyu zhenshchinu, podoshel
k nej:
- Razreshite s vami poznakomit'sya!
- Ivan Petrovich, da my zhe s vami znakomy!
- Kogda zhe? Napomnite!
- Da u nas dachi ryadom.
- Minutochku, minutochku... Nu-ka povernites' ko mne spinoj i nagnites'... Mariya
Petrovna, golubushka, zdravstvujte!!!

                               ***

Sekretarsha vvodit v kabinet direktora molodogo cheloveka:
- Tovarishch direktor, ya privela svoego zheniha, chtoby on ubedilsya, kakoj vy staryj,
lysyj i nekrasivyj.

                               ***

Lichno mne ochen' nravitsya etot, mnogie uzhe ego znayut

ZHena sobiraetsya na kurort.
- Dorogoj, chto tebe privezti?
- CHto hochesh', sejchas vse lechat.

     Muzhik sobralsya na karnaval, naryadilsya v kostyum sobaki i poshel.
Na ulice p'yanyj zhivoder ego - hvat'! i potashchil na zhivodernyu.
    - Ty chto, muzhik, pusti! YA zhe na karnaval, god sobaki vse-taki!
    - Znayu-znayu, vse vy, sobaki, tak govorite...


-Moya doch' vyhodit zamuzh.
-Za koko-zhe?
-Za ee byvshego odnoklasnika.
-|to horosho. Takomu pozhilomu muzhchine davno pora ostepenit'sya.
                        ****

-CHto s toboj druzhishche?! Ty izcarapan, opd glazami sinyaki, odezhda porvana. Davaj ya
provozhu tebya domoj...
-YA iz doma...
                        ****
-u chtoby vy, muzhchiny, delali bez nas zhenshchin!- krichit v ssore zhena muzhu.
-Baldeli by da i tol'ko!

 - CHto skazala tebe vchera zhena, kogda ty pripolz domoj?
 - Nichego, predstav' sebe. A dva perednih zuba mne i tak pora bylo udalyat'.

 - Gde ty byl? -- sprashivaet zhena prishedshego pozdno domoj muzha.
 - YA -- ptica vol'naya, gde hochu, tam i letayu.
  Na sleduyushchij den' zhena prihodit domoj eshche pozzhe.
 - Gde ty byla? -- vozmushchaetsya muzh.
 - |to ty -- ptica vol'naya, a ya -- podnevol'naya: kak otpustili, tak i
priletela...

 TG> Mars Snikersu:
 TG>  - Poshli Baunti trahnem, govoryat - rajskoe naslazhdenie.
 TG>  - Da nu, eshche stimorol podhvatim... :(

Ne slyshal - klasno !
Derzhi eshche pro burzhujskih geroev( Izvinyayus', esli staryj -- ya pervyj raz
uslyshal):
Burzhuinstvo.132 etazh.Restoran.
U okna sidit muzhik v chernom i p'et viski.Podsazhivaetsya drugoj,vypili.
Pervyj govorit:-Tut takoj veter sil'nyj- mozhno vyprygnut' v okno i tebya nazad
zaneset.(Tut zhe vyprygivaet v okno i , poletav, zaletaet obratno).Davaj teper'
ty.Vtoroj vyprygivaet v okno i so svistom letit vniz.Podhodit barmen:
- Nu i svoloch' zhe ty ,Betmen, kogda napivaesh'sya...

       Have Fun ! Evgeny.

--- GoldED 2.41+
 * Origin: CHem dal'she v les - tem tolshche partizany (FidoNet 2:5057/4.5204)

D RU.ANEKDOT (2:5020/153.23) DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD RU.ANEKDOT D
 Msg  : 133 of 150                          K/s
 From : Michael Gusak                       2:5030/146.256  12 Jan 94  23:41:04
 To   : All                                                 16 Jan 94  13:41:48
 Subj : Anekdotec
DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
Hello All!
Vot, rasskazali posle vyshki:
 Privodyat devochku k psihiatru, on ee sprashivaet:
   - Devochka kak tebya zovut?
   - Masha.
   - A skol'ko tebe let?
   - Dvenadcat'.
   - A kakoe sejchas vremya goda?
   - Leto.
   - Masha, nu ty v snezhki segodnya igrala?
   - Da....
   - A na lyzhah katalas'?
   - Da-a-a...
   - A na kon'kah?
   - Vchera....
   - Tak kakoe zhe sejchas leto??
   - Da vot takoe hrenovoe leto.......

        V den' vyborov (zastol'nye vremena) izbiratel' poluchaet byulleten'
    i vmesto togo chtoby ne glyadya opustit' ego v urnu nachinaet vnimatel'no
    chitat'.
    - CHto vy delaete? - grozno sprashivaet nablyudatel' v shtatskom.
    - Hochu znat', za kogo ya golosuyu.
    - Da vy chto, ne znaete chto vybory tajnye?!

        Vasilij Ivanovich i Pet'ka v Ispanii. CHapaj sprashivaet:
    - CHego eto shumyat na ulice?
    - Da kakuyu-to Dolorres tam ibarruri, a ona krichit: "Luchshe stoya, chem na
kolenyah!"


- Do chego u menya umnyj pes! - hvastaetsya odin priyatel' drugomu. - V
moment shvatyvaet to, chto ya ot nego hochu. V poslednee vremya ya hotel
nauchit' ego layat', kogda emu hochetsya est'. Raz sto podryad pokazyval
emu, chto nado delat'.
- I on nauchilsya?
- Da. On teper' ni za chto ne nachinaet est', poka ya ne zalayu.


- CHtoby probudit' v svoej dochke interes k muzyke, ya kupil ej  skripku.
No uvy, eto ni k chemu ne privelo.
- To zhe samoe bylo i u menya, kogda ya podaril svoej teshche chemodan...


Strannaya, odnako, veshch' - slova. Skazhite svoej vozlyublennoj, chto  kogda
vy smotrite na ee lico, vremya dlya vas ostanavlivaetsya. I ona  nagradit
vas poceluem.  No  poprobujte ej skazat', chto  pri vide ee lica  u vas
ostanavlivayutsya chasy...


Dochka sprashivaet otca:
- Papochka, a tebya kogda-nibud' bila tvoya mamochka?
- Net, tol'ko tvoya.


Hozyain preduprezhdaet gostej:
-  Radi  boga,  gospoda,  tol'ko  ne  sadites' na etot divan! On kishit
  klopami.
- Pochemu vy ne vykinite ego?
- Probovali! Oni ego nazad prinosyat.


Na prieme u vracha:
- Madam, vashemu muzhu nuzhen absolyutnyj pokoj. YA vypishu uspokoitel'nye
  pilyuli.
- I kogda zhe mne nado budet ih emu davat'?
- Nikogda! Pejte ih sami.


Pered vzletom samoleta styuardessa  razdala vsem zhevatel'nuyu rezinku i
predupredila, chto ona  predohranyaet ot shuma  v ushah. V  konce poleta
k nej podoshla starushka i sprosila:

- Milaya, a kto teper' vytashchit mne etu dryan' iz ushej?


Posetitel', pytayushchijsya razrezat' cyplenka, govorit oficiantu:
- Pohozhe, chto eto inkubatorskij cyplenok.
- Pochemu vy tak dumaete?
- Ni odno sushchestvo, imeyushchee mat', ne moglo by stat' nastol'ko zhestkim.


Zvonit  telefon.  Trubku  podnimaet  otec  treh  docherej.  Ne uspel on
otkryt' rot, kak golos v trubke laskovo sprosil:
- |to ty, moya lyagushechka?
- Net, - otvetil otec, - govorit vladelec pruda.


 Popal konferan's'e v kompaniyu  vrachej, posideli, potrepalis'. A  chrez
pol chasa na vyhod. VYHODIT :
 -Rak matki !!! Promezhnost'. I'm sorry. Mark Fratkin . Pro nezhnost'.


 Lyubimyj s detstva anekdot.
 Pyat' stepenej iznoshennosti nosok:
 Pervaya: kogda ih podbrosish' - prilipayut k potolku.
 Vtoraya: kogda ih mozhno stavit' v ugol, kak valenki.
 Tret'ya: kogda mozhno strich' nogti, ne snimaya nosok.
 CHetvertaya: kogda mozhno myt' nogi, ne snimaya nosok.
 Pyataya:  kogda mozhno snimat' noski, ne snimaya botinok.


   Nemcy zahvatili derevnyu. Vyveli vseh na ploshchad' i
ob®yavili:
   - Sejchas my vseh zhenshchin rasstrelyaem, a muzhchin
iznasiluem.
   ZHenshchiny v golos:
   - Tak ne byvaet.
   Muzhchiny horom:
   - Byvaet, byvaet!

   Dvoih vedut na rasstrel. Odin:
   - Davaj ubezhim!
   Drugoj:
   - A huzhe ne budet?


                 Anekdot-skazka
U odnogo cheloveka isportilsya vodoprovod. Prishel k nemu  vodoprovodchik.
A y hozyaina dochka byla - krasavica. Ona vodoprovodchiku i shepnula:
   -  Budet  batya  vina  zamorskie  nalivat'  -  ne pej.  Den'gi budet
sulit' - ne beri. A prosi y nego gvozdik rzhavyj...
   Tak vodoprovodchik i  sdelal: pochinil vodoprovod,  ot vin, ot  deneg
otkazalsya, gvozdik vzyal i ushel. A hozyain dochku obnyal i govorit:
   - Molodec, Anechka! Zdorovo my ego naduli!


 II>  Vo-pervyh  ne  milicanerov,  a  majorov,  vo-vtoryh  ne shest', a
devyat' - odin stoit na stule,  chetvero derzhat za chetyre nozhki i  hodyat
po chasovoj  strelke, zakruchivaya  lampochku, a  ostal'nye chetvero  hodyat
protiv chasovoj strelki, chtoby u togo na stule ne zakruzhilas' golova  i
on upav, ne razbil kazennyj inventar'.
  Eshche chetveryh zabyl:
        - troe stoyat sledyat  chtob lampochka rovno vhodila,  a poslednij
vozle vyklyuchatelya - chtoby nikto ne vklyuchal.


  A pro voennyh v otstavke takaya vot myslya u menya prishla:
  - Izvestno chto u oficerov odna izvilina - ot furazhki, tak vot  posle
uhoda v zapas i ta razglazhivaetsya.
        (Draznilka takaya dlya nih obidnaya, ya proveryal)


Poshli Vasilij Ivanovich s Pet'koj na rybalku. Seli, udochki  zakinuli...
Ne klyuet,  odnako. CHerez  chas Pet'ke  nadoelo, reshil  on shodit' v les
gribov  poiskat'.  Hodil-hodil,  vdrug  vidit:  nebo  pochernelo, veter
pyl'nyj  podul...  Poshel  nazad  -  a  chem  blizhe k reke, tem mrachnee,
derev'ya obuglennye  stoyat...   Vyshel na  rechku -  vsya rechka  chernaya, i
sidit na beregu chernyj-chernyj Vasilij Ivanovich.  - Vasil' Ivanych,  chto
tut takoe  sluchilos'???   - Da  vot, Pet'ka...  Odin nosok ya postiral;
dumayu - vtoroj stirat' ili net?..


(iz zhizni) nedelyu nazad gololed byl.
Idet zhenshchina, vperedi  muzhik neset yachejku  yaic, povorachivaet za  ugol,
spustya nekotoroe vremya zhenshchina povorachivaet  za tot zhe ugol i  vidit u
sebya pod nogami upavshego muzhika.
- A yajca ne razbili?!
- Da net, golovu tol'ko udaril
I tut  ona vidit  muzhika s  yachejkoj yaic  ushedshego vpered.  Oboznalas',
odnako.


 MN>  1. Trudno byt' dogom.
1a. Trudno plyt' bokom.


 AK>> Urok v shkole.
 LVM> -Ivanov! Du yu spik inglish?
 LVM> -CHiiigo?
 LVM> -Sadis' 2!
 LVM> -Petrov! Du yu spik inglish?
 LVM> -Jes, of koz!
 LVM> -CHiiigo?
- Golopopenko, du yu spik inglish ?
- Du yu to duyu, til'ki  pogano :-(((( ...


 Subj : Hitryj papik (papik - eto muzhik u kotorogo mnogo $, Dm i t.d.)
Doprashivayut odnogo papika :
- Gde zhe vy milyj den'gi berete ?
- Iz tumbochki
- A v tumbochku kto ih kladet ?
- ZHena ...
- A zhene kto den'gi daet ?
- YA, otvechaet papik
- Tak otkuda zhe vy den'gi berete ?!!!!
- Kak otkuda, nevozmutimo otvechaet papik, - iz tumbochki....


  VSE DLYA STUDENTOV! VSEGDA DLYA STUDENTOV!

 Lyudoed delitsya opytom s drugim lyudoedom.
 -Vasili, NIKOGDA ne esh' studentov, slyshish' NIKOGDA!
 -Tut na dnyah iz odnogo sup varil, da tot gad vsplyl
 i vse kartoshku s®el.


(nemnogo zastojnyj)
 Ochered' v bufet.
-Mne pozhalujsta pol polovnichka supa.
-Mne pozhaljsta pol kartofeleny.
-Mne pozhalusta DVE sosiski.
Ochered' nervno zavorchala.
  .......-I vosemnadcat' (18) vilok.


 Dva studenta idut po ulice, odin uvidel broshenuyu
 bulku i davaj ee pinat'.
 Vtoroj:-CHto ty delaesh'!!
 Pervyj:-Podozhdi, sejchas dopinayu za ugol vsmeste s®edim.


Syn sprashivaet u papy - polkovnika:
 - Papa, ya kogda vyrastu budu polkovnikom ?
 - Konechno budesh', synok !
 - A generalom ?
 - Net... generalom nikak ne poluchitsya...
 - Pochemu ?
 - U generala svoi deti...


 Na mostovoj sidyat dva muzhika. Pered odnim iz nih lezhit shlyapa
 (milostinyu prosit). I vot odin iz nih govorit drugomu.
 Pervyj: Petro. Nu vot esli by ty sejchas poluchil million, A.
         Nu vot chto by ty s nim stal delat', A.
 Vtoroj hmuro, smotrya pered soboj: Otdam dolgi. :(
 Pervyj: Nu a s ostal'nymi, chto s ostal'nymi-to delat' budesh', A.
 Vtoroj, hmuro glyadya pered soboj : Ostal'nye podozhdut.


***** Popravka na sueverie *****
-  Oficiant,  moj  zavtrak  stoit  trinadcat' shillingov, a vy prinesli
schet na chetyrnadcat' !
- Vinovat,  ser, no  mne poslyshalos',  budto vy  skazali svoemu drugu,
chto ochen' sueverny, - ne rasteryalsya rastoropnyj malyj.


***** Ne ubedil *****
- Poslushajte, oficiant, vy prinesli mne omara bez odnoj kleshni. V  chem
delo ?
- Vidite li, ser, eti omary  takie svezhie, chto ne uspeli ih  dostavit'
syuda, kak oni ustroili na kuhne nastoyashchuyu draku drug s drugom...
- Togda zaberite etogo i prinesite mne pobeditelya !


***** Ravnye proporcii *****
Odin  iz  restoranov  Vostochnogo  Londona  slavilsya svoimi pirogami iz
zajchatiny dazhe togda,  kogda s zajcami  bylo tugovato. Kak-to  odin iz
zavsegdataev etogo zavedeniya sprosil vladel'ca:
-  Skazhi  pravdu,  Dzhon,  ty  dobavlyaesh'  eshche  chto-nibud'  v  pirog  s
  zajchatinoj ?
- Vidite li, ser, - neohotno  otvetil hozyain, - inogda ya, nu,  kak vam
  skazat', dobavlyayu nemnogo koniny...
- YAsno, - proiznes zavsegdataj, - i v kakom sootnoshenii ?
- Pyat'desyat na pyat'desyat, - priznalsya hozyain, - odin zayac na odnu
  loshad'...


  -- Da  vrode net...  Tol'ko vot  odin raz  Vasya, kogda ya podderzhival
emu  stremyan  ku,  nechayanno  uronil  mne  za  shivorot  kusochek zhidkogo
zheleza... Hy ya emu  pryamo skazal - ne  prav ty, Vasya, nel'zya  tak!  :)
Tam  pravda  dva  soldatika  byli  i  v konce fraza : "Ryadovoj Ivanov,
razve ty  ne vidish',  chto za  shivorot tvoego  boevogo tovarishcha  kapaet
rasplavlennoe olovo?"


 Ili  vot  zahodit  samolet  na  posadku  -  pochti sel - an posadochnaya
polosa  uzhe  konchilas'..  Ladno,  zahodyat  eshche  raz - ta zhe istoriya. V
tretij raz zaranee  snizilis', skorost' sbrosili  - seli.. Odin  pilot
drugomu:
  - YAka zh korotka posadochnaya polosa..
  - Zato yaka zh shiroka!..


 AK>          Kapustyan: Net bol'shche Abramyana, zarezal saabaku ! :-E~~
Urok. Uchitel':
- Posadil ded repku... Prodolzhaj, Gogi.
- CHerez 10 let Rebka vyshel i zarezal deda!


Stoit ochen' grustnyj muzhik u prilavka vinnogo magazina.
Podhodit drugoj:
- CHto stoish', deneg net ?
- Est' ... (prodolzhitel'nyj vzdoh)
- Mozhet, vodki net ???
- Von, smotri, tozhe est' ... (vzdoh)
- A v chem zhe delo ???
- Ne hochetsya ...


 Sidit Vovochka na uroke matematiki, mysli ego gnetut :
 -  Blin,  sovsem  dela  hrenovye...  Den'gi konchilis'...  Mashka opyat'
   podzaletela... mezhdunarodnaya obstanovka takaya vsya napryazhyannaya...
 Tut uchitel'nica :
 - Vovochka, skol'ko budet dvazhdy dva ?
 - CHetyre, dushen'ka, chetyre. Mne by vashi problemy...


Edut v  poezde v  odnom kupe  praporshchik i  student.  Nu poznakomilis',
vypili,  zakusili.  A  vypili  mnogo,  nu  a  zakusili  malo.   Nautro
prosypayutsya, student za golovu derzhitsya, stonet. Praporshchik :
- Ty chego ?
- Bashka bolit...
- Kak ona mozhet bolet' ? |to zhe kost' !


Prihodit muzhik k direktoru cirka. Govorit :
- U menya chudesteyj nomer  s krokodilom i medvedem: Krokodil  igraet na
gitare, Medved' poet pesnyu.
Direktor : Kak zhe Vam tak udalos' ih vydressirovat' ?!
Muzhik    : Nu,  chestno govorya, eto, konechno zhe, obman.  Medved' tol'ko
           rot otkryvaet, a poet tozhe krokodil.


ZHenshchina  priglasila  k  sebe  muzhchinu.  Nagotovila,  nakryla  na stol.
Posle togo, kak muzhik vse s®el i vypil, pril'nula k nemu:
   - A teper' ty moj...
   - Nu net, sama moj!


- Dyaden'ka, skushaj etu konfetku.
Spasibo, mal'chik.
- Vkusno?
- Ochen'.
- Stranno, pochemu togda i sobaka i koshka ee vse vremya vyplevyvali.

 Doktor rasskazyvaet svoim kollegam:
-  Predstav'te  sebe,  segodnya  v  tri  chasa nochi razdaetsya telefonnyj
zvonok.  Snimayu trubku, i  kakoj-to muzhchina zayavlyaet, chto umret,  esli
ya  ne  priedu.   YA  sprosil  u  pacienta  adres, no v etot moment zhena
skazala, chto zvonyat, vidimo, ej...


1) Molodozheny razoshlis' ne prozhiv sovmestno i 3-h nedel'.
   Druz'ya sprashivayut u muzha - Iz-za chego ?! Ona molodaya, krasivaya,
   temperamentnaya ?!
   - Vse  ochen' prosto  , otvechaet,  Ona sovershenno  ne byla  gotova k
sovmestnoj zhizni - kazhdoe utro  kogda ya prinimal vannu ona  vhodila ko
mne i topila VSE moi korabliki !


2) P'er zvonit lyubovniku svoej zheny:
   - ZHan , moya zhena rodila dvojnyu !
   - O! Pozdravlyayu P'er !
   - Zachem mne tvoi pozdravleniya ? YA svoego zabral, teper' ty priezzhaj
     zabiraj svoego...

3) Mishel' ! Tvoya zhena nam izmenyaet !!!?


   Predlagayu Vashemu vnimaniyu eshche odnu raznovidnost' interesuyushchih
   menya anekdotov.

 Poehal odin muzhik v  inostrannuyu komandirovku. Stroitelem. V  Turciyu.
Vot  stroet  on  stroet  i  vidit  vdrug  devushku  krasivuyu-krasivuyu !
Brosil on vse i za nej pobezhal.  Ona so strojki i on so strojki.   Ona
po ulice i on po ulice. Ona v pereulok i on v pereulok. Ona v  pod'ezd
i on v pod'ezd. Ona na sed'moj etazh i on na sed'moj etazh.  Ona  dver'yu
hlopnula  --  zapisku  ostavila.  Podobral  muzhik  zapisku  i - delat'
nechego - poshel obratno. A chitat'  po turecki-to on i ne umel.   Prishel
on na rabotu i govorit  svoemu tureckomu kollege chtoby on  prochel emu,
chto v zapiske napisano. Tot prochel i govorit : "Nu davaj  rasskazyvaj,
kak vse bylo ." Nu muzhik i rasskazyvaet :

 -Vot stroyu ya stroyu i vdrug  devushka -  krasivaya-krasivaya !   Brosil ya
vse i za nej pobezhal. Ona so strojki  i ya so strojki.  Ona po ulice  i
ya  po  ulice.  Ona  v  pereulok  i  ya  v pereulok. Ona v pod'ezd i ya v
pod'ezd.  Ona  na  sed'moj  etazh  i  ya  na  sed'moj  etazh.  Ona dver'yu
hlopnula -- zapisku ostavila.

 Vyslushal ego turok i govorit - hot'  ubej ne skazhu !!!  Nu muzhik  ego
ugovarival - ulamyval - nikak ne govorit. Nu poshel on togda k  prorabu
i emu dal zapisku prochest'. Prorab  prochel i tozhe govorit:  "Nu  davaj
rasskazyvaj, gad, kak vse bylo ?" Nu muzhik i govorit :

 -Nu stroyu ya stroyu  i vdrug devushka -   krasivaya-krasivaya !  Brosil  ya
vse i za nej pobezhal. Ona so strojki  i ya so strojki.  Ona po ulice  i
ya  po  ulice.  Ona  v  pereulok  i  ya  v pereulok. Ona v pod'ezd i ya v
pod'ezd.  Ona  na  sed'moj  etazh  i  ya  na  sed'moj  etazh.  Ona dver'yu
hlopnula -- zapisku ostavila.  Vot eta zapiska !

 -Da tebya,  gada, teper'  k chertu  - na  rodinu ushlem  za takie dela !
Krichit  prorab  i  zapiskoj  u  nego  pered  nosom  razmahivaet. A chto
napisano - ne govorit.

 Nu  delat'  nechego-poshel  muzhik   sobirat'sya.  Sobralsya  i  reshil   v
poslednij  raz  uznat'  -  v  posol'stvo  shodit'.  Prishel  on  tuda i
sprashivaet  u  perevodchika  -  "CHto  zhe  takoe  v zapiske napisano !?"
Prochel perevodchik i  ves' pobelel pryam.  " Ni za  chto ne skazhu  ! Hot'
ubej !"  Nu muzhik  ego ulamyval  ulamyval -  nikak !  Potom perevodchik
govorit "Rasskazhi kak vse bylo -- mozhet togda perevedu !" Nu muzhik  iz
poslednih sil uzhe derzhitsya i rasskazyvaet :

 -Nu stroyu ya stroyu  i vdrug devushka -   krasivaya-krasivaya !  Brosil  ya
vse i za nej pobezhal. Ona so strojki  i ya so strojki.  Ona po ulice  i
ya  po  ulice.  Ona  v  pereulok  i  ya  v pereulok. Ona v pod'ezd i ya v
pod'ezd.  Ona  na  sed'moj  etazh  i  ya  na  sed'moj  etazh.  Ona dver'yu
hlopnula -- zapisku ostavila.

 "NEEET !!! - Krichit  perevodchik - NE SKAZHU  !!!" Ne vyderzhal muzhik  i
govorit  -  "Ub'yu  esli  ne   skazhesh'  !!!"  "Ubivaj  !!!"  -   krichit
perevodchik.  Nu  ubil  ego  muzhik,  v  obshchem.   Priletel on na rodinu.
Prishel  domoj.  I   govorit  zhene  -   a  ona  u   nego  v   institute
vostokovedeniya  rabotala  -  "Dorogaya,  perevedi  mne, pozhalujsta, etu
zapisku" I zapisku ej podaet. Ona prochla ee i tozhe govorit emu

 -Nu, dorogoj, ya  tebya davno znayu,  tak chto ne  bojsya, rasskazyvaj vse
snachala !" Nu muzhik obnyal ee i rasskazyvaet:

 -Nu stroyu ya stroyu  i vdrug devushka -   krasivaya-krasivaya !  Brosil  ya
vse i za nej pobezhal. Ona so strojki  i ya so strojki.  Ona po ulice  i
ya po  ulice.   Ona v  pereulok i  ya v  pereulok. Ona  v pod'ezd  i ya v
pod'ezd.   Ona  na  sed'moj  etazh  i  ya  na  sed'moj etazh.  Ona dver'yu
hlopnula -- zapisku ostavila.

 "Ponyatno ..."- govorit zhena, "Nu  davaj sejchas spat', a zavtra  utrom
ya tebe  vse i  rasskazhu".   Utrom muzhik  vstaet -  ni zheny ni zapiski.
Tak on i ne uznal, chto v nej bylo napisano...


Vo vremena malyh cen.
- Vovochka, kem rabotaet tvoj papa ?
- Transformatorom.
- 8-0
- 380 poluchaet, 220 otdaet, na ostal'noe gudit ...


[Hrumm-nyam hrumm
Hru-hru.....Ik..Ik.Hrumm]


- Skol'ko budet 2h2 ?
- Ne znayu.
- Babah! (<-eto gryanul vystrel iz pistoleta) Ne lyublyu durakov !

- Skol'ko budet 2h2 ?
- A tebe kakoe delo ?
- Babah. Ne lyublyu grubiyanov !

- Skol'ko budet 2h2 ?
- A skol'ko nado ?
- Babah. Ne lyublyu podhalimov !

- Skol'ko budet 2h2 ?
- Babah. Ne lyublyu lyubopytnyh !


   Prihodit  intelligent  v  apteku.  Brodit,  brodit  ot  prilavka  k
prilavku... Nakonec, narod chut' rassosalsya  - on shast' k prodavshchice  i
polushepotom:
   - Devushka... U vas est'... Hy vy ponimaete...
   Ta v polnyj golos:
   - CHavo?
   - Hy eti... sredstva...
   - Prezervativy, chto li?
   - Tishe, tishe! Da, prezervativy...
   - (v glubinu pomeshcheniya) Lyusya! U nas prezervativy eshche ostalis'?  Tut
muzhik kakoj-to sprashivaet!
   - (ottuda) Da est' eshche! A skol'ko emu?
   - Muzhik, tebe skol'ko prezervativov nado?
   - Oj, tishe, pozhalujsta... Desyat' shtuchek...
   - Ty chto, impotent, chto li? Kakoj zhe muzhik po desyat'  prezervativov
beret? Tut vse po sotne pokupayut! Ladno, plati v kassu rubl'.
   - (muzhik kassirshe) Pozhalujsta, odin rubl'...
   -  CHto  beresh'?  Prezervativy,   chto  li?  S  lyubovnicej,   znachit,
trahat'sya budesh'!
   - Oj, nu chto vy... Tol'ko s zhenoj...
   -  Ladno,  vot  tebe  chek  -  idi  beri svoi rezinki...  Muzhik vzyal
upakovku, doshel do dveri, ochki popravil i vo ves' golos:
   -  Da!!!   YA  kupil   PREZERVATIVY!!!  YA   budu  TRAHATXSYA!!!     S
LYUBOVNICEJ!!! CHto - s®eli?!!!


  - Ty kogda-nibud' videla glaza muzha vo vremya
mineta?
  - O da! YA delala minet, i tut voshel muzh...


  - Papa mne vsegda govoril: ne hodi po zlachnym
mestam - tam takoe mozhno uvidet'...
  - A ty hodil?
  - Hodil.
  - I chto zhe ty tam uvidel?
  - Papu.


 Na  mostovoj  sidyat   dva  muzhika.  Prosyat   milostynyu.  U odnogo  na
shee  plakat:     "Podajte   na   propitanie   invalidu   vojny!",    u
vtorogo   - "Pomogite bednomu evreyu!".
 Lyudi prohodya,  i,   prochitav oba  plakata,   zlo glyadya  na   vtorogo,
kidayut  den'gi    pervomu   nishchemu.    Odin    serdobol'nyj   starichok
pronablyudav, kak  lyudi   prezritel'no   obhodyat   storonoj    vtorogo,
podoshel  k  nemu   i posovetoval:
- Ty  hot' by  plakat smenil,  kto zhe  poverit, chto  sushchestvuyut bednye
evrei.  Ved' ne podast nikto...
 Nishchij povorachivaetsya k svoemu kollege i govorit - - Glyan', Mojsha, eshche
odin fraer prishel uchit' nas kommercii!


V  sel'skom  klube  prem'era   spektaklya  na  temu  partizan   Velikoj
Otechestvennoj.  Sobralas' vsya  znat', a zvukotehnik napilsya  i propal.
Fashist vzvodit  ruzh'e na  partizanku. Spuskaet  kurok, i  Tishina...  A
sufler podskazyvaet - "Bej prikladom"



Urok v shkole.
Uchitel'    -  Gocha, skol'ko budet 2h2 ?
Gocha       -  Naverna shchest.
Uchitel'    -  Da, tak, sem - vosem.


Molodomu vrachu, tol'ko chto zhenivshemusya, zvonyat druz'ya i zovut na pul'ku.
 - CHto, takoj tyazhelyj sluchaj? -- sprashivaet zhena, vidya, kak on toroplivo
odevaetsya...
 - Da. Tri vracha uzhe tam...


Umiraet staryj Petrov. Otkryvaet glaza i shepchet: Petya, ty zdes'?
-Zdes'.
- Ty znaesh', eto ved' ya zalozhil tebya v 37om...
- YA proshchayu tebya...
- Kolya, ty zdes'?
- Zdes'.
- |to ved' ya zalozhil tebya v 51om...
- YA tebya proshchayu...
- Misha, ty zdes'?
- Zdes'...
- |to ved' ya pisal anonimki tebe na rabotu...
- YA tebya proshchayu...
- Druz'ya moi, poslednyaya pros'ba k  vam - kogda ya umru -  pomochites' na
moj trup - ved' ya takaya gnida, chto sam sebe protiven...
- Kak my mozhem?!!!
- |to moya poslednyaya pros'ba...
Umer. Volya usopshego - vse obstupili grob i mochatsya na eshche ne  ostyvshij
trup.  Vnezapno raspahivaetsya dver'. Vhodyat menty.

-  K  nam  postupil  signal  ot  gr. Petrova, chto zdes' izdevayutsya nad
usopshim...

Bezhit myshka-norushka po krayu propasti:
-Pi-pi-pi, pi-pi-pi... O-o-o-AAAAAAAAA!!!!!

- Do chego u menya umnyj pes! - hvastaetsya odin priyatel' drugomu. - V moment
shvatyvaet to, chto ya ot nego hochu. V poslednee vremya ya hotel nauchit' ego layat',
kogda emu hochetsya est'. Raz sto podryad pokazyval emu, chto nado delat'.
- I on nauchilsya?
- Da. On teper' ni za chto ne nachinaet est', poka ya ne zalayu.


Dochka sprashivaet otca:
- Papochka, a tebya kogda-nibud' bila tvoya mamochka?
- Net, tol'ko tvoya.

Zvonit telefon. Trubku podnimaet otec treh docherej. Ne uspel on otkryt' rot, kak
golos v trubke laskovo sprosil:
- |to ty, moya lyagushechka?
- Net, - otvetil otec, - govorit vladelec pruda.



   U odnogo cheloveka isportilsya vodoprovod. Prishel
k nemu vodoprovodchik. A y hozyaina dochka byla -
krasavica. Ona vodoprovodchiku i shepnula:
   - Budet batya vina zamorskie nalivat' - ne pej.
Den'gi budet sulit' - ne beri. A prosi y nego
gvozdik rzhavyj...
   Tak vodoprovodchik i sdelal: pochinil vodoprovod,
ot vin, ot deneg otkazalsya, gvozdik vzyal i ushel.
A hozyain dochku obnyal i govorit:
   - Molodec, Anechka! Zdorovo my ego naduli!



#1 Pod®ehav k perekrestku na svoem "Pezho", Bridzhit propuskaet zelenyj svet
svetofora, potom krasnyj, snova zelenyj i eshche raz krasnyj. K nej podhodit
policejskij i galantno osvedomlyaetsya: - Mademuazel' predpochitaet kakoj-to drugoj
cvet ?

#2 Tereza vrezaetsya v ostanovivshuyusya pered nej mashinu. Vyskochiv iz svoego
"YAguara", ona vozmushchenno krichit: - Da chto eto so vsemi proishodit ? Bud'te
vnimatel'nee ! S utra eto uzhe pyataya mashina, v kotoruyu ya vrezayus'...

#8 Po shosse mchitsya noven'kaya mashina. Odna ruka Dominika na rule, drugaya nezhno
obnimaet plechi horoshen'koj passazhirki. Avtoinspektor ostanavlivaet mashinu i
delaet zamechanie. - Vy pochemu ne pol'zuetes' dvumya rukami, kak i vse ostal'nye ?
- Vy pravy, inspektor, tak, konechno, luchshe, no kak ya budu vesti mashinu ?

DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

Mikel

--- GoldED 2.42 beta, unregistered
 * Origin: YA vsyu zhizn' ne shodil s uma. Mne eto nadoelo :-! (2:5020/35.1)

D HUMOR.FILTERED (2:5020/153.23) DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD HUMOR.FILTERED D
 Msg  : 82 of 82                            K/s
 From : Michael Bravo                       2:5030/0        08 Feb 94  15:47:48
 To   : All                                                 09 Feb 94  07:27:34
 Subj : nostal'giya, hakery i .niks
DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
Hello All!

Author   : Russell Street 

VAX Raphosdy
------------
Is this the real login:?
Is it a trap?
Caught on a terminal
No escape from the committee


Open your mail
Look up to the skies
And see...

I'm just a poor hacker,
I need no sympathy
Because I'm easy come, easy go
Little high, little low

Hit me where the wind blows,
Doesn't really matter to me, to me


Momma, just killed a VAX
Type a command into the shell,
Hit RETURN, now it's dead
Momma, my account had just begun
And now I've gone and thrown it all away
Momma, didn't mean to make you crash
If I'm not back on this time tomorrow
Hack on, hack on as if nothing really matters


Too late -- my time has come
Sent shivers down my spine
Bodies aching all the time
Goodbye everybody, I've got to go
Got to leave you all behind and face the truth

Momma, (every way the wind blows)
I don't wanna kicked off,
I sometimes wish I'd never logged on at all


UNIX* [To the tune of _Money_ by Pink Floyd]
----

UNIX, it's a gas;
grab that VAX with
both hands and
make it crash.

UNIX, it's a hit;
Don't give me that
PC DOS Bullshit.

I'm into well benchmarked
POSIX Open Systems
I think I need a RISC chip.

UNIX, jmp back;
I'm all niced now
pop your frame off of
my stack.

---
*UNIX is a trademark of AT&T


 UNIX Man  (to The Beatles' "Nowhere Man")
 --------

 He's a real UNIX Man
 Sitting in his UNIX LAN
 Making all his UNIX .plans
 For nobody

 Knows the blocksize from 'du'
 Cares not where /dev/null goes to
 Isn't he a bit like you
 And me?

 UNIX Man, don't worry
 It's the tube that's blurry
 UNIX Man
 The new kernel boots, just like you had planned

 He's as wise as he can be
 Programs in lex, yacc and C
 UNIX Man, can you help me
 At all?

 UNIX Man, please listen
 My printout is missin'
 UNIX Man
 The wo-o-o-orld is your 'at' command


Title    : The Alternative Wall
Original : The Wall
Group    : Pink Floyd
Author   : ?
Intro    : Here's a set of pseudosongs which is the
           result of several long
           drunken nights talking on a bulletin board
           between London &
           Aberystwyth (220+ miles apart)... circa 1988.
Song     :

                          The Alternative Wall:-

 Established by:-   Anarchy, Atropos, White,
               Roadrunner>>>++>>, & Giant Hogweed.

Nobody On
---------

I got keyboard corns on my fingers,
I got a Ethernet Pad for a brain,
I got a VDU to prop up my mortal remains.

My programs always fail,
I got a strong urge to MAIL
But I got no-one to MAIL to,
MAIL to,
MAIL to..

Oh, babe, when I send down the phone,
There's still nobody on...

                      The Alternative Wall, Part Two.

Does anybody here remember DEC?
Remember how the manual
Was useless to me
In every way.

UNIX, what has become of you?
Can any other O/S be quite as slow as you...

                     The Alternative Wall, Part Three.

The Trial
---------

Good Morning, ROOT, your honour,
The dump will plainly show the user who now stands before
you
Was caught red-handed in the system
Crudely hacking in a truly vicious nature
This will not do!
CALL THE LOGFILE!

"I always said he'd come to no good didn't I, ROOT, your
honour,
If they let me have my way I'd have him banned from the
VAX!
But my hands were tied,
The bleeding hearts and artists
Not to mention the Dave Prices
Wouldn't let me throw him off!"

-- Dedicated to Atropos The Wanderer.

                        The Alternative Wall, Part Four.

The UNIX Login Software
-----------------------

Is there anybody out there?

(repeat ad nauseam)

                        The Alternative Wall, Part Five.

One of My Hacks
---------------
Log onto the system
On that lurid green screen
You'll find there's no response!

Don't look so frightened,
this is just a passing crash,
One of my bad hacks!

Would you like to watch TV,
Well, that's no use to me
I want to watch you squirm
As you try to get logged on!

Do you want to call the OPS,
Do you think it's time I stopped?
Why are you running away?

                       The Alternative Wall, Part Six.

Filled Up Spaces / What Shall We Do Now?
----------------------------------------

What shall we use to trash
The filled up spaces on the archive tape?

How should I hack and leave no traces,
How shall the system completely fall?

                      The Alternative Wall, Part Seven.

Uncomfortably Numb
------------------
Hello, is there anybody on here?
I'm here but can you see me?
Is there anyone at home?
C'mon now, I hear that MIST is down,
I can ease the pain, maybe bring it up again.

Relax, I need some information first,
Just the basic facts, have you hacked the system Snurt?

There is no shell, your call is clearing,
The distant chips smoke on the breadboard,
You are only coming through off pads,
Your fingers move but I can't see what you're typing.

When I was a child I caught a virus,
My filebase swelled just like two balloons
Now I've got that feeling once again,
I can't explai(core dumped), you would not understand,
This is not how I am.
I have become uncomfortably numb.

                      The Alternative Wall, Part Eight.

In a Flash
----------
So ya
Thought ya
Might like to
Go to the show
To feel the thrill of board hacking,
That luminescent glow.

I've got some bad news for you, sunshine
OPS not around, 'cos Node 5 is down,
And they sent us along, they've gone to the bar,
And we're going to find out who you guys
Really are.

Have we got any oppos on the system tonight?
Grep 'em up against the wall.
There's one on Bullet,
He don't look right to me,
Grep him up agaist the wall.
That one's called Badger,
And that one's Tyrone,
Who let all this riffraff on their own;
There's one smoking a joint and
Another with sandals?
If I had my way
I'd have all of you shot.


Waiting for the Sun   (by Jamie Mason, to the Doors tune of the same name)
-------------------

At first flash of daylight,
We're still hacking in C.
Sitting there
Bashing one last Bug

Waiting for the Sun,
Waiting for the Sun,
Waiting for the Sun.

Can't you feel it,
Now that work is due,
That it's time to
Fight for some CPU

Waiting for the Sun,
Waiting for the Sun,
Waiting for the Sun.

Waiting   for   the   Sun.

Waiting...   Waiting...   Waiting...   Waiting...
Waiting...   Waiting...   Waiting...   Waiting...

Waiting for Make is
Such a bore.
Waiting for a.out to
Stop dumping core...
Waiting for some cycles
All day long.
Waiting for adb to tell me what went wrong.

This is the strangest
Bug I've ever   known.

Can't you feel it,
Now that work is due,
That it's time to fight
For some CPU

Waiting for the Sun,
Waiting for the Sun,
Waiting for the Sun.

Waiting   for   the   Sun.



Gateway To Heaven

There's a lady who knows
All the systems and nodes
And she's byteing a Gateway to Heaven
She telnets there, she knows
All the ports have been closed
With a nerd she can get
Files she came for

Woohoohoo
Woo Hoo Hoo HooHoo
And she's byteing a Gateway to Heaven
There's an motd
But she wants to be sure
Cos she knows sometimes hosts have
Two domains
In a path by the NIC
There's a burdvax that pings
Sometimes all of our flames
are cross-posted

Woohoohoo
Woo Hoo Hoo HooHoo
And she's byteing a Gateway to Heaven
And it's processed by root
Unix Labs will reboot
NCR will then listen to reason
And a prompt will respawn
For those yet to logon
And the networks will echo much faster

Woohoohoo
Woo Hoo Hoo HooHoo
And she's byteing a Gateway to Heaven
If there's a lookup in your netstat
don't be .alarmed now
it's just a pinging from the link queen
Yes there are two routes you can type in
but in the long run
there's still time to change the net you're on
(I hope so!)

And as we find stuff to download
We ftp and we chmod
There was a sysadm we know
Who changed the server to her own
She had root privs and she used chown
She hacked out on the DDN
And if you tail her stdin
Then you will find what you had lost
And get it back with cpio
To be a hack and not to scroll...

And she's byteing a Gateway to Heaven





  In the RAM
  where I was forked,
  lived a ROM,
  who sailed the C...

  And he told,
  me of his life,
  in the Berkeley,
  4.3...

  We all live in the Berkeley 4.3,
  Berkeley 4.3, Berkeley 4.3.
  We all live in the Berkeley 4.3,
  Berkeley 4.3, Berkeley 4.3.

    ((c) White the Wizard productions Ltd, 1987)



    Cycles For Nothing


(i want my
 i want my
 i want my X-MP!)

Now look at them yo-yo's that's
 the way you do it
You run the fortran on the X-MP
That ain't hackin' that's the way
 you do it
Cycles for nothin', gigabits for free
Now that ain't hackin' that's the way
 you do it
Lemme tell ya them guys ain't dumb
Maybe Monte Carlo on a three-quark
 system
Maybe design a little neutron bomb

 We gotta install microwave uplinks
 Custom fuzzballs for everyone
 We gotta link up DDS circuits
 BERT and loopback tests to run

See the kid professor with the blue
 jeans and the necktie
Yeah buddy that's his own hair
That kid professor got his Nobel
 prize now
That kid professor he's a millionaire

 We gotta install microwave uplinks
 Custom fuzzballs for everyone
 We gotta link up DDS circuits
 BERT and loopback tests to run

I shoulda stuck to writing in fortran
I shoulda kept that old 029
Look at that output, he got it stacked
 up to the ceilin'
I bet he ain't read one line
And in there, what's that?
 A hundred postdocs?
Bangin' on the keyboards like some
 chimpanzees
That ain't hackin' that's the way you
 do it
Cycles for nothin', gigabits for free

 We gotta install microwave uplinks
 Custom fuzzballs for everyone
 We gotta link up DDS circuits
 BERT and loopback tests to run


  by Matt Crawford



    Software for Nothing

                          ====================
                          by: Brent CJ Britton

With appoligies to Mark Knopfler.


I waaaant my.. I waaaant my... I waaaant my C-R-T......

Now look at them hackers,
That's the way ya' do it.
Ya' play with mem'ry that you cannot see.
Now that ain't workin, that's the way ya do it.
Get your software for nothing and your chips for free.

Now that ain't workin, gotta CPU-it.
Let me tell ya, them guys ain't dumb.
Maybe crash the system with your little finger,
Maybe crash the system with your thumb.

    We got to install micro-data-bases,
    Gotta make things run like a breeeeze.
    We gotta help these foreign students,
    We gotta help these mindless E.E.'s...

The little Hacker with the Pepsi and the Munchos:
Yeah, buddy, don't like to SHARE...
The little Hacker got his own compiler,
The little guy don't change his underwear.

    We got to install the latest debugger,
    Under budget, and optimiiiiiiized.
    We got to have more muddy-black coffee,
    We got a green glow in our eyyyyyyes...

I shoulda' learned to play with Pascal.
I shoulda' learned to program some.
Look at that drive, I'm gonna stick it on the channel,
Man, it's better than the old one...

And who's up there, what's that?  Beeping noises?
He's bangin on the keyboard like a chimpanze.
Oh that aint workin, that's the way ya do it,
Get your software for nothin', get your chips for free.



    Tap my wire                  (the more's)


You know that I would be untrue
You know that I would be a 'foo'
If I was to say to you
We couldn't hack ourselves to root

Come on hackers tap a wire
Come on hackers tap a wire
Try to set the mode-bits higher

The time to sit and watch is gone
No time to linger in the shell
Try to make crack-programs run
Yes we will make the tty's bell

Come on hackers tap a wire
Come on hackers tap a wire
Try to set the mode-bits higher



    SLOVARX OBA-NA


OBA-NArigen - osnovatel' kluba.
OBA-NAt - fanat kluba.
OBA-Nistka - fanatka kluba, podruga OBA-NAta.
OBA-NAman - kajfuyushchij ot "OBA-Ny".
OBA-NAshist - "ottopyrennyj" ot kluba.
OBA-NA-mat' - zhena OBA-NA-otca.
OBA-NAsik - ih syn.
OBA-Nist - vzroslyj OBA-NAsik.
OBA-Nytik - plachushchij bol'shevik.
OBA-NAshka - obayashka, dushka.
OBA-NAlit - pamyatnik geroyam OBA-Ny.
OBA-Nizm - period, nastupayushchij posle socializma.
OBA-NArij - gegemon epohi OBA-Nizma.
OBA-NAzit  - parazit, parazitiruyushchij na "OBA-Ne".
OBA-Nit - mineral.
OBA-Noid - obanal'noe yavlenie, t.e. yavlenie OBA-Ny lyudyam.
OBA-NArik - "zanykannyj" chervonec.
OBA-NAglevshij - ochen' naglyj chelovek.
OBA-Nisovka - nastojka.
OBA-NAsh - zemlyak.
OBA-Nut' - obmanut'.
OBA-Net - rvanet, vzorvetsya.
OBA-NAzhit' - razdet'.
OBA-NAdezhit' - navrat'.
OBA-Nuha - chernuha v kletochku.
OBA-Nyatel'nyj - horoshij chelovek.
Bez OBA-NA v golove - plohoj chelovek.
OBA-Nirovannyj kanal.
OBA-Nentnyj yashchik.
OBA-NAroduemyj ukaz.
OBA-NAlichennye den'gi.
OBA-NAsivshijsya pidzhak.


    CITATNIK OBA-NA


"OBA-Nizok - ne vysok" (inarodnaya poslovica)
"Sluh OBA-NAs proshel po vsej Rusi Velikoj" (byl')
"Ne vse OBA-NA, chto blestit" (mudrost')
"Prizrak OBA-Nizma brodit po Evrope" (detskaya strashilka)
"OBA-NA - eto zvuchit gordo" (M.Gor'kij)
"OBA-NA - eto zvuchit gor'ko" (M.Gordyj)


    PRIZYVY OBA-NA


Smotri v OBA-NA !
|j, vy! Poshli vy OBA NA !
OBA-NArii vseh stran, soedinyajtes' !
Vpered, k OBA-Nizacii vsej strany !
OBA-Nizm pobedit !


    Origins


 $ Origin: Data error read drive A: Abort, Retry or what?_ (2:5020/26)
 $ Origin: CHto eto zhuzhzhit vse vremya? A eto zashchita v programme! (2:5020/26)
 $ Origin: Idite vy vse tuda, kuda vy podumali! (2:5020/26)
 $ Origin: Podumav, kurica otlozhila yajco. (2:5020/26)
 $ Origin: Vse my tut iz vtoroj zony... (2:5020/26)
-=- Tri minusa
 $ Origin: <-bukvy             cifry-> (2:5020/26)
 $ Origin: Nu, skazal vsemogushchij, zaebis'! I vse zaeblos'... (2:5020/26)
-=- A menya GolDed cvetom vydelyaet!
 $ Origin: Nashel, chem udivit', fuflo cvetastoe! (2:5020/26)
-=- Oridzhin - tot zhe tearlajn, tol'ko tupee.
 $ Origin: Da kuda uzh tupee-to... (2:5020/26)
-=- Oridzhin-to, glupee tearlajna!
 $ Origin: Zato dlinnee... (2:5020/26)
-=- A oridzhin tupoj, kak vsegda...
 $ Origin: Nu uzh ne tupej tearlajna! (2:5020/26)
-=- .             tuda-=->
 $ Origin:    <-=-syuda          (2:5020/26)
-=- $ Origin:
 $ Origin: Vyrashchivat' svinej metodom naimen'shih kvadratov glupo (2:5020/26)
-=- .         Politika - nash dom rodnoj...
 $ Origin:   ...s dyryavoj kryshej, i koptyashcheyu truboj.   (2:5020/26)
 $ Origin: Enter new byte lenght [7..9]? _             (2:5020/26)


 R>> Ty eshche rasskazhi kuda rastut adresa pamyati. Vverh ili vniz? (Podskazka:
 R>> ob etom znaet tol'ko Silicon Dragon :)
 BP> A v chem, sobssno, vopros? Davno izvestno i eksperimental'no podtverzhdeno,
 BP> chto adresa pamyati rastut sverhu vniz i sprava nalevo.

Eshche 2 goda nazad mne ne davala pokoya mysl' - a kak zhe byt' s zakonom vsemirnogo
tyagoteniya? Ved' bajtiki po etomu zakonu dolzhny ottalkivat'sya drug ot druga i
sledovatel'no adresa pamyati dolzhny rasti ot centra k krayam i sootvetstvenno ot
4-5 bita v bajte - k 1-omu i 8-omu! T.e. pamyat' dolzhna predstavlyat' soboj etakuyu
voronku, tol'ko adresa pamyati rastut ne vglub' voronki, a ot ee centra k krayam.
Vot takaya vot myslya.


    National Condom Week


                                 Slogans

     Cover your stump before you hump.
     Before you attack her, wrap your whacker.
     Don't be a loner, cover that boner.
     You can't go wrong if you shield your dong.
     If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it.
     It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter.
     You won't get sick if you wrap your dick.
     If you go into heat, package your meat.
     If you take off her skirt and blouse, wrap that trouser mouse.
     Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool.
     Don't be in such a jiffy, cover your stiffy.
     AIDS is no joke, be sure to wrap before you poke.
     Even though you're tired and sleepy, take the time to wrap your pee-pee.
     You know you shouldy wear a condom on that woody.


    Nekotorye vyderzhki iz perepiski s chitatelyami gazet.


   - Bryuk ya ne snimayu, t.k. v plat'e vyglyazhu, kak izbushka na kur'ih
   nozhkah.
   - U menya otrezali prava, dannye mne konstituciej.
   - YA zhivu huzhe, chem dyadya Tom v svoej hizhine.
   - Vy zashchitnik semej, v kotoryh deti poyavilis' ne po prirode, a po
   bede.
   - ZHizn' daetsya cheloveku tol'ko raz, da i to sluchajno.
   - Splyu vniz golovoj iz-za perekosa pola.
   - Skazhite spasibo, chto do platonicheskoj lyubvi dodumalsya Platon, a
   ne Adam.
   - YA pones telesnoe nakazanie - menya ostrigli.
   - Iz moej sem'i tol'ko moj chlen trudosposoben.
   - Proshu imenem zakona o devushkah vyvedennyh iz stroya cherez
   obmanutuyu chest', lishit' ego zvaniya oficera.
    - Ot zheny okkupacionnyh vojsk, Ivanovoj.
    - On rugaet menya ne cenzurnymi slovami polovogo naznacheniya.
    - Proshu vernut' mne muzha v pervobytnoe sostoyanie.
    - YA imeyu na izhdivenii rebenka i korovu, i tem ne menee u menya
    berut moloko.
    - Ot sil'nogo rastrojstva ya lezhal v postel'nyh prinadlezhnostyah.
    - Pod krovat'yu lezhal trup i eshche dyshal, ryadom na polu lezhala
    trupova zhena i plakala, brat lezhal v sosednej komnate bez
    soznaniya.
    - Nikakogo iznasilovaniya mezhdu nami ne bylo, pravad on govoril,
    chto vse bylo v ekstaze, a ya pomnyu - v sarae.
    - Gr. T. vorvalsya v zhenskoe obshchezhitie i hvatalsya za nedozvolennye
    mesta.
    - U zavmaga zadnij prohod byl zavalen yashchikami.


Last-modified: Fri, 26 Nov 1999 06:34:03 GMT

Ocenite etot tekst: