Esli vdrug otkrylsya lyuk -- ne pugajsya, eto glyuk !
(Fol'klor voditelej moskovskih rejsovyh avtobusov.)
...V eto utro mne snilsya Modest Matveevich Kamnoedov. Budto on
stal zaveduyushchim vychislitel'nym centrom i uchit menya rabotat' na
"Aldane". "Modest Matveevich, govoril ya emu,- ved' vse, chto vy
mne sovetuete - eto kakoj-to boleznennyj bred". A on oral: "Vy
mne eto pr-r-r-ekratite! U vas tut vse dr-r-r-ebeden'!
Beli-ber-r-da!" (Strugackie, "Ponedel'nik ...")
...Dezhurstvo po uchrezhdeniyu vo vremya prazdnikov - zanyatie
otvetstvennoe. |to vam ne knopki nazhimat'. (Tam zhe).
---------------------------------------------------------------
Slovar' kom'yuternogo slenga mozhno najti zdes'
[1/40, kosoj, shirokij] - tipichnaya konfiguraciya komp'yutera.
[420-aya model'] - 386 processor, 4Mb OZU, 120Mb vinchester.
schitalo - processor;
zapominalo - OZU;
krutilo - diskovod;
zhevalo - u-vo vvoda s perfokart;
pristavalo - programmist;
morgalo-pishchalo - modem
katalo - myshka
toptalo - klava
brenchalo - matrichnyj printer
pisalo - lazernyj printer
glyadelo - monitor
tormozilo - AT 286
chudilo - UPS
stoyalo - korpus tower
upalo - korpus decktop
glyukalo - sistema v celom
[any key] - vyklyuchatel' pitaniya.
[Can't open] (var. [Invalid request]) - po nablyudeniyam -- lyubimyj otvet vseh
bez isklyucheniya programm, a takzhe programmistov na predlozhenie sdelat'
chto-nibud', chego emu ne hochetsya.
[divide overflow] - obychnoe sostoyanie programmy ili cheloveka, kogda on (ili
ona) ne v sostoyanii vosprinimat' dal'nejshuyu informaciyu.
[PC s kosymi flopami] - personalka, osnashchennaya 3,5" i 5,25" flopami(sm.).
[system halted] - otkaz ot dal'nejshih dejstvij. Posle slov "System halted"
chelovek obychno zasypaet. Mozhno dobavlyat' speredi slova "divide
overflow"(sm.), rabotayushchie na Big Blue's IBM RS mogut dobavlyat' "nou
rom basik".
[WISIFIG] - smotrish' v knigu, vidish' figu.
ADN Any day now
AFAIK As Far As I Know
AMF Goodbye (Adios Mutha-...... )
AWGTHTGTTA? Are We Going To Have To Go Through This Again?
BBS Bulletin Board System
* BCNU Be Seein" You
BTW By The Way
CU See You
CUL See You Later
DIIK Damned if I know
FITB Fill In The Blank....
FWIW For What It's Worth
FYI For Your Information
GD&R Grinning, ducking & running (usually left at the
end of a digging message)
GROK As in "I GROK" means thorough understanding.
GIWIST Gee I Wish I'd Said That
IC I See
IMHO In My Humble Opinion
IMNSHO In My Not So Humble Opinion
IOW In Other Words
JSNM Just Stark Naked Magic
L8R Later
LAB&TYD Life's A Bitch & Then You Die.
LOL Laughing Out Loud
NBFD No Big F***ing Deal
OFTPATHIRIO Oh F.. k This Place And The Horse It Rode In On!
OIC Oh, I See
OTOH On The Other Hand
PFM Pure F***ing Magic
PITA Pain In The Arse
POV Point Of View
ROTFL Rolling On The Floor Laughing
RSN Real Soon Now
RTFM Read The F$cking Manual
SYSOP System Operator
TANJ There Ain't No Justice
TANSTAAFL There Ain't No Such Thing As A Free Lunch
TPTB The Powers That Be
TTBOMK To The Best Of My Knowledge
TTFN Ta Ta For Now
TTUL Talk To You Later
WTF What the F***
WYSIWYG Whats you see is whats you'se gets.
**************************************************************
NU, VOT I VSE NA SEGODNYA! YA OZHIDAYU VASHIH PISEM!!!
(S) COPYRIGHT 18. 07. 1995 BY DENIS SADOSHENKO
FIFTH MEASURING
===============================================
[arhivnutyj] (var. [utoptannyj]) - arhivirovanyj fajl.
Nazvanie: Proiznositsya:
zaZIRovannyj zazipovannyj
zaZOOplennyj zazuplennyj
zaZOOzhenyj zazuzhenyj
otLNAchennyj otelhachennyj
LNAevyj elashevyj
ARJanoj arzhanoj
ARJevannyj arzhevannyj
priISEovannyj priajsovannyj
ISEovyj ajsovyj
[bebeska] (var. [bibiesina], [bibieska]) - BBS.
[blin] - odin disk iz paketa diskov. (*Golovka chirknula po vtoromu blinu.*)
[butyavka] - zagruzochnaya disketa.
[blinkovat'] - migat'.
[bryakpojnt] - mesto, gde spotknulas' vasha programma.
[butit'] (var. [zabutit'], [zalaptit']) - to boot.
[vaksa] - VAX.
[vidak] - videoprocessor.
[vint] (var. [hard], [disk], [berdan], [tyazhelyj drajv]) - HDD.
[visel'nik] - neopytnyj sistemshchik.
[vyhod tremya pal'cami] - three fingers salute, Ctrl-Alt-Del.
[vezha] - VGA.
[GamOver] - nesankcionirovannyj vyhod programmy (ot Game Over).
[gejtit'sya] - to gate.
[glyukala] (var. [glyukalo]) - zavedomo bespoleznyj programmnyj produkt, naprimer
proizvodyashchij tol'ko videoeffekty. Kak pravilo, ne osnashchen nikakim
dialogom, poskol'ku ne trebuet nikakogo razumnogo vmeshatel'stva.
[glyukalu polirovat'] - samoe glavnoe zanyatie glyukal'shchika. To est' ona uzhe vse
delaet, i blesk est', no vot lyubimoe ditya programmist obychno ne
otpuskaet nikak. A est' sroki sdachi zakazchiku, i vsyako proch.
[glyukat'] - pokazyvat', chto programma rabotaet. Naprimer: UUIO.EXE
demonstriruet, chto glyukaet, dvumya strochkami cvetnyh bukv v nizhnej
polovine ekrana. (*Nashi programmisty naglyukali "Uchet material'nyh
cennostej". Komandnyj fajl doglyukal za 15 minut.*).
[gnus] - GNU C.
[daun] (down) - sostoyanie dushi. (*Vse, ..., ya v daune.*)
[dizel'-elektricheskij kran] - DEC.
[displyuj] - displej.
[dolbagger] - sredstvo dlya unichtozheniya zhukov (BUG'ov).
[dolboklyuj] - ustrojstvo perforacii.
[doska] - motherboard. sm.
[drakon] - rezidentnaya programma.
[dryuker] - printer (kal'ka s nemeckogo, chem huzhe angl?).
[durdos] (var. [dyrdos]) - DR-DOS.
[ezha] (var. [yaga]) - EGA.
[zhat' batony] - rabotat' s mysh'yu.
[zhelezo] - hardware.
[zhuzhzhat'] - svyazyvat'sya modemom.
[zaplyushchennyj] - produkt, obrabotannyj v otladchike.
[zahengapit'] - snesti(sm.) usera(sm.).
[zafrekat'] (var. [freknut']) - sdelat' file request.
[zasharit' (resursy)] - (share) predostavit' dlya sovmestnogo ispol'zovaniya
(programmami ili pol'zovatelyami).
[zvonilka] (var. [stuchalka], [dolbilo]) - dialer.
[inverounment veraebl] - peremennaya sredy (environment variable).
[inzhalid dezhice] - rabotavshie na terminalah Videoton mogut upotreblyat' eti
slova v lyuboj situacii. Naprimer, esli kapaet kran na kuhne. (Slovo
dezhice proiznositsya s nepremennym udareniem na vtorom sloge - iz
uvazheniya k originalu).
[ispoHABit'] - pustit' pochtu po hablam(sm.).
[kamen'] - processor, chip.
[karga] - CGA.
[kebarda] (var. [kejborda], [klava]) - klaviatura.
[kilyat'] - ubivat' processy (*Pokilyal vse titivai.*).
[kompatibabel'nyj] - sovmestimyj.
[komposter] - dinamicheskij ob®ekt v komp'yuternoj igre.
[komputer] (var. [tachka], [apparat], [mashina]) - PC.
[konnektit'sya] - to connect.
[kontrol-bryk] - Ctrl-break
[kopirozhanie] - kopirovanie (byla v svoe vremya eshche na `Agate' programmul'ka,
kotoraya sprashivala: `Pristupit' k kopirozhaniyu?').
[kopirnut'] - skopirovat'.
[krakazyabla] (var. [masyamba], [sobaka], [blyamba], [obez'yana]) - simvol '@'.
[Krasnen'kim ee!] - Vyklyuchi pitanie mashiny.
[krysa] - 1). personazh igry Moria. 2). sovetskaya "myshka". (Videli? Razmerom
primerno s utyug. :-)
[kysh-pamyat'] - cache memory.
[lazar'] - lazernyj printer.
[loginit'sya] - to log in.
[lomat' chasy] - break watch (sm. trubopaskakal').
[makrushnik] - programmist na makroassemblere.
[mapa] - karta (ot angl. "map") (*Mapy Relkoma.*)
[marahajka] (var. [prikladushka], [applikuha]) - prikladnaya programma.
[maternaya plata] (var. [mamka]) - motherboard.
[megabajt] - amerikanskoe nazvanie kilobajta
[mezhdumordie] - interface.
[messag(a)] - message.
[mouze] - drajver myshi.
[mofon] (var. [motofon]) - lyuboe ustrojstvo s magnitnoj lentoj (strimmer,
magnitofon).
[musor] - pomehi v terminal'noj ili telefonnoj linii.
[mysha] - mouse (*Myshastyj komputer.*).
[mejlo] (var. [mylo]) - pis'mo.
[mesehashnik] - programmist na MSX-sovmestimyh komp'yuterah.
[naSil'nik] - rabotnik na S.
[ne snyuhalis'] - no carrier/handshake error.
[ne tvar'] (var. [netvarya]) - Netware (Vpervye vstretil v FIDO).
[norton-gad] - Norton guide.
[obASUchivat'] - vnedryat' ASU.
[obutit'] (var. [obut']) disketu - sdelat' disketu zagruzhaemoj.
[ozushka] - OZU.
[otpatchit'] - ispravit', obojti, ob®ehat', zalatat'.
[otroutit'] - otdat' sosednemu pochtovomu uzlu - pushchaj teper' tam polezhit...
[othengapit'sya] - sm. [zahengapit'].
[propollit'] (var. [propolot']) - sdelat' poll.
[paskalyant] (var. [piskvilyant]) - rabotnik na paskale.
[perebutovat'sya] - to reboot.
[pechatalka] - printer
[pechatnut'] (var. [printanut']) - napechatat'.
[plitka] - karta.
[pnut'] - 1).poslat' fajl ili pis'mo. (*"Davaj poprosim Microsoft pnut'
nam ishodniki Windows."*) 2). perezapustit' mashinu (doslovnyj
perevod to boot).
[ponesti] (var. [vynesti]) - steret' fajly, otformatirovat' nachisto.
[povis] (var. [upal], [vstal], [ruhnul], [skorchilsya], [potuh] - (o mashine)
situaciya, kogda mashina ne reagiruet ni na kakie vneshnie razdrazhiteli,
za isklyucheniem knopki `RESET'.
[podmyshka] - podkladka dlya myshki (mouse pad).
[polozhit' v holodil'nik] - ostavit' soobshchenie v Hold dlya kogo-nibud'.
[poryapat'] - udalit'. Ochen' shirokoe ponyatie, ispol'zuetsya dlya oboznacheniya
operacij udaleniya chego by to ni bylo.
[poslat' avtobus] - ubit' process komandoj kill -BUS (Unix).
[probkotron] - moshchnoe ustrojstvo v sosednej organizacii,
sozdayushchee pomehi v elektricheskoj seti. (*Pri krahe sistemy v
rezul'tate broska po pitaniyu: "Opyat' v ... probkotron vklyuchili!"*).
[programit'] - ... (I hope You understood. Prim. sost.).
[reanimator] - heker, sposobnyj ozhivit' beznadezhno usopshuyu mashinu, nesmotrya na
vse ee soprotivlenie.
[redi tu Mach tri] - sostoyanie polnoj boevoj gotovnosti kuda-to bezhat', chto-to
delat', i voobshche proizvodit' kakie-to dejstviya. (Ot zastavki populyarnoj
v svoej vremya igrushki Mach 3).
[romka] - ROM.
[ruhnut' v kore] - kogda programma ruhaetsya po core dumped.
[sadist] - (glavnyj) negodyaj vo vseh bez isklyucheniya igrushkah.
[santehnika] - hardware ot Sun Microsystems Computer Corporation.
[santehniki] - sotrudniki Sun Microsystems.
[svappit'] - perelivat' iz pustogo v porozhnee, pryatat' podal'she. (*Kakaya ...
moi tapochki otsvappila ?*)
[sidi-romka] - CD-ROM.
[sisopit'] - ispolnyat' obyazannosti sysop'a.
[slivat'] - to backup.
[snesti] - udalit' nezabrannuyu za mesyac pochtu.
[sopr] - i80x87.
[softvarij] - software.
[stremer] - strimmer.
[stuhat'] - vydelennye linii inogda stuhayut.
[tarit'] - slivat'(sm.) chto-to kuda-to tar-om (Unix).
[toptat' knopki] - rabotat' na klaviature.
[tormoz] - vse chto medlit.
[tormozit'] - 1). ploho soobrazhat'. 2). provodit' vremya, igrat' v komp'yuternye
igry.
[trubopaskakal'] - variant Turbopaskalya (est' takaya glyuchnaya programma).
[u-nih] - UNIX (a u nas -- Demos).
[user] - user.
[faza Luny] - populyarnoe ob®yasnenie dlya neozhidanno zarabotavshej mashiny ili
programmy, kotoraya vdrug ozhila i prinyalas' delat' to, chto ot nee
trebuetsya.
[fajlo] - fajl.
[fasovat'] (var. [zafasovat']) - ostanovit' komp'yuter (V Unix est' komanda
FASthalt). "Fasovshchik!" - rugatel'noe slovo programmistov, primenyaetsya k
inzheneru, kogda on v konce rabochego dnya prihodit vyrubat' komp'yuter.
[fenya] (var. [fen'ka]) - neozhidannoe, vyzyvayushchee udivlenie u programmista,
dejstvie ego sobstvennoj programmy, kotoroe on (ej-bogu!) ne prog-
rammiroval i o kotorom ne imel ponyatiya do etogo momenta. (Voznikaet
obychno vo vremya general'nogo testirovaniya ili vo vremya demonstracii
zakazchiku).
[flop] (var. [flopovod], [disketnik], [karman], [flopar'], [hlopar']) - FDD.
[FIDO-NET!] - fidonet.
[fortochki] (var. [vinduza]) - MS Windows.
[freza] - 1). programma, pozvolyayushchaya skopirovat' izobrazhenie s ekrana v fajl.
2). programma-upakovshchik (freeze).
[hablo] - hub.
[ha-te] - IBM PC/XT.
[hajevaya disketa] - high density floppy.
[hachit'] (var. [othachit'], [zahachit'], [prohachit']) - chto libo pravit',
ispravlyat', pisat' programmy (hakerskie :-).
[henih] - OS Xenix.
[Hulit Pakkard] - Hewlett Packard.
[ce] - yazyk 'C' (mozhno govorit' 'yazyk Ce').
[chervyachok ne dopolz] - neudachnyj seans obmena pochtoj v UUPC.
[chert soplivyj] - daemon (Unix).
[shary vialejshn] - share violation.
[shellit'sya] - to shell.
[shipet'_i_plevat'sya] - sostoyanie zavisshego modema, kotoryj ne hochet klast'
trubku, i uzhe chas prinimet gudki stancii za carrier.
[shlangirovanie] - peredacha dannyh po setevoj svyazi (*Plohoe shlangirovanie!*).
[eftepnut'] - kuda-to shodit' ili chto-to vzyat' cherez FTP.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. Good User - Dead User !
2. IBM - melkaya amerikanskaya firma, proizvodyashchaya periferiyu dlya ES |VM.
3. Motorola - firma, proizvodyashchaya kontrollery dlya motorollerov.
4. BASIC - yazyk programmirovaniya VASIK dlya komp'yutera "Irisha".
5. "V debryah fajlovoj sistemy setevoj
Zabludilsya kak-to hakker molodoj,
Vse simlinki da simlinki na puti,
I nazad emu dorogi ne najti...." (P.S. Avtorstvo prinadlezhit
Volode Petrovu [ptr@kiae.su])
6. TURBO - 1). knopka na IBM PC/AT, kotoraya nachisto lishaet vas vozmozhnosti
razglyadet' chto-libo na lokatore blizhnego obzora. 2). knopka "medlenno".
7. WINCHESTER - disk, kotoryj ne visnet, dazhe esli vykurit' okolo nego pachku
belomora. Otechestvennoe nazvanie - "BERDAN".
8. UTILITY - obshchee nazvanie dlya staryh programm, kotorye zhalko vykinut'.
9. MEGABYTE - amerikanskoe nazvanie kilobajta.
10. LINKER - kakaya-to utilita vo mnogih operacionnyh sistemah. Govoryat, chto
dvuh slov svyazat' ne mozhet, ne govorya uzhe o kilobajtah!
11. HACKER - lesorub, sanitar lesa. Posle ego raboty vyzhivayut tol'ko samye
stojkie ekzemplyary operacionnyh sistem.
12. Lyubimyj vopros nachinayushchih pol'zovatelej: "Gde nahoditsya klavisha 'Any
key'?".
13. Vopros posle lekcii ob ustrojstve i rabote vinchestera: "I vse-taki ya ne
ponimayu kak zhe eto na nem bajtiki ne peremeshivayutsya ?!".
14. Ne vyhodi iz nortona perezagruzkoj - emu zhe bol'no.
15. Press any key perevodim: zhmi na svoyu lyubimuyu knopku (variant - na gashetku)
16. "Dlya vyhoda v menyu nazhmite klavishu Reset".
17. Lyubov' k pivu -- eto lyubov' k pivu, eto nechto chistoe i svetloe, kak kruzhka
kvasa posle bani. Ne imeet nikakogo otnosheniya k programmizmu. (Zastavka
odnoj iz moskovskih bebesok(sm.)).
18. - Visim...
- Ne visim.
- Visim!
- Ne visim, govoryu - diskom drygaet!
19. "Ega ne egit" - vizual'nye pomehi na displee.
20. Primer ispol'zovaniya konstrukcii if-else yazyka "ce"(sm.). (Pochemu by i
net?)
...
if (masha > 18) {
taxi(gastronom);
gastronom(bottle);
taxi(masha);
}
else if (vera == home)
taxi(vera);
else
walk(home);
...
Skazka o rybake i rybke (Nedopisannaya skazka).
21. Skazka o rybake i rybke (Nedopisannaya skazka)
ZHili-byli Starik so Staruhoj u samogo mashinnogo zala
Starik dobyval perifiriyu staruha drajvery pisala
ZHili oni s vethim terminalom rovno pyat' let i dva goda.
Kak-to s®ezdil Starik v Evropu tam zakinul on svoi seti -
Vytashchil starye HANDBOOK'i v drugoj raz zakinul on seti -
Vytashchil FAIL'ovye lenty v tretij raz zakinul on seti -
Glyad' - v setyah zolotaya rybka cheshuya u nej v integralkah
Na hvoste napisano "MERA" kak vzmolilas' Zolotaya rybka
Molvit Stariku na Fortrane: "Otpusti menya starche s mirom
V rodnye mul'tipleksnye kanaly
Bogatyj za sebya dam ya vykup - ukomplektuyu chem tol'ko pozhelaesh'"
Ispugalsya Starik, udivilsya ne vidal podobnogo on chuda
Molvil: "Daj nemnogo softvera my-to nichego ne imeem"
"Net problem" emu otvetila rybka merovskim hvostikom mahnula i nyrnula
v samuyu odru.
Vozvratilsya Starik s ruchnym ekzekom rasskazal pro eto chudo Staruhe
Rasserdilas' Staruha, zarugalas' durachina ty prostofilya
Mnogo li proku v ekzeke ne hochu gonyat' pod nim programmy
Idi durak k svoej rybke prosi operacionnuyu sistemu
Vozvratilsya starik v Evropu (Tam sluchilsya FAIL na lente)
Podoshel on k modemu, molvil: "Gde zhe ty zolotaya rybka?"
Priplyla k nemu zolotaya rybka, Sprosila: "CHego tebe nadobno, starche?"
Ej s poklonom Starik otvechaet: "Smilujsya, gosudarynya rybka,
Obrugala menya Staruha ne hochet rabotat' pod ekzekom
Podavaj ej operacionnuyu sistemu"
Otvechaet zolotaya rybka: "Ne pechal'sya, ezzhaj sebe s bogom"
Vozvratilsya Starik ko Staruhe glyad' - sidit ona u monitora
Smotritsya v samyj supervajzer redaktorom marafet navodit
Na ekrane tajmer s kukushkoj po dvoru brodit planirovshchik
Gonit na mashinu zadachi vorota zakryty parolem
V storonke fajlovaya pamyat' a u vhoda damper s kolotushkoj.
Kak uzrela Starika Staruha - razrugalas' huzhe SYSTEM MESSAGE:
"Durachina ty prostofilya vyprosil OS durachina
Ne hochu byt' sistemnym programmistom hochu tvorit', chto dushen'ke ugodno
CHtob s assemblerom ne vozit'sya a pisat' na chistom PASCAL'e
Raznye krasivye shtuchki".
Vot pobrel Starik opyat' v Evropu vidit - na mashinah SYSTEM ERROR
On podhodit k modemu, klichet priplyla zolotaya rybka:
"CHego tebe nadobno, starche?" ej s poklonom Starik otvechaet:
"Smilujsya, gosudarynya rybka, snova erepenitsya Staruha
Ne hochet softverom zanimat'sya, a hochet byt' vol'nym programmistom
CHtob zabyt' sovsem pro assembler i pisat' na chistom PASCAL'e"
Otvechaet zolotaya rybka: "Ne pechal'sya, ezzhaj sebe s bogom"
Vozvratilsya Starik ko Staruhe glyad' - v VC softvernaya gruppa
Staruhe preprocessory pishet podnosit s poklonom utility
Ona b'et ih, za borody taskaet trebuet novyj kompilyator
Govorit Starik svoej Staruhe: "Nu teper' tvoya dushen'ka dovol'na?"
Na nego Staruha ne vzglyanula - otpravila testirovat' lenty
Vot nedelya, drugaya prohodit pushche prezhnego Staruha vzbesilas'
Vyzyvaet Starika i glagolet: "Ne hochu byt' vol'nym prorammistom,
A zhelayu stavit' zadachi he korpet' ves' den' za terminalom -
Sochinyat' lyubye algoritmy, kotorye tol'ko pozhelayu".
Tut sovsem Starik izumilsya: "CHto ty baba, beleny ob®elas'?
Nichego v zadachah ne smyslish' vsej sisteme budesh' potehoj"
Tut nogami zatopala Staruha pribezhali vernye slugi
Poslali Starika v komandirovku.
Vozvratilsya starik v Evropu (Dali sboj sistemnye diski)
Stal on klikat' zolotuyu rybku priplyla k nemu rybka, sprosila:
"CHego tebe nadobno, starche?"
Ej s poklonom Starik otvechaet: "Smilujsya, gosudarynya rybka,
Net zhit'ya ot proklyatoj Staruhi, uzh ne hochet byt' vol'nym programmistom
Hochet tol'ko stavit' zadachi kakie ee dushen'ke ugodno"
Otvechaet stariku rybka: "Ne pechal'sya, ezzhaj sebe s bogom
Dobro budet ona stavit' zadachi"
Vozvratilsya Starik - izumilsya sidit ego Staruha v kabinete
Matematiki vokrug da programmisty bank relyacionnyj ej pishut
Nesut zamorskie pakety adaptiruyut na nashih mashinah
A Staruha znaj daet zaprosy v samom uproshchennom formate
Bliz sidyat boyare da dvoryane obsuzhdayut kontury sistemy.
Kak Staruha Starika uvidala - nasupilas' grozno i molvit:
"Otpravlyajsya-ka zhivee k rybke ne zhelayu znat' pro formaty
I davat' mashine komandy hochu obshchat'sya golosom i svistom
Kak podumayu - pust' to i ispolnit i chtob rybka tvoya mne sluzhila
I byla by u menya dlya tranzakcij"
Neozhidannyj konec skazki
22. Pomni! Kazhdaya nelegal'naya kopiya - lishnij gvozd' v grob kapitalizma.
23. Umnozhaya svoi znaniya, umnozhaesh' ch'yu-to skorb'.
24. Luchshe kovyryat'sya otladchikom v chuzhom kode, chem pal'cem v sobstvennoj
zadnice.
25. Ne derzhi odnovremenno otkrytymi dvercu na diskovode i okna na terminale -
skvoznyakom sduet so stula.
26. Luchshij sposob nauchit'sya programmirovaniyu - vzyat' dizassembler i
posmotret', kak eto delayut drugie.
27. Kto sposoben na malen'kie pakosti, tot sposoben na bol'shie podvigi.
28. Zagadka: Kto rabotaet na VAXe ? (Otvet: Sapogi)
29. Zagadka: Gde u Pushkina A.S. upominaetsya pro problemu obsluzhivaniya
lokal'nyh setej nekvalificirovannym personalom? (Otvet: "Pribezhali v izbu
deti, v toropyah zovut otca: - Tyatya, tyatya nashi seti pritashchili mertveca.")
30. Diagnoz: Udavilo kabelem.
Moral': Ne trogaj tehniku i ona tebya ne podvedet.
Rezyume: Esli sovsem ne znaesh' chto delat' - prochti instrukciyu.
31. Vseh kogo ty ne sprosi -
Programmiruyut na S,
Nynche vstretish' ty edva li
TeH, kto pishet na Paskale.
32. Podslushannyj razgovor:
- A kakoj interfejs u Vashej programmy?
- Takoj zhe kak v OS UNIX!
- A-a... Ponyatno. Znachit nikakogo.
33. "Oshibka - eto ne oshibka, a sistemnaya funkciya!"
34. Vopros: "CHto obshchego mezhdu |VM i polovym chlenom?"
Otvet: "Oba imeyut dva ustojchivyh sostoyaniya - libo stoit, libo visit."
(Esli vy rabotali na bol'shih sovetskih mashinah, Vy pojmete, chto eto
dazhe ne smeshno. :-)
35. Programmirovanie (kak i lyubov') -- vsego lish' odno slovo. No za nim
skryvaetsya mnozhestvo zanyatij.
36. Programmist ne est' professiya, eto - diagnoz.
37. Soft * 10E-06 = Microsoft. (Togda: American + trend * 10E06 = American
Megatrend)
38. Legko, kak dva bajta pereslat'.
40. Narodnoe nazvanie - takoe nazvanie, kotoroe ispol'zuetsya po krajnej mere
eshche odnim parnem, krome menya.
41. Mesto myshi - ambar.
42. Geroinya iz strashnoj skazki s horoshim koncom - Baba EGA. (Konec, konechno zhe
imelsya vvidu u skazki, t.k. Baba EGA - ona, hotya adapter - on.)
43. C v standarte K&R - Vethij Zavet.
C v standarte ANSI - Novyj Zavet.
Voroh knizhek i rukovodstv po C - Evangeliya, kazhdoe iz kotoryh tolkuet K&R
po-svoemu.
Kanonicheskoe Evangelie - kniga po C v kotoroj net oshibok v primerah.
Nekanonicheskoe Evangelie - naoborot.
Knigi po C ot White Group - techenie adventistov sed'mogo dnya.
Primer kal'kulyatora - kanon, a Dzhehani - prorok ego.
44. Staryj veteran, stoya v ocheredi u magazina, rugaetsya:
- Porazvelis', tut, ponimaesh', vsyakie brokery, hakery, v magazinah nichego
ne kupish'.
45. Vospominanie: govoryat, chto v svoe vremya vypuskalas' takaya
knizhka: "Vse ob ASU".
46. Posle poluchki SHtirlic pereschityvaet rejhsmarki:
- 1022.. 1023.. 1024.
- "KB MEMORY GOOD" - podumal SHtirlic.
47. Strashnye izvestiya o virusah:
"Mighty Mouse"
"Vot nedavno v sosednej sharage virus poyavilsya - pereprogrammiruet COM-port
tak, chto azh mysh' po stolu ezdit' nachinaet! "
"Padayushchie bukvy"
"Vot nedavno ... - pereprogrammiruet CRT-kontroller tak, chto
znakogenerator vysypaetsya na stol."
"Hot key"
"Vot nedavno ... - pereprogrammiruet klaviaturu tak chto hot-kej
raskalyaetsya dokrasna i strelyaet v lob operatoru. Est' sluchaj so
smertel'nym ishodom."
Stihotvoreniya pro virus:
48. Stihotvorenie pro virus:
Negodyaj Poltoraki zahodit v pod®ezd;
Tiho tleet v zubah sigareta.
On kovarno prinosit chetvertyj King-Quest
Na svoej trehdyujmovoj diskete.
Innokentij dovolen svoeyu sud'boj,
On ne chuet opasnoj lovushki,
On ne vidit, kak virus zlodejskoj gur'boj
Pronikaet v mashinu s igrushki.
On saditsya na Norton i na Command.com,
Ne shchadit ni Quick-C, ni Turbiny;
Poltoraki sledit, shoronyas' za uglom
Za nashestviem merzkoj skotiny.
Vot kuranty probili 17-00,
Innokentij diskety sbiraet,
Gnusnyj virus, pochuyav sebya kak korol',
"YAnki Dudlya" cinichno igraet.
Ves' vinchester poverzhen, komp'yuter molchit,
Innokentij shataetsya gde-to,
V nebesah chernyj voron nevnyatno mychit,
Unosya v svoem klyuve disketu.
Poltoraki krichit: "YA togo ne hotel!"
Innokentij emu ne vnimaet.
On spokoen, on klavishi Ctrl-Alt-Del
Svoej tverdoj rukoj nazhimaet.
49. Innokentij pytaetsya postavit' tochku, a, mozhet byt', dve na videoadaptere
VGA:
Innokentij glyadit na displej VGA,
Privlechennyj bogatstvom palitry.
Ot siden'ya za sutki ustala noga,
I zheludok zhelaet pollitry.
To pogasnet ekran, to vdrug stanet migat',
Izdevatel'stvam kraya ne vidno.
Tol'ko tochki zhelannoj nikak ne vidat'.
Innokentiyu ochen' obidno.
On s toskoj vspominaet rodnoj DVK,
Gde vse prosto, ponyatno i milo.
Vmesto zhutkoj programmy v 11K
Tam desyatka komand by hvatilo.
Innokentij v TechHelp obrechenno glyadit,
V labirintah registrov bluzhdaet,
A ekran vse po-prezhnemu tupo ryabit
I rezhima nikak ne vklyuchaet.
Innokentij k ubijstvu moral'no gotov,
Vosklicaet on gromko: "Skotina!"
I nad gnusnym tvoren'em zamorskih vragov
On zanosit bol'shuyu dubinu.
Vzglyad ego nepodvizhnyj, bezumen i nem
I horoshego ne predveshchaet.
CHernyj voron s poganym klejmom "IBM"
Po chastyam iz okna vyletaet.
50. Esli tvoya programma ottranslirovalas' bez oshibok, skazhi ob etom sistemnomu
programmistu - on ispravit oshibku v translyatore.
51. "Opyat' tachka pod mejlerom legla..."
52. "|to ne bag -- eto ficha." ( feature :) -- pravil'naya reakciya na oshibki...
53. Skazka pro programmista.
|to budet strashnaya, OCHENX STRASHNAYA skazka!
ZHil-byl programmist... Primerno takoj-zhe kak i vse ostal'nye program-
misty. Poshel on odnazhdy k babushke (za pirozhkami, navernoe). A babushka
ego kak raz byla svyazana s sicilianskoj mafiej, prodavala pirozhki po
beshenym cenam. Nado Vam skazat', chto v toj strane, gde zhil, rabotal i
uchilsya (kak zaveshchal velikij ...) nash programmist, pirozhki predstavlyali
soboj chto-to vrode geroina dlya lyudej, valerianovyh kapel' dlya kotov i
novogo, tol'ko chto spertogo iz-za bugra softa dlya programmistov. Poe-
tomu dostat' ih bylo trudno, a podchas i nevozmozhno. Poetomu te prog-
rammisty, kotorye imeli babushek, schitalis' schastlivchikami.
[Konec pervoj chasti, prodolzhenie sleduet]
[Titry]
[V zale zazhigayut svet]
A davajte vtoruyu glavu nachnem tak: "ZHil byl ne programmist..."
ZHil-byl ne programmist...
A razve takoe byvaet? Byvaet i ne takoe...
So, the programmer still alive.
Now he deside to go to the black market and buy PC (He was a Soviet
programmer).
Dolgo li, korotko, no doshel on taki do rynka. Posmotrel vokrug i azh
zakruchinilsya - stoyat vokrug zlye kooperatory, derzhat komputery - a tak
prosto ne dayut... I za rubli ne dayut. A tol'ko za valyutu raznuyu. I po-
shel on iskat' tu valyutu. SHel-shel, smotrit - stoit staryj pen'. A okolo
pnya lezhit ded...
Staaaaaryj. Staryj hren. Staryj ded?
Mda. Taki vot, detishki, lezhal tot staryj chuhal'nik, da v dve dyrochki
posapyval. A poboku ot onogo chmyrya evonnyj tulup sebe valyalsya. A iz
pod tulupa entogo chto-to takoe s aglickimi nadpisyami vydavalosya...
Glyanul nash programmer po vse chetyre storony - lyudishki svoimi delami
mayut'sya, kto kupit', kto zaprodat', po storonam vrodya nihto ne zy-
rit'... Taki da, i mesto-to ukromnoe - sboku sarayushka prilepilas', s
drugogo - kusty neprolaznyya, speredu pomojka nehozhennaya, a szadu pus-
tyr' i nikogo. Nu, pochesal programmer repu, pozyrkal po storonam - i
shast' k tulupu... Pripodnyal, glyanul - ona, krasavica! S mordy - VGA
sploshnaya, poboku pechatka shirochennoj shiriny, da na 25 iglov prilepila-
sya, vnutri megabajtov schitat' ne pereschitat'... Lepota, da i tol'ko! A
chuhal'nik vse sebe posapyvaet'... Nu, vzdrognul nash programmer ot kra-
soty takoj neopisannoj - da i hvat' mashinku-to v ohapku! I nu nogi
vstavlyat'!
Vot tak, detishki... Vy posmotrite da skazhete - mol, plohoj etot vash
programmer, vorovat', mol, ne horosho... Taki da, detishki, no it' chto
delat'-ta? Tomu dedku ubytok - raz plyunut', on enti komputery po sotne
v den' torguet, a programmeru bednomu dlya dushi da raboty igde mashinku
poimet'? A i negde...
Taki ladno, dal'she pojdem... Povstavlyal programmer nogi, zabezhal v sa-
myj chto ni na est' les gluhoj, pritomilsya. Sel na penek, komputer pos-
tavil (i kak tol'ko uper on ego! Veshch' ne skol'ko tyazhkaya, skol'ko po
mnogim korobkam raspihannaya i cherez to nosil'no neudobnaya)... Sidit,
utiraetsya, dumu dumaet - chto delat'? Da kto vinovat? I tut, kak na
greh, Volk na polyanu-to entu vypersya, zaraza! Da ne prosto Volk, a v
chinah da pri pogonah, govorilka na remne, da pushka na boku... Szadu
vypersya, programmer nash sidit sebe, otduvaetsya, Volka i ne primecha-
et... Glyanul Volk - nikak programmer sidit! I komputer, veshch' cennaya,
pri em. A i chto zhe, dumaet Volk, on v glushi takoj s cennostyami sidit,
narod na smertoubijstvo iskushaet'? A ne inache - poper programmer ma-
shinku i pryatat' namylilsi!!! Nu, dumaet Volk, shchas ya ego, zarazu, groh-
nu, chtob narod ne soblaznyal! A mashinku sebe zaberu, za moral'nyj
ushcherb. Poreshil tak Volk, i poper sebe bryuhom po kochkam - poblizhe pod-
birat'sya.
A programmer tem vremenem otdyshalsya - i tak zahotelos' emu komputer v
dele poprobovat'! Tokmo dlya entogo rozetka potrebna. Glyanul on krugom
- gluhoman', rozetok ne vidat'... A Volk tut uzh sovsem podobralsya,
tol'ko lapu protyanut', sidit pod kustom, shchas prygnet... A programmer
vse rozetku ishchet - nu nevterpezh emu! I tut glyanul on pod kust - hacha!
- dve dyrochki! Obradovalsya programmer da kak pyrnet' Volku v nozdri
vilku silovuyu... Volka azh zakoldobilo, vilka-to ne cheta sovkovskim, po
evrostandartu sdelannaya... Rvanul Volk iz-pod kusta s mordoj strashnoj,
tesak vytyshchil - i na programmera. I ostat'sya programmeru v temnom lesu
bezdyhannym, zabil by ego Volk, da na ego schast'e v tot sekund iz ma-
shinki uzhasno zlovrednyj virus-diskkiller svezhim vozduhom podyshat' vy-
lez. Vylez, znachit', glyan' - Volk s programmerom ryadom topchut'sya. Glya-
nul blizhe - a u Volka kabel' setevoj iz nozdrej torchit! Ah ty padla,
podumal diskkiller, pod devise kosish'?! I shmyaknul ot dushi Volku po
balde, togo azh perekoso$#&lo. Ved' chto Volkova golova pered diskkille-
rom, kogda on diski gigabajtnye vraz rezonansom raznosil. Nu, prinyalsya
diskkiller za Volka vplotnuyu, a programmer ne bud' durak durakom,
podhvatil mashinku v ohapku i nu nogi vstavlyat'! Blago delo znakomoe...
Vo, pod tri ekrana naplel... Pora i pivka pojti popit'...
Tak, pivka popili, mozhna i dalee tolkovat'...
Znachit', lomanulsya nash programmer cherez les/chashchobu kuda glyadelki smot-
ryut'... Bezhal, bezhal, iz poslednih sil vybilsya, v kusty upal, otdyha-
et, znachit... Dyhanie otvel, mordu iz kustov vysunul - okrest oglyady-
vetsya, boyazno. Glyan' - izba na kurnogah vidneetsya, iz truby dymok, na
kryshe antenna televiz'onnaya da kabelya prolozheny... Nu, dumaet program-
mer, raz televizer est' v hozyajstve, taki i komputer podsobachit' mozhna
budet. Glyanul eshche razok po storonam - i popersya k izbe entoj. Podka-
til, shast' za ruchku dvernuyu - a Izba emu chelovecheskim golosom: a ska-
zhi-ka ty, milok, user name svoe? A sama levoj lapoj ego uhvatila. Nu,
dumaet programmer, sovsem propal, slyhival on pro takie izby, BBSby
privatnye prozyvayutsya, v narode pro nih mnogo chego gutarili. Govorili
- imya sprosit, esli tri raza takoe otvetstvuesh', kotoroe v ejnom spis-
ke ne znachitsya - v tot moment golovu otvinchivaet! A esli ugadaesh'
imechko - tak ona, zaraza, slovo propusknoe potrebuet. Tozh tri raza. Ne
ugadaesh' - zatopchet. Nu a uzh esli ugadaesh' - to vnutr' propustit, a
tam, gryat, chistyj raj dlya programmera, softa raznogo po uglam navaleno
- beri ne hochu!
Vspomnil eto vse programmer nash goremychnyj, a BBSba timerom shchelkaet da
kogtyami skrebet'... Dumal, dumal programmer, ves' potom izoshel -
vspomnil imya volshebnoe/sekretnoe, v kabake ot zaezzhego programmera
sistemnogo iz dal'nih stran slyshannoe! Sysop, govorit, ya, hozyain tvoj,
skotina ty slepoglazaya! BBSba na drugoj bok perekosilas', povertela
ego v lape da i sprashivaet - a koli ty, govorit', hozyain moj nenaglyad-
nyj, tak uzh izvol' i rassword'ik otvetstvovat', za tri popytochki, a ne
otvetish' - ne obessud', mnogo tut vsyakih shlyaetsya...
Vzmok programmer razom - delat'-to chto? Posmotrel na vyvesku sverhu
BBSby - tam napisano, mol, Alan BBSba, nomer tam, adres raspolozheniya -
gorod da doma nomer... I podumalos' programmeru - a ezheli ya na samom
dele sysopom byl? Da s bol'shogo beer drinking k sebe vozvrashchalsya? Da
kak menya BBSba lapoj svoej uhvatala, a ya imechko-to svoe pomnyu ishsho - a
slovo vhodnoe naskvoz' zapamyatoval? I pogibat' zdesya mne lyutoj
smert'yu, na samom poroge? Net, reshil programmer, na takoj sluchaj pa-
rol' pod nosom iskat' nadobno, chuzhoj ne dopetrit', a sysop i v mordu
p'yanyj vspomnit! Glyanul ishsho razok na vyvesku - Alan mol, Zelenograd
mol, korpus 1205... Nu, dumaet, Alapzelenograd dolgo vygovarivat' po
p'yani budet, a Alan1205 prosto, a 5021nala - v samyj raz! Vzdohnul,
zazhmurilsya - 5021nala, govorit!!!
A BBSba emu - zahodi, dorogoj hozyain, nikak opyat' piva otkushat' izvo-
lili, vse parolik vspominali, golovkoj mayalis', a vot prohodite ras-
sol'chiku ispit', a ya i dokladec uzh sgotovila - kto byl da chto delal,
da vot eshche eha novaya smeshnaya, vami ne chitannaya prishla, uzho posmeetes',
otdohnuvshi... I v dver' programmera nezhnen'ko tak prodvigaet. A pri
vhode kreslice podvinula, usadila, komputer v storonochke akkuratnen'ko
poklala - s obnovkoj nikak, grit, hozyain pribyl, use v dom voloket' -
kreslice k stolu s pul'tom glavnym podkatila, poboku drugoj stol migom
sobrala - pozhrat' tam, kofeyu ispit', sigarety zabugorskie privolok-
la... Povelevaj, grit, sysop ty moj dragocennnyj, gotovaya ya... A prog-
rammer ej, osmelevshi - zatknis', staraya! Otdyhat'/razvlekat'sya budu! I
k pul'tu tot zhe mig potyanulsya... (Oni, programmery, use takie, ih hle-
bom ne kormi - daj na novoj mashinke knopki popihat'...)
A na tom my ostanovku sdelaem - skol' uzh bez rozdyhu trepemsya!
Uf... Ustal ya s vami yazykom molot' bez rozdyhu-to... SHCHas vot pivka
pop'yu, perekuryu...
Taki ladno - uselsya, znachit', programmer nash za samyj glavnyj pul't
BBSby. Dok sekretnyj chitaet, za pul'tom osvaivaet'sya - lyubo-dorogo
posmotret'... Da vdrug sebya po lbu ka-ak dvinet - a komputer-to evon-
nyj, svezhij/v dele ne oprobovannyj, pochto zrya prostaivaet!? Soft pi-
sat' nada! Nu, delo privychnoe, komputer sobral/naladil i komandu emu
samuyu chto ni na est' global'nuyu zadal - pishi, grit, vse podryad poka
mesta hvataet! A komputer, vsem izvestno, v umelyh rukah veshch' poslush-
no/ispolnitel'naya da rabotyashchaya shibko, vot i poshel on podryad ves' soft
opisyvat', chto po ugla BBSby ponalozhen byl... Sam shurshit vovsyu, lampoyu
podmigivaet, mol vot on ya, truzhus'/vkalyvayu vo vse lopatki...
A programmer tem delom BBSbu izuchat' snutrya stal, delo emu novoe, in-
teresnoe... Osvaivat'sya uzh stal potihon'ku, tem vremenem i komputer
poslednie krohi softa po suseka podskrebat' stal, kak vdrug glyanul
programmer v okoshko ekrannoe, a tam men krutoj pryamym hodom ko vhodu
podvalivaet'! Nu, dumaet programmer, shchas emu BBSba vlomit promezh mor-
galok za naglost' nastyrnuyu! A men, zaraza, podhodit sebe k BBSbe i
zavodit rech' neozhidannuyu - ya, grit, sysop, parol' moj 5021nala, otvo-
ryaj davaj, karga staraya! Smeknul tut programmer, chto prishla pora ma-
natki smatyvat' borzo da kustami i davaj allyurom tri kresta komputer
svoj, softom obozhravshijsya, obratno pakovat'!
A tem vremenem BBSba azh poperhnulas' ot slov sysopa novoyavlennogo i
davaj vereshchat' - BUZY-BUZY, mol, izydi, nechistaya sila, kakoj-takoj,
sysop-pysop, doma on davno, delami truditsya, davaj provalivaj, gost'
nezvannyj, otkelya prishel! A to vlomlyu po hare nagloj, budesh' znat',
kak samozvannichat'! A sysop ot slov entih skochevryazhilsya i grit - ty
chto, skotina nekompilirovannaya, beleny ob®elasya?! Kak-tak BUZY-BUZY?!
Kak-tak doma?! YA te, padla/vobla, parol' i imyachko skazal? Otvoryaj vo-
rota, a to zhivo v arhiv zapakuyu! A BBSba podpustila sysopa poblizhe da
i vlomila ot dushi HANGUP'om krivym promezh rogov! Tot i otvalil v sto-
ronku... Uvidal vse ento programmer nash hitroumnyj, da i podumalos'
yamu - a mozha i ne svalivat' pokudova otselya? Sysop zloj shibko, po kus-
tam vokrug shastaet', ne daj bog perehvatit - komputer otberet, da eshche
so vsem softom, von bugaj kakoj vymahal... Ne luchshee li budet tutochki
otsidet'sya poka on za podmogoj ne namylitsya - togda i kogti podergat'?
No poka programmer tak razdumyval, sysop, zaraza, k okoshku
netmail'ovomu sboku prokralsya da cherez shchelku/FDServer shepnul psam svo-
im cepnym, del'am da vozhaku ihnemu Hdel'u, chtob oni v sej moment vseh
iz BBSby povychistili... I kak polezli tut izo vseh shchelej del'y eti
okoyannye, a speredu sam Xdel, morda zverskaya, s parametrom chernym,
koldovskim (*.* - ne k nochi bud' pomyanut)! Tugo tut programmeru nashemu
bystronogomu prishlos'. Ele-ele uspel komputer v ohapku podhvatit' da
mimo svory zlodejskoj proskochit'... S krylechka sbezhal - a tam sysop
zhdet/dozhidaetsya... No programmer nash paren' ne promah, drukarku ne po-
zhalel, prigrel sysopa po golovushke da i v kusty strekocha zadal!
V kustah shoronilsya, otdyshalsya malost', smotrit, chto dalee posledu-
et... Sysop podle krylechka pomayalsya-ppomayalsya, othodit' stal... Ochnul-
sya nakonec, slovo propusknoe skkazal - i pustila ego BBSba vnutr'...
Spohvatilsya nash programmer motat' otsyudova podalee, kak vdrug razdalsya
vopl' oglashennyj na vsyu na okrugu! |to znachit' poka sysop golovenkoj u
krylechka stradal, svora-to evonnaya, s parametrom chernym, programmera
ne najdya, ves' soft naskvoz' pozhrala! Oh, i oral zhe sysop, chto porosya
tvoya nedorezannaya, vse po softu svoemu lyubimomu sokrushalsya... I pode-
lom emu, zhadyuge proklyatomu! nechego bylo na disketah arhivnyh ekono-
mit'!
Istinno skazano - ne roj drugomu yamu!
Podumal tak programmer nash hitroumnyj, podobral komputer da i v put'/
dorogu k domu svoemu pustilsya...
Uf... A chto dalee s nim priklyuchilosya, ob tom rech' dalee povedem, kur-
nut' nadobno...
Mda, zaboltalsya ya s vami, stemnelo uzh, skoro event nastanet messadzhi v
pole vygonyat'... Nu da ladno, poraskazhu ishsho nemnogo...
Nu tak vot, vyshel nash programmer na dorogu, k domu evonnomu vedushchyuyu,
tut i luna proglyanulas' (nado skazat', poka on v BBSbe obretalsya, uzh i
noch' nastupila), prosvetlelo v okruge... Ono, znamo delo, pri lune
noch'yu po bol'shoj doroge ittit' kuda kak dlya zdorov'ya pol'zitel'nee, a
to ved' delo nochnoe, doroga tornaya, mejlovyj chas uzh nastupil, messadzhi
kak oglashennye prutsya, glaza vypychat, vse dobezhat' poskoree hochetsya...
Zashibut... Crash'i vashchshche po golovam prutsya... A to ishsho byvaet - hozya-
in nerazumnyj u sebya v stojle attach raskormit gabarytov nepotrebnyh,
eshche i srash emu na sheyu posadit - i vypuskaet'... I vot pretsya skotina
etakaya raskormlennaya po doroge, vse na svoem puti zatoptat' norovit...
A uzh traffik-to kak korezhit, smertoubijstvo odno... Net chtoby po umu
postupit' da razbit' attach-to na kuchku pomenee da propustit' vo vremya
tihoe... Da i chto tam dolgo rassusolivat', raznye hozyaeva-to popada-
yut'sya...
Taki vot, vyshel nash programmer na tornuyu dorogu, komputer tashchit, da
vse po obochine norovit - nu kak sob'yut i ne zametyat? I komputer potop-
chut, i samomu boka nalomayut... I tut vypolzaet na dorogu s tropochki
pribludnoj toshchij messadzh takoj, hilen'kij, na pervoj poglyad i bez sta-
tusov vovse... No tokmo na pervoj, ibo imel tot messadzh status, status
tajnyj da razbojnyj, kill prozyvaetsya. Pristraivaetsya takoj s vidu do-
hodyaga za attachem pozhirnee, prokovyrivaet dyrku v upakovke - da i ty-
rit na hodu vsyu poklazhu! U attacha-to myslya odna v golove - dobezhat'
pobystree, poka on eshche spohvatitsya, chto gruz pokrali, kill-to daleko
uzhe budet...
Vot i etot iz takovskih byl.
Uh, sovsem yazyk otvalivaetsya, podozhdite-ka...
Ladna, dalee skazyvat' budyam...
Vybral znachitsya kill poganyj sebe attach pozhirnee, szadu pristraivat'sya
stal... Zlodejskij svoj grabezh svershat'... Da na ego bedu zaprimetil
programmer nash glazasten'kij manevry evonnye da i ponyal, chto k chemu...
I sam emu v hvost pristroilsya. I tokma kill protivnyj lapu svoyu skuko-
zhennuyu za chuzhim dobrom protyanul kak grohnul ego po lape programmer
drukarkoj svoej v boyu ispytannoj! Lapa-to i shrumkalasya... Zavereshchal
kill poganyj, proch' brosilsya, da s perepugu na vstrechnuyu polosu vyle-
tel, tam-to emu konec i nastal... A attach, programmerom spasennyj, na
obochinu srulil, tormoznul tam i davaj pered programmerom v blagodar-
nostyah iz®yasnyat'sya... Na nochleg da uzhin v punkte destination svoego
zazval, mol tam hozyain shibko hlebosol'nyj, na zagorbok sebe usadil da
i pomchal so vseh nog...
Vot ono kak byvaet' - ne popadis' sej kill zlovrednyj, dolgo by eshche
programmeru nogami-to shmyakat' do domu prishlos' by... Vrode tak, da ne
tak, ibo obernulos' proisshestvie eto ne blizhnej, a dal'nej dorogoyu...
Oh!!! Nikak mail event probilo?! Tak i est'! Zatrepalsya s vami - mes-
sadzhi revut, otsyudova slyshno! Pobegu vypushchu, vernus' - doskazhu!
Fu, uspel edva! Dajte piva hlebnut', v gorle peresohlo... Oh, horosho
pivo zamorskoe, Tuborg prozyvaet'sya, namedni messadzh pribludilsya s
tremya yashchikami...
Nu tak vot, domchal attach programmera, hozyainu pro gerojskij podvig vse
povyskazal - podivilsya hozyain, v postoyalyj dvor zazval, za stol usa-
dil, potchevat' prinyalsya da rassprashivat'... Rasskazal programmer hozya-
inu bez utajki vse proisshestviya svoi - zelo hozyain porazhalsi! Tak ves'
iz sebya porazhennyj i povel programmera pochivat' ukladyvat'. I durnuyu
sluzhbu sosluzhila programmeru hozyajskaya porazhennost' da zabyvchivost'!
Ibo v zadumchivosti ulozhil on programmera spat' v OUT-direktorii, i,
edva usnul programmer snom krepkim oposlya trudov pravednyh, kak pri-
persya v entu samuyu direktoriyu mejl-robot tupovaten'kij da i upakoval
vse soderzhimoe (ibo skazano emu bylo - *.*) v prochnyj ZIP da i otpra-
vil ves' paket na krepkom attache v kraya chuzhedal'nye...
Istinno govoryu vam - bojtes' *.*!
Vot tak-to. Prosnulsya nash programmer, glyan' - a mesto-to i neznakomoe
vovse, krugom hold messadzhi valyayutsya, bardak, ni edinoj zhivoj dushi...
Koe-kak iz ZIP'a vybralsya, vstal, komputer svoj podobral, vokrug posha-
ril - nashel meshok krepkij s lyamkami, rukzak prozyvaetsya, zataril v ne-
go komputer - da i poshel sebe naruzhu... Na dorogu vyjdya, uzrel stolb
verstovoj/ ukazatel'nyj, glyanul na nadpisi - i zakruchinilsya... Ibo za-
neslo ego v kraya dal'nie, neizvedannye, a vchera vvecheru byl on rukoj
podat' ot doma svoego... No delat' nechego, pod lezhachij fajl bajt ne
teket', pustilsya on v dorogu mnogotrudnuyu...
I byl put' ego tyazhel i polon podvigov da svershenij, no ob etom otdel'-
nyj skaz govorit' nadobno... Zdes' skazhu o malom. Povstrechal on v puti
kak-to malyj messadzh, sirotinushku, po doroge zateryavshijsya. I podobral
on ego, obogrel/prikormil, i stal messadzh tot slugoyu ego vernejshim.
Ibo byl messadzh samuraem/kamikadze i umel sluzhit' ne shchadya zhivota svoe-
go... I byl u messadzha malogo gruz tajnyj - bomba strashnaya/razrushi-
tel'naya, zlobnyj vorog Kova Lev suprotiv Vladimira Krasnoe Solnyshko
posylal tot messadzh pod vidom privetstvij druzheskih. A stal messadzh
malyj predan dushoj i telom programmeru nashemu mnogostradal'nomu, i
otkryl emu sekret noshi svoej. I skazal programmer, bombu siyu uzrev -
strashnoe eto delo! I luchshe budet brosit' ee v gluhom uglu da podorvat'
- ibo mnogo zla prichinit' mozhet... I poreshili oni tak, i poshli proch'
ot dorogi proezzhej v ugol gluhomannyj.
No sluchilos' tak, chto proleg ih put' bliz logovishcha Uh Olkina, bandita
vsem izvestnogo da krovozhadnogo. I zaslyshal on rechi ih neostorozhnye vo
t'me nochnoj, i zlomyslil on napadenie zlodejskoe na putnikov mirnyh.
Vyskochil Uh Olkin iz-za ugla posered' tropki, past' zlobnuyu razzya-
vil... Stoit, kistenem poigryvaet', volos'ya svoi svivaet'/razvivaet'
da molvit rechi merzkie, ustrashayushchie... Mol, davaj-ka, putnik, syuda
torbu s dobrom - mozhet, zhiv ostanesh'sya... Storopel tut bylo programmer
nash ot zrelishcha takogo straholyudnogo, no messadzh vernyj za rukav ego
dernul da bombu podsunul. Usmehnelsya programmer nash neustrashimyj, be-
loj ruchen'koj vzmahnul - da i vpendyuril entu bombu pryam v past' Uh Ol-
kina razinutuyu! Uh Olkin, padla/vobla, past'-to ot zhadnosti i zashchelk-
nul - tut-to bomba i @#$&la!!! |h, itit' tvoyu nalevo, razneslo Uh Ol-
kina v klochki po zakoulochkam! I ne slyhal s toj pory nikto ob entom
razbojnike... A putniki nashi, veshchichki sobrav, obratno v put'/dorogu
pustilisya...
Tak vot, ogloedy! Takie vot geroi-to zhili v bylye vremena! A vy tol'ko
messadzham hvosty nakruchivat' gorazdy!
54. BBS -- eto programmno-tehnicheskij kompleks, prednaznachennyj dlya proverki
rabotosposobnosti modema, i nastrojki ego inicializacionnoj stroki.
55. : - nevidimka; :)=| - zhaba; :-‚€ - morda kirpichom.
56. "Mnogobajt slishkom mnogo".
57. Nado pereskazat' basnyu "Vorona i lisica" slovami ne dlin-
nee 4 bukv,
Sove Bog dal shmat syra. Sova sela na el'.
A syr v klyuv vzyal. ;)
A tut kak raz lisa idet.
- Hi, Sova! Kak dela, kak deti?
A Sova - ni gugu, tiho tak na eli sidya.
Lish' fary - hlop, hlop, kak by i net Lisy.
Tut Lisa sela pod el', iz repy chut' dym uzhe ne idet, izo rta - kap, kap.
Beda... Kak byt'?
A vot kak! Oret na Sovu: "|j, ty! Spoj mne blyuz, a ne to moj mech - tvoya
RAM s plech!"
Tut Sovu uzhas vzyal. Syra to zhal', a pet' nado! Pet' - tak pet'.
Nu, syr, yasno, upal. A tut kak raz Volk mimo shel.
On-to syr i s®el. I Lisu tozhe.
Tak-to vot...
Sove DOS dal SEG syra.
Sova sela na INT 3
A tut Lisa.exe RUN.
Opa! Sova.com - INT 27h! I syr u nee na INT 3!
Nu vashche! Ni tudy - ni syudy.
- |j, Sova! A nu goni syr s INT 3!
Sova: run time error...
Lisa: A nu swap syr na disk! (i na hot key!)
A sova lish' : Glyuk.. Glyuk..
Lisa na disk: ...file not found... |h!
- 8-() A nu goni syr, a to Ctrl-Alt-Del i ku-ku!
Sova: Kak byt'? ZHit'-to nado! Hot' i dura lisa, da i syra zhal'.
Rot open - a syr - BRYAK! I lise v lob.
- BUG!!! - oret lisa. - Help! I - NOT ROM BASIC...
Vot i davi RESET.
Ves' den' tovarishch Kommand Kom hodil prosvetlennyj. A vstretiv
grustnogo otca Vyndouza, dazhe pointeresovalsya uchastlivo:
- Ili sluchilos' chto, batyushka ?
- Vse ikony ukrali, - skazal otec Vyndouz i zaplakal.
- Ah oni nehristi, - radostno sochuvstvoval tovarishch Kommand Kom,
- Ah oni obolochki deshevye ! - I usy ego veselo shevelilis'.
Vozmozhny varianty: (Kill and Send)
Ubit' pered otpravkoj :-)
Ubit' posle otpravki :))
Ubit' vmesto otpravki :-)
Ubit' togo, kto otpravil... :(
Ubit', a trup otpravit' rodstvennikam :(((
Ubit', a to eshche otpravit !!!
Ubit' ili otpravit', vot v chem vopros...
No Kills ! No sends ! ( Deviz demonstracii )
Ubit' i otpravit' !
Otpravit', dognat' i ubit' !
Otpravit' na smert' !
Teper' uzhe vse v seti znayut, chto pochtu prezidentu SSHA
nuzhno posylat' po adresu president@whitehouse.gov, a pochtu vi-
ce-prezidentu -- po adresu vice-president@whitehouse.gov. Odna-
ko, bol'shinstvo ne znaet, chto pochtu dlya Hillari Klinton nado
posylat' po adresu root@whitehouse.gov.
Sizhu rabotayu, zahodit zhenshchina - professor dazhe - i govo-
rit: "YA edu v Moskvu mne nuzhna disketa, chtob tam zapisat' nech-
to." Dobryj chelovek, ponyatnoe delo, dal. A v rukah u nee ma-
len'kij takoj redikyul'chik, razmerom so shkol'nyj penal. Tak vot,
beret ona etu disketu i sladyvaet ee vchetvero, staratel'no pri-
minaya pal'cami linii sgiba. Tovarishch vpal v sostoyanie "tihogo
shoka"+ "gor'koe vospominanie o propavshej diskete" i sprosil u
nee: "CHto zhe vy delaete .... mat'(podrazumevalos')?" Otvet :
"Tak disk-to gibkij !!!"
Vot i vse ...
i vspomnil paru drugih ego (Primusa, klyatogo) zastavok:
Pervaya posvyashchalas' ocheredyam k processoru :
Naprasno ty vinish' v nepostoyanstve rok.
CHto ne v naklade ty, tebe i nevdomek
Kogda b on v milostyah svoih byl postoyanen -
Ty b ocheredi zhdat' svoej do smerti mog "
O. Hayam
Vtoraya zhe opisyvala obshchie svojstva predmetov, imenuEMYH "pRIMUS"
"Primus - shtuka predatel'ski nenadezhnaya. Inogda on NE RABOTAET
potomu, chto otkrovenno lomaetsya, a inogda ne rabotAET POTOMU,
chto prosto ne rabotaet "
SHalaev, "Kategoriya trudnostI"
(pro al'pinistov)
This has been circulating on the Usenet newsgroup :
God calls Bill Gates, Bill Clinton and Boris Yeltsin to his office and says,
"The world will end in 30 days. Go back and tell your people."
Yeltsin goes to the Russian people and says, "I have bad news and I have
worse news. The bad news is that we were wrong, there is a God. The worse
news is that the world will end in 30 days."
Clinton goes on TV and tells the American people, "I have good news and I
have bad news. The good news is that the basic family values upon which we
have based our lives are right; there is a God. The bad news is that the
world will end in 30 days."
Gates goes back to his executive committee and says, "I have great news and I
have fabulous news. The great news is that God thinks I'm important. The
fabulous news is that we don't have to ship Windows '95!"
Kak to popal odin Programist-narkoman v Ad
Proshla nedelya, cherti, znachit' begut k d'yavolu zhalovat'sya:
- Pomogi, govoryat oni emu, ne znaem chto s nim delat'!
- A chto sluchilos' to? Sprashivaet u nih d'yavol
- Da etot tovarishch poka ochnulsya, chto ne v DUM igraet, pol otdela
perestrelyal! :(
PRYAMOJ DOSTUP
(otryvok iz romana)
Don Trebor speshilsya u bashni |l'-Rekl, skol'znul k uzen'koj
dverce, shepnul znakomomu supervizoru parol': "Open-tip-zhi" - i
okazalsya v temnoj komnatushke vhodnogo klassa "D". Na polu
lezhala poloska sveta. Trebor glyanul v shchel' mezhdu port'erami.
Tak i est' - v kresle germozony sidel orel nash don Freddi. Ego
sobesednik sidel spinoj k dveri. Na polu shurshali listingi.
Sil'no dulo iz kondicionerov.
Don Freddi vnimatel'no slushal. Trebor tozhe prislushalsya - i
obomlel.
- Norfort sam zalinkuetsya po eploku, a abendovyj damp s ego
bloksajzom na sisprinte zazhuhnet po stopaftu. |to uzhe baler
14,15. Tiotno bylo by ciklanut' saver po didyam, da dsorgi u nih
nekompatabel'ny. Hotya, esli yunit s deferom, tak i zhisiel'
osovskij bez errora proskochit.
- Ne zafripulit'sya by po kloze s nashim yuzingom, - s
somneniem v golose probormotal don Freddi.
- Syadem na vejt po gluhomu vtoru, a potom zalodim linkedit
s parmom, no bez konda, - mahnul rukoj neznakomec, - i voobshche -
vashemu anlodu s nashimi openami apdatom na mauntovom tome ne
debno lkedit'sya. Po disibyam?
Don Freddi ostorozhno poshchupal lysinu vtoroj sistemy: -
Nu-u-u... Esli s didinejmom, i spejs abstrom..., - protyanul on.
- A esli rider na inpute zaspulit? Sidet' na dzhobnotrane?
Neznakomec dernul plechom: - Zaholdim k'yu i resetom sunem
pod shedulera, a rajter stopnem - pryamo na print vyskochim. Dazhe
esli divajs-chek, - restartuem ievl po tipranu s regionom i
tajmom cherez binarnyj dzhobstep. Vtok my zachitaem na pamyatya u
sebya v razdele, a iehmove s generoj i volserami vashi. Lepite
hot' putom, hot' rajtom - po sinadu i s rekformom!
Don Freddi reshilsya: - Po disibyam! I so rturnom!
Ego sobesednik progovoril, podnimayas': - Dva kila spejsa ya
vam peredam getmejnom cherez attach.
Tut on povernulsya v profil' i Trebor s izumleniem uznal
blagorodnogo don Reanda, kotoryj vchera tol'ko zagruzil
rezidenta s razvalennym vtokom. Aj da hvat, na takom dazhe s
nulevym klyuchom pojnt stavit' nekuda!
Vse bylo yasno: programmery dogovorilis'. So dnya na den'
sledovalo zhdat' pervogo shaga generacii. A tam i vhodnoj potok
ne za gorami. Ili kak govoryat v Soane: "Parmlib gavknetsya - v
Linklibe otkliknetsya!"
Trebor tiho uskol'znul iz dvorca i v sumerkah cherez
stobajtnoe pole parm dvoichnym poiskom poskakal na delovoe
svidanie s donom Vonavi, uzhe polchasa ozhidavshem ego v
vyravnennom na dvoichnoe slovo lesochke.
Eodadilos'...
R. de ZHiefsibi
CHechnya...
Vesna 1995 goda...
Boevye pozicii federal'nyh vojsk...
Peredyshka...
Umudrennyj opytom serzhant "zanimaetsya" so vzvodom novobrancev.
- Ivanov!
- YA!
- Dva shaga vpered... kru-gom... shag vpered... nale-vo...
kru-gom... padaj!
- Petrov!
- YA!
- SHag vpered... eshche dva shaga... napra-vo... shag nazad...
nale-vo... padaj!
- Sidorov!
- YA!
- Dva shaga vpered... kru-gom...
Iz okopa pokazyvaetsya zloj prapor.
- Serzhant, ... tvoyu mat'! CHechency v ataku poshli, a ty tut
opyat' tetrisom razvlekaesh'sya! :(
Tekst byl razoslan, no *ne* napisan Stivom Sammitom
Steve Summit scs@adam.mit.edu
Perevod s anglijskogo na russkij Aleksandra SHehovcova
als@vl.ts.kiev.ua
Vot dovol'no staryj tekst kotoryj zasluzhivaet vtorichnoj
rassylki. Moya kopiya datirovana iyunem 1986 goda; ya ne
predstavlyayu, skol'ko etomu tekstu na samom dele let i kto ego
napisal.
Po moemu vpechatleniyu u teh, kto videl etot tekst, fraza "sm.
ris. 1" nemedlenno voshla v zhargon. A kto-nibud' eshche ee
ispol'zuet?
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Pozhalujsta, perestan'te posylat' nam soobshcheniya ob oshibkah. |to
nasha sistema. My razrabotali ee, my sozdali ee i my ispol'zuem
ee dol'she chem vy. Esli vy polagaete, chto v nej otsutstvuyut
nekotorye svojstva, ili sistema ne tak effektivna, kak vam by
hotelos', ZATKNITESX! Ubirajtes' k chyartu, my v vas ne
nuzhdaemsya. Sm. ris. 1.
Zabud'te o svoej glupoj probleme; davajte pogovorim o nekotoryh
svojstvah nashej operacionnoj sistemy.
1) Opcii. My vveli ogromnoe ih mnozhestvo. Tak mnogo, chto vam
ponadobitsya para tolkovyh rebyat, chtoby razobrat'sya v
dokumentacii. Tak mnogo, chto rak svisnet ran'she, chem polovina
iz nih budet ispol'zovana. Tak mnogo, chto vam ne udastsya
ispol'zovat' ih pravil'no v lyubom sluchae. Odnako, kolichestvo
opcij ne tak uzh i sushchestvenno, potomu chto my ustanovili
nekotorye interesnye znacheniya dlya opcij i nazvali ih...
2) Umolchaniyami. My ustanovili nemalo umolchanij. Oni nam
nravyatsya. Esli by eto bylo ne tak, my by sdelali umolchaniyami
chto-nibud' drugoe. Tak chto uberite svoi gryaznye ruki ot nashih
umolchanij. Ne trogajte ih. Schitajte ih predopredelennymi.
"Predopredelennye umolchaniya" - zvuchit neploho! Esli vy ih
izmenite i vasha sistema zavisnet, zatknites'. Sm. ris. 1.
3) Kompilyatory. Oni rabotayut prekrasno. Poluchayut na vhod
ishodnye teksty i zachastuyu generiruyut ob®ektnye fajly kak
rezul'tat vashih usilij. Vam ne nravitsya rezul'tiruyushchij kod? Tem
huzhe dlya vas! Vy dazhe mozhete popytat'sya delat' sistemnye vyzovy
iz nego. Vo vseh sluchayah, kogda eto ne udaetsya, ispol'zujte
assembler, kak eto delaem my. My govorili s razrabotchikami
kompilyatorov i oni dumayut tak zhe, kak i my. Oni govoryat: "Sm.
ris. 1".
4) Otladchiki. Da, u nas est' otladchiki, odin my soprovozhdaem, a
drugoj ispol'zuem sami. No v lyubom sluchae vy ne dolzhny delat'
oshibki, eto vsego lish' pustaya trata vremeni. My nichego ne hotim
slyshat' ob otladchikah; nam eta tema neinteresna. Sm. ris. 1.
5) Oshibka pri zagruzke. Ne obrashchajte vnimaniya. Zachem nazhivat'
sebe yazvu? Vy ved' vse ravno ne zahotite peredat' nam svoyu
mashinu, chtoby my razbiralis' v vashej probleme, da i my,
veroyatno, ne smozhem razobrat'sya v lyubom sluchae. Da, i esli
chto-libo slomaetsya v promezhutke mezhdu 17:00 i 18:00 ili 9:30 i
10:30 ili 11:30 i 13:30 ili 14:30 i 15:30, to ne trat'te vashe
vremya na zvonki - nas net na meste. Sm. ris. 1.
6) Komandnyj yazyk. My razrabotali ego samostoyatel'no, on
prevoshoden. On nastol'ko nam nravitsya, chto my nazvali yazyk
nashim imenem. Dejstvitel'no, my tak schastlivy i dovol'ny s nim,
chto my sozdali ego odin raz dlya vseh nashih operacionnyh sistem.
My dazhe staraemsya sohranit' komandnyj yazyk neizmennym ot versii
k versii, hotya inogda my kardinal'no peresmatrivaem ego. Sm.
ris. 1.
7) Vypolnenie programm v real'nom vremeni. My etogo dobilis'.
Kto eshche mog sdelat' takuyu prekrasnuyu rabotu? CHto, sistema
kazhetsya medlitel'noj so svoimi 18-yu urovnyami prioritetov
processov? Nikakih problem, ustanovite vsem processam prioritet
1. V lyubom sluchae real'noe vremya ne stol' vazhno, kak ono
kazhetsya. My dazhe izmenili nazvanie nashej gruppy, chtoby
izbavit'sya ot slov "real'noe vremya". I my uzhe davnym-davno
posovetovali vsem nashim pol'zovatelyam, pytayushchimsya rabotat' v
real'nom vremeni, smotret' na ris. 1.
V zaklyuchenie, zasun'te podal'she vashe soobshchenie ob oshibkah.
Lyubite nashu sistemu ili ostav'te ee, no ne vyrazhajte svoe
nedovol'stvo.
---------------------------------
! _!
! { }!
! | |!
! | |!
!. -.!!. -.!
!. -!!!!. -.!
!!!!;!
! \;!
! \;!
!!:!
!! |!
!| |!
!!
! _______________________________!
Ris. 1.
From: mobil.perm.su!sae@pulsar.ac.msk.su (Alexander E. Soloviev)
Vot DOS, kotoryj postroil Majk!
Vot DOS, kotoryj postroil Majk!
A eto ASCII - tajnyh znakov tablica,
Kotoraya v pamati gde-to hranitsya
V DOS`e, kotoryj postroil Majk.
A eto NC v belosinem mundire,
Kotoryj kogda-to pod DOS zapustili,
Zabyli v nem russkuyu "r" iz tablicy,
Kotoraya v pamati gde-to hranitsya
V DOS`e, kotoryj postroil Majk.
A vot rezidenty sinicami skachut,
Iz nih hot' odin kak pit' dat' napartachit -
Zaklinit NC v belosinem mundire,
Kotoryj kogda-to pod DOS zapustili,
V kotorom zabyli pro "r" iz tablicy,
Kotoraya v pamati gde-to hranitsya
V DOS`e, kotoryj postroil Majk.
A eto vot fajl na vinchester posazhen,
Kotoryj konechno zhe chem-to zarazhen,
S nego rezident-to tot samyj i skachet,
Kotoryj chego-nibud' tam napartachit,
Kotoryj zaklinit Kommander v mundire,
Kotoryj kogda-to pod DOS zapustili,
V kotorom zabyli pro "r" iz tablicy,
Kotoraya v pamati gde-to hranitsya
V DOS`e, kotoryj postroil Majk.
A vot AIDSTEST - slovno vazhnyj ministr,
On fajl zarazhennyj vse hochet pochistit',
Kotoryj k nemu na vinchester podsazhen,
Kotoryj konechno zhe chem-to zarazhen,
S nego rezident-to tot samyj i skachet,
Kotoryj chego-nibud' tam napartachit,
Kotoryj zaklinit Kommander v mundire,
Kotoryj kogda-to pod DOS zapustili,
V kotorom zabyli pro "r" iz tablicy,
Kotoraya v pamati gde-to hranitsya
V DOS`e, kotoryj postroil Majk.
Vot autoexec (tak ego nazyvayut),
Kotoryj soboj AIDSTEST zapuskaet,
Kotoryj pyhtit, slovno vazhnyj ministr,
Kotoryj fajl hochet najti i pochistit',
Kotoryj k nemu na vinchester podsazhen,
Kotoryj konechno zhe chem-to zarazhen,
S nego rezident-to tot samyj i skachet,
Kotoryj chego-nibud' tam napartachit,
Kotoryj zaklinit Kommander v mundire,
Kotoryj kogda-to pod DOS zapustili,
V kotorom zabyli pro "r" iz tablicy,
Kotoraya v pamati gde-to hranitsya
V DOS`e, kotoryj postroil Majk.
A vot command.com, zarazhennyj bez mery,
Ved' eto s nego pakostyat TSR`y,
On autoexec pod soboj vypolnyaet,
Kotoryj soboj AIDSTEST zapuskaet,
Kotoryj pyhtit, slovno vazhnyj ministr,
Kotoryj fajl hochet najti i pochistit',
Kotoryj k nemu na vinchester podsazhen,
Kotoryj konechno zhe chem-to zarazhen,
S nego rezident-to tot samyj i skachet,
Kotoryj chego-nibud' tam napartachit,
Kotoryj zaklinit Kommander v mundire,
Kotoryj kogda-to pod DOS zapustili,
V kotorom zabyli pro "r" iz tablicy,
Kotoraya v pamati gde-to hranitsya
V DOS`e, kotoryj postroil Majk.
Cikl ALGORITMICHESKI NERAZRESHIMYE PROBLEMY
From: sae@mobil.perm.su (Alexander E. Soloviev)
PREDUPREZHDENIE.
Vse napisannoe zdes' mozhet absolyutno
ne sovpadat' s mneniem pishushchego.
1. YAzychestvo epohi algoritmizacii
0101010101
Vse yazyki programmirovaniya sozdavalis' kak samye luchshie - a poluchalis'
yazyki ni kuda ne godnye (s tochki zreniya vseh, krome avtorov). Fortran,
PL/1, Kobol... Prichem, Fortran, kak samyj negodnyj, byl i samym populyarnym.
I poportil zhe on krovi teoretikam za 25 let svoego procvetaniya - more.
Fortran-tarakan,
PLyushkin/1,
Kobol-osel.
Eshche i Algol byl, no na nem pisali bol'she dissertacii, chem programmy...
U nego bylo ne vse v poryadke s proishozhdeniem: on byl v izvestnoj stepeni
evropejcem. A eto uzhe ne sovsem Amerika.
Pravil'naya programma
soderzhit malo oshibok.
No kak opredelit', chto takoe horosho, v stol' delikatnoj sfere, kak
programmirovanie? Amerikancy popytalis' eto sdelat' po iniciative i pod
rukovodstvom voennyh. V rezul'tate, doroga k Ade okazalas' ustlana dobrymi
namereniyami i trupikami chelovechkov (solomennogo, derevyannogo, olovyannogo,
zheleznogo, pesochnogo, kamennogo i drugih). I v 80-om godu byla ob'yavlena
pobeda! No Pirrova, v smysle slozhnosti. Poetomu vnedryat' prishlos' ne bez
ugroz. Ada - eto proshloe i budushchee procedurnogo programmirovaniya. |to
vershina i apofeoz, no v forme tupika.
YAzyk - eto to, chto otlichaet
programmera ot cheloveka.
A assemblery i ne dumali kapitulirovat'. Za ih izoshchrennoj
(izvrashchennoj) vsedozvolennost'yu stoyali umelye ruki i krepkie golovy
nastoyashchih muzhchin-programmistov.
- Nu i tip!
- Net li na nego dannyh?
- Inkapsulirovat' takih nado!
- Bez prava randevu!
Dlya nih Ada, chto vzbesivshijsya slon dlya murav'ya-trudogolika.
Porochnaya praktika -
kriterij istiny.
No gibel' obychno prihodit s obratnoj storony. Vot, esli chitat'
teoretikov: Dejkstru, Hoara, da i togo zhe Bekusa (otrekshegosya ot svoego
rodnogo Fortrana), a potom delat' vse naoborot, to poluchish' yazyk Si. Bez
osobogo shuma i voennyh Dennis Ritchi yazyk Si i poluchil, sobrav vse myslimye,
a glavnoe - nemyslimye, bezobraziya voedino. Poluchilos' zdorovo.
Porochnaya istina -
stimul dlya praktiki.
Posle chego vopros vstal rebrom. Poskol'ku yazyk etot proignorirovat',
kak protivorechashchij vysokim kriteriyam programmistskoj morali, bylo nikak ne
vozmozhno - proignorirovali teoretikov. I okazalos', chto bez nih v
programmirovanii luchshe. No bol'shinstvo voobshche raznicy ne zametilo,
poskol'ku ne podozrevalo, chto v programmirovanii mozhet byt' teoriya,
metodologiya, tehnologiya i voobshche, chto v programmirovanii mozhet byt'
chto-libo, krome programmirovaniya. A pered licom Si ne tol'ko Fortran, no i
assemblery vynuzhdeniy byli s boyami ostavlyat' chip za chipom...
A vse-taki ona VIRTitsya!
Ryadom, no vysoko, stoyal Paskal' s uchitel'skoj ukazkoj. On seyal
razumnoe, dobroe, vechnoe. Prizyval k zdravomu smyslu. No narodu eshche so
vremen Fortrana bylo naplevat' na formalizaciyu semantiki. (Modula-2 voobshche
"ot kutyur" , a shabashit' luchshe v telogrejke). No predpriimchivyj uchenik
Borland uzhe podlozhil emu knopku na stul i na parte narisoval chto-to
graficheskoe...
Regulyarno vyrazhayas' -
grustno, gospoda!
No eto vse predistoriya. Novaya era nachalas', kogda "malen'kij trep-80"
obernulsya ob'ketnoj-orientirovannost'yu. No i tut poyavilis' mutanty i
isportili, esli ne vse, to mnogoe - rodilsya Si++. On postavil na genial'noj
idee krest! Prichem, dva raza.
2. Vavilonskoe yazykoznanie
Kogda Glavnyj Programmist reshil nakazat' vozomnivshih o sebe. On na
Vavilonskoj konferencii lishil ih vseh yazykov, krome Si. Razve chto predaniya
smutnye ostalis'...
B|JSIK
1 "U popa byla sobaka" goto 3
2 "I napisal" goto 1
3 "On ee ubil" goto 2
FORT
: Prost "dvazhdy dva kak" . ; OK!
APL
X <- Y <- ro/jota/@#$%&"~?h|Y
LOGO
CHerepashki-ninzya vse ushli na front, a bol'she nichego v yazyke net.
LISP
(((lambda YU ((((((((((kar(kar(kar(CHEESE))))))))))))))))))))))))(0)
REFAL
k'm_n_o_g_o__p_r_o_b_e_l_o_v ~ k'probel -|
k'besprobel ~ besprobel
PROLOG
appendiks ([H|L1],L2,[H|L3]) :-( appendiks (L1,L2,L3).
FP-Bekusa
Apply-To-All/Reply-To-Nobody [F o G] o H :<1,2,3>
OKKAM
PAR
ruka.levaya ? inmos
ruka.pravaya ! transputer
OPS-5
(P rak-svistnet ^ svist sssssss ^ mesto gora -> sozdat'-konferenciyu ^ lom)
S veroyatnost'yu 0.837465218456 i nechetkost'yu 0.8/0.8+0.9/0.9+1.0/7.0
... a dalee sovsem nerazborchivo.
Glavnoe v OOP (ne v Organizacii Osvobozhdeniya Palestiny, a v Ob'ektno
Orientirovannom Programmirovanii) - ne napryagat'sya. Esli nuzhna programma -
nado vzyat' ob'ekt, i pust' on budet programmoj. No ne zabyvaya, chto, v
sootvetstvii s rekursivnym materializmom, vsyakij ob'ekt sostoit iz
ob'ektov. I vse!
Dlya teh, kto ne ponyal - utochnyaem: voz'mem, naprimer, koshelek, kak
ob'ekt. Prezhde vsego nado pokazat', chto ego ne styanuli, a chestno
unasledovali. Sam koshelek - ot lyubimogo dedushki, a svojstva - ot
vyshestoyashchih koshel'kov. S pomoshch'yu Izi (pishetsya "is-a").
ob'ekt
|
koshel'ki, kak klass
|
koshel'ki dedushek, kak klass
|
koshel'ki lyubimyh dedushek, kak klass
|
bol'shie koshel'ki lyubimyh dedushek, kak klass
Koshelek sostoit iz sobstvenno koshel'ka i deneg. (Poskol'ku den'gi tozhe
ob'ekt, to i zdes' vopros nasledovaniya stoit ne menee ostro). Raz
sobstvenno koshelek bol'shoj, to i deneg tam mozhet byt' mnogo. Naprimer,
dedushka nakopil tam celyh sto rublej rublyami (otstav ot progressa na dve
reformy) i bol'she uzhe ni odin rublik ne vlezal v tugoj koshelek. A vnuk etu
makulaturu otdal svoemu vnuku, a sam polozhil v koshelek sto tysyach dvumya
kupyurami po pyat'desyat i eshche ujma svobodnogo mesta ostalos'. To est' dlya
raznyh kupyur ogranicheniya raznye na maksimal'nuyu summu. A minimal'naya summa
0 - dolgi v koshel'ke ne nosyat.
A dal'she samoe interesnoe.
Nado sdelat' tak, chtoby dostat' iz etogo koshel'ka 35 tysyach na konfetki
bylo NEVOZMOZHNO. Mozhno dostat' tol'ko 50 i poluchit' 13 tysyach sdachi (na dve
obyazatel'no obschitayut). I ne odnoj, a celoj kuchej denezhek (poskol'ku kupyura
v 13 tysyach vstrechaetsya dovol'no redko). V rezul'tate summa v koshel'ke
umen'shitsya, no denezhek stanet bol'she. Vse kak v zhizni. Tak chto peredayutsya
iz koshel'ka ne prosto summy (dannye), a konkretnye ob'ekty-kupyury (tochnee,
soobshcheniya - kakih i skol'ko). Tol'ko tak konkretno mozhet koshelek obshchat'sya s
vneshnim mirom (s drugimi koshel'kami, prodavcami, dolzhnikami, vorishkami...).
Den'gi dolzhny byt' v oborote, hranit' po koshel'kam - bol'shaya glupost'.
Poetomu vazhno pozdnee svyazyvanie. To est', pust' oni budut i v raznoj
valyute i v beznale i v kreditnyh kartochkah i v chekah. A v koshelek popadut v
samyj poslednij moment, kogda za uslugi nado platit' nalichnymi v valyute i
vpered (avtor imel v vidu vsego lish' vzyatku). No dlya etogo nuzhna
interpretaciya. A ee nikto ne lyubit. I ne tol'ko kompilyatory, a prezhde vsego
sama mashina Fon-Nejmana.
1. Odnazhdy Dejkstru sprosili:
- Slabo napisat' programmu po predvaritel'no formalizovannym usloviyam.
- Slabo! - otvetil velikij programmist i ubezhal pisat' genial'nuyu
knigu o slabejshih predusloviyah.
2. Odnazhdy Hoar zanimalsya v Belfaste verifikaciej programm
posledovatel'no operator za operatorom s pomoshch'yu uslovij pravil'nosti. No
ne menee posledovatel'no terroristy tam zhe zanimalis' terrorom. Vzryvy
ochen' meshali rabotat'. Togda Hoar napisal monografiyu "Vzaimodejstvuyushchie
posledovatel'nye processy". No iz Belfasta vse-ravno uehal, poskol'ku
terroristy ego knig ne chitali, i meshali rabotat' kak ni v chem ne byvalo.
3. Odnazhdy Flojd rassypal kolodu perfokart, a kogda sobral ih v drugom
poryadke - programma pochemu-to ne poshla. Togda on pridumal
nedeterminirovannoe programmirovanie. No na russkij etu rabotu ne pereveli,
poskol'ku predvideli, chto perfokarty cherez dvadcat' let konchatsya. V
otchayanii Flojd pridumal mnogo drugogo, no bylo pozdno - very emu uzhe ne
bylo.
4. Odnazhdy Skott poluchil T'yuringovskuyu premiyu za vydayushchijsya vklad v
programmirovanie. No poskol'ku za svoyu zhizn' on ni odnoj programmy ne
napisal, to na torzhestvennom vruchenii torzhestvenno poobeshchal i vpred' ne
pisat'.
5. Odnazhdy Kodd predlozhil teoriyu otnoshenij. |to ne sovsem, chtoby
teoriya otnositel'nosti, poskol'ku tyanula lish' na T'yuringovskuyu premiyu. No
otnositel'nye banki sdelali na etom sostoyaniya razrabotchikam na znachitel'no
bol'shuyu summu, chem vse Nobelevskie premii vmeste vzyatye. Tak chto vse
otnositel'no.
Hello Sergey!
Thursday August 03 1995 04:22, Sergey Troffimovsky wrote to All:
ST> Sovsem durnoj stal. Polzaet u menya komar po ekranu,
ST> u dumayu - nu nichego, sejchas v golded zajdu, potom kak-nibud' v eto okno
ST> pereklyuchus' - dob'yu ego.
Komar - zver' zagadochnaya. Kogda ya nedavno v komandirovku letal,
v Ufu, my tam posle raboty otpravilis' "za gorod", pobrodili, a
kogda v gostinice rubashku snimal, na nej v ryad sideli shtuk
vosem' komarov, zadumchivo pogruziv svoi igly kuda-to vdal', pod
tkan'. Po-vidimomu, oni byli v transe, i ih zanimalo lish' samo
dejstvo, a ne rezul'tat. Kogda ya vynes rubashku na balkon i
vstryahnul, odin komar uletel, a ostal'nye obizheno potoptalis'
na meste, zasunuv nosy eshche glubzhe. YA togda podumal, chto by mne
eshche s nimi sdelat', to li blyudechko s molokom pod tkan'
postavit', to li naoborot, nosy im iznutri pozagibat'?
Edinstvennaya del'naya mysl', prishedshaya mne v golovu (v dva chasa
nochi posle 20-chasovogo kopaniya v elektronike), tak eto
skopirovat' u komarov proshivku, i posmotret' debagerom, pochemu
oni glyuchat i visnut. Pri vospominanii o proshivkah mne stalo
durno, i ya poshel spat', a utrom obnaruzhil na balkone svoyu
pustuyu (vidimo, dosuha vysosanuyu) rubahu. Zato uzhe po priezdu
mne vsyu noch' snilsya son, chto ya dizassembliruyu 32K proshivki
komara, usilivayu pisk, zabivayu NOP'ami vyzov funkcij sosaniya i
menyayu JZ na JNE v podprogramme poiska zhertvy, chto dolzhno bylo
privesti k tomu, chtoby komar sharahalsya ot vsego teplogo i
vkusnopahnushchego. Pod utro mne prisnilos', chto ya uzhe zasunul
komara vsemi ego nogami v panel'ku programmatora, i zapisal v
nego novyj kod, no okazalos', chto pri zagruzke komar schitaet
CRC svoej proshivki, i on zavis, preryvisto pishcha. Ot dosady ya
prosnulsya. No mechta proshit' v komarov distancionnoe upravlenie
i sound (chtoby slabat' na komarah igrushku s poletami, bitvami i
zastavit' ih pet' horom melodii) ostalas'...
/Alex
P.S. Vo sne ya eshche vyyasnil, chto kryl'ya podnimayutsya i opuskayutsya
po frontam signala s tajmera, a upravlenie poletom proizvoditsya
fazoj i skvazhnost'yu!
Programmer, stoitel' i hirurg -sporyat, ch'ya professiya ran'she poyavilas'.
Hirurg govorit - Bog, sdelal Evu iz rebra Adama, hirurniya byla pervoj!
Stroitel' - Snachalo Bog sotvaril Zemlyu, Gory, Reki i t. d. stroitel'stvo
bylo pervym.
Programmer: - Rebyata, a kto zhe togda sozdal haos
Modem s boduna snimaet trubku:
Gav! Myayauuuu.. Karrr! T'fu, pi-i-i-i-i-...
CHastushki ot Windows
Kak popalo, vkriv' i vkos',
|ndi stavit poluos'.
Esli v krane net vody,
Kto-to topit v nej vindy.
CHto-zh za eb@hh@R b^Rd'
vindofs 95?
Het! Vonyuchij polu os' -
huzhe, chem nezvannyj gost'.
A glyukavyj Vyndovoz
luchshe zakopat' v navoz
|to nedorazumenie -
Vindovsom isportish' dazhe udobreniya.
Na dvore stoit moroz -
Znat' ne zrya rabotal DOS.
S motitora stalo kapat' -
|to glyuchit MelkoMyakot'!
Nado Gejtsa vyzyvat',
Pi%$yulej emu vstavlyat'...
Iz-pod kryshki lezut Bagi -
|ti Bagi - ot CHikagi,
Nadoelo bajty zhrat',
Tabunom poshli po%$at'...
Mat' u pen'tyuha slegla -
Znat' CHikaka dovela...
Gejts byl ochen' skromnyj mal'chik,
No v Okno zasunuv pal'chik,
On reshil: "Pust' vse uznayut,
CHto ot Okon pogibayut!"
Nezhna natura u Vindov,
Kak tonkij sloj vesennih l'dov!
Lish' chut' usilitsya techen'e...
CHto? Bol'no vspomit' ogorchen'e? ;)))
Pokladem na polu-os' !
Budem vmeste yuzat' Dos' !
From: "Vladimir V. Sivchik"
2. "A vy mogli by ?", 1913
Naskol'ko moj komputer ruhlyad',
nastol'ko dushe prepogano;
ya videl kak vnezapno tuhli
kosye skulishchi ekrana.
Na cheshue steklyannoj glyby
prochel ya zov nazhat' RESET.
A vy
v DOOM poigrat'
smogli by,
kogda chetyreh Meg-ov net?
Dos i vindos -
horosho,
tol'ko YUniks -
luchshe.
YA b na YUniks
pereshel -
pust'
menya
nauchat !
|j ty,
s trehdyujmovkoj
sbojnoj,
s lysinoj
i soplivym
nosom,
gde YUniks -
tuda
nepristojno
lezt'
so svoim
dosom.
A ty,
chto pyalishsya stervoj ?
Ne pereprygnuv,
ne govori
"op-pa".
Svoj vindos
tri
te che ka
pervyj
Zasun'
ty sebe
v ... !
Ne nado
tarashchit'
zenki,
vas v detstve,
vidat',
ne poroli,
sobrat' by
vas vseh -
i k stenke...
byla by
moya
volya !
Stydno, tovarishchi,
stydno !
Iz-za vas
zhizn' skuchna,
porochna.
Ne pobedil kommunizm -
obidno,
YUniks
pobedit -
eto tochno !
From: Artur Svider
Poznakomit'sya hochu ya
s programmistom Fedeyu
Nu a on ne zamechaet
moyu multimediyu.
Programmistku pri lune
YA pogladil po spine
A ona mne: "Pogodi,
Sperva myshkoj povodi"
----------------------------------
Edet kak-to v odnom avtomobile strannaya kompaniya: avtoritet,
biznesmen i programmist. Edut - edut.... Vdrug avto
ostanovilos' - i ni tudy, ni syudy. CHto-to tam slomilos',
koroche. Tak poluchilos', chto v mashinah nikto iz nih ne
razbiraetsya. Dumayut, chto zhe delat' ?
Pervym zagovoril avtoritet, dostavaya sotovyj radiotelefon:
- Sejchas zvyaknu svoim rebyatam - cherez 5 minut novuyu tachku
podgonyat ! Kakuyu zakazyvaem ?
Vtorym podal golos biznesmen:
- Predlagayu takoj variant. Sejchas my prodaem etu mashinu,
registriruem na vyruchennye den'gi AO ochen' zakrytogo tipa,
rasprostranyaem akcii AO sredi mestnogo naseleniya, investiruem
kapital v novyj avtomobil' i umatyvaem !
"A mozhet, vyjdem iz mashiny i snova zajdem ? Glyadish' - ona i
poedet",-robko molvil programmist...
"Predstav'te sebe, - skazal ya shefu, - my podklyuchaem k
komp'yuteru vyazal'nuyu mashinu i vyazhem fufajki po nashej baze
dannyh. Klienty prihodyat k nam v ofis, p'yut kofe, smotryat na
ekran i vybirayut sebe fufajki. My ekonomim kuchu deneg i uhodim
domoj zasvetlo."
CHerez nedelyu my kupili vyazal'nuyu mashinu.
-----------------------------------------------
/*
TOP SECRET Microsoft(c) Code
Project: Chicago(tm)
Projected release-date:
Spring 1995
*/
#include
#include
#include
#include "win31.h"
#include "evenmore.h"
#include "oldstuff.h"
#include "billrulz.h"
/*
Reference:
Internal memo #99281-95 from:
William H. Gates III
to:
Executive managers Chicago(tm)-project
William H. Gates III wrote:
"I have serious doubts about the 'EASY' installation-definition.
It might prevent customers to think that they actually bought something
_good_. Therefore I want the installation-definition to be 'HARD'.
Carry on,
God^H^H^HBill
*/
#define INSTALL = HARD
void main()
{
while(!CRASHED)
{
display_copyright_message();
display_bill_rules_message();
do_nothing_loop();
if(first_time_installation)
{
make_50_megabyte_swapfile();
do_nothing_loop();
totally_screw_up_HPFS_file_system();
search_and_destroy_the_rest_of_OS/2();
hang_system();
}
write_something(anything);
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
do_some_stuff();
if(still_not_crashed)
{
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
basically_run_windows_3.1();
do_nothing_loop();
do_nothing_loop();
}
}
/*
Reference:
Internal memo #99683-95 from:
Executive managers Chicago(tm)-project
to:
William H. Gates III
Executive managers Chicago(tm)-project wrote:
"Dear Sir,
Since we have found that this last piece of code within the 'if'-statement
will never execute, we descided NOT to include it in the final code.
This way we will save atleast another 5 megabytes of consumer-diskspace!
Thank you for listening to us,
the executive managers of the Chicago(tm)-project
"
*/
/*
if(still_not_crashed)
{
write_cheer();
finished();
}
*/
create_general_protection_fault();
}
*******************************************************************************
Windows: Just another pain in the glass
Double your drive-space: delete Windows !
Ever noticed how fast Windows runs ? Neither did I !
Windows: Turn your Pentium into an XT ...
Windows: The Gates of hell
Windows - The colorful clown suit for DOS
Windows'95 is out! (PC Magazine, April 2013)
MS-Windows could use yet another liposuction
Windows: XT emulator for an AT
Windows is for fun, OS/2 is for getting things done
OS/2 VirusScan -- "Windows found: Remove it? [Y,n]"
Windows'95: New look, same multicrashing
Windows isn't a virus, viruses do something
Help! There are Windows everywhere! In my car, my house
MicroSoft's marketing: "Windows is SEMI-shareware"
Windows: From the people who brought you EDLIN !
Time on your hands ? Get Windows !
"Fer sail cheep, Windows spel chekcer, wurks grate"
Microsoft Windows ... a virus with mouse support
Microsoft gives you Windows ... OS/2 gives you the whole house
Newsflash: Microsoft announces Visual Edlin for Windows
Sorry, this virus requires MicroSoft Windows 3.x
A computer without Windows is like a fish without a bicycle
Are you using Windows or is that just an XT ?
Bang on the LEFT side of your computer to restart Windows
Beat me, whip me, make me use Windows !
Breaking Windows isn't just for kids anymore ...
Bugs come in through open Windows
Coming soon: EDLIN for Windows
DOS 6.0 and Windows 3.1 - A turtle and its shell
DOS is just an operating system that runs Windows 3.1
Data to Picard: "No, Captain, I do NOT run WINDOWS !"
Despite my car having windows, it still isn't mouse driven !
Difference between a virus and windows ? Viruses rarely fail
Error #152 - Windows not found: (C)heer (P)arty (D)ance
Error 005: Windows loading - come back tomorrow
Exhibitionists love Windows
Father, forgive me, I've been caught using Windows ...
Have you crashed your Windows today ?
I can't wait for EDLIN to be ported for Windows
I still miss Windows, but my aim is getting better
I'll never forget the 1st time I ran Windows, but I'm trying ...
If I wanted Windows, I'd live in a greenhouse !
If Windows is user-friendly, why do you need a 678-page manual ?
If Windows sucked it would be good for something
Masochist: Windows programmer with a smile !
My latest screen saver: Curtains for Windows
New Windows 4.0: programmed in Turbo Logo++
New from McAfee: WinScan - Removes all Windows programs
OS/2 ... Opens up Windows, shuts up Gates
Out of disk space - Delete Windows ? [Y]es [H]ell yes!
Relax ... you are entering a windows free zone
Some windows were made to be broken
Windows - so intuitive you only need a meg of help files !
Windows 3.1 - The best $89 solitaire game you can buy
Windows 3.1 vs OS/2 = Michael Jackson vs Mike Tyson
Windows95 will be released as soon as Windows 3.1 finishes loading
Windows Multitasking: screwing up several things at once
Windows NT: Nice Try
Windows NT: Insert wallet into Drive A: and press any key to empty
Windows - A solitaire game that requires 16 MB and HD
Windows has the ability to screw up 2 things at the same time !
Windows ? We don't need no stinking Windows !
*******************************************************************************
And more...
Undocumented error-codes in Windows 95
Recently the following undocumented error-codes were found. Micro$oft
forgot to explain them in the manuals, so they will be spread via the internet:
WinErr: 001 Windows loaded - System in danger
WinErr: 002 No Error - Yet
WinErr: 003 Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every file
WinErr: 004 Erronious error - Nothing is wrong
WinErr: 005 Multitasking attempted - System confused
WinErr: 006 Malicious error - Desqview found on drive
WinErr: 007 System price error - Inadeqaute money spent on hardware
WinErr: 008 Broken window - Watch out for glass fragments
WinErr: 009 Horrible bug encountered - God knows what has happened
WinErr: 00A Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full
WinErr: 00B Inadeqaute disk space - Free at least 50MB
WinErr: 00C Memory hog error - More Rame needed. More! More! More!
WinErr: 00D Window closed - Do not look outside
WinErr: 00E Window open - Do not look inside
WinErr: 00F Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened
WinErr: 010 Reserved for future mistakes by our developers
WinErr: 011 Window open - Do not look outside
WinErr: 012 Window closed - Do not look inside
WinErr: 013 Unexpected error - Huh ?
WinErr: 014 Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of.
WinErr: 018 Unrecoverable error - System has been destroyed. Buy a new one. Old windows licence is not valid anymore.
WinErr: 019 User error - Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not!
WinErr: 01A Operating system overwritten - Please reinstall all your software. We are terribly sorry.
WinErr: 01B Illegal error - You are not allowed to get this error. Next time you will get a penalty for that.
WinErr: 01C Uncertainty error - Uncertainty may be inadeqaute.
WinErr: 01D System crash - We are unable to figure out our own code.
WinErr: 01E Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait.
WinErr: 01F Reserved for future mistakes of our developers.
WinErr: 020 Error recording error codes - Remaining errors will be lost.
WinErr: 042 Virus error - A virus has been activated in a dos-box. The virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will
automaticly be closed and the virus will be activated again.
WinErr: 079 Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been installed. Please click the left mouse button to continue.
WinErr: 103 Error buffer overflow - Too many erros encountered. Next errors will not be displayed or recorded.
WinErr: 678 This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
WinErr: 683 Time out error - Operator fell asleep while waiting for the system to complete boot procedure.
WinErr: 815 Insufficient Memory - Only 50.312.583 Bytes available.
Windows95 Annoyances, Copyright (C) 1995 - 1997 Creative Element.
A vot tut vot smotrel mul'tik "Ostrov Sokrovishch" KievNauch-
Fil'ma (ochen' rekomenduyu) i edakuyu pesenku tam speli dva
pirata primenitel'no k Billu Gejtsu.
V pravoj kolonke - golos Dzhigarhanyana (DZH.), a v levoj -
tonkij (TN.) golosok, ne znayu chej...
DZH.: Damy i gospoda! Sejchas Vy uslyshite tragicheskuyu i
pouchitel'nuyu istoriyu o mal'chike Billi, kotoryj ochen' lyubil
den'gi.
TN. DZH.
-Rasskazyvaj!
S rozhdeniya Billi paj-mal'chikom byl. -Molodec!
Imel Billi hobbi - on den'gi lyubil. -Horoshij mal'chik!
Lyubil i kopil.
- CHto bylo dal'she?
Vse deti kak deti, zhivut bez zabot,
A Bill na diete - ne est i ne p'et - -Bednen'kij mal'chik!
V kopilku kladet.
Pr:
Den'gi, den'gi, drebeden'gi,
Pozabyv pokoj i len'
Delaj den'gi, delaj den'gi,
A ostal'noe vse - drebeden'.
A ostal'noe vse - drebebeden'.
-Dal'she chto bylo?
Zdes' penni, tam shilling, a gde-nibud' - funt.
-Bol'shie den'gi!
Stal Billi moshennik, moshennik i plut.
-Pochemu moshennik i plut?
Skopil celyj pud. -Aga, molodec.
No v tom-to i delo, chto on ne odin, -Pochemu?
Kto bol'she vseh den'gi na svete lyubil. -Nash chelovek, nash.
Vot eto zabyl.
Pr:
Den'gi, den'gi, drebeden'gi,
Pozabyv pokoj i len'
Delaj den'gi, delaj den'gi,
A ostal'noe vse - drebeden'.
A ostal'noe vse - drebebeden'.
AP> Tut moi YUzery trebuyut ot menya polnoj rusifikacii vseh prog,
AP> a ya nikak ne mogu perevesti slovo na pipke "Ok", poslednij
AP> raz pisal "Dalee", no znakomye programmery skazali chto deskat'
AP> dolzhna byt' i knopka "Ranee" i t.p. i t.d. :-) ...
Varianty:
1. Mit'kovskij "Dyk!"
2. Odesskij "Nu?"
3. Armejskij "Est'!"
4. Pionerskij "Gotov!"
5. Programistskij " 1Dh "
6. Podvisyuchij "Hren!"
7. Narkomanskij "Gonish'!"
8. Netopyre-filinskij "Ugu!"
9. Lamerskij "Oj!"
10. YUzerskij "Schas!"
11. Sisopskij "Alt-H"
12. Zlobnyj "Reset"
13. Moj ;) "Bred..."
YUrij Nesterenko
Esli vdrug tvoya mashina
Ne rabotaet, kak nado,
To po materinskoj plate
Sil'no stukni kulakom.
Ne pomozhet - bej kuvaldoj,
Daj nogoj po monitoru...
Ob®yasnish' potom nachal'stvu :
"Ona pervoj nachala !"
Esli vdrug na tvoj komp'yuter
Prosochilsya zlobnyj virus,
Ne lechi ego Lozinskim:
Virus tozhe hochet zhit' !
Zarazhennye programmy
Raskidaj po BBS'am,
I tebya tvoi kollegi
Budut chasto vspominat'.
Podrazhanie Vl.Vishnevskomu
Vzbesilas' mysh'. Iz-za ugla
ZHuet ot printera bumagu..
Kogda-to belaya byla,
No tut ne mesto dlya pushistyh..
From: "Sadykov V A"
Newsgroups: relcom.humor
Subject: [News] Podrazhanie Vl.Vishnevskomu
I kazhdyj den' on formatiroval vinchester...
CD?! Tak eto zh trehdyujmovyj diskovod!
Vot etot fajl skopiruj... Ty kuda?! Na kseroks?!
CHto? Ne rabotaet? A v set' ego vklyuchili?
Net! Strimmer - ne SiDi, i muzyki ne budet!
A fajl - v arhiv... Ne trogaj dyrokol!
Ej? Windows? Da ona myshej boitsya s detstva!
Ty win nabral? Skorej Alt-F4!
A UNIX nam zachem? On luchshe Leksikona?
ZHmi Control, Shift - i na kover k nachal'stvu...
16 Meg? I Fortochkam vse malo?
F8 - Copy? Kto zh tebe skazal?
CHto? Virus sladkij chaj syuda nalil?
ZHdal chas. Potom nazhal Reset...
Stiral disketu? A teper' chto? Pod utyug?
Prikaz direktora? A ty ego - F8!
Esli by firmy, zanimayushchiesya programmnym obespecheniem,
soderzhali avialinii...
(Otforvardzheno iz seti JunkFAX firmy National Semiconductor)
Avialinii DOS
Passazhiry tolkayut samolet po vzletnoj polose do teh por, poka
on ne vzletit, zatem zaprygivayut na nego i letyat, poka on snova
ne opustitsya na zemlyu. Zatem vse povtoryaetsya snachala.
Avialinii QEMM
Polnost'yu analogichny avialiniyam DOS, no v polete u vas bol'she
mesta dlya nog.
Avialinii Mac
Vse styuardy, styuardessy, piloty, kassiry i tehnicheskij
personal vyglyadyat odinakovo, govoryat odinakovo i dejstvuyut
odinakovo. Kazhdyj raz, kogda vy interesuetes' kakimi-libo
detalyami, vam ob®yasnyayut, chto vy eto ne obyazany znat', chto vy
etogo ne hotite znat', chto vse budet sdelano bez vashego uchastiya
i voobshche prosyat vas zatknut'sya.
Avialinii OS/2.
Dlya togo, chtoby popast' v samolet, vy dolzhny postavit' na
svoem bilete 10 raznyh pechatej, prostoyav dlya etogo v desyati
raznyh ocheredyah. Zatem vy zapolnyaete anketu, v kotoroj
ukazyvaete, gde imenno vy hotite sidet', a takzhe soobshchaete, kak
dolzhen vyglyadet' samolet -- kak okeanskij lajner, kak
passazhirskij poezd ili kak avtobus. Esli vam vse-taki udaetsya
okazat'sya na bortu, a samoletu udaetsya vzletet', to vashemu
poletu nichto ne ugrozhaet za isklyucheniem teh momentov, kogda
ruli vysoty i zakrylki zaedayut v odnom polozhenii -- v etom
sluchae u vas ostaetsya dostatochno vremeni, chtoby pomolit'sya i
zanyat' polozhenie dlya avarijnoj posadki.
Avialinii Windows
Aeroport krasiv i prekrasno blagoustroen, kassiry i styuardessy
privetlivo ulybayutsya, popast' na bort samoleta proshche prostogo,
a vzlet prohodit bez suchka bez zadorinki. Zatem v polete
samolet vnezapno vzryvaetsya bez vsyakogo preduprezhdeniya.
Avialinii Win NT
Passazhiry stroem vyhodyat na vzletnuyu polosu, horom proiznosyat
parol' i vystraivayutsya, obrazuya kontur samoleta. Zatem vse
sadyatsya na zemlyu i izdayut gudyashchij zvuk tak, chto sozdaetsya
vpechatlenie, chto vse letyat.
Avialinii UNIX
Vse passazhiry priezzhayut v aeroport s sobstvennymi detalyami ot
samoleta, zatem sobirayutsya na vzletnoj polose i nachinayut ego
stroit', ni na sekundu ne perestavaya sporit' o tom, kakogo zhe
imenno tipa samolet oni stroyat.
Avialinii Mach
|to avialinii novogo pokoleniya (NeXT generation ;) Samolet kak
takovoj otsutstvuet. Passazhiry sobirayutsya vmeste i horom ego
zovut, zatem zhdut, zhdut, zhdut, zhdut i zhdut. Zatem prihodit
drugaya gruppa lyudej, kazhdyj iz nih prinosit s soboj kusok
samoleta. Oni ustraivayutsya na vzletnoj polose i nachinayut etot
samolet sobirat', ni na sekundu ne perestavaya sporit' o tom,
kakoj imenno samolet oni sobirayut. Zatem samolet vzletaet, a
passazhiry ostayutsya na vzletnoj polose i zhdut, zhdut i zhdut.
Kogda samolet blagopoluchno prizemlyaetsya, pilot zvonit po
telefonu v aeroport otpravleniya, chtoby soobshchit' passazhiram o
tom, chto vse oni blagopoluchno dobralis' do mesta naznacheniya.
Avialinii Newton
Vy pokupaete bilety za 18 mesyacev do dnya vyleta i v
naznachennyj den' okazyvaetes' na bortu samoleta. Odin iz chlenov
ekipazha interesuetsya vashim imenem. Pravil'no eto imya rasslyshat'
emu udaetsya tol'ko s chetvertogo raza, posle chego on pozvolyaet
vam zanyat' svoe mesto. Kak tol'ko vy usazhivaetes', styuardessa
soobshchaet, chto process posadki neobhodimo povtorit', tak kak
samolet perepolnen i passazhirov neobhodimo zanovo pereschitat',
osvobodiv mesto dlya novyh.
Esli by programmy byli edoj. Opus.
1. Povara i konditery ne otvechali by za pishchevye otravleniya.
2. Delit'sya kuskom bylo by v bol'shinstve sluchaev vospreshcheno.
3. Vo vseh stolovyh na podnosah, na trotuarah i v obshchestvennyh
tualetah lezhali by ogryzki bulochek, zavernutye v bumazhki s
nadpis'yu "Esli vy s®eli etu bulochku, pozhalujsta, kupite celuyu!
Kupiv celuyu bulochku vsego za $29.99 vy poluchaete skidki pri
pokupke bOl'shego kolichestva bulochek za odin raz i skidki pri
pokupke bulochek sleduyushchej vypechki!"
4. K kazhdomu blyudu polagalas' by obshirnaya instrukciya, kak ego
est'. Vprochem, popytka s®est' produkt, rukovodstvuyas'
instrukciej, obychno privodila by k obshchemu otravleniyu.
5. K nekotorym produktam prilagalsya by spisok "O
nesovmestimosti sleduyushchih produktov i nashego pri sovmestnom
upotreblenii".
6. Vse produkty byli by prosto nashpigovany gajkami, shurupami,
dohlymi krysami i prochimi appetitnymi veshchami. Zvonok na
firmu-proizvoditelya:
"Da, my znaem o nalichii nekotorogo kolichestva strihnina v
nashih tortah i rabotaem nad tem, chtoby ego tam ne bylo. Poka
chto vy mozhete est' nash tort posle dvuhchasovogo vymachivaniya v
solenoj vode. Spasibo za zvonok."
7. Produkty dvuhmesyachnoj davnosti schitalis' by svezhimi.
S 27 noyabrya po 3 dekabrya
Oven.
Na etoj nedele vy poluchite primerno 10000 pisem ot vashih rodstvennikov,
znakomyh i po spiskam rassylki. Mnogo problem dostavyat podklyuchennye
k vashemu uzlu pol'zovateli. Veroyatno rezkoe uvelichenie
obshcheniya i kontaktov s lyud'mi na professional'noj pochve. Horoshij
den' -- sreda. V etot den' kanaly padat' prakticheski ne budut.
V chetverg nebol'shie problemy s den'gami - lichno vam prijdet 100M
ot sertificirovannyh serverov. V subbotu vas zhdet nebol'shaya poezdka
v bunker AO Relkom.
Telec.
Dostavit mnogo hlopot kollegam po rabote. On budet
nedovolen polozheniem del i budet pytat'sya chto-to izmenit' ili
zateyat' novoe delo. Perestavit uzlovuyu operacionku, pomenyaet vse paroli,
smenit adresa primary dns-ov, a dresa gateway-ev izmenit na edinicu.
Konflikty v sem'e budut prodolzhat'sya ves' noyabr', i v nekotoryh sem'yah
oni mogut pererasti v krupnye ssory ili dazhe razvody vvidu otsutstviya
vas doma. Horoshij den' -- voskresen'e, osobenno vecher - pivo budet
neissyakaemo (sm. goroskop na sleduyushchej nedele - ponedel'nik).
Bliznecy.
Budut zanyaty problemami svoih provajderov. Plohoe
material'noe polozhenie budet presledovat' vas vsyu nedelyu - prijdet
preduprezhdenie ob otklyuchenii. Nekotorye Bliznecy postarayutsya smenit'
professiyu na bolee vygodnuyu, naprimer na torgovlyu snikersami.
Udachnyj den' -- chetverg - zikseli u vas ne povisnut.
Rak.
Problemy s IP-transportom, vozmozhny nedostavki pochty ili
nedorazumeniya pri rasstanovke MX-ov i vasha pochta uedet v /dev/null.
Vyhodnye dni vy provedete v krugu sem'i, hotya raboty budet ochen' mnogo.
V odin iz dnej vozmozhen zvonok pol'zovatelya domoj v 3 chasa nochi.
Lev.
Ne sleduet zloupotreblyat' spirtnym, inache mogut vozniknut'
bol'shie problemy s marshrutizaciej. Na etoj nedele ne sleduet zanimat'sya
takimi veshchami, kak BGP, OSPF i sendmail.cf. V sredu -- neozhidannyj
Gossvyaz'nadzora. Horoshij den' - pyatnica, osobenno vecherom.
Opasajtes' lyudej s familiej Ermolaev.
Deva.
Budet zanyata rabotoj. Oshchushchaetsya ostraya nehvatka
denezhnyh sredstv dlya pokupki CS2511. Staratel'no vse
vzves'te pered tem kak perenesti uzel na novuyu mashinu.
|ta nedelya udachna dlya perehoda na FreeBSD 2.1.
Vesy.
Budut zanyaty remontom ili blagoustrojstvom svoego uzla i
rabochego mesta. Nakonec-to razberutsya s telefonnymi shnurami.
Trudnyj period vo vseh otnosheniyah. Bol'shoe kolichestvo vstrech i
peregovorov s razlichnymi instanciyami. Mogut vozniknut'
problemy s rabotoj INN i newsserv. Horoshij den' -- chetverg -
u vas opyat' konchitsya diskovoe prostranstvo v /var.
Skorpion.
Izmeneniya v rabote -- v luchshuyu storonu - udastsya postavit' pod uzel
Pentium. Dve-tri nedeli vy budete dovol'ny vsem, no opasajtes' zavisanij
i vypadenij processora iz ZIF-a.
V pyatnicu ili subbotu utrom --
neozhidannoe izvestie po povodu ischeznoveniya kanala na M9.
Strelec.
Vasha neusidchivost' mozhet dostavit' vam ujmu problem. Na etoj nedele nel'zya
primenyat' universal'nye patchi, kak by vam etogo ne hotelos'.
Vas mogut zanesti v kill-file. Opasajtes' dyrok v zashchite.
Blagopriyatnaya nedelya dlya obshcheniya s Anatoliem Lisovskim.
Kozerog.
Posle nebol'shogo zatish'ya, vnov' poyavlyayutsya novye gorizontal'nye
svyazi. Mogut byt' problemmy s anonsirovaniem vashih setej v EUNET.
Horoshij den' -- ponedel'nik.
Vodolej.
Problemy so zdorov'em vashego DNS. Vozmozhny zaciklivaniya i
expire vashih zon iz-za neverno postavlennyh serijnyh nomerov.
Izmenenie skorosti kanala v mci k luchshemu. V subbotu
vecherom vy nakonec skachaete novyj IOS. Ne perehodite dorogu pered
blizko idushchim kamazom.
Ryby.
Problemy s GL ne dayut vam zanyat'sya delami
po-nastoyashchemu. Problemy c uucp zastavlyayut vas nervnichat'
bol'she, chem obychno. Sovetuem popit' piva,
inache vozmozhen nervnyj sryv. Horoshij den' -- pyatnica.
Dyad'ka vyhodit na scenu i probuet mikrofon:
- Fyvap. Fyvap. Jcukeng...
Sbornik Marazmov Sovetskih Programmistov
From: Alexey Zubanov
Newsgroups: relcom.humor
Izdanie 1-e,
nedorabotannoe
PCS Corporation
Publishing Division
Moscow
-1991-
Vvedenie.
Vse eti bredni byli sobrany parnyami iz PCS Corporation,
kogda oni prohodili praktiku na UPK-2 Sevastopol'skogo r-na
g. Moskvy.
Osobaya blagodarnost':
SHCHerbakovu Andreyu,
Artemke (Istoriku) (Gannibal Co.),
Leshe Petrovskomu (puhlomu porosenochku),
Bahu,
Ramazanu,
mne, Mityayu Teplickomu
i drugim brederam, kotorye brodili v UPK-2
Vesna-Leto 1991.
Gorbushki sovetskih programmistov.
Rezistor na 2 kilobajta.
- Norton Commander dlya BK -- eto veshch' !
- Aga, a Stream Tracker dlya abaka eto prosto klass ...
"HAKERY VSEH STRAN OB¬EDINYAJTESX"
|tomu parazitu nado provoda otrezat'.
|h ty, zashchelka ot diskovoda.
SHCHa ves' v lente budesh' !!!
- Pochemu u tebya stol'ko oshibok ?
- |to Turbo Russkij ++
Diskovert - garnyj yashchik. Nehaj budem v em kukurudzu hraniti (ukr.)
Insertni disk v dyrku A, zakroj zagogulinu i plyuhnis' na lyubuyu keyu.
SHCHa pojdesh' v morg provoda rasputyvat'.
U, bestyzhie glaza, vse diski prokusal.
Magnit tebe v sumku.
Diski svezhie, ne ochishchennye.
Otpusti provod - mashine bol'no !!!
Pri nazhatii na klavishu mashina izdaet pohotlivye vopli ...
- A ot chago ona oret ?
- |to zvuk programmy, kotoruyu zazhivo spuskayut v unitaz.
Vyvesti by tebya v chistoe pole i nazhat' na Reset ...
Ne bud', chem diski formatiruyut.
K bor'be za chtenie chuzhih diskov, bud'te gotovy.
|tih idiotov nado otkryvat' cherez odnogo i stirat' po ocheredi.
Utopit' tebya v dannyh.
Vstupajte v obshchestvo bor'by s bor'boj s virusami
Uberi svoi gryaznye manipulyatory, pridurok.
- Slushaj, esli kilobajt - 1024 bajt, to kilobab -
- 1024 baby ?
- Da kuda tebe stol'ko !!!
CHtob tebe vsyu zhizn' na Fokale programmirovat'.
(Variant: CHtob tebe Si dlya kal'kulyatora uchit'.)
YA poet, zovus' Platosha,
Ot menya Vam vsem mikrosha.
(Pokazyvaetsya figa)
Kak izvrashchatsya, tak na moem diske.
Razvratnyj, kak Enter na "Korvete".
S'Escape'ivajsya otsyuda poka po Ctrl+Alt+Del'u ne poluchil.
Nu chto pishchish', kak dinamik ot ES'ki ...
Ty chto, kartridzha ob®elsya ?!
Ty, modem gramofonnyj, smodulirujsya bystro otsyuda !!!
- U tebya vse na diske ?!
- Ni bita sovesti u tebya netu !!!
- Ty, morda rezidentnaya, spolzi sejchas zhe s moej mashiny,
a to po FAT'u shvatish' !
- Ne kladi golovu na transformator - mozgi razmagnitish' ...
- YA tebe pokopiruyu, ya tebe pokopiruyu ! SHCHas tak udalyu,
nikakoj UnErase ne pomozhet !
- Ty, ezhik, konchaj vsyakie gadosti nabirat' - von uzhe monitor
krasneet !
- Vo chto ty vse vremya igraesh' - probel do pola prodavil !
- Ty ne hacker, ty fucker !
- A ya... A ya virus dlya kal'kulyatora napisal !
- Da-a ?! Na Borland C++ ili Turbo Basic ?
- Vojdi srochno v Turbo Pascal ! Nu bystrej, bystrej !
...
- Voshel ?! Nu i vyhodi !!!
- Nu chto eto za redaktor ! |to ne redaktor pryamo, a
Editor kakoj-to !
- Uh ty, kakaya veshch' ! Na chto ty nazhal ? Na chto ?!
Nu molodec ! Genij ! ... On tebe disk otformatiroval...
- Ty znaesh', DEC vypustila magnitofon dlya IBM !
- Aga, a eshche grammofon dlya Cray !
- SHCHas sotresh'sya otsyuda, dver' otkryt' ne uspeesh' !
- I-B-M-|r-C-A-T sovmistimyj s ... printerom !!!
- Obychno dlya hraneniya informacii i programm ispol'zuetsya
gibkij disk ili mozgi avtora ...
- Za takie igry avtorov nado zastavlyat' vinchester vruchnuyu
formatirovat' ili vmesto lenty v printer zaryazhat' ...
- Klaviaturu pozhevat' ne hochesh' ?
- Samyj korotkij virus napisan programmistom iz nashej firmy -
- on zanimaet 0 bajt, i dazhe avtor ne znaet, chto on delaet.
- Mikola, ya virus spymav !
- Tak tashchi ego syudy !
- U, yakij hitryj ! Ce tebe ni vedmevd' !
- Nu u tebya i shrift ! Huzhe, chem na abake !
- Molchi ! Ty i takoj isportish' !
- Kto trogal moyu mashinu, i vsyu vytrogal ?!!
- |...|...| ty mne sejchas disk porvesh !!!
- A pod skol'ko on u tebya ?
- Pod 720 ...
- Budut 2 po 360.
- Na duraka posmotret' hochesh ?
- Hochesh.
- Von, opticheskij disk v ES'ku suet.
- Diski ne nuzhny ?
- A novye ?
- Eshche devochki.
Nichto neestestvennoe ne postydno i pechataemo.
Unosya mashinu domoj, soskrebaj inventarnyj nomer.
Luchshe grohnut' prezidenta, chem pomayat' rezidentov ...
Sigaya v okno, zaveshchaj komu-nibud' diski.
CHem bol'she programm mozhet spisat' programmist, tem
vyshe on cenitsya.
Prezhde, chem steret' fajl s diska, ubedis', chto on ne tvoj !
Modem na 19 i 6 Kilobot dlya Mikroshi
Vidite li emu zahotelos' Wing Commander Sectrem Mission 2,
a Diger Secret Mission 2000 tebe maslom ne pomazat'.
CHto delaet chelovek, esli emu ponadobilis' noski? Nu, dolzhno byt', lezet v
kakoj-to shkaf, otyskivaet tam paket s noskami i vybiraet ottuda naibolee
podhodyashchie. Vne vsyakogo somneniya, s obychnym grazhdaninom vse primerno tak i
proishodit. I sovsem drugoe delo, esli on obladaet kakoj-nibud' komp'yuternoj
specializaciej. Predlagaem vashemu vnimaniyu nereprezentativnuyu vyborku reakcij
nekotoryh sub®ektov, podvergnutyh ispytaniyu poiskom noskov.
1. Vindyuk: Otkryvaet okno, lezet v nego, obrashchaetsya k shkaf-menedzheru,
prochesyvaet s ego pomoshch'yu vse polki, ne nahodit nichego podhodyashchego, tak kak
nichego pakovannogo ne vidit.
2. Vindyuk setevoj rabochegruppovoj: Smotri p.1; dalee sharit na polkah u svoih
sosedej. Esli nahodit noski u nih, tiho prisvaivaet.
3. Vindyuk 95-go razmera: Smotri p.1; prichem ishchet noski tol'ko 95-go razmera.
V konce koncov prekrashchaet poiski i pishet pis'mo Gejtsu s pros'boj prislat'
novye noski.
4. Vindyuk slovolyubivyj: Smotri p.3; prichem pishet eto pis'mo v 6-m oknoslovnom
formate s vklyuchennoj kartinkoj noska v razreze.
5. Vol'fodav: Zapisyvaetsya, priotkryvaet shkaf, daet v ego pugayushchuyu temnotu
ochered', otskakivaet za stvorku i zhdet, ne otzovetsya li kto; zatem vlamyvaetsya v
shkaf i proveryaet vse pakety na nalichie v nih sekretov. V sluchae neozhidannostej
inogda begaet na kuhnyu, posle chego snova zapisyvaetsya.
6. Dummer: Prikladyvaet uho k shkafu, vnimatel'no izuchaet potustoronnie zvuki;
dalee smotri p.5. Noski neredko nosit okrovavlennymi.
7. Kvestalker: Otpiraet shkaf, primeryaet vse podryad v raznyh kombinaciyah,
zatem suet vse soderzhimoe shkafa v chemodan - na vsyakij sluchaj. Dalee vremya ot
vremeni bezrezul'tatno ishchet noski v chemodane.
8. Gejmover: Ronyaet na sebya shkaf, posle chego nachinaet vse zanovo.
9. Uzer: Zovet yuzera i prosit najti emu noski, potom stoit ryadom i molka
smotryat.
10. YUzer: Klichet sistemasistika i predlagaet emu reshit' interesnuyu zadachu
poiska noskov, potom stoit ryadom i vremya ot vremeni govorit erundu.
11. Sisiemasistik: Dolgo rugaet uzera i yuzera za bestolkovost' i hoas v
shchkafu, rashoduet tri rabochih dnya na navedenie v shkafu malomal'skogo poryadka,
posle chego svobodnogo mesta v nem ne ostaetsya, i neobhodimye noski vykidyvayutsya
ottuda na pomojku.
12. Paskalyant: Otkryvaet obe stvorki shkafa, ishchet noski, nahodit chulki,
pereopredelyaet sobstvennyj tip, nadevaet chulki, krasit guby i saditsya za LINES.
13. Sych: Ishchet noski, ne nahodit, dolgo rugaet Borlanda, zatem polgoda stroit
v shkafu noskostroitel'nuyu fabriku.
14. Sych s pricepom: Smotri p.13; potom dolgo hodit ves' obveshannyj
raznocvetnymi noskami i hvastaetsya imi pered podrugami.
15. Asmatik: V shkaf ne lezet, odnako snimaet s sebya shtany, raspuskaet ih na
nitki, potom vyazhet iz nitok noski, kostyum-trojku, zanavesku na okna, a takzhe
postel'noe bel'e. Na navolochku nitok ne hvataet, i togda on raspletaet noski.
16. Haker: Razvorachivaet shkaf, vybivaet u nego zadnyuyu stenku, lezet vnutr',
rezhet vse pakety i tkani, poka ne nahodit noski. Nosit noski gordo, no v
glubokoj tajne (to est' v botinkah).
17. Bajsyak: Nahodit noski, no ne v silah ih nadet', tak kak slishkom stesnen
svezhimi pelenkami.
18. Buhgalter'er: Esli nahodit noski, to tut zhe pryachet ih tak, chto nikto i
nikogda ne najdet.
Poluchiv na uroke informatiki dvojku, Sidorov udalil stranicu i
pereformatiroval dnevnik.
Top Ten Signs That Linux Has Bill Gates Worried
* 10 - New numbering scheme. Instead of Windows95, it is now Windows
3.1.pl95.
* 9 - His wife says he's wild in bed now. He is tossing and turning in his
sleep, not just laying there.
* 8 - Microsoft's headquarter moves to Finland.
* 7 - Window's performance is now measured in BogoGPF's.
* 6 - Bill's consulting with his lawyers on whether or not they could defeat
the GPL.
* 5 - 1995 is here. Linux is here. Something isn't.
* 4 - Flowers sent to Janet Reno with a note saying "What's a little
anti-trust between friends."
* 3 - Renames Star Wars action figures as "Bill Skywalker" and "Darth
Torvalds"
* 2 - Whenever someone asks him about Windows, all he can say is "X"
* 1 - He sent Linus the source for Windows95 with a note that says "HELP ME
SAVE MY ASS!"
Brian A. Lantz(brian@lantz.com)
Last updated: March 1, 1995
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Take your time to understand this riddle.
This is the funniest message I have ever read.
GOD ONLINE
************************
In the beginning there was the computer. And God said
:Let there be light!
#Enter user id.
:God
#Enter password.
:Omniscient
#Password incorrect. Try again.
:Omnipotent
#Password incorrect. Try again.
:Technocrat
*
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
:Let there be light!
#Unrecognizable command. Try again.
:Create light
#Done
:Run heaven and earth
#And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
#Approx. funds remaining: $92.50.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
:Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light
#Unrecognizable command. Try again.
:Create firmament
#Done.
:Run firmament
#And God made the earth. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
#Approx. funds remaining: $84.60.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
:Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and let
the dry land appear and
#Too many characters in specification string. Try again.
:Create dry_land
#Done.
:Run firmament
#And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
#Approx. funds remaining: $65.00.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
:Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night
#Unspecified type. Try again.
:Create sun_moon_stars
#Done
:Run sun_moon_stars
#And God saw the day and the night. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
#Approx. funds remaining: $54.00.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
:Create fish
#Done
:Create fowl
#Done
:Run fish, fowl
#And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that
creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged
fowl after its kind. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
#Approx. funds remaining: $45.00.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6.
:Create cattle
#Done
:Create creepy_things
#Done
:Now let us make man in our image
#Unspecified type. Try again.
:Create man
#Done
:Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and have
dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air and over
every living thing that creepeth upon the earth
#Too many command operands. Try again.
:Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 6 errors.
:Insert breath
#Done
:Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 5 errors.
:Move man to Garden of Eden
#File Garden of Eden does not exist.
:Create Garden.edn
#Done
:Move man to Garden.edn
#Done
:Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 4 errors.
:Copy woman from man
#Done
:Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 3 errors.
:Insert woman into man
#Illegal parameters. Try again.
:Insert man into woman
#Done
:Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 2 errors.
:Create desire
#Done
:Run multiplication
#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
:Create freewill
#Done
:Run freewill
#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
:Undo desire
#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
:Destroy freewill
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
:Help
#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
:Create tree_of_knowledge
#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
:Create good, evil
#Done
:Activate evil
#And God saw he had created shame.
*
#Warning system error in sector E95. Man and woman not in Garden.edn.
1 errors.
:Scan Garden.edn for man, woman
#Search failed.
:Delete shame
#Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.
:Destroy freewill
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
:Stop
#Unrecognizable command. Try again
:Break
:Break
:Break
#ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER GOING DOWN FOR
REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES. PLEASE LOG OFF.
:Create new world
#You have exceeded your allocated file space. You must destroy old files
before new ones can be created.
:Destroy earth
#Destroy earth: Please confirm.
:Destroy earth confirmed
#COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME SUNDAY, MARCH 6 AT
6:00 AM. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW.
#And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Saturday, March 5.
#Approx. funds remaining: $0.00.
To
Igor Roshchin's homepage.
Some Important Theological Questions are Answered if we think of God as a
Computer Programmer.
Q: Does God control everything that happens in my life?
A: He could, if he used the debugger, but it's tedious to step through
all those variables.
Q: Why does God allow evil to happen?
A: God thought he eliminated evil in one of the earlier revs.
Q: Does God know everything?
A: He likes to think so, but he is often amazed to find out what goes
on in the overnite job.
Q: What causes God to intervene in earthly affairs?
A: If an critical error occurs, the system pages him automatically and
he logs on from home to try to bring it up. Otherwise things can
wait until tomorrow.
Q: Did God really create the world in seven days?
A: He did it in six days and nights while living on cola and candy
bars. On the seventh day he went home and found out his girlfriend
had left him.
Q: How come the Age of Miracles Ended?
A: That was the development phase of the project, now we are in the
maintenance phase.
Q: Will there be another Universe after the Big Bang?
A: A lot of people are drawing things on the white board, but
personally, God doubts that it will ever be implemented.
Q: Who is Satan?
A: Satan is an MIS director who takes credit for more powers than he
actually possesses, so people who aren't programmers are scared of
him. God thinks of him as irritating but irrelevant.
Q: What is the role of sinners?
A: Sinners are the people who find new an imaginative ways to mess up
the system when God has made it idiot-proof.
Q: Where will I go after I die?
A: Onto a DAT tape.
[At least its not an 8mm tape.]
Q: Will I be reincarnated?
A: Not unless there is a special need to recreate you. And searching
those .tar files is a major hassle, so if there is a request for you,
God will just say that the tape has been lost.
Q: Am I unique and special in the universe?
A: There are over 10,000 major university and corporate sites running
exact duplicates of you in the present release version.
Q: What is the purpose of the universe?
A: God created it because he values elegance and simplicity, but then
the users and managers demanded he tack all this senseless stuff onto
it and now everything is more complicated and expensive than ever.
Q: If I pray to God, will he listen?
A: You can waste his time telling him what to do, or you can just get
off his back and let him program.
Q: What is the one true religion?
A: All systems have their advantages and disadvantages, so just pick
the one that best suits your needs and don't let anyone put you down.
Q: Is God angry that we crucified him?
A: Let's just say he's not going to any more meetings if he can help
it, because that last one with the twelve managers and the food
turned out to be murder.
Q: How can I protect myself from evil?
A: Change your password every month and don't make it a name, a common
word, or a date like your birthday.
Q: Some people claim they hear the voice of God. Is this true?
A: They are much more likely to receive email.
Q: Some people say God is Love.
A: That is not a question. Please restate your query in the form of a
question.
Abort, Retry, Fail?
=*=
To
Igor Roshchin's homepage.
Pol'zovateli i sistemnye programmisty
Edut v kupe poezda chetyre pod'zovatelya.
Na kazhdogo po biletu. V sosednem kupe
edut chetyre sistemnyh programmista. U nih
na vseh tol'ko odin bilet.
Ozhidaetsya prihod kontrolera(ne kontrollera).
Sistemnye programmisty zakryvayutsya v tualete.
Prihodit kontrolyar. Proveryaet bilety u pol'zovatelej
i podhodit k tualetu. Stuchit. Iz dveri vysovyvaetsya
ruka i protyagivaet bilet. Kontroler proveryaet ego i
uhodit.
Edut obratno te zhe dve kompanii, tol'ko na vseh
pol'zovatelej odin bilet, a na vseh programmistov
ni odnogo bileta.
Prihodit kontroler.
Pol'zovateli zakryvayutsya v tualete. Sistemnye programmisty
stuchatsya k nim. Iz-za dveri vysovyvaetsya ruka s biletom.
Sistemnye programmisty zabirayut bilet i zakryvayutsya v drugom
tualete. Prihodit kontroler. . .
Soobshchenie o Microsoft Windows BS Extra
V blizhajshee vremya nachnetsya rasprostranenie novogo produk-
ta Microsoft Corporation - Microsoft Windows BS Extra. |tot
produkt yavlyaetsya estestvennym razvitiem MS Windows versij 3.0
i 3.1, otlichayushchimsya bolee razvitymi sistemnymi vozmozhnostyami i
druzhestvennym k rabotnikam Microsoft Corporation interfejsom
pol'zovatelya.
Installyaciya produkta trebuet 165 Mb diskovogo prost-
ranstva, 32 Mb pamyati, processora i486 ili luchshe. V silu svoe-
go vysokogo kachestva Microsoft Windows BS Extra ves'ma trebo-
vatel'na k konfiguracii, i, esli etot paket po kakim-libo pri-
chinam ne zapuskaetsya na vashem komp'yutere, firma rekomenduet
menyat' mashiny do teh por, poka ona, nakonec, ne zapustitsya.
Uluchshen interfejs pol'zovatelya, tak, naprimer, v celyah
ekonomii ekrannoj ploshchadi, znachok "Ok", v kotoryj sleduet po-
padat' mysh'yu, umen'shen v dva raza, idet rabota nad umen'sheniem
ego v chetyre i bolee raz. Vvedeno, pomimo dvojnogo (double),
trojnoe (triple) i chetvernoe (quadruple) nazhatie klavishi myshi.
Pri etom sleduet imet' v vidu. chto nazhatie ostal'nyh, ne
ispol'zuemyh programmoj klavish, mozhet privesti k nepredskazue-
mym posledstviyam, i poetomu rekomenduetsya vylamyvat' ih iz my-
shi pered installyaciej. a ekran vyvodyatsya teper' soobshcheniya obo
VSEH neozhidannostyah, vstrechennyh programmoj v pamyati ili na
diske, dlya dohodchivosti ih prochtenie sleduet podtverdit' ne
menee chem pyat' raz. Uvelicheno raznoobrazie neopisannyh tipov
fajlov, eshche bolee specializirovano soderzhanie fajlov iniciali-
zacii. Poskol'ku uvelichen ob®em instrukcij pol'zovatelya, ot-
nosyashchijsya k tomu, kak nazhimat' klavishi, opisaniya fajlov inici-
alizacii v dokumentacii opushcheny.
Microsoft Windows BS Extra trebuet SVGA card, rabotaet v
rezhime tol'ko 256 cvetov, hotya neopytnyj pol'zovatel' mozhet
etogo i ne zametit' - vse graficheskie prilozheniya po-prezhnemu
ispol'zuyut 16-ti cvetovuyu palitru - eto tak trogatel'no!
Uluchshen i mnogozadachnyj rezhim: razmer kvanta vremeni, vy-
delyaemyj kazhdoj zadache unificirovan, i sostavlyaet odnu minutu.
Vvedeno mnogo novyh standartov, vklyuchaya al'ternativu
standartu ASCII, i novoj grammatiki anglijskogo yazyka. Vse oni
nedokumentirovannye, no, utverzhdaet Bill Gejts, eto i ne nuzh-
no, rabotniki Microsoft Corporation legko obhodyatsya bez dopol-
nitel'nyh prilozhenij, a, znachit, obojdutsya i ostal'nye pol'zo-
vateli. Sleduet priuchat' pol'zovatelej k ispol'zovaniyu produk-
tov tol'ko Microsoft Corporation, a programmistov - k rabote
tol'ko v ee ramkah. Vvod-vyvod i schet - vot vse, chto mozhet po-
nadobit'sya programmistu v srede Microsoft Windows BS Extra!
Vse ostal'noe uzhe sdelano Microsoft Corporation. Vryad li
kto-libo zahochet nechto, chego ne smogli predusmotret' dazhe
programmisty Microsoft Corporation!
Syurpriz predstoit takzhe i neangloyazychnym pol'zovatelyam:
dopolnitel'nye znaki alfavita ih yazyka oni najdut v novom, bo-
lee udobnom Microsoft Corporation meste.
Spisok programm, konfliktuyushchih s Microsoft Windows BS
Extra, ne mozhet byt' zdes' priveden, tak kak zanimaet 392 Kb.
Odnako mozhno s uverennost'yu skazat', chto Microsoft Windows BS
Extra vhodit v konflikt so vsemi programmami firm IBM i
Symantec (poslednee bylo dostignuto posle dolgogo truda), a
takzhe mnogimi drugimi. Edinstvennoj rekomendaciej v etom slu-
chae yavlyaetsya nemedlennoe udalenie s zhestkogo diska vsego, chto
ne otnositsya k Microsoft Windows BS Extra.
V etoj versii razrabotchiki polnost'yu otkazyvayutsya ot sle-
dovaniya principam MSDOS, priznavaya ee svoej oshibkoj i tupiko-
vym napravleniem. Sootvetstvenno, tak kak, po zavereniyam prog-
rammistov Microsoft Corporation, funkciya vypolneniya DOSovskih
prilozhenij iz sredy Windows ne pol'zuetsya sredi nih bol'shoj
populyarnost'yu, v novom produkte ona bolee ne podderzhivaetsya.
"CHto goditsya dlya nas - sgoditsya i dlya vas" - takov novyj deviz
Microsoft Corporation.
Esli sistema Windows NT byla provozglashena zamenoj
UNIX'u, to Microsoft Windows BS Extra, po mysli rukovodstva
Microsoft Corporation predstoit zamenit' voobshche vse myslimye
operacionnye ststemy, tak ona horosha. Vse zhe sluhi o tom, chto
BS oznachaet "Big Shit" ("Bol'shoe der'mo"), ne sootvetstvuyut
dejstvitel'nosti.
:) Ulybka Prosto
(:-) Bol'shaya Ulybka
:-) SHutka
;-) Avtor Pozvolil Sebe Vol'nost' I Prosit Ne Bit' Ego Sil'no Nogami
:-> Zamechanie Polnoe Sarkazma
>:-> Prosto Ubijstvennoe Zamechanie
>;-) D'yavol'skai Sarkasticheskaya Uhmylka
:-| Avtor Ser'ezen
:-< Avtor Ser'ezen Kak Nikogda
=-) Veselo!
8-) Nu ni figa sebe...
:-/ Vryad Li...
:-S Skazano Bessvyaznoe Utverzhdenie
:-& Azh YAzyk Zapletaetsya
X-) Strashno!
:-( Grustno...
B-) Vzglyad |ksperta
^:-) Krysha Edet Vmeste S Domom
%-) Pyalilsya Na |kran Vsyu Noch'...
ZH-) ZHmuritsya
:*) P'yan
:-O Krik
:-* Poceluj
:-P Pokazal YAzyk
:<) Krutoj YA Tipa...
[:] Robot ("Mashina Ved' Dura...")
<|-) Zasekrechen
<|-( Tovarishch Iz Podpol'ya
Neoficial'nyj slovar' ulybok.
:-) Vasha osnovnaya ulybka. Ispol'zuetsya dlya oboznacheniya sarkastiches-
kogo ili shutlivogo sostoyaniya, poskol'ku golos cherez Unix usly-
shat' nikak ne udaetsya.
;-) Ulybka s podmigivaniem. Vy flirtuete i/ili delaete sarkastiches-
koe zamechanie. Bol'she pohozhe na ulybku tipa "ne bejte menya za
to, chto ya tol'ko chto skazal".
:-( Hmuraya ulybka. Ne nravitsya poslednyaya fraza, ili to k chemu ona
otnosilas', ili rasstroen ili vpal v unynie po povodu chego-to.
:-I Ravnodushnaya ulybka. Luchshe chem Hmuraya, no ne nastol'ko horosha,
kak Schastlivaya.
:-> Tol'ko chto otpushchena po-nastoyashchemu sarkasticheskaya ostrota.
Huzhe chem :-)
>:-> Tol'ko chto sdelano kakoe-to d'yavol'ski smeshnoe zamechanie.
>;-> Podmigivayushchaya i d'yavol'skaya vmeste. Ochen' uzh pohotlivoe zameche-
nie bylo sdelano.
|to byli osnovnye... Teper' neskol'ko menee obshcheupotrebitel'nyh:
(-: Ulybka levshi
%-) Posle togo kak vy pyatnadcat' chasov podryad tarashchili glaza v televizor.
:*) Vy p'yany
[:] Vy - robot
8-) Nosite solnechnye ochki i ulybaetes'
B:-) Te zhe ochki, no na lbu
::-) Nosite obychnye ochki, a ulybka ne shodit
B-) Nosite rogovye ochki
8:-) Vy - ulybayushchayasya malen'kaya devochka
:-)-8 Vy - Bol'shaya devochka
:-{) U vas est' usy
:-{} Guby nakrasheny
{:-) Nosite parik
}:-( Parik popal v struyu vozduha
:-[ Ulybka Vampira
:-E Ulybka vampira s klykami
:-F To zhe, no odnogo zuba net
:-7 Vas otchego-to skrivilo
:-* Tol'ko chto s®eli chto-to kisloe
:-)~ Slyuni raspustili
:-~) Vam holodno
:'-( Plachete
:'-) Plachete ot schast'ya
:-@ Izdaete vopl'
:-# Podzhali guby
:^) Sloman nos
:v) Sloman nos, no v druguyu storonu
:_) Nos kuda-to sovsem s®ehal
:<) Boksom zanimaetes'
:-& U vas yazyk bez kostej
=:-) Prikinulis' shlangom
-:-) Vy - pank
-:-( (nastoyashchie panki ne ulybayutsya)
:=) U vas dva nosa
+-:-) Vy - ili Papa Rimskij ili derzhite kakoe-to drugoe religioznoe zavedenie
`:-) Sbrili odnu brov' segodnya utrom
,:-) To zhe ...s drugoj storony
|-I Spat' ohota
|-O Zevaete/hrapite
:-Q Vy - kuril'shchik
:-? Predpochitaete kurit' trubku
O-) Vy - megafon na patrul'noj mashine!
O :-) Vy - angel (po krajnej mere v dushe)
:-P Kii-ya-ya!
:-S Tol'ko chto skazali nechto nesvyaznoe
:-D Nad vami smeyutsya!
:-X Rot na zamke
:-C Vy - nastoyashchij lodyr'
<|-) Kitaec
<|-( Kitaec, no takih shutok ne lyubit
:-/ Skeptik
C=:-) Boss
@= Storonnik ogranichennoj yadernoj vojny.
*<:-) Nosite shapku Deda Moroza
:-o Uh Oh!
(8-o |to mister Bill!
*:o) I kloun Bozo!
3:] Ulybka domashnego zhivotnogo
3:[ Nedobraya ulybka domashnego zhivotnogo
d8= Vash ruchnoj bobr nosit zashchitnye ochki i shlyapu
E-:-) Vy operator na radio
:-9 Oblizavaete guby
%-6 Krysha s®ehala
[:-) Slushaete plejer
(:I YAjcegolovyj
<:-I Polnyj tupica
K:P Malen'kij rebenok s propellerom
@:-) Nosite tyurban
:-0 Ne orat'!
:-: Ulybka mutanta
Nevidimaya ulybka
.-) U vas tol'ko odin glaz
,-) To zhe...no eshche i podmigivaete
X-( Vy tol'ko chto skonchalis'
8 :-) Vy - volshebnik
C=}>;*{)) Super-ulybka... P'yanyj v dosku, vo vstavshem dybom parike, s
usami i dvojnym podborodkom
Zamechanie: Bol'shinstvo mogut byt' narisovany bez nosa, kak by demons-
triruya miniatyurnuyu ulybku.
:) Miniatyurnaya ulybka
:] Druzheskaya ulybka togo kto byl ba rad byt' vashim drugom
=) Variaciya na temu...
:} Kak my eto nazovem? (kak?)
:) Schastliv
:> chto?
:@ chto?
:D Smeh
:I Hmmm...
:( ZHal'
:[ Doveli do ruchki
:< chto?
:{ chto?
:O Vopl'
:C chto?
:Q chto?
:,( Plach
[] Obnimayu i
:* celuyu
|I Spyashchij
|^o Hrapyashchij
:-` ulybayas' vyplevyvaete zhevatel'nyj tabak
:-1 vezhlivaya ulybka
:-! "
:-@ ulabayushcheesya vopyashchee lico
:-#| ulybayushcheesya lico s gustymi usami
:-$ ulybka s zakrytym rtom
:-% ulybayushchijsya bankir
:-6 ulybka posle togo kak vy s®eli chto-to kisloe
:^) ostronosaya ulybka
:-7 skrivilo
8-) ulybka plovca
:-* s®eli chto-to gor'koe
:-& molchalivaya ulybka
:-0 ulybka oratora
ulybka nevidimki
(:-( nesmeshno nahmurilis'
(:-) bol'shaya ulybayushchayasya fizionomiya
):-) "
):-( bol'shaya grustnaya fizionomiya
)8-) ulybka akvalangista
=:-) ulybayushchijsya pank
=:-( (panki ne ulybayutsya)
+:-) ulybayushchijsya svyashchennik
:-q ulybka pri popytke kosnut'sya yazykom nosa
:-e razocharovannaya ulybka
:-t serditaya ulybka
:-i poluulybka
:-o ulybka vo vremya ispolneniya nacional'nogo gimna
:-p vam pokazali yazyk
:-[ grustnyj bolvan
:-] ulybayushchijsya bolvan
:-{ variaciya na temu ulybki
:-} to zhe
{:-) nosite volosy na pryamoj probor i ulybaetes'
}:-) veter v ...volosah
:-a ulybayas' kasaetes' yazykom nosa s levoj storony
:-s ulybka posle nevnyatnogo kommentariya
:-d nalevo vy ulybnut'sya ne mozhete
g-) ulybka v pensne
:-j levaya ulybka
:-k menya vyrubaet, na chto-to pohozhe vse-taki
:-: ulybka mutanta
:-\ nereshitel'naya ulybka
:-| ulybka "mne plevat' kakoj u vas budet den'"
;-) hitraya ulybka
:-< po-nastoyashchemu pechal'naya ulybka
:-x ulybka "rot na zamke"
:-c ulybka bezdel'nika
:-v ulybka kommentatora
:v) nos nalevo
:-b yazyk nalevo
:-/ levo-nereshitel'naya ulybka
:-? ulybayas' kurite trubku
.-] ulybka odnoglazogo
,-} krivaya ulybka s podmigivaniem
0-) ulybayushchijsya ciklop (vodolaz?)
:-=) ulybayushchijsya starik s borodoj
:> miniatyurnaya ulybka
:-) ha-ha
|-) hi-hi
|-D ho-ho
:-> hej-hej
8 :-I Unix-volshebnik
:-( bu-bu
X-( samoubijca
:-I hmm
E-:-I net.ham-radio
:-O uh-oh
>:-I net.startrek
:-P nyam-nyam
3:o[ net.pets
|-P juk
:-} boroda
:-{ usy
:-# gubki naduty
:-Q kuril'shchik
<:I tupica
(:I yajcegolovyj
@:I tyurban
8-) ochki
B-) rogovye
8:-) ochki na lbu
:-8( snishoditel'nyj vzglyad
>:-< beshennyj
Drama :-( Komediya :-)
Syurpriz :-o Vnimanie 8-|
Muzhchina :- ZHenshchina >-
Rozhdenie |-O Smert' 8-#
Beskonechnost' 8
---<--{(@ A eto roza!
Dear:
[ ] Clueless Newbie [ ] Lamer [ ] AOLer
[ ] "Me too" er [ ] Pervert [ ] Geek
[ ] Spammer [ ] Nerd [ ] Elvis
[ ] Fed [ ] Freak [ ] Scientologist
[ ] Scammer [X] Dumbass [ ] Pre-teen
You Are Being Flamed Because:
[ ] You posted binaries in pieces LESS than 5000 lines
[ ] You posted something asking for warez sites
[X] You quoted an ENTIRE post in your reply
[ ] You continued a long, stupid thread
[ ] You started an off-topic thread
[ ] You posted a "YOU ALL SUCK" message
[ ] You posted a blatently obvious troll
[ ] You posted pretending to be someone famous (See "troll" above)
[ ] You replied to the above message type believing it was someone famous
[X] You said "me too" to something
[X] You suck
[ ] Your sig/alias/server sucks
[ ] You posted a phone-sex ad
[ ] Your ad sucks anyway since nobody asked for it
[ ] You posted a stupid pyramid money-making scheme and
claimed it was legal
[ ] I think you might be a fed
[ ] You spam
[ ] You posted in ElItE CaPiTaLs because you think that makes you kEwL
[ ] You didn't do anything specific, but appear to be so generally
worthless that you are being flamed anyway
To Repent, You Must:
[ ] Stop masturbating for a week
[X] Give up your AOL account
[X] Be my love slave for a month.
[ ] Tell your Mommy you've been a bad boy
[ ] Jump into a bathtub while holding your monitor
[ ] Actually post something relevant
[ ] Read the FAQ
[ ] Be the guest of honor in alt.flame for a month
In Closing, I'd Like to Say:
[X] Blow me
[ ] Get a life
[ ] Never post again
[ ] Age 10 more years before you post again
[ ] I pity your dog
[ ] Go to hell
[ ] Yer momma's so fat/stupid/ugly that etc...
[ ] Take your shit somewhere else
[ ] Get fucked, you pathetic loser
[X] Learn to post or fuck off
[ ] All of the above
END FLAME
Frequently Answered Answers. CHasto otvechaemye otvety
Yes Da
Sure you can Konechno mozhete
Yes of course Da, razumeetsya
No, shame on you! Net, stydites'
1.000.000 roubles $200
500.000 roubles $100
250.000 roubles $50
Cash on the nail! Utrom den'gi, vecherom stul'ya
Dejstvitel'no poleznye sovety
(v podrazhanie Grigoriyu Osteru)
Komanda UH / / "Mahaon" /
posle dlitel'noj i prodolzhitel'noj bor'by . . . . . . .
Esli printer postoyanno
Rvet i pachkaet bumagu,
Ty narvi ee pobol'she,
I napachkaj pozhirnee,
A potom nesi na firmu,
Gde kupil ty etot printer,
Pust' proklyatye pohodyat
S bezobrazno chernym zadom.
... rukovodstvo pol'zovatelya printera Robotron ...
* * *
* * *
Kol' povis - chto myshku klikat'?
V klavu tkni tremya pal'ca'mi
Ili Any Key potrogaj,
Ili vyklyuchi pitan'e,
Mozhno iz rozetki tozhe,
No vsego, konechno, luchshe
Kabel' oborvat' v podvale.
... rukovodstvo pol'zovatelya Windows'95 ...
* * *
* * *
Kol' modem na 28
Derzhit carrier na 300,
|to, pravo, bespolezno,
Othengap'sya, luchshe vojsom
Pozvoni ej po-prostomu.
... rukovodstvo pol'zovatelya liniyami MGTS ...
* * *
Esli Enter zapadaet
Na chuzhoj klaviature,
Ty ej postuchi ob stenku,
A potom po nej zhe stulom,
A potom oblej kakao,
Mozhno takzhe pepsi-koloj,
A potom vklyuchi v rozetku.
Na chuzhoj klaviature
|to ochen' pomogaet.
... rukovodstvo pol'zovatelya Keyboard ...
* * *
Esli u tebya v sisteme
Ob®yavilsya novyj virus,
Ty ne bejsya ponaprasnu,
Odolzhi vinchester drugu,
CHtob vernul cherez nedelyu,
Vot uvidish' - budet chisto!
... rukovodstvo pol'zovatelya Antivirus ...
* * *
* * *
Esli pentyuh pod vindami
Vint skrebet, kak nenormal'nyj,
Vindosy potri skoree,
I glyuchnyh takih paketov
Ne yuzaj ty luchshe vovse.
... rukovodstvo pol'zovatelya Windows 3.1, Windows'95 ...
* * *
* * *
Esli v vashem monitore
Svili gnezda tarakany,
Ih ne much'te dihlofosom,
Prosto priotkrojte kryshku
I pustite pauchihu.
CHerez nebol'shoe vremya
Tam sozdastsya (kak uchili)
Vidovoe ravnoves'e
Paukov i tarakanov.
... rukovodstvo pol'zovatelya monitora Daewoo ...
* * *
* * *
Esli mesta ne hvataet
Dlya Desanta ili Dooma,
Ty nachal'nikovy GIFy
Udali bez rassuzhden'ya,
I poluchish' srazu
30 Megabajt, a to i bol'she.
A kogda nachal'nik sprosit,
Gde zhe vsya ego pornuha,
Ty otvet', chto vyel virus
Sis'ki u ego kartinok.
... rukovodstvo pol'zovatelya Playboy ...
Kak-to raz dva gusara v IorkshIre
Pochitat' KOI-8 reshili.
No ves' tekst ih modem
Prevratil v KOI-7,
KOI-6, KOI-5 i 4.
Top 10 Signs You're Addicted to the net
http://205.253.16.3/humor.htm
10. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and
check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
9. You get a tattoo that reads "This body best viewed with
Netscape Navigator 1.1 or higher."
8. You name your children Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom.
7. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling,
like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
6. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your
lap...and your child in the overhead compartment.
5. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two,
just for the free Internet access.
4. You laugh at people with 2400-baud modems.
3. You start using smileys in your snail mail.
2. The last girl you picked up was a JPEG.
1. Your hard drive crashes. You haven't logged in for two hours.
You start to twitch. You pick up the phone and manually dial
your ISP's access number. You try to hum to communicate with
the modem. You succeed.
YuN. Pesnya o programmistskoj molodosti
YUrij Nesterenko
Kogda malo kto znal, chto znachit Ctrl-Alt-Del,
Kogda ne kazhdyj rebenok kal'kulyator imel,
A pod slovom "Paskal'" ponimalsya obychno filosof,
Eshche ne vse perforatory pustili na slom,
No my prishli v etot mir, i my poshli naprolom,
I ne znali pokoya ot novyh idej i voprosov.
My byli molody i ne strashilis' pregrad,
Gde ne spaset perezapusk, pomozhet format,
A esli ne bylo kopij, my taktiku brali inuyu -
Po disketam my polzali, i po chastyam
Sobirali ostanki pogibshih programm
I shestnadcatirichnye dump'y vvodili vruchnuyu.
My privychno plevali na lyuboj Copyright,
Nam kazalis' prostorom dazhe 100 kilobajt,
My uchili assembler, ne znavshij komand umnozhen'ya.
Raspechatki ne rezali my na listy,
I nashi pervye virusy byli prosty,
No my vse-taki byli v vostorge ot ih razmnozhen'ya.
My ne boyalis' togda - my byli mnogo smelej -
Ni plohih sektorov, ni magnitnyh polej,
I dazhe sboj po pitaniyu ne byl istochnikom straha.
Nam bylo vse tryn-trava, nam bylo prosto sovsem
Odnim nazhatiem na knopku povesit' SM,
Nam sluzhil DVK, i nam povinovalas' Yamaha.
No pered nami progress otkryval vse puti,
I, brosiv staryh druzej radi novyh XT,
My vyzhimali, chto mozhno, iz DOS i iz arhitektury,
Menyali kody komand, trassirovali INT'y
Dizassemblirovali BIOS i pisali v porty
To, chto ya b ne pozvolil pechatat' na meste cenzury.
No eto vremya proshlo, no eto bylo davno,
Teper' y kazhdogo nudnoj raboty polno,
I zakazchik-durak tychet myshkoj v kartinochki gordo.
I my piratstvo uzhe pochti schitaem grehom,
I obrosli Aidstest'ami, kak derevo mhom -
U nas tak mnogo zashchit, chto poroj zabyvaem password'y.
A ved' kogda-to ne boyalis' my programmy lyuboj,
I s odnim lish' debug'om vyhodili na boj,
I iskusno napisannyj virus vsrechali kak brata.
A teper' my, chut' chto, nazhimaem reset...
Da, kuda ne pojdesh' - vezde natknesh'sya na RET,
I eshche horosho, esli v steke est' adres vozvrata.
Teper' nam len' izoshchrat'sya, optimizirovat' kod,
I interfejs s durakami my pishem iz godu v god,
Svyklis' s moshchnoj mashinoj, otvykli ot vsyakogo riska.
Zabyli kody komand i staryh tryukov zapas,
I tol'ko nenavist' k Windows poroyu y nas
Zazhigaet ogon' v glazah, kak indikator Hard Disk'a.
True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:
Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech Rep: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty
period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech Rep: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech Rep: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am.
Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did
you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a
promotional. It just has '4X' on it."
At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't
stand it. The caller had been using the load draver of the CD-ROM drive
as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive.
Copyright (c) 1996 Norvezhskij Lesnoj
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Svetlane SHikinoj
(Malen'kij rasskaz o tom, chto poluchaetsya, kogda igraesh' v DEATHMATCH
pod "POGONYU" (iz k/f "Edinstvennaya") Vladimira Vysockogo)
Ot steny k stene
YA bezhal vpered.
CH'ya-to ten' v okne
Na ispug beret.
"Zdes' ya, na krayu,
Psy pozornye!"
Nu a sam poyu
"Ochi chernye."
Ochi strastnye,
Kak lyubil ya vas!
Dveri raznye
Razluchili nas.
T'mu, kak maslo - nozh
Rezhet sinij luch.
Iz-pod serdca - drozh',
Iz-pod trupa - klyuch.
Po koleno krov',
V pol uhodit dver'.
Za stenoyu vnov'
Stonet novyj zver'.
CHej teper' chered
Padat' mordoj v gryaz'?
|tot son projdet,
Tol'ko ne dlya nas.
YA plyuyus' ognem,
Da s obeih ruk.
ZHizn' - teatr, i v nem
Est' poslednij krug.
Est' poslednij hod,
Est' poslednij shag.
Gde menya najdet
Moj poslednij vrag.
Budto v pervyj raz
Obruchennye,
Kak lyubil ya vas,
Ochi chernye!
Sentyabr' 1996
Be careful with installation
Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend3.1 to
GirlFriendPlus1.0 (marketing name: Fiancee1.0). Recently he
upgraded Fiancee1.0 to Wife1.0 and it's a memory hogger, it has
taken all his space; and Wife1.0 must be running before he can
do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife1.0 came with
Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw and BrotherInLaw.
Some features I'd like to see in the Upcomming GirlFriend4.0...
- A "Don't remind me again" button
- Minimize button
- Shutdown feature
- An install shield feature so that Girlfriend4.0 can be
completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose
cache and other objects)
I tried running girlfriend 2.0 with girlfriend 1.0 still
installed, they tried using the same i/o port and conflicted.
Then I tried to unistall girlfriend 1.0 but it didn't have an
uninstall program. I tried to uninstall it by hand, but it put
files in my system directory. Another thing that sucks in all
versions of girlfriend that I've used is that it is totally
"object orientated" and only supported hardware with gold
plated contacts.
***** BUG WARNING ********
Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install
Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete
MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress
1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.
Programmer's drinking song
100 little bugs in the code,
100 bugs in the code,
fix one bug, compile it again,
101 little bugs in the code.
101 little bugs in the code.....
Repeat until BUGS = 0
Uvazhaj svoego shefa. U tebya mog by byt' i huzhe
SHef vsegda prav.
SHef ne spit, SHef otdyhaet.
SHef ne est, SHef vosstanavlivaet sily.
SHef ne p'et, SHef degustiruet.
SHef ne flirtuet, SHef obuchaet kadry.
Kto prihodit so svoimi ubezhdeniyami, vyhodit s ubezhdeniyami SHefa.
CH'i ubezhdeniya sovpadayut s ubezhdeniyami SHefa, tot delaet kar'eru.
SHef ne krichit, SHef ubeditel'no vyskazyvaet svoyu tochku zreniya.
SHef ne pochesyvaet zatylok, SHef obdumyvaet reshenie.
SHef ne krivitsya, SHef ulybaetsya bez entuziazma.
SHef ne trus, SHef postupaet predusmotritel'no.
SHef ne neuch, SHef predpochitaet tvorcheskuyu praktiku besplodnoj teorii.
SHef ne beret vzyatki, SHef prinimaet znaki blagodarnosti.
SHef ne lyubit spleten, SHef vnimatel'no vyslushivaet mnenie sotrudnikov.
SHef ne myamlit, SHef delitsya razmyshleniyami.
SHef ne lzhet, SHef - diplomat.
SHef ne upryam, SHef posledovatelen.
SHef ne lyubit podhalimov, SHef premiruet loyal'nyh rabotnikov.
SHef ne perenosit kliki, SHef uvazhaet slazhennyj kollektiv.
SHef ne izmenyaet svoej zhene, SHef vyezzhaet v komandirovku.
SHef ne opazdyvaet, SHefa zaderzhivayut vazhnye dela.
Esli hochesh' zhit' i rabotat' spokojno, ne operezhaj SHefa v razvitii.
Esli SHef ne prav, chitaj snachala.
Things you learn about computers from the movies
1. Word processors never display a cursor
2. You never have to use the spacebar when typing long sentences.
3. All monitors display 2 inch high letters
4. High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some
such governmental institution, have easy-to-understand graphical
interfaces.
5. You can gain access to any information you want by simply typing
"ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard.
6. Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by
simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS". Viruses cause temperatures in
computers. After a while, smoke billows out of disk drives and
monitors.
7. All computers are connected. You can access the information on
the villian's desktop computer, even if it's turned off ...
8. Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever
the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the
screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. The REALLY
advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer as the
characters come across the screen.
9. People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving
the data or going through the shut down process.
10. A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world
and guess the secret password in two tries.
11. Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function
12. When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the
control panels will explode, as will the entire building
13. If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file,
it also disappears from the screen. There are no ways to copy a
backup file.
14. No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by
any system you put it into. All application software is useable by
all computer platforms.
15. Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying
three-dimensional, real-time, photo-realistic animated graphics
capability.
16. Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that
it projects itself onto his/her face.
From: Denis Nedbaev.
Email: nedbus@te.net.ua
WWW: http://www.te.net.ua:8081/~nedbus/
Kovyryalsya kak-to mal'chik
Gryaznym pal'cem v mazerborde
I natknulsya na detal'ku
CHto najti vsegda hotel on
On hotel ee ottuda
Vybit' papinym zubilom
Vdrug razdalsya zvuk uzhasnyj
Slovno derevo upalo
Mal'chik radost'yu siyaet
I v ruke detal' szhimaet
Szadi papa podoshel vdrug
On uslyshal hrust uzhasnyj
I glaza ego polezli
Vdrug na nos ego korotkij
Dikim voplem izoshelsya
Rot raskrytyj kak peshchera
Mal'chik shchas zhe obernulsya
I uvidel ryadom papu
I skazal on
"Zdravstvuj papa!
CHto krichish' ty tak zhestoko
Il' ne znaesh' chto krichat' tak
Na detej svoih nel'zya?"
No vdrug papa izmenilsya
Na lice gorit zhelan'e
Vseh ubit' kogo ni vstretit
Ruki szhalis' kulakami
Tak chto nogti kozhu rezhut
Mal'chik vidya peremeny
I plohoj konec pochuyav
Szhalsya v malen'kij komochek
I glaza zakryl rukami
Zvon stekla zapomnil mal'chik
Bol' v boku i veter v ushi
A eshche polet nedolgij
I eshche asfal't nemyagkij
YuN. Pesnya o supervisor'e
YUrij Nesterenko
Po Novell'ovskim prostoram
Server fajly rassylaet;
Mezhdu printerom i dver'yu
Vossedaet supervisor,
Cyberdaemon'u podobnyj.
CHernyh zamyslov on polon:
On krutoj upgrade zamyslil,
Ot kotorogo, konechno,
Set' rabotat' stanet huzhe,
No zato uznaet kazhdyj,
Kto v kontore samyj glavnyj.
Haker stonet ot dosady,
Ponimaya, chto pridetsya
Vse lomalki dlya parolej
Perepisyvat' snachala.
Sekretarshi tozhe stonut:
Im vdrug stali nedostupny
Direktorii s Prefclub'om
I igrushkoj Lines lyubimoj.
Glupyj yuzer robko pryachet
Tri igrushki v kataloge,
Atribut im stavit hidden,
Po naivnosti nadeyas',
CHto nikto ih ne zametit.
Tol'ko zlobnyj supervisor
Lezet smelo i svobodno
V direktorii chuzhie:
Skoro! Skoro vse povisnut!
(C) YuN, 1996
Lokal'nye seti poslednee delo
From: Paul_Chibisov@dialogbank.com
A vot i moj nebol'shoj vklad v kollekciyu.
Vsem programmistam i sistemnym administratoram posvyashchaetsya
Lokal'nye seti poslednee delo,
Kogda uzhe nechego pit'.
Komp'yuter stoit, za okoshkom stemnelo
I tyanet pogovorit'.
Ruter gudit ne na strah, a na sovest',
SHumy i signaly lovya.
I gde-to bezhit po provodochkam
K drugu programma tvoya.
Rabochaya stanciya zabarahlila,
Vybrosiv v setochku gryaz'.
Repiter, poduv, chto eto ne delo,
Stal ee otklyuchat'.
A yuzera programmy yuzali,
Krushila vibraciya disk.
I Novelya vdrug skazali: "Ustali!"
I stali server gruzit'.
Izmuchennyj p'yanyj administrator,
So stula podnyat'sya ne mog.
Naslushavshis' pesen deda Makara,
On povtoryal skol'ko mog...
Lokal'nye seti poslednee delo,
Kogda uzhe nechego pit'.
Komp'yuter stoit, za okoshkom stemnelo
I tyanet pogovorit'.
(s)Leonid Kaganov
http://www.aha.ru/~lleo/
dlya "Planeta Intepnet" N%3-4 1998
K O R P U S O K
(kratkoe posobie detyam po sborke domashnego komp'yutera iz nelikvidov)
Stoit na stole korpusok - ne nizok ne vysok, ne lezhachij, ne SLIM, i
blok pitaniya s nim. Bezhala myshka-klikushka. Tuk-tuk - kto v korpusochke
zhivet? Hikogo. Budu zdes' zhit', korpusok storozhit', begat' vo dvorike,
spat' na kovrike.
Vdrug razdaetsya snova zvuk - tuk-tuk. Kto v korpusochke zhivet? |to ya,
myshka-klikushka. A ya materinskaya plata - otvertkoj pocarapana, zhizn'yu
pomyata, SX-25, baba yagodka opyat', vsya zhizn' vperedi - hot' sejchas pod
Windows-NT.
Hu raz pod NT - togda prohodi.
Vdrug - tuk-tuk. |to ya, vidyushka-morgushka, Trident-256, razreshite na
minutochku v ISA-slot prisest'?
Otchego zhe ne prisest', koli mesto est'? Slotov pyat', mozhesh' vybirat'.
Tol'ko luchshe von tot s krayu, on rabotaet, a pro ostal'nye ne znayu.
Vdrug - snova tuk-tuk. Kto v korpusochke zhivet? YA, myshka-klikushka, ya
vidyushka-morgushka, ya materinskaya plata, malost' pomyata, i so mnoyu
processor - mudryj kak professor, a ty kto?
A ya mul'tyashka - bajty rasteryashka, so mnoyu shlejfy k vinchesteru i
diskovodu, prekrasno rabotayut v suhuyu pogodu. A eshche LPT-port, GAME-port
i dva COM porta - vot takaya krasota.
Hu prohodi, sadis' v ISA-slot. Luchshe konechno von v tot - prostornyj
kak kreslo, ne smotri chto on tresnul. Budem zhit'-pozhivat', bajty gonyat'.
A ty, myshka, podhodi, ne stesnyajsya, k portu COM2 podklyuchajsya.
Tuk-tuk - bip-bip, eto ya, klaviatura, pyl'naya dura. Treh klavish ne
hvataet, ostal'nye zapadayut. Russkih bukv net, vmesto 'Y' - 'Z'. Esli
menya otmyt' - zarabotayu mozhet byt'.
Hu podhodi, vtykajsya v raz®em, vmeste veselo zazhivem!
Khe-khe, skol'ko let, skol'ko zim! |to ya, megabajtnyj sim.
Sim? Idi ty? Da ty nebos' bityj?
YA bityj? Gospod' s toboyu! Za desyat' let vsego tri sboya. Ustal ya s
dorogi, protrite spirtom nogi...
Ladno vhodi. YA materinskaya plata - kak snezhnaya lopata. Hot' i bez
kesha, no bezumno horosha. Zahodi synok, von tvoe gnezdo na 30 nog.
Tuk-tuk! YA monitor VGA. 640 na 480 i bol'she ni figa. So mnoyu chemodan
- v nem zashchitnyj ekran. Hi ot chego ne zashchishchaet, zato smotret' meshaet:
sbezhish' cherez chas - vot i pol'za dlya glaz. Podklyuchite menya k vidyushke,
budem vmeste igrat' v morgushki.
Tuk-tuk. Kto k nam v dom? |to ya, CD-ROM. Odnoskorostnoj, bez knopki
PLAY - ne goni menya, pozhalej. Rabotat' ne budu, eto ponyatno, - interfejs
uzh ochen' nestandartnyj, no vstanu vmesto zaglushki v okoshko - pol'zy net,
zato krasivee nemnozhko.
Snova kto-to idet - tuk-tuk, kto tut zhivet? YA, myshka-klikushka, ya,
vidyushka-morgushka, ya materinskaya plata, nichut' ne starovata, a so mnoyu
processor - tolstyj, zdorovyj, pyativol'tovyj. A eshche ya, mul'tyashka - bajty
rasteryashka, ya, klaviatura - pyl'naya dura i CD-ROM - vot vmeste i zhivem.
Eshche sim - i fig s nim, a eshche monitor.
Monitor? A ya vinchester MAXTOR, revu kak dizel'nyj motor. Poloviny
cilindrov net, ostal'nye - bad. Ho pyat' megabajt ostalos' - na takaya uzh
eto i malost'. U menya hranitsya vse luchshee v mire - DOS, Horton komandor
i tekstovyj redaktor F4.
Tuk-tuk! YA pyatidyujmovyj diskovod firmy IZOT - ne kladi mne palec v
rot. ZHuyu diskety kak domrabotnica konfety. I gordyj - ne chitayu vse
podryad, u menya svoj sobstvennyj format.
A ya mul'tyashka - bajty rasteryashka, prohodi diskovod, beri shlejf - von
tot, votkni ego szadi, poryadka radi. Budem s toboj vorkovat'-flirtovat',
bajty drug-druzhke peresylat'.
Aga, tol'ko prezhde chem vorkovat' dajte mne chem-nibud' gorlo
propoloskat' - mne trebuetsya kazhdyj den' s utra polstakana spirta dlya
ochistki nutra. Het, chistyashchuyu disket ne nado, ya po-russki. V smysle -
zalpom i bez zakuska.
Gde spirt dayut? My dva dopolnitel'nyh porta - ne ponyatno na cherta.
Da? Hu sadites' v slot - von tot, vtoroj s krayu. YA ot nego i tak
nichego i ne ozhidayu.
A ya 2400 faks-modem, noven'kij sovsem. He gonite, Boga radi, desyat'
let prolezhal na sklade. Konnekt derzhu zhelezno - ostanovlivat' menya
bespolezno. A bizi lovlyu ran'she chem nachnetsya, koroche skuchat' ne
pridetsya.
Tuk-tuk! Zdorovo bratva, ya AWE-32, zvukovaya karta znamenitaya, ochen'
krutaya, tol'ko malost' bitaya. V smysle ne igrayu. Mozhno prisest' s krayu?
A ya printer Robotron 9 igolok - 2 slomalis', 2 poteryalis', 2
oblomilis', 2 zatupilis', ostalas' odna - pravda rzhavaya ona. V obshchem
nikudyshnaya pechat', zato umeyu bumagu rvat'. Tak horosho umeyu rvat', chto
mozhno vmesto shreddera primenyat'.
Hu chto zh, druz'ya, polnaya komplektaciya s periferiej. Pora vklyuchat' po
schetu tri-chetyre. Myshka-klikushka korpus zakryla, vinty zavintila i
krichit v okoshko "nu chto, prisyadem na dorozhku?". Dadim torzhestvennuyu
klyatvu, rebyata - ot kazhdogo po rabotosposobnosti, kazhdomu - po
polkilovatta.
YA - myshka-klikushka, ya - vidyushka-morgushka, ya - materinskaya plata
poseredine zaplata, ya processor - goryachij kak agressor, ya - mul'tyashka -
bajty rasteryashka, ya - klaviatura - pyl'naya dura, ya CD-ROM - ne vyrubish'
toporom, ya - sim - desyat' let, desyat' zim, ya monitor - cvetnoj kak
pomidor, ya diskovod - zdorovyj kak komod, my dva porta - neponyatno na
cherta, ya AWE-32 - myslenno proiznoshu slova, ya faks-modem - iz soroka
mikroshem, ya printer Robotron - revu kak beshennyj slon, i ya - vinchester
- torzhestvenno klyanemsya vse vmeste - prorabotat' eshche sto let bez sboya ne
znaya ustalosti i pokoya!
Vklyuchite knopku pitaniya, ona tut ryadom. Ha zadnej paneli, esli
smotret' vnimatel'nym vzglyadom, mozhno zametit' takuyu shtuku, pod nej
shchel', i esli v shchel' zasunut' ruku, to tam v glubine po lokot' napravo
budet kak by nebol'shaya kanava, i vot tam chut' glubzhe gde-to knopka
nemnogo vverh i levee. Hazhmi ee skoree.
Buh-bah! SHCHelk! Zadymilsya korpusok! Iskry poleteli snopami, dym
povalil klubami, blok pitaniya dymit, i bodro tak govorit: "Izvinite
bratcy, tut v seti okazyvaetsya 220. A ya ved' rasschitan na 110 - net
chtoby transformator povesit'! Ho vy ne bojtes', vse shito-kryto - u menya
uzhe srabotala zashchita! Pravda srazu otklyuchit'sya ne smog - nadeyus' ya tam
nikogo ne pozheg?"
I skazka zakanchivaetsya na etom, potomu chto molchan'e bylo emu otvetom.
Yesterday,
All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away.
Oh I believe in yesterday.
Suddenly,
There's not half the files there used to be,
There's a milestone hanging over me.
The system crashed so suddenly.
I pushed something wrong,
What it was I could not say.
Now all my data's gone
and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.
Yesterday,
The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
I knew my data was all here to stay.
Now I believe in yesterday.
Eleanor Rigby
Sits at the keyboard
and waits for a line on the screen
Lives in a dream
Waits for a signal
Finding some code
that will make the machine do some more.
What is it for?
All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
Guru MacKenzie
Typing the lines
of a program that no one will run;
Isn't it fun?
Look at him working,
Munching some chips
as he waits for the code to compile;
It takes a while...
All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
Eleanor Rigby
Crashes the system
and loses six hours of work;
Feels like a jerk.
Guru MacKenzie
Wiping the crumbs
off the keys as he types in the code;
Nothing will load.
All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
Unix Man(1) (Nowhere Man)
He's a real UNIX Man
Sitting in his UNIX LAN
Making all his UNIX plans
For() nobody.
Knows the blocksize from du(1)
Cares not where /dev/null goes to
Isn't he a bit like you
And me?
UNIX Man, please listen(2)
My lpd(8) is missin'
UNIX Man
The wo-o-o-orld is at(1) your command(1).
He's as wise as he can be
Uses lex(1) and yacc(1) and C
UNIX Man, can you help me
At(1) all?
UNIX Man, don't worry
Test(1) with time(1), don't hurry
UNIX Man
The new kernel boots, just like you had planned.
He's a real UNIX Man
Sitting in his UNIX LAN
Making all his UNIX plans For() nobody ...
Making all his UNIX plans For() nobody.
When I find my code in tons of trouble,
Friends and colleagues come to me,
Speaking words of wisdom:
"Write in C."
And as the deadline fast approaches,
And bugs are all that I can see,
Somewhere, someone whispers:
"Write in C."
Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, oh, Write in C.
LOGO's dead and buried,
Write in C.
I used to write a lot of FORTRAN,
For science it worked flawlessly.
Try using it for graphics!
Write in C.
If you've just spent nearly 30 hours,
Debugging some assembly,
Soon you will be glad to
Write in C.
Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, yeah, Write in C.
BASIC's not the answer.
Write in C.
Write in C, Write in C
Write in C, oh, Write in C.
Pascal won't quite cut it.
Write in C.
Something in the way it fails,
Defies the algorithm's logic!
Something in the way it coredumps...
I don't want to leave it now
I'll fix this problem somehow
Somewhere in the memory I know,
A pointer's got to be corrupted.
Stepping in the debugger will show me...
I don't want to leave it now
I'm too close to leave it now
You're asking me can this code go?
I don't know, I don't know...
What sequence causes it to blow?
I don't know, I don't know...
Something in the initializing code?
And all I have to do is think of it!
Something in the listing will show me...
I don't want to leave it now
I'll fix this tonight I vow!
1. Power on
2. Neuverenno bormocha zavoditsya Kuler i pytaetsya pozhuzhzhat' lopastyami,
odnako ego svodyat sudorogi i on s hryukan'em tormozit i snova zasypaet.
3. Priotkryv odin glaz, mutnym vzorom okidyvaet svoe okruzhenie Proc.
Bol'no pnuv spyashchego na verhu Kulera on proiznosit sakramental'nuyu
frazu:
"Nu i nazhralis' zhe my vchera :(". Kuler nedovol'no vzvizgnuv zasypaet
vnov'.
Posheveliv registrami Proc obnaruzhivaet vnezapno poyavivshiesya u nego
nedokumentirovanye fichi otchego emu stanovitsya ploho i ego rvet na Bios.
4. Bios nichego ne ponimaya sprosoni nachinaet bezbozhno materit'sya, hriplo
pishchat' dinamikom, bryzgat' slyunoj i grozit'sya ustroit' vsem polnyj
POSTdec, no vidya chto vsem pofig i slovesnye ugozy ne pomogayut, reshaet
pristupit' k delu.
5. Veselo popiskivaya i vydavaya na ekran neperedavaemuyu gammu cvetov
inititsya
Vidimokart. Inititsya dolgo, pri etom na menyayushchem kazhdye dve sekundy
cvet
ekrane proskal'zyvayut necenzurnye soobshcheniya v tekstovom formate i
somnitel'nye ansi risunochki.(Esli kart krutoj, to nachinaet kidat'
pal'cy,
vydavat' soobshcheniya tipa "Ty na kogo naehal, bratan ?!" i grozitsya
postavit'
na den'gi.)
6. Bios budivshij v eto vremya vsyakuyu melkuyu sosedskuyu shval' i nashedshij
u Kesha v zagashnike ostatki spirta, snova prihodit v blagodushnoe
nastroenie. Vyskazav vidimokartu vse, chto on o nem dumaet, Bios vdrug
vspominaet chto on o chem to zabyl .... Tut ego privlekaet ston iz
blizhajshej
kanavy. Podojdya poblizhe on vidit valyayushchegosya tam glavnogo EDOka, Simma,
kotoryj pochti zagnulsya. "Ah vot kto vchera ves' zakus' sozhral !!!"-
zlobno
uhmylyaetsya Bios-"SHCHa my tebya gada to potestiruem :E~".
7. Vzyav Simma za grudki on zlobno nachinaet : "Odin, dva, tri ...". Tut
mysli u nego zatumanivayutsya i on obnaruzhivaet, chto dal'she on uzhe ne
pomnit. " Odin, dva , tri ... odin dva tri ... ",- tak prodolzhaetsya
eshche paru minut, poka pokrasnevshij ot nedostatka pitaniya Simm ne
nachinaet istoshno vopit' : " Skipaj gad !!!",- vyryvaetsya i s voplyami
ubegaet v kusty.
8. Pohmurevshij Bios napravlyaet svoi stopy k Klave. A Klave, nado
skazat',
spirta ne dostalos', poetomu Biosa ona vstretila krikami : "Opyat' vchera
nazhralis' kak svin'i muzhiki proklyatye. YA te dam potestit' ! Menya opyat'
segodnya ves' den' toptat' budut - a emu vidish' li potestit'." I
zapuskaet
v Biosa skalkoj, otchego tot v ispuge sharahaetsya nazad i po bystromu
delaet
nogi.
9. Po puti nazad Bios zlobno pinaet prikornuvshego Flopa. Tot prosypaetsya
i nachinaet glupo podmigivat' edinstvennym zelenym glazom i hriplo
kashlyat'. Nichego vrazumitel'nogo skazat' emu tak i ne udaetsya, tak kak v
zubah zastryala vcherashnyaya disketa, kotoruyu on po p'yani pytalsya bylo
formatnut' na pyat'sot metrov, no kruto oblomalsya i porval bednuyu
v kuski.
10. "|h, kuda zh my katimsya to ?"-, s grust'yu podumal Bios i dernul za
svisayushchij sverhu shlejf. V otvet poslyshalis' nerazborchivye vopli s
kitajsko-bolgarskim akcentom. "Vo chto s Sidyukom sdelali! A takoj paren'
byl ... " -,podumal Bios. "Ty chem tam vertish' to, opyat' disk ostavili
?"
-, krichit Bios. "Kryuchyu verchyu kak hachyu, gde sharik ?",-razdaetsya sverhu.
"Oh uzh etot novomodnyj plyuh end plej, ran'she ya by etu rozhu i v glaza
ne videl",- s nostal'giej podumal Bios,-"a teper' muchajsya s nim...".
11. V eto vremya prosnulsya Blaster i nachal orat', chto on de tozhe
plyuh and plejnyj devajs, a posemu dma i irq on vozmet sebe takie
kakie emu nado i pust' tut kto-nibud' tol'ko poprobuet im komandovat'
on vsem tut vraz vse podvesit i oblomaet ... Potom on nachal vspominat'
poslednij lyubimyj midyuk i vspomniv, nachal fal'shivo orat' ego v
razryvayushchiesya ot uzhasa kolonki. |tim on okonchatel'no razbudil vseh
teh kto eshche tiho posapyval v slotah ...
12. Poslednim prosnulsya Modem , shchelknul paru raz relyuhoj, poiskal
dialtona
i reshil segodnya otdohnut' i ujti v postoyannyj zavis. Odnako podumav
poluchshe i reshiv, chto v takom sluchae ego mogut nachat' pinat' nogami, o
chem uzhe neodnokratno preduprezhdali, on prishel k mysli , chto viset' vse
taki ne stoit, a vot Bizyu lovit' on tochno ne budet."Nahrena mne etot
@#$%?,
begaj eshche za nim ...".
13. Gde to nepodaleku Vint raskruchival bliny i dumal o tom, chto na
nego bednogo padaet osnovnoj zagruz i stoit emu malek shalyavit' i
vsya eta svora zheleza konkretno oblomaetsya , a tut eshche golovy treshchat
posle vcherashnego ... CHto on vchera vsem gruzil, on uzhe zabyl. No
zagruzil on vseh po ushi. "Ne podhvatil li zarazy kakoj vchera ?",-
napryagalsya on,-"a to eshche bedy vystupyat, menya gvozdem k stene prib'yut,
ili zalechat do smerti".
Tak nachinalsya ocherednoj den' ...
"This message has been sent to you for good luck in sex. The original is in
a room in Palaiseau. It has been sent around the world nine times. The sex
has now been sent to you... If you don't then you will never receive sex
again for the rest of your life. You will be celibate forever. This is no
joke".
Haiku error messages for Windows
Did you know that Sony has announced its own computer operating system w
available on its hot new portable PC called the Viao. Instead of oducing the
cryptic error messages characteristic of Microsoft's Windows 98, 95, 1 and
DOS operating systems, Sony's chairman Asai Tawara said, "We intend capture
the high ground by putting a human, Japanese face on what has en - until now
- an operating system that reflects Western cultural hegemony. For example,
we have replaced the usual impersonal and unhelpful crosoft error messages
with our own Japanese haiku poetry."
The chairman went on to give examples of Sony's new error messages:
----------------------------
A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
---------------------------------
The Web site you seek
Cannot be located but
Endless others exist.
----------------------------------
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
----------------------------------
ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have.
You ask way too much.
-------------------------------------
First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
So beautifully.
-------------------------------------
With searching comes loss
And the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.
------------------------------------
The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.
------------------------------------
Window NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
-----------------------------------
Stay the patient course
Of little worth is your ire
The network is down.
-----------------------------------
A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.
-----------------------------------
Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.
-----------------------------------
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
-----------------------------------
You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
-------------------------------------
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
-------------------------------------
Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.
------------------------------------
Rather than a beep
Or a rude error message,
These words: "File Not Found."
--------------------------------------
Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
YuN. Allegoriya dlya modema s horom
YUrij Nesterenko
(Pochti po SHCHerbakovu)
Tri mashiny v sel'hozotdele,
Mozhno v Quake poigrat' - ne zhalko,
No nel'zya zhe, na samom dele,
Celyj vek prosidet' v lokalke.
V staryh igrah rezona netu,
Zrya ty dolbish' raketoj lajner,
Vot podklyuchish'sya k internetu -
Stanesh' haker ili dizajner.
U dizajnerov net nikakogo styda,
Oni lepyat na sajt chto popalo -
Sprava frejm, snizu banner, po centru glyukalo,
Ne vidannoe nikogda -
Marazm, i tol'ko!
Odnako platyat,
Ne znayu, skol'ko -
Na pivo hvatit.
Zato pri dele,
Pryam kak v Evrope -
V HTML'e
I Photoshop'e.
Pravda, est' tam na vremya kvota,
CHto kak budto ne slishkom kruto,
Tol'ko ezheli platit kto-to,
Znachit, den'gi idut komu-to.
Ne pomozhet kopit' monetu
Zdes' ni car', ni geroj, ni glajder,
Budesh' dokoj po internetu -
Stanesh' haker ili provajder.
U provajderov net nikakogo styda,
Nikakoj Goskomsvyaz' im ne strashen,
Vse krichat, chto u nih dogovor besshabashen,
A kto dovodil do suda?
Kto ih otklyuchit?
Neveroyatno!
Nichto ne glyuchit -
Uzhe priyatno.
Zabud' pro krossy,
Okonchi kursy,
U nas zaprosy,
U nih resursy.
Nichego, chto konnekt hrenovyj,
Nichego, chto na sajte daun,
Obryvaj i lomis' po novoj
Hot' v Islandiyu, hot' v Kejptaun.
Izuchaj skrupulezno FAQ'i,
Ne puskaj virusa v butsektor -
Iz tebya vyjdet klassnyj haker,
Ili dizajner, ili konnektor.
U konnektorov net nikakogo styda,
Im voobshche vse vsegda popolamno,
CHego hochesh', tvori, izdevajsya programmno,
A im nikakogo vreda.
Odno otradno -
Hotya i slozhno,
No apparatno
Dostat' ih mozhno.
A my ne bogi,
Zato ne bagi,
Napishem progi,
Proverim flagi.
Vsegda v doroge,
Vsegda brodyagi...
SKAZKA O SISADMINE I EGO SYNE
=====================< Begin Forward >===========================
Sekretarshi za kompom
Zaigralis' vecherkom.
Kab mne byt' zhenoj Admina,-
Govorit odna femina,-
YA b sidela v Internete
Kruglyj god, kak na diete.
- Kab mne vyjti za Admina,-
Govorit druga femina,-
YA b uznala vse passvordy
i zapomnila ih tverdo,
- Kaby vyshla za Admina,-
Tret'ya molvila femina,-
YA b emu za vse dela
Programmista rodila.
Tol'ko vymolvit' uspela,
Dver' koryavo zaskripela -
Poedaya mandarin,
V dver' vlomilsya Sisadmin,
Vo vse vremya razgovora
On tailsya huzhe vora.
- Hy, zdorovo, lamerica,-
Govorit,-davaj zhenit'sya!
I rodi programmarya
Mne k ishodu sentyabrya.
Ostal'nym hochu skazat':
S soliterom zavyazat'!
Poezzhajte vsled za mnoj
I girloj moej krutoj.
Raskatili vy guben' -
Internet, passvordy - len'
Bud' odna iz vas tkachiha,
A drugaya - povariha
Ih ostavil Sisadmin -
I za pivom v magazin.
On ne dolgo sobiralsya,
V tot zhe vecher nakachalsya.
Nakachalsya i prospalsya,
I nazavtra obvenchalsya.
Sisadmin za pir chestnoj
Sel s Adminshej molodoj,
A potom buhie gosti,
Pobrosav v Admina kosti,
Poraz®ehalis' domoj,
V DOOM pinat'sya setevoj.
Na DHe povariha,
Na DHe-2 tkachiha,
I zaviduyut one
Sisadmin o voj zhene.
Sisadminsha molodaya,
Dela vdal' ne otlagaya,
S pervoj nochi ponesla.
V te pory Cimdex byla
Sisadmin s zhenoj prostilsya,
Vzyal noutbuk, poel, pobrilsya
I skazal zhene lyubya.
- Intel pust' hranit tebya!
Mezhdu tem kak on daleko
YUzerov lechil zhestoko,
Iz sluchajnyh velichinm
Syna bog im dal v arshin.
Sisadminsha nad synishkoj -
Kak Bill Gejts nad zolotishkom,
SHlet po IRC gonca,
CHtob obradovat' otca.
A tkachiha s povarihoj,
Svat'ej baboj Floparihoj
Dop'yana gonca poyat
I nahal'no lezut v chat:
"Rodila Adminsha v noch'
Ne to syna, ne to doch',
Ne tulzu i ne igrushku,
A nevedomu monstrushku".
Kak prochel sie Admin,
Ne doev svoj mandarin,
V gneve nachal huliganit'
I uspel gonca zabanit'.
No, smyagchivshis' na sej raz,
Dal goncu takoj ukaz.
"Znat', y nas sud'ba takaya:
Na Reset ne nazhimaya,
ZHdat' Admina vozvrashchen'ya
Do zakonnogo reshen'ya".
Prochitat' hotel gonec -
Da konnekshenu konec.
No tkachiha s povarihoj
S svat'ej baboj Floparihoj,
Vse modemy otrubili,
Lozhnyj messedzh zapustili:
"Sisadmin vmenyaet "kryshe",
Ne tyanya za hvostik myshi,
Sisadminshu i priplod
Tajno brosit' v bezdnu vod",
Delat' nechego, i "krysha",
Porazmysliv o bakshishe
I o zhizni molodoj,
Vdrug naehala tolpoj,
Ob®yaviv Admina volyu -
Ej i synu zluyu dolyu,
Raspechatali prikaz,
I Adminshu v tot zhe chas
V VAHa s synom posadili,
KrAZom VAX tot ottashchili,
Brosiv v glub' morskih stremnin,
Tak velel-de Sisadmin.
Zvezdy kak skrinsejver bleshchut,
Volny slovno shotgan hleshchut,
Tucha kak v Vindah idet,
VAX nash po moryu plyvet.
V nem Adminsha b'etsya, plachet.
Slovno imp po luzham skachet,
I rastet programmer tam
Ne po dnyam. a po chasam.
Den' proshel, Admmnsha vopit,
A ditya volnu toropit:
- Ty volna moya, volna.
Ty kak C++ moshchna.
Neuzhel' ty nas zamochish'?
Formatni moj vint, kol' hochesh',
Il' zabej moi Vindy,
Tol'ko vykin' iz vody.
Zuhel' svoj tebe otdam,
Tol'ko pomogi ty nam!
I kupilasya volna
Tut zhe na bereg ona
VAXa vynesla legon'ko
I svalila potihon'ku.
Mat' s mladencem spasena.
Zemlyu chuvstvuet ona.
No iz VAXa kto ih vynet?
Kto im help teper' podkinet?
Tut programmer podnyalsya,
V dno noutbukom upersya.
Podnatuzhilsya nemnozhko:
- Zdes' by, kak v Vindah, okoshko
Nam prodelat'... - molvil on.
Vyshib dno i vyshel von.
Mat' i syn teper' na vole,
Vidyat holm v shirokom none,
Hlam komp'yuternyj krugom,
Tara, semechki - razgrom.
Syn podumal. "YAshchik piva
SHCHas mne nuzhen osoblivo!"
Glyad' - uzhe 16 RAMa
Dostaet pacan iz hlama:
- Vot prodam ya etot RAM,
I na pivo hvatit nam!
Glyad'- i hard nashel na Gig.
- Otorvut s rukami, v mig.
I poshel na kraj doliny
U morya iskat' kupchiny.
K mori lish' podhodit on,
Slyshit, budto monstra ston,
CHuvstvuet - na more stremno,
Smotrit - i sovsem oblomno:
Lebed' b'etsya sred' zybej,
Korshun nositsya nad nej.
Ta, bednyazhka, tak i pleshchet,
Naposledok vodku hleshchet,
Tot uzh kogti raspustil,
SHestistvolku navostril...
Svistnul SIMM i poletel,
V sheyu korshuna zadel,
Svistnul hard, vzmyvaya vvys',
Tol'ko per'ya razneslis'.
SIMM i hard - bup'-bup', hot' plach',
Da, programmer nash metkach!
Smotrit - korshun v more tonet,
Po-anglijski chto-to stonet.
Lebed' okolo plyvet,
V zlogo korshuna plyuet.
Gibel' blizkuyu toropit -
Mazer bordom v more topit.
I programmeru potom
Molvit russkim yazykom:
- Ty, programmer, moj spasitel',
Moj Dyuk Nyukem- raspylitel'!
Ne tuzhi, chto za. menya,
Pit' ne budesh' ty tri dnya.
CHto hardvare na dne morya-
|to gore - vse ne gore!
Otplachu tebe dobrom -
Okazhu support potom,
Ty ne lebed' ved' izbavil,
Devicu v zhivyh ostavil
Ty ne lamera ubil,
Billa Gejtsa podstrelil.
Vvek tebya ya ne zabudu
Slat' e-mejly chasto budu,
A teper' ty vorotis'
ZHmi shatdaun i spat' lozhis'.
- Mama, ya pozornyj lamer! -
Tak, pridya, skazal programmer,
YA zhe trezvyj kak steklo,
A uzh vremya spat' prishlo!
Vot prodral programmer ochi,
Budto v DOOM igral tri nochi,
I divyas', pered soboj
Vidit on VC bol'shoj,
MMH stoyat ryadami
S zolotymi tauerami,
DVD sverkayut v nih.
Zal tak svetel i tak tih!
On skorej Adminshchu budit.
Ta kak ahnet! - To li budet!
Rulez! Rulez! Vizhu ya,
Lebed' teshitsya moya!
Mat' i syn k kompam podhodyat,
Login s passvordom zavodyat.
Ugadali! Tut trezvon
Podnyalsya, So vseh storon
YUzery navstrechu valyat,
Programmisty Unix hvalyat,
S blyudom yablok zolotyh
Sam Stiv Dzhobs vstrechaet ih,
Glavnym guru velichaet
On programmera. Vruchaet
Banku piva i bychok,
I eshche dlya muh sachok.
Dlya MacOSa uluchshen'ya
S Sisadminshi razreshen'ya
Tut zhe stal programmit' on
I nareksya Monstr Glyukon.
Virus po hardam gulyaet
I programmy raschlenyaet,
I ves' ostrov na ushah.
Glyad' - korabl' bezhit v volnah
Korabel'shchiki divyatsya,
Na korablike tolpyatsya,
Dumayut - pojmali glyuk,
I im vsem teper' kayuk:
Ran'she ostrov yuean ne byl.
Vdrug voznik VC pod nebo!
S brega DOOMery palyat
Korablyu pristat' velyat.
Pristayut k zastave gosti,
Monstr Glyukon zovet ih v gosti,
BFG naverh zadral
I tihon'ko zasheptal:
- Virusa ubit' smogete -
Znachit, cely uplyvete.
Korabel'shchiki e otvet:
- My ob®ehali ves' seet,
Torgovali Doktor Vebom,
Virus- mertv, klyanemsya nebom!
A teper' nam vyshel srok,
Edem pryamo na vostok,
I na to odna prichina:
Navestit' hotim Admina.
Monstr im vymolvil togda:
- Senks ea Veb vam, gospoda,
YA eshche vam task podkinu-
Peredajte Sisadminu
Ot menya trojnoj burbon.
Gosti v put', a Monstr Glyukon
U morya zakvasil sil'no
I rasplakalsya obil'no.
Glyad', sognuvshis' knopkoj 'Vvod",
Lebed' belaya plyvet.
Zdravstvuj, Glyuk ty moj prekrasnyj!
CHto zh kak Windows ty neschastnyj?
Podvisaesh' pochemu? -
Govorit ona emu.
Monstr s toskoj ej otvechaet:
Bagi soft moj raz®edayut.
Pogubili molodca!
Nuzhen mne sovet otca.
Lebed' Monstru:
- Vot v chem gore!
Hochesh', slovno kuler, v more
Poletet' za korablem?
Bud' zhe. Monstr, komarom!
I krypami zamahala,
Novyj kartridzh razlomala
I obsypala ego
CHernym tonerom vsego.
Tut on v piksel' umen'shilsya,
Komarom oborotilsya.
Slovno biper zapishchal,
Sudno na more dognal,
Na korabl' opustilsya.
V bocmanskij flopar' zabilsya.
Kapitan v Starcraft'a b'etsya,
Sudno po volnam nesetsya.
Mimo ostrova Bajtina
K firme slavnogo Admina.
Viden server iz okna,
A za nim i set' vidna.
Skinuli na bereg kosti -
Sisadmin zovet ih v gosti.
A za nimi vnutr' pronik
I nash Monstr-ozornik
Vidit: na sistemnoj plate
Sisadmin sidit v halate.
Na lice zastylo gore,
Gnusnyj Quake na monitore.
A tkachiha s povarihoj,
Svat'ej baboj Floparihoj
Szadi, lamery, sidyat,
V monitor emu glyadyat.
Sisadmin gostej sazhaet
V Quake sygrat' i voproshaet:
- Oj vy, gosti-gospoda,
CHto loginilis' syuda?
Kai vash Vindovs? Tak zhe hudo?
I kakoe v svete chudo?
Korabel'shchiki v otvet:
- Vden' 15 raz Reset
Nazhimaem - eto hudo!
V svete zh vot kakoe chudo:
V more ostrov byl tupoj
Neyuzabel'nyj takoj
ZHili lamery-dubiny,
Byl na nem BK edinyj.
A teper' lezhit na nem
Netvork s novym server'em.
S zolotymi tauerami
I vtorymi pen'tyuhami.
A sidit tam Monstr Gpyukon
On prislal tebe burbon.
Sisadmin divitsya chudu.
- Koli tol'ko trezvym budu,
Lamerov teh naveshchu,
U Glyukona pogoshchu.
A tkachiha s povarikoj,
svat'ei baboj Floparihoj
Ne hotyat ego pustit'
Sabdzhekt chata navestit',
- Budto chajniki vy, pravo,-
Broueer svoj otkryv lukavo,
Povariha govorit,-
U morya VC stoyat!
Znayu sajt, tam ne bezdelka,
Fotka: el', pod el'yu bepka.
Belka shishki sobiraet
I hardy iz nih klepaet
A hardy-to ne prostye
Vse dorozhki zolotye
Vse golovki - izumrud.
Vot chto chudom-to zovut!
CHudu Sisadmin divitsya,
Monstr zloboj azh dymitsya.
Zashvyrnul Glyuchon kak raz
Tetke UPSom pryamo v glaz.
UPS sotryas razryadom telo,
Povariha okrivela.
Svat'ya, zhertva, yuzera -
Vse plyusuyut komara-
- Odnobitovaya bloshka!
My tebya! -A on v okoshko
I terzat' HTML
Na home page svoj poletel
Snova Monstr y morya hodit
I s noutbuka glaz ne svodit.
Glyad': shursha, kak diskovod,
Lebed' Belaya plyvet
Zdravstvuj, Monstr moj prekrasnyj.
CHto zhe kak NT neschastnyj,
Tormozish' ty pochemu?-
Govorit ona emu.
Monstr tut Netskejp puskaet
Sajt zavetnyj otkryvaet.
- Ficher ruleznyj zavest'
Mne b hotelos'. Vidish', est'
El' v lesu, pod el'yu belka
Rulz foreva, ne bezdelka!
Belka shishki sobiraet
I hardy iz nih labaet,
A hardy-to ne prostye,
Vse dorozhki zolotye.
Vse golovki - izumrud,.
No, byt' mozhet, eto flud?
Monstru tak ona replait:
Set' pro belku pravdu baet,
|tu fichu znayu ya,
Ladno, Monstr, dusha moya,
Bez bazarov, rada sluzhbu
Okazat' tebe ya v druzhbu.
Dobryj, budto iz pivnoj,
Monstr potek k sebe domoj.
Lish' voshel v VC rodimyj,
Glyad' - na servere lyubimom
Belka tolstaya sidit,
SHishki zlobno terebit
I vinchestery klepaet,
Srazu v korpus zakryvaet,
SHtabelyami ih kladet
I pro Microsoft poet,
Da pri vsem chestnom narode:
"Windows - d'yavol na svobode"
- Kul! - promolvil Monstr Glyukon,
Mne v ottyag, - dobavil on
Aj da lebed', daj ej Bozhe,
Kajf pojmat' neslabyj tozhe.
Monstr k belochke potom
10 yuzerov pristavil,
S belki pyl' sduvat' zastavil
I uchet devajsam vest',
Monstru pribyl', belke chest'.
Mejly po Seti gulyayut
I vse diski zapolnyayut,
I servak poverglo v prah.
Glyad' - korabl' bezhit v volnah
Mimo ostrova krutogo,
Mimo servera bol'nogo.
S brega DOOMery palyat,
Korablyu pristat' velyat.
Pristayut k zastave gosti,
Monstr Glyukon zovet ih v gosti,
Im raketnicej grozit
I otvet derzhat' velit:
- Server moj podnyat' smogete,
Znachit cely uplyvete.
Korabel'shchiki v otvet:
- My ob®ehali ves' svet,
Torgovali serverami,
Sun'ami da Compaq'ami.
Nam ponyaten tvoj namek,
My slabaem serverok.
Plyt' pozvol' - na to prichina-
Navestit' hotim Admina,
Govorit im Monstr togda:
- Senks za help vam, gospoda!
YA eshche vam task podkinu.
Peredajte Sisadminu
Ot menya "Napoleon"-
Pust' nap'etsya, ohlamon.
Gosti chasik poDOOMilis',
Vyshli von i v put' pustilis'.
K moryu Monstr, a lebed' tam
Spirt p'et s chaem pololam-
Molit Monstr, dusha-de prosit,
Tak i tyanet, i unosit,
I chernilami ego
Oblila ona vsego.
V muhu monstr oborotilsya,
Na korabl' opustilsya,
V cikle povtorya process,
K bocmanu v flopar' zalez.
Bocman s kokom v Mortal b'etsya,
Sudno chert-te kak nesetsya.
Mimo ostrova Dubina
K firme slavnogo Admina.
Viden printer iz okna,
A na nem bachok vina.
Zaoblizyvalis' gosti,
Tut Admin zovet ih v gosti.
A za nimi po pyatam
I nash Monstr - pit' "Agdam".
Na gore iz zhestkih diskov
Sisadmin - krivoj v sosisku.
Na lice zastylo gore,
Heretic na monitore.
A tkachiha s povarihoj,
Svat'ej baboj Floparihoj
Szadi trezvye sidyat,
Na bachok vina glyadyat.
Sisadmin gostej sazhaet
U bachka i voproshaet:
- Oj vy, gosti-gospoda,
CHto konnektilis' syuda?
Kak vash Windows? Tak zhe hudo?
I kakoe v svete chudo?
Korabel'shchiki v otvet:
- V den' po 20 raz Reset
Nazhimaem - eto hudo!
V svete zh vot kakoe chudo:
Ostrov na more lezhit,
A na nem VC stoit,
S zolotymi tauerami
I vtorymi pen'tyuhami.
Tam est' komp razmerom s dom,
Belka obitaet v nem,
SHishki gde-to sobiraet
I hardy iz nih klepaet.
A hardy te ne prostye,
Vse plastiny zolotye,
Vse golovki - izumrud.
Belku yuzery strigut
Pod fason svoeobraznyj,
I postavlen kent otvyaznyj,
CHtob ne smeli k belke lezt',
A inache mozhno sest'.
A hardy - nadezhnej netu!
Hvalyat ih po vsemu svetu.
Dazhe IBM, i tot,
Ih v brandnejm svoi suet.
Vse na ostrove poddaty
Kon'yakom, ne surrogatom!
A sidit tam Monstr Glyukon,
On prislal "Napoleon".
Sisadmin divitsya chudu:
- Esli ne s pohmel'ya budu,
Alkashej teh naveshchu
S nimi piva pohleshchu,
A tkachiha s povarihoj,
Svat'ej baboj Floparihoj
Ne hotyat ego pustit'
Raj nazemnyj navestit'.
Brouzer priotkryvshi liho,
Sajt nasharila tkachiha:
- CHem vas eto udivlyaet?
Belka shishki sobiraet
I hardov labaet grudy,
|to lamerstvo - ne chudo!
Nas takim ne zafludish'.
Pravdu, net li govorish',
V svete est' inoe divo:
More vspenitsya, kak pivo,
Zashipit, podymet voj,
Kak zhivot davno pustoj,
Vdrug zavisnet v shumnom bege,
I ochutyatsya na brege
33 programmarya,
Ot pohmel'ya vse gorya,
Alkonavty udalye,
Psihopaty molodye.
Vse strashny, kak na podbor,
Smolyat druzhno "Belomor",
|to divo, tak uzh divo,
Tak skazat', potyanet s pivom,
==================================================
From: Alexander Temerev Date: 23 Sep 99
#!/usr/local/bin/perl
# The Party
# (s) moj ;)
# warning: DON'T TRY THIS at home! DEMO-VERSION!
require "girls.pl";
require "friends.pl";
require "music.pl";
#$ppedel - skol'ko pyumok mozhno vypit' i ostavat'sya deesposobnym
$ppedel=12;
use ORGY;
use locale;
open (MIND, "<>moi_mysli_moi_skakyny") or die ('Popa v psihyshky...');
open (SAY,">golosovoj_appapat") or die ('Ah, ty eshche i nemoj?!');
open (EARS,"<yshi") or die ('Glyhaya tetepya!');
$sabantyj=new ORGY;
@friendphones=$sabantyj->get('phone',@friends);
@girlsphones=$sabantyj->get('phone',@girls);
open (HLD, "holodil'nik") or die ('Kakaya-to svoloch' zakpyla holodil'nik!');
@ppodykty=<HLD>;
foreach $ppodykt ($ppodykty) {
if ($ppodykt=~/(vodka|vino|pivo|samogon)/) {push @vypivka, $ppodykt}
if ($ppodykt=~/(hleb|syp|kolbasa|pashtet|vinegpet|majonez|pelemenya)/)
{push @zakys',$ppodykt}
}
close HLD;
foreach $phone (@friendphones)
{
call $phone;
open (VOICE, "<>".$phone->$tpybka) or die ('Telefon sloman! :(');
$imya_dpyga=$zapisnaya_knizhka($phone);
print VOICE "Hajstvyj, $imya_dpyga. Pit' bydesh'? Zahodi! Povod najdem...";
$otvet=<VOICE>;
#nizhesledyyushchaya ppovepka neobyazatel'na, tak kak vse soglashayutsya...
if ($otvet=~/da/i) {push @papni,$imya_dpyga."\s"}
}
PHONE: foreach $phone (@girlphones)
{
call $phone;
open (VOICE, "<>".$phone->$tpybka) or die ('Telefon sloman! :(');
$imya_devyshki=$zapisnaya_knizhka($phone);
print VOICE "Ppivetik, $imya_devyshki. My tyt sabantyjchik ystpaivaem, ";
print VOICE "ne zhelaesh' li ppisoedinit'sya?";
$otvet=<VOICE>;
unless ($otvet=~/da/i)
{
print VOICE "Da? A chego tak? U nas takaya klassnaya kompaniya sobpalas', ";
print VOICE "opyat' zhe, @papni tochno bydyt...";
$otvet=<VOICE>;
unless ($otvet=~/(da|ladno|hoposho|ypa|(ya )?soglasna)/i)
{
print VOICE "$imya, ny mozhet vse-taki pojdesh'? Ty tak davno nikyda ";
print VOICE "s nami ne vybipalas'... ya ochen' hochy tebya yvidet'!";
$otvet=<VOICE>;
unless ($otvet=~/(da|ladno|hoposho|ypa|(ya )?soglasna)/i)
{
print MIND "ny i fig s toboj... pozzhe pazbepemsya...";
print VOICE "ny lady, togda poka!";
close VOICE;
next PHONE;
}
}
}
push @devyshki,$imya_devyshki;
print MIND "ny hot' $imya_devyshki soglasilas'...";
}
unless (@devyshki)
{
print MIND "mda... ny chto zh eto za vechepinka bez devyshek?";
$mal'chishnik=1;
}
#zhdem gostej
while ($chislo_gostej!=@devyshki+@papni)
{
$zvyki=<EARS>;
if ($zvyki=~/$zvonok_v_dvep'/)
{
open (DOOR,"dvep'")
$gost'=new VISITOR;
unless ($gost') {die ('Popa v psihyshky...')}
$imya=$gost'->info('name');
$pol=$gost'->info('sex');
if (@papni=~/$imya/ or @devyshki=/)
{
print SAY "Ppivet, $imya! Zahodi!";
$chislo_gostej++;
}
else
{
print SAY "Pposhy pposhcheniya, y nas tyt sabantyjchik. He mogli by vy ";
print SAY "zajti popozzhe?";
}
close DOOR;
}
}
# itak, nachnem!
while (@vypivka)
{
$bytylka=shift @vypivka;
@pyumki=split ("byl'k!"x3,$bytylka);
$moya_pyumka=$pyumki[0];
$moya_zakys'=shift @zakys';
$skazano_tostov=0;
@tpadicionnye_tosty=("za vstpechy!",
"za zdopov'e v lichnoj zhizni!",
"za psshchzsdam!",
"za DAM!",
"ik!.. kopoche, za nas, myzhiki!",
"tost nomep SHESTX!!!",
"za medsest¸p!",
"za oblomki!",
"za myzyky!",
"za milyyu dyshy!",
"mama!");
#obpatite vnimanie: pepemennaya $ymnaya_mysl' dolzhna inicializipovat'sya
#_do_ ppocessa vypivaniya!
$ymnaya_mysl'=<MIND>;
print SAY "Hy... ".$tpadicionnye_tosty[$skazano_tostov];
$skazano_tostov++;
open ROT, ">glotatel'nyj_appapat";
print ROT $moya_pyumka;
print ROT $moya_zakys';
close ROT;
$pyumok_vypito++;
if ($mal'chishnik) {print SAY "ppppyyygg!"}
else {print SAY "a-aaaah!"}
if ($ymnaya_mysl')
{
print SAY "vy znaete, y menya poyavilas' ymnaya mysl'!\n";
print SAY $ymnaya_mysl';
}
}
# poehali dal'she;
unless ($mal'chishnik or $pyumok_vypito>=$ppedel) {
$fonoteka=new MUSIC;
$chto_bym_slyshat'=$fonoteka->zhanp('popsa
tanceval'naya')[int(random($fonoteka))];
$fonoteka->stavim($chto_bym_slyshat');
sort po_stepeni_intepesnosti @devyshki;
while (not $vse_ok)
{
$imya=shift @devyshki;
print SAY "$imya, ne zhelaesh' potancevat'?";
$otvet=<EARS>;
if ($otvet=~/(da|ladno|hoposho|ypa|pojdem)/i)
{
dance ($imya);
# ppovepka dostypnosti: 774 = rwxrwxr--
if ((stat($name))[2]==774)
{
$devyshka=$imya;
kiss ("light",$devyshka);
print SAY "mozhet, ppodolzhim?";
$otvet=<EARS>;
if ($otvet=~/(da|ladno|hoposho|ypa|pojdem)/i)
{
@rooms=<svobodnye_komnaty>;
foreach $komnata (@rooms)
{
if (open(DOOR, $komnata->$dvep'))
{
$komnata->enter;
close DOOR;
lock DOOR;
kiss ("french",$devyshka);
sex ($devyshka);
$vse_ok=1;
}
}
}
}
}
}
sleep int(exp($pyumok_vypito))*3500;
die "Udalas'!";
Myxomop. Ubilla De Billa (polnaya versiya)
Ubilla De Billa (ocherednoj fil'm Tventino Karantino)
http://www.livejournal.com/users/myxomop/686013.html
Scena pervaya.
Nevesta sobiraetsya rozhat'. K nej, ne toropyas', podhodit Bill, napevaya "Kak zhe tebe povezlo, moya nevesta".
Bill: Ty dumaesh', chto ya pil? Ty dumaesh', chto ya tebya bil? Ili chto ya - debil? Na samom dele ya - Betmen!!!
Nevesta: |to tvoj reb£nok! Plati alimenty, kobel'!
Bill: Vot ch£rt! (Strelyaet ej v golovu. Pulya so zvonom otskakivaet)
Bill: Vot ch£rt! (Strelyaet ej v golovu. Pulya so zvonom otskakivaet)
Bill: Vot ch£rt! (Strelyaet ej v golovu. Pulya so zvonom otskakivaet)
Bill: Vot chert, patrony konchilis'! Ladno, hren s toboj! (uhodit, bormocha pro sebya: "Nado skazat' Tventine,
pust' fil'm snimet. I prikupit' bronebojnyh". Nevesta plyu£t emu vdogonku)
Scena vtoraya.
Nevesta na rozovoj pizdovozke priezzhaet k domiku. Vhodit i dolgo, no bezrezul'tatno der£tsya s hozyajkoj.
Vhodit doch' hozyajki.
Doch': Huya sebe!!!
Hozyajka: Ponimaesh', docha, k nam zaletel shmel'...
Doch': Aga, i razn£s nahuj poldoma?
Hozyajka: Nu, eto byl bol'shoj shmel'.
Doch': Aga. A v rakovinu tozhe shmel' nasral?
Vse podozritel'no smotryat na zasmushchavshuyusya nevestu.
Nevesta: Zdravstvuj, devochka! Menya zovut (zapikano slovo)
Hozyajka: Ty chego, koza, ohuela takie slova pri rebenke proiznosit'?!?
Nevesta: YA ne vinovata chto menya tak roditeli nazvali!
Hozyajka: Docha, luchshe my budem zvat' e£ "CHernaya Mamba".
Docha: S kakogo perepugu?!? Otkuda u etoj belozhopoj chernaya mamba?!? Vot u menya mamba dejstvitel'no chernaya!
(gordo pokazyvaet mambu)
Hozyajka: Nu, ponimaesh', ona v svo£ vremya prenebregala lichnoj gigienoj, i poetomu dyadya Bill prozval e£ mambu
chernoj.
Nevesta: Ah ty suka!!! (Kidaetsya na hozyajku)
Hozyajka: Ne pri rebenke!
Nevesta: Nu da, zabyla.
Hozyajka: Docha, chapaj v svoyu komnatu, nam nado srochno pomeryatsya mambami.
Docha: Aga, shchaz!
Hozyajka dosta£t pistolet i strelyaet v nevestu. Pulya privychno rikoshetit ot stal'nogo cherepa i popadaet v
hozyajku.
Nevesta: (Zritelyam) Da-da, ya pomnyu, chto pri detyah ubivat' nehorosho, no tut ne uderzhalas'. (Obrashchayas' k
docheri): Nu, ty zahodi, esli chto.
Saditsya v svoyu rozovuyu pizdovozku i uezzhaet.
Scena tret'ya
Bol'nica im. svyatogo Ebonatiya. Po koridoru cheshet odnoglazaya blondinka s bayanom. U ne£ za spinoj shushukayutsya.
Blondinka zahodit v palatu k neveste.
Blondinka, podsmatrivaya v bumazhku: Smert' vo sne - moj podarok tebe! (v storonu) Kakoj, blyad', mudak pishet
eti teksty!
Iz koridora slyshat'sya kriki "Ajda novuyu medsestru ebat'!". Dver' otkryvaetsya, vvalivaetsya tolpa muzhikov s
voplem "My medbracy i my prishli ebat'sya!"
Blondinka: Da kak vy smeete! YA - chetvert' boevogo podrazdeleniya, sponsiruemogo anonimnym millionerom!
Muzhiki: Konchat' pizdit', sestrenka, potom rasskazhesh'.
Blondinku utaskivayut v koridor. Slyshny e£ kriki: "Da ya veteran Kulikovskoj Bitvy!" i "Pomogite, invalida
nasiluyut!!!". Razda£tsya zvonok e£ mobil'nogo. Grubyj muzhskoj golos otvechaet: "Znaesh', Bill, ona sejchas ne
mozhet s toboj pogovorit' - u ne£ rot zanyat".
Scena chetvertaya
Bol'nica im. svyatogo Ebonatiya, chetyre goda spustya. Nevestu klyu£t v zhopu zharenyj petuh. Ona s vozglasom
"Blin, opyat' na rabotu! Eshch£ polchasika..." svorachivaet emu sheyu, perevorachivaetsya na drugoj bok i snova
zasypaet. Vhodyat medbrat i izvrashchenec.
Medbrat: YA pozvolyu tebe e£ trahnut', esli ty (zaglyadyvaet v knizhku) dash' mne krysu na verevochke i dva, net,
tri yabloka!
Izvrashchenec: Gy!
Medbrat: Pravila: beloe ne nosit', obtyagivayushchee ne nadevat'!
Izvrashchenec: Gy!
Medbrat: I ne tancevat'!
Izvrashchenec: Gy!
Medbrat: E£ slivovoe derevo sovsem zasohlo, tak chto mozhesh' smelo mochit' fistashki.
Izvrashchenec: CHEGO?!?
Medbrat: Ne obrashchaj vnimaniya, eto perevodchika glyuchit.
Izvrashchenec: A...
Medbrat: Za rabotu, tovarishchi! (uhodit chitat' "Toma Soera" dal'she)
CHerez nekotoroe vremya. Iz-za dveri palaty nevesty razdayutsya istoshnye kriki. Vhodit medbrat.
Medbrat: Dobryj den'! Na chto zhaluemsya?
Izvrashchenec: YA zastryal!
Medbrat: Gde?
Izvrashchenec: Glupyh voprosov ne zadavaj, da?
Medbrat: Ponyatno. Tak, ukol'chik. (Beret so stolika ostavlennyj odnoglazoj blondinkoj shpric i kolet
izvrashchenca. Tot padaet zamertvo. Brat s udivleniem smotrit na bayan).
Nevesta saditsya i zadumchivo vytiraet okrovavlennye ploskogubcy o prostynyu. Potom smotrit na medbrata. V
golove u ne£ chto-to shchelkaet i zvuchit fraza "YA medbrat' i ya prish£l ebat'".
Nevesta: Znachit, ty medbrat
Medbrat: Aga.
Nevesta: Skazhi, v chem pravda, brat?
Medbrat: As'?
Nevesta: Proehali. I ty prishel syuda ebat'.
Medbrat: Aga. My rabotaem po metodike professora Poebajko E.³. Ona osnovyvaetsya na tom, chto net nichego
strashnee nedovyebannoj baby. Poetomu my regulyarno eb£m svoih pacientok, chtoby u nih bylo horoshee nastroenie.
Krome togo, sushchestvuet gipoteza, chto regulyarnyj vaginal'nyj massazh... (nevesta stuchit sebya po golove.
Razda£tsya kolokol'nyj zvon)
Nevesta: A-a-a!!!
Medbrat: Na chto zhaluemsya?
Nevesta: Golova chugunnaya!
Medbrat: Nu da. Vam mozgi vyshibli, i my vam vstavili prosten'kie pozitronnye. Vy dazhe ne zametite.
Nevesta: Spasibo. A gde moj rebenok?
Medbrat: Kotoryj?
Nevesta: V SMYSLE?!?
Medbrat: Nu, za pyat' let primeneniya metodiki professora Poebajko vy nezametno stali mater'yu shesteryh
ocharovatel'nyh malyshej... (v golove nevesty snova chto-to otchetlivo shch£lkaet)
Nevesta: Gde Bill?!?
Medbrat: YA tak i znal, chto ty mne izmenyala!!!
Medbrat zalamyvaet ruki i pytaetsya vybezhat' iz palaty, no neudachno b'£tsya golovoj o dvernoj kosyak i umiraet.
Nevesta, bormocha chto-to vrode "psihushka, blya" zabiraet klyuchi ot rozovoj pizdovozki i upolzaet v garazh.
Scena pyataya.
Bol'nica im. svyatogo Ebonatiya, palata nevesty. Vhodyat professor Poebajko i komissiya iz sanepidemstancii.
Komissiya: Aga, mertvyj medbrat!!!
Poebajko: Net, on prosto pril£g otdohnut'!
Trinadcat' chasov spustya.
Poebajko: Vot vidite, on shevel'nulsya!
Komissiya: Da Vy zhe pnuli ego nogoj!
Poebajko: YA - nikogda!
Komissiya. On umer! Skleil lasty! Otbrosil kopyta! Prikazal dolgo zhit'! Perekinulsya! Otpravilsya k predkam!
Nakrylsya pizdoj! |to - eks-brat!
Scena shestaya.
Nevesta lezhit v pizdovozke i po£t "Vstavaj, proklyat'em zaklejm£nnyj".
Scena sed'maya.
Roskoshnaya villa v Gollivude. Puma Durman v isterike, vokrug ne£ begaet Karantino.
Durman: Hochu mul'tiki!!!
Karantino: Nikakih mul'tikov!
Durman: Hochu!!!
Karantino: Nu kakie, v zhopu, mul'tiki!!! YA zhe kinorezhisser!!! KINO!!!
Durman: A ya hochu mul'tiki!!! Ty menya sovsem ne lyubish'! A vot u Drachovskih est' mul'tiki!
Karantino: Zaebala! Na tebe mul'tiki!!!
Zasovyvaet v vidak kassetu s anime. Durman zasovyvaet v rot bol'shoj palec i prilipaet k ekranu.
Karantino: Dura.
Durman plyu£t v Karantino.
Scena vos'maya.
Okinava, YAponiya. Nevesta zahodit v kabak.
Nevesta: Domo, arigato, konichiva, £b tvoyu mat'!
Barmen: CHto pit' budete?
Nevesta: Abrau-Dyurso, kavaj!
Vbegaet Neo.
Neo: Pifij, vopros zhizni i smerti, bystro!
Barmen: Po koridoru do konca i napravo.
Neo ubegaet.
Nevesta: Pifiya?!?
Pifij: Nu da. Vot, reshila uznat', kak eto - s nimi.
Nevesta: S kem?
Pifij: S yajcami. No ty prishla ne za etim.
Nevesta: Pifiya...
Pifij: Ty hochesh' sprosit', otkuda ya vs£ znayu?
Nevesta: Aga.
Pifij: Nu, v otlichie ot vas, pridurkov, ya chitayu scenarij.
Nevesta: A... Tak vot...
Pifij: Dazhe i ne dumaj ob etom. Magicheskij mech velikogo mastera Otkovatto Herovato zabral Morfeus - emu
nuzhno Bliznecov porubit'. I potom, ty zhe vs£ ravno ego derzhat' ne umeesh'.
Nevesta: Da ya zakonchila dvuhdnevnye kursy!
Pifiya: Voz'mi luchshe benzopilu! Kak v "Dume" - vzhik-vzhik - unosi gotoven'kogo! Na!
Nevesta: Blya, kavaj! BFG by eshch£...
Pifiya: A kol'co vsevlastiya tebe ne zavernut'?
Nevesta: A chto, est'?
Gorlum, iz kuhni: Oni ukrali moyu prelesssst'!
Iz tualeta vozvrashchaetsya dovol'nyj Neo.
Neo: S etoj sranoj yaponskoj pishchej ot tolchka na paru shagov ne otojd£sh'! O, Nevesta, privet! Nu chto, matrica
imeet tebya?
Nevesta: Imeet, Neo, imeet.
Neo: Nu, togda, mozhet i ya poimeyu?
Nevesta: Gospodi, kak zhe vy vse zaebali.
Scena devyataya.
Nevesta treniruetsya na lesopilke. V ne£ kidayut brevno, a ona na letu vypilivaet iz nego nabor venskoj mebeli
na dvenadcat' person i Buratino.
Scena desyataya.
Zasedanie yaponskoj mafii.
Ohuejshi: A chto eto boss Odnako nichego ne p'£t?
Odnako: Menya muchaet ponos! To est' vopros!
Ohuejshi: Nu?
Odnako: Skazhite, Vy v mul'tikah ne snimalis'?
Ohuejshi otrubaet Odnako golovu.
Ohuejshi: Kazhdomu pidorasu, kotoryj sprosit menya pro mul'tiki, ya budu otrubat' yajca. (Smotrit na golovu
Odnako). |... Po samye ushi! A chtoby bylo ponyatnee, ya po-anglijski skazhu: Everybody be cool! This
is a robbery! Any of you fucking pricks move, and I'll execute every
motherfucking last one of you!
Bossy mafii, horom: We love you, Honey Bunny!
Scena odinnadcataya.
V restoran vhodit nevesta v vodolaznom kostyume, maske i lastah.
Nevesta: Tventino, nu chto za eb tvoyu mat'!
Karantino: Molchi, dura! Imenno v etom kostyume hodil Kuba Guding v fil'me "Voennyj Nyryal'shchik"!
Nevesta: Nu hot' lasty-to mozhno snyat'?
Karantino: V tualete. Hot' eto i ne po-dzhedajski.
Ohuejshi: Igogo, chto eto tam shumit?
Igogo, pod nos: Vodopad, tvoyu mat'.
Uhodit smotret'. Vozvrashchaetsya.
Igogo: |to Nevesta priperlas'.
Ohuejshi: I chto ona delaet?
Igogo: Na potolke visit.
Ohuejshi: A vot kogda ya byla angelom CHarli...
YAkodzuny, so vzdohom: Blya, tol'ko ne eto!
Ohuejshi: Sofa, pojdi, skazhi Neveste "Zdras'te".
T£tya Sofa: Privet, Nevesta. Kak dela?
Nevesta: Poka ne rodila!
Otpilivaet t£te Sofe ruku.
Nevesta: Esli Ohuejshi sejchas ne vyjdet - ya otpilyu tebe ruku!
T£tya Sofa: A ran'she ty ne mogla skazat'?
Nevesta, vinovato: YA kak-to ne podumala...
Otpilivaet t£te Sofe vtoruyu ruku.
Ohuejshi: Igogo, chto eto tam shumit?
Igogo, pod nos: Vodopad, tvoyu mat'.
Uhodit smotret'. Vozvrashchaetsya.
Igogo: Nevesta shinkuet t£tyu Sofu.
Vse: Kruto! Aj-da smotret'!
Vybegayut v zal, gde ih raspilivaet Nevesta.
Ohuejshi: Igogo!
Nevesta: Moya loshadka!
Vkatyvaetsya devochka na share. Nekotoroe vremya pytaetsya uderzhat' ravnovesie, potom s voplem "³bannyj Pikasso!"
gruzno padaet. Zatem podnimaetsya i nachinaet pinkami gonyat' Nevestu.
Nevesta: Kisa, ty chto, na menya obidelas'?
Igogo: Iz-za tebya vyrezali moyu sestru!
Nevesta: Okstis', u tebya net sestry!
Igogo: Vot imenno! A v scenarii byla! No e£ vyrezali! CHtoby ty mogla poplevat'sya v sherifa!
Nevesta: Nu, vo-pervyh, mne ochen' hotelos' plyunut' v etogo mudaka, a, vo-vtoryh, eto zhe ya splyu s Karantino, a
ne ona!
Igogo: |to ty tak dumaesh'!
Nevesta: A ty suka! (Protykaet Igogo nozhkoj ot stola). Tak budet s kazhdym, kto progulivaet shkolu! Nu chto,
Ohuejshi, prihuejshi?
Razda£tsya shum.
Nevesta: |to dumayu, chto ya dumayu, chto ty dumaesh' ya dumayu?
Ohuejshi: Sama-to ponyala, chto skazala?
Nevesta: Ot kozy i slyshu!
Ohuejshi: Nu vs£, eto tvoj konec!
Nevesta: V smysle, tvoi koncy?
Ohuejshi: Nu, mozhno i tak skazat'.
V zal vryvayutsya orki i gobliny.
Nevesta: Nda... Ty by ih pomyla, chto li...
Ohuejshi: CHto eto za hujnya?!?
Vbegaet Gendal'f.
Gendal'f: Idioty!!! Pidorasy!!! Nedoumki!!! Vam zhe skazali - vo vtoroj pavil'on!!! A vy kuda priperlis'? A
nu poshli von, pridurki!!!
Orki uhodyat. Povisaet nelovkaya pauza. Nevesta podnimaet brov'.
Ohuejshi: Dyk eta... Opan'ki.
V zal vbegayut izryadno utykannye el'fijskimi strelami yakodzuny.
Ohuejshi: Blya, gde vy byli?!?
YAkodzuny: Hozyajka, ne poverish', polyankoj oshiblis'!
Ohuejshi: A nu vse bystro gerojski umerli!
Nevesta nachinaet hudozhestvenno vypilivat' po yakodzunam. Ohuejshi uhodit.
Nevesta: |j, mat', ty kuda sobralas'?
Ohuejshi: Mne nado possat' pered reshayushchej bitvoj. Esli hochesh' lyubvi, bol'shoj, no chistoj - prihodi vecherom na
senoval.
Nevesta, yakodzunam: Poezd dal'she ne id£t, pros'ba osvobodit' vagony. Otpilennye konechnosti ne zabyvaem
ostavlyat'! Sofa, prosledi!
T£tya Sofa: Na hera oni tebe?
Nevesta: Holodec sdelayu!
Scena dvenadcataya.
Senoval. Igraet pesnya "Belye rozy" gruppy "Laskovyj Maj".
Ohuejshi: Za chto lyublyu tvoego hahalya - tak eto za nestandartnyj vybor muzychki.
CHirkaet po Neveste mechom.
Nevesta: Ty chego, blyad', sovsem sbrendila?!? Ty zhe menya isportish', dura! My e£ na pomojke nashli, v lyudi
vyveli...
Ohuejshi: O gore mne, gore. (Otrubaet sebe polovinu zhopy i umiraet)
Scena trinadcataya.
V bagazhnike.
Nevesta: Tak, Sofa, esli ty ne budesh' otvechat', to ya tebe chto-nibud' otpilyu! (Otpilivaet Sofe obe nogi)
T£tya Sofa, oglyadyvaya sebya: Znaesh', pozhaluj, ya tebe bol'she nichego ne skazhu.
Nevesta: Ty obmanula menya, naglaya evrejskaya morda!
T£tya Sofa: Kak ty mozhesh' byt' antisemitom, kogda kakih-to 60 let nazad milliony evreev pogibli v
neillyuzornyh topkah Holokosta?!?
Nevesta: Molchi! (Vyryvaet Sofe yazyk). I peredaj Billu...
T£tya Sofa ehidno ulybaetsya.
Nevesta: CH£rt.
Nevesta vygruzhaet Sofu s prichindalami okolo vivariya.
Scena chetyrnadcataya.
Bill: Gospodi, chto eti yaponskie frankenshtejny sdelali s moej lyubimoj Sofochkoj!
T£tya Sofa pochesyvaet levoj rukoj, prishitoj vmesto pravoj nogi, neizvestno otkuda vzyavshiesya yajca.
Scena pyatnadcataya.
Nevesta v aeroportu.
Nevesta: Dva bileta do Parizhu!
Sluzhashchij: A eto chto?
Nevesta: Benzopila!
Sluzhashchij: Vy by eshch£ shotgan s soboj vzyali.
Nevesta, dostavaya shotgan: Takoj?
Scena shestnadcataya.
Nevesta v samol£te tshchatel'no pishet, vysunuv ot userdiya yazyk. Kamera pokazyvaet rezul'tat e£ trudov:
Kravavaya mstya:
1. Raznoe
5. Ubit' Billa.
Svetalo...
MyxoMop, 2003-2004.
From: Sergej
Avtor perevoda ne ustanovlen.
Rybka plavaet v tomate,
Ej v tomate horosho,
Tol'ko ya, edrena mater',
Mesta v zhizni ne nashel.
Fish in thick tomato sauce
Swims in happy comatose
Only me, pathetic wimp,
Have no fucking place to swim.
Po reke plyvet topor
iz sela CHugueva,
Hu i pust' sebe plyvet
zhelezyaka hueva...
Down the river drifts an axe
From the town of Byron.
Let it float by itself -
Fucking piece of iron!!!
Menya devki s soboj zvali,
A ya s nimi ne poshel -
Pidzhachishko na mne rvanyj
I huishko nebol'shoj.
Girls have called me to the party -
I decided not to come,
It's because my clothes are ugly
and my dick is a tiny one.
S neba zvezdochka upala
Pryamo milomu v shtany,
Pust' gorit tam, chto popalo,
Lish' by ne bylo vojny.
Starlet's fallen from the heavens
Right into my boyfriend's briefs,
I don't mind his roasted penis
If it helps us live in peace.
YA lezhala s Kolen'koj sovershenno golen'koj,
Potomu chto dlya krasy ya snyala s sebya trusy.
I was sleeping with my honey absolutely naked,
I have taken my panties off just to make a statement.
Kratkij kurs anglijskogo yazyka
I have been there - U menya tam fasol'.
We are the shamrions - My shampin'ony.
Vue bue babu, babu good bue - Kupi kupi rebenka, reb£nok horoshaya pokupka.
To be or not to be? - Pchela ili ne pchela?.
I fell in love - YA svalilsya v lyubov'.
I will never give ur - Menya nikogda ne toshnit.
Oh dear - Ah olen'.
I'm going to make uou mine - YA idu kopat' tebe shahtu.
Finnish reorle - Konchennye lyudi.
Vad influense - Plohaya prostuda.
Rhone seller - Pozvoni prodavcu.
Good rrodusts - Bog na storone utok.
Let's have a rartu - Davajte organizuem partiyu.
Rress srase bar to sontinue - Kosmicheskij bar pressy prodolzhaet.
San You hear me - Ty mozhesh' menya zdes'.
Undressed sustom model - Golaya tamozhennaya model'.
Manisure - Den'gi lechat.
I'm just asking - YA vsego lish' korol' zhop.
I love uou babu - YA lyublyu vas, baby!
How do you do? - Kak ty eto delaesh'?
All right! - Vs£ pravoj!
All Rights Reserved - Vse pravye zanyaty.
By the way - Kupi rel'sy.
I'll be back - YA stanu zadnicej pchely.
I've just seen your balance sheet - Videl ya vash balans... tak sebe balans. ;
Aftory FAQ na LoR zhgut :)
Origin: http://www.livejournal.com/community/ru_root/207282.html
Glossarij (nu sovsem neformal'nyj :)
Sam-to ya (fagot) ne v vostorge ot etogo razdela, da i samogo ego sushchestvovaniya... No ved'
sprashivayut :) A ya (jackill) udivlyayus', kak mozhno ne dogadat'sya ob ih znachenii.
Must Die, on zhe "Mastdaj" ili prosto "masdaj" - zhelayut skoroj konchiny chemu libo, chasto
i v osnovnom - OS Microsoft Windows (tm), vplot' do upotrebleniya kak sinonima :)
V offtopike, pod offtopikom V MS Windows, pod MS Windows.
R.I.P - Rest In Peace, pokojsya v mire, no obychno upotreblyayut v tom zhe kontekste, chto i
must die.
[v] Bioreaktor [im. Lugovskogo] - tozhe, chto i v "f topku", t.e. "nafig nado"
Russkie fiziki... namek na rekordnyj po chislu soobshchenij flejm, gde byli zatronuty
prakticheski vse voprosy mirozdaniya, sluchivshijsya v obsuzhdenii stat'i Russkie fiziki
vybirayut Slackware.
Krasnoglazye - imeyutsya vvidu linuksoidy, kompiliruyushchie svoi programmy po nocham, obychno
v hudshem znachenii etogo slova :)
"Zaparili skrinshoty s LOR" - imeetsya vvidu otkrytyj brauzer s zagruzhennym linux.org.ru
na kartinke. Dejstvitel'no, takih byvaet ochen' mnogo. Ne pishite etogo, moderatory udalyat,
chto mozhet otrazit'sya na vashih zvezdochkah.
PNH - poshel k chertu, no eshche dal'she ;)
SSZB - Sam Sebe Zlobnyj Buratino, obychno - "sam vinovat"
HZ - bukval'no s "esperanto" - "ya ne znayu" ;)
KG/AM - Stat'ya plohaya, avtor - nehoroshij chelovek (podrobnosti na udaff.com).
Telepaty v otpuske - Vopros sformulirovan otvratitel'no: nechetko opisana problema,
nechetko opisany usloviya vozniknoveniya problemy. Nuzhno pouchit'sya zadavat' voprosy,
Iksy - slengovoe nazvanie X-servera (XFree86, xorg).
Myaso - slengovoe nazvanie sajta http://freshmeat.net
Posmotri v osle - Vospol'zujsya piringovoj set'yu EDonkey.
1. My delili kokain
(znakomyj Horek, po sluchayu, provez v zhope svertok iz Kolumbii)
2. Mnogo nas, a gramm odin
(v nashem rajone vse zhivotnye bednye, poetomu babla hvatilo tol'ko na odin razbodyazhennyj gramm)
3. _______________ - vot doroga dlya Ezha
(real'nyj pacan; emu, voobshche-to, bol'she vseh polagaetsya, no on plotno sidit na ?hmurom?, poetomu ego podobnye igrushki, prakticheski, ne
interesuyut)
4. ___________________________ - vot doroga dlya Uzha
(etot pidor dlinnyj, kak begovaya lyzha ? vechno boitsya, chto emu ne hvatit)
5. _____ - vot doroga dlya CHizha
(trus i slabak!)
6. .???????. ? vot posuda dlya bomzha
(vystavili na lestnicu pustye butylki dlya Tolika ? on chasto zahodit k nam ?za hrustalem?, kak on sam vyrazhaetsya)
7. ________ - vot doroga dlya Utyat
(brat'ya-bliznecy, prichem prozhzhennye halyavshchiki; razmazat' by ih oboih odnim udarom nogi po plintusu, chtoby nepovadno bylo!)
8. ===== - vot doroga dlya Kotyat
(na samom dele, dve dorogi, konechno? Kretiny. Mazhory sranye. Persy, blyad'! Esli by den'gami ne vlozhilis' ? kto by ih zvat'-to stal?..)
9. _ - vot doroga dlya Bobra
(emu pohuyu ? on voobshche ukurok, etot Bober. Ego polyube ne vstavlyaet. Pomnite ?Bober, vydyhaj?? Nu, tak eto pro nego)
10. nu a Volku?.. A VOLKU - NI HERA! POTOMU CHTO ON STUKACH, GNIDA I KOZ³L!!! I VOOBSHCHE - PUSTX VALIT KO VSEM CHERTYAM, SANITAR, BLYADX, LESA!!!
V TAKOM SLUCHAE, HOREK U NAS ? SANITAR STEPEJ, BOBER ? SANITAR NEDOZHEVANNOJ OSINY, A TOLIK ? VOOBSHCHE SANITAR POD¬EZDA. TAK CHTO DAVAJ
OTSYUDA, SERYJ! DAVAJ-DAVAJ, KATISX!
The past few days according to LJ
Jan 2006
http://azurelunatic.livejournal.com/4817217.html
[Edited to add: The Alliance of Readers' Keyboards, Monitors, Housemates &
Pets have advised that food and/or beverages be put to the side before read
ing.]
Malicious Security Crackers: "We used to take an account and try out about 40,000 passwords on it in
about 5 seconds to see if it would unlock.
LJ doesn't let us do that anymore. Damn that LJ! We'll show them! Here, have a malicious script!"
Malicious script: *takes 5 most commonly used passwords, tries them on 40,000 different accounts*
4000 LJ accounts: *unlock*
Malicious Security Crackers: "Score!"
LJ Geeks: "O RLY."
LJ: *stops allowing even remotely easy passwords*
4000 LJ users: "Hey! That was a perfectly good password! Why'd you make me change it?"
LJ Support: *facepalm*
LJ Geeks: *write more code*
LJ Admin: "Release the code!" *pokes server*
LJ Server: *falls over* "Error 500! Ow!" *can't get up*
LJ Admin: *blush*
LJ Addicts: "OMG ERROR 500!!"
LJ Support: "We know."
Bantown Crackers: "Hey, cool security flaws in Javascript, IE, and Firefox!"
Security Flaws: "How are you gentlemen?!"
LJ: "What happen?"
Bantown Crackers: "All your base are belong to us."
LJ Admin: "Subdomains for everybody! Fuck off, craxx0rbitches."
Free Users: "Yaaaay!"
Paid Users: "...no fair. Like we ever use voice post."
Permanent Users: "STFU, n00bs."
LJ Admin: "What they said. Suck it. Security reasons. Plenty of other sites out there."
Early Adopters: "Where's the LOVE?"
brad: "STFU, n00bs."
_____xo_so_em0_x_xx_____: "MY UNDERSCORES! WTF!"
LJ Support: "You got a rename token, so suck it."
so__________gratuitous_x_x_x: "WTF? They got a free rename token and I didn't?"
LJ Support: "It's called restrictions on what subdomains can be named. Your username still works. Deal."
so__________gratuitous_x_x_x: "OMG THE HYPHENS!"
note_to_cat maintainer volunteering in Support: "Suck it."
Bantown Crackers: "We still got cookies, yo."
LJ Admins: "Oh no you don't."
All login cookies: *expire*
Bantown Crackers: "Well, fuck. Eh, more suckers to hack out there."
All previously logged-in users: "WTF? We're logged out!"
LJ Support: "Big frickin' deal. Log in again. Duh."
The half of LJ that wasn't paying attention: "...Dude. What did they do with the
passwords and URLs and shit? How come I got logged out?
Somebody? Anybody? Bueller?"
LJ Support: "OMG HEADACHE."
O RLY - Oh, really
OMG - Oh, my God
STFU - Shut The Fuck Up
WTF - What The Fuck
n00by - Newbe
Associacii Bulychev i albanskij yazyk
(Dlya teh, kto ne v kurse - byl ran'she takoj zname-enityj mul'tik pro Alisu Seleznevu...)
"Derzhi kurs na sistemu Meduzy!"(s) = "v Bobrujsk, zhyvotnoe!".
"Mogu predlozhit' govoruna"(s) = "uchi albanskij".
"|to skliss, on nichej"(s) = boyan.
"Otlichaetsya umom i soobrazitel'nost'yu"(s) = "afftar zhzhot!".
"Rastitel'nosti net, poleznyh iskopaemyh net, vody net, naselena robotami"(s) = "kg/am".
"|to tigrokrys s planety Penelopa. On pitaetsya dikimi bykami"(s) = "uzhos nah!".
"Derrzhat'sya netu bol'she sil!"(s) = "rzhunimagu!".
"Ostavajtes'! Budete Genial'nym Mehanikom Planety!"(s) = "afftar, peshi ischo".
"Pridetsya vam smazku menyat'"(s) = "afftar, vypej jadu".
"Zdravstvuj, smeeelaya ptica!"(s) = "pervyj n....!".
"Nu ya zhe prosil 400 kapel', a tut 402!"(s) = "niasilil".
"Ne lyublyu ya etih tajn i zagadok!"(s) = "actoj!".
"Uzh bol'no zdes' krasivo! ZHdi bedy"(s) = "gde ty beresh' etu travu?".
"On stanet fioletovym, v krapinku!"(s) = "gotich'no".
"Pravyj hvost dlinnee!"(s) = "ofiget', dajte dve!".
"CHudo vrazhdebnoj tehniki"(s) = "acckij sotona!", libo "kg/am", libo "ahtung".
"My ne bandity! My chestnye piraty!"(s) = "sliv zaschitan!"
"YA znal, chto eto dobrom ne konchitsya!"(s) = "ubej sibya apstenu".
"Vy spasliii menya!"(s) = blagodarnost' za ssylku.
"Papa, smotri! Tam doktor Verhovcev!"(s) = "fsem ftykat'".
"Ponesla ptencam novuyu igrushku"(s) = "ftopku!".
"Net Alisa, ty imenno naprashivaesh'sya!"(s) = "kisa kuku".
"Papa, eto zhe nevidimye ryby!"(s) = "kartinki ne gruzyacco".
"|to... nazyvaetsya... TORTIK??"(s) = "pod kat!".
"Grubiyan i nevospitannyj tip!"(s) - v etom smysle i ispol'zovat'.
"Potom razberu na zapchasti"(s) = "zavtra asilyu".
Origin: http://www.livejournal.com/users/olya_homelist/75927.html
kroshka-syn k otcu prish£l,
i sprosila kroha:
chto takoe "AFFTAR ZHZHOT" ?
ponimayu ploho
u menya sekretov net,
chtoby vse uznali -
papy etogo otvet
pomeshchu v zhurnale...
esli ot rasskaza rv£t
desyat' sutok kryadu,
to napishut: NIZACHOT,
AFFTAR VYPEJ JADU.
byl chitatel' uvlech£n,
gromko rzhal ves' ofis?
skazhut: PYATX! PESHY ISCHO!
ili zhe: VMEMORIZ.
esli post chernee urny,
zhutche sna nevrotika,
on ni razu ne GLAMURNYJ,
eto, tipa, GOTIKA.
esli paren' smotrit
volkom, i mechtaet: trahnu
parnya - ne obshchajtes' dolgo,
etot malchik - AHTUNG!
kol' fludish' ty bez konca,
tol'ko tem i zanyat,
znaj - takogo molodca
vskorosti zabanyat.
a opublikuesh' foto
v vide neuzhatom,
srazu zhe poprosit kto-to
pol'zovat'sya katom.
esli kto konkretno tup,
skudoumen adski,
posovetuyut emu
VYUCHITX ALBANSKIJ.
nu a koli avtor krut,
i ne tol'ko s vida,
pro takogo pishut tut:
on ZHZH-elita.
kto-to, hot' i sam s vershok,
sporit' ne boitsya,
umnyj sporshchik - horosho,
v zhizni prigodicca.
stanut v spore oskorblyat',
/tipa, mol, zashchita/,
nado srazu zhe skazat':
TOCHKA. SLIV ZASCHITAN.
kto-to pishet PERVYJ NAH,
kto-to pishet DYBR,
u kogo-to nedotrah,
malen'kij kalibr.
kto-to prosit deneg v dolg,
s miru, da po rubliku,
kto-to znaet v shutkah tolk,
razvlekaet publiku.
kto-to prosto tak privyk,
kto - oshibsya adresom,
u kogo-to YUZERPIK
kl£vyj (MNE PONRAVILSO)...
mal'chik ponyal vs£ uzhe,
i reshila kroha:
"eto ihnee ZHeZHe -
shtuka ne dlya loha".
Origin: http://community.livejournal.com/ru_antireligion/432325.html
Istinyj Pravoslavnyj : Otche nash, izhe esi na nebesi...
Bog : Nu?
IP : |to kto?
Bog : Kak kto? |to ya - YAhve. CH£ hotel?
IP {kresticca}: Oh ty gospodi!
Bog : Koroche, chego tebe?
IP : Gospodi, ty li osenil menya svoim svyatym glagolom?
Bog {v storonu} : Nu chevo nikto iz nih normal'no razgovarivat' ne
umeet?
IP : Gospodi, izvol' mne molitvu voznesti vo slavu tvoyu.
Bog {zainteresovanno} A chto chitat' budesh'?
IP : Otche nash.
Bog {razocharovanno} : Opyat'? Zadolbali. Tyshchu let odnu telegu tolkayut.
Ona v mo£m hitparade v samom anuse.
IP : Izvol' togda glagolit' aki serdce prikazhet.
Bog {zevaya} : Nu glagol'.
IP : Molyu tebya snizojti do raba tvoego, many nebesnoj nisposhli daby mog
ya slavit' imya tvoe i nesti lyudyam blaguyu vest', daby uslyshali...
Bog : A pokoroche?
IP : Deneg daj.
Bog: A molniej po srake?
IP : Ponyal.
Bog : Ne ssy. Tebe zachem den'gi?
IP : Hramy vo slavu tvoyu stroit', sirotam pomogat'. V obshchem na blagie
dela.
Bog : YA voobshche-to vysshee sushchestvo, ya mysli chitayu. U tebya pochemu vse
siroty s chetv£rtym razmerom grudi?
IP : {hlopaecca na koleni} Ne gnevis' bozhe! To menya d'yavol poputal!
Bog {or£t komu-to v storonu} : Lyucyj, tut odin na tebya strelku
perevodit.
Lyucifer : Ugu, tak i zapishem : "pesdel na Knyazya T'my".
IP {scyklivo} : Gospodi, oboroni ot supostata nechistogo.
Bog : Nu esli zajm£sh'sya mne godnym delom, to spishem. YA zhe, slava mne,
ne konchenyj padonok.
IP {neistovo kresticca, b®£cca golovoj ob pol}: Da prid£t carstvie
tvo£, da budet volya tvoya.
Bog : Vot debil.
IP : Budu vo imya tvoe Rus' ot zhidov nehristej osvobozhdat'.
Bog {opyat' krichit v storonu} : Net, Mojshe, ty slyshal, chto skazal etot
goj?
Moisej : Vejz mir! Sdalsya mne etot shlemazl. Esli by ya otkladyval po
shekelyu kazhdyj raz, kogda eto slyshal...{uhodit v podsch£ty}
Bog {obrashchayas' k IP} : Za odnu molitvu dva raza zaporol. Kak gricca:
komu ya mozgov ne dal...
IP {s nadezhdoj} : No vot, bozhe, po mudrosti tvoej obdelil ty menya
razumom. Ne vinovat ya, ibo az esm' tvar' nerazumnaya po obrazu i podobiyu
tvoemu.
Bog : Sam ponyal, chto skazal?
IP : Oj!
Bog {raspalyayas'} : Pridurkom menya eshch£ nikto ne nazyval... {kosicca v
storonu Lyucifera} ...nu pochti nikto.
IP : Bozhe, bud' milostiv. Ty zhe milostiv?
Bog: YA?
IP : Nu v pisanii skazano.
Bog : Tak ya spezdel.
IP : A kak zhe zapovedi?
Bog : A mne mozhno. Ladno, vali otsyuda. Tipa ya tebya prostil. Nu malen'ko
vs£ zhe nakazhu.
IP {ispuganno} : Kakim obrazom?
Bog {torzhestvenno} : Ne razdelish' ty lozha s zhenshchinoj bole, no s
muzhchinoj!
IP {uzhasayas'} : CHivo?
Bog : Pidarom budesh' vopshchem.
IP : Gospodi!..
Bog : Seans okonchen. YA pobezhal v vojnushku s Muhamedom v Irake igrat'.
Last-modified: Sun, 26 Feb 2006 08:23:39 GMT