aid assuring there was no better beer in the whole city. That offer and the way how he made it were those essential details contributing to his mystique. Later on very occasionally he could lose that mysterious way of behaviour and turn into helpless and lost infant but I think the cause of those transformations lied in the deepest essence of his being I could hardly decode. I remember how he looked at me saying nothing. I got embarrassed and asked him to stop looking at me that way but he just smiled and could tell me he just liked my eyes and it was a great pleasure to see me confused. I got uptight but realised that the man who was looking at me saying such things few minutes ago was unknown to me and I still knew nothing of him to feel offended. I even didn't know his name by the time he involved me in his own web. CHerepichnye kryshi. SHorohi ulic. Trotuary blestyat dozhdem. Propityvayutsya ego serost'yu i spokojstviem. Lyudi vooruzhilis' zontikami. Banal'nymi zhelaniyami ne promoknut'. Kto-to zhe bezhal pod dozhdem s razvivayushchimisya volosami, vzletaya nad luzhami i zabryzgivaya odezhdu. Dozhd' toropil prohozhih. Pugal bezdomnyh zhivotnyh. Zakryval letnie kafe. On shel na vstrechu so mnoj svoej obychnoj stremitel'noj pohodkoj. On ulybnulsya, kak mne pokazalos', uvidev menya izdaleka, no potom ego lico otrazhalo lish' sumrachnost' dozhdlivogo prostranstva. Dazhe esli on smotrel mne v glaza, on otsutstvoval, pogruzhalsya v svoyu otreshennost', i izredka ego lico ozaryalos' svetom vdohnoveniya, kogda on uvlekalsya chem-to, chto mozhno bylo lish' prochuvstvovat', no nikak ne ponyat'. Govoril, kak budto vydaval tajny i vovlekal v misterii. Mnoj on interesovalsya men'she vsego. Poroj, bylo oshchushchenie, budto menya net ryadom, i vse, chto on govorit i delaet, ego lyuboe dvizhenie i slovo podchineny lish' ego neuemnomu zhelaniyu pobol'she vyplesnut' iz sebya otyagoshchayushchih ego emocij. I on ispol'zoval menya, no nesterpimoe zhelanie byt' blizhe k kornyu ego estestva budorazhila menya i ne ostavlyala mesta obidam. YA byla yunoj devushkoj, kotoroj sovsem ne legko bylo prisposobit'sya k podobnomu obshcheniyu. Buduchi vsegda v centre vnimaniya, ulavlivaya postoyanno zainteresovannye vzglyady molodyh lyudej, chasto mne bylo ne po sebe, kogda ego vzglyad pronizyval menya naskvoz', no, po suti, byl adresovan ne mne, a nekoemu obrazu, s kotorym ya ne mogla sravnit'sya, nekoemu zhenskomu dublikatu ego samogo, zateryannogo v obydennosti bezumca.V Da, ty mnogoe ispytal, da, mnogoe znaesh', ryadom s toboj chuvstvuesh' sebya polnym nichtozhestvom. No on otvechal mne. YA zhe obshchayus' s TOBOJ. No ved' takih, kak ya, -- milliony. Ty mozhesh' vybrat' sebe, kogo ugodno. No ved' ya obshchayus' s toboj. YA ne mogu ne obshchat'sya s toboj. (No ya ne verila emu). I togda on speshil obnyat' menya, ya vyryvalas' i naduvala guby. A on lovil ih i prizhimalsya k nim svoim licom. Svoim dyhaniem. Idi dal'she. On krichal. I gladil moi ruki. A ya otpuskala svoi glaza, i oni teryalis' v ego bezdonnom vzglyade. No mne bylo slozhno kazhdyj raz szhivat'sya s novym sostoyaniem, ne vynosila perepad ego nastroenij. Pytkoj bylo dlya menya menyat' sebya, obshchayas' s nim, a potom opyat' popadaya v obshchestvo beskrylyh i bezglazyh fantomov. Systematically drinking beer that came from distant country (where he spent few years accumulating a great spectrum of information living like a spectre with queer people staying alone) I heard a lot of his unbelievable stories but probably the most important things had not been told. I felt it all the time. He loved the country he left but he left it for a better lot. Such paradoxes filled up his life and made it more controversial and entrancing. I painfully realised how I got dependent on that communication and how hopeless it was to wait when such a person might show stable feelings and a real infatuation. I always tried to let along the thoughts of inevitability to get separated one day. But sometimes I wished so much to leave everything behind, to forget him, to stay alone and put my mind in order. All of a sudden order itself lost its sense. I got changed and moreover I started resembling him. He told me his name. I am not sure if it was real but I believed him. It was so simple to pronounce.V On ne pytalsya okkupirovat' moe vnimanie polnost'yu, no, vidimo, ponimal, chto dazhe malejshee prikosnovenie k ego sud'be uzhe ne pozvolyaet ne oshchushchat' svoyu zavisimost' ot nego, vezdesushchego i proskal'zyvayushchego vnutr' svoej zhertvy. YA dejstvitel'no associirovala sebya s zhertvoj, bespomoshchnoj i poddayushchejsya lyuboj ego iniciative. On napravlyal menya, rukovodil mnoj, bez moej voli zachastuyu. "Lyuboj krasivoj malen'koj devochke neobhodimo lish' nemnogo vremeni, chtoby ponyat' to, chto dvizhet mnoj", -- on povtoryal i vyvodil menya iz sebya etim vyskazyvaniem. Grustno smotrel i mog legko razzhalobit' menya. On dazhe ubedil menya v tom, chto zhalost' -- odno iz samyh nezamenimyh chuvstv, kotorye lyubomu cheloveku neobhodimo hranit' v svoej dushe i primenyat' pri lyuboj vozmozhnosti. No ne kazhduyu zhalost' on schital pravil'noj, po ego mneniyu, ne ko vsem ona mozhet byt' primenima. On uchil menya mnogomu, i mne dazhe hotelos' soglashat'sya so vsem, ne zadumyvayas', slepo prinimaya na veru ego ubezhdeniya. Zadumyvalas' ya pozzhe, stalkivayas' s proekciyami obsuzhdaemyh problem v real'noj zhizni, i sperva s radost'yu, a potom s uzhasom, ubezhdalas' v pravote ego oblichenij. S radost'yu, potomu chto ya obladala znaniem; s uzhasom, potomu chto znanie okazyvalos' nepod®emnoj noshej, kotoraya obrekaet na to zhe odinochestvo (ne prosto odinochestvo), i na tu zhe isteriyu, neizmenno soprovozhdavshuyu ego. Slivayas' s gruzom znaniya i neizbezhnost'yu postoyannogo pereosmysleniya osoznannogo, stalkivayas' s dopolnitel'nymi detalyami, obladayushchimi chrezvychajno razrushitel'noj siloj, prihoditsya vovremya vysvobodit'sya iz okov dejstvitel'nosti, uedinit'sya i zalivat'sya alkogolem, ili ubegat' daleko-daleko, stanovit'sya nedostupnym, libo zhe neobhodimo inogda ubivat' v sebe rostki razrushitel'nyh myslej, okonchatel'no gubyashchih kakuyu-libo veru, bezyshodnost'yu raskalyvaya cherepnuyu korobku. On byl blizok k sostoyaniyu grubogo pomeshatel'stva, posle chego on mog by pokonchit' s soboj ili navsegda rasstat'sya s real'nym mirom i prevratit'sya v mumiyu. Lish' nekie, mne neznakomye sily, ch'ya-to, a mozhet byt' poroj, moya energiya uderzhivala ego ot fizicheskoj raspravy nad soboj i svoej nikchemnost'yu. YA inogda obnimala ego i vytirala ego slezy, no potom mne kazalos', chto, ne bud' menya ryadom, etogo by ne proishodilo vovse, i on uvlekalsya svoej unikal'nost'yu, buduchi so mnoj, i ego zhelanie pokorit' menya kazhdym svoim postupkom voploshchalos' v giperbolichnosti i patetichnosti ego vyhodok. No iskrennost' ego igry, esli eto i byla igra kak takovaya, ne mogla ostavit' menya ravnodushnoj. Mozhet, imenno tak on i rasschityval vychlenit' chuvstva cheloveka, kotoryj nachinal potopat' v nem, kak v okeane i, raskreposhchayas', podchinyalsya strastyam i lomal ustoi svoego lichnogo miroustrojstva. I potom, mozhet, imenno etoj vozmozhnost'yu on i naslazhdalsya... No i on ne vsegda mog vyderzhivat', kak obychnyj zhivoj chelovek, svoego sobstvennogo poryva. I sderzhat' sebya ne mog. No kak tol'ko, ya pytalas' ostanovit' ego i spokojstviem napolnit' ego glaza, popytat'sya zaderzhat' ego vzglyad na mne, a ne vo mne, na real'noj i polnoj zhizni i tepla devushke, on na mgnovenie uspokaivalsya, a potom budto vpadal v komu, ischezal v potustoronnem mire, ego glaza stanovilis' eshche bezzhiznennee, i on napivalsya, i vsya ego zagadochnost' prevrashchalas' v lish' mnoyu leleemoe svojstvo ego lichnosti. On treboval laski, i v to zhe vremya ona byla protivna emu. No ne vsegda bylo tak. Kogda on obol'shchal menya, stanovilsya bespechnym i neotrazimym menestrelem, togda nikto ne byl v sostoyanii sostyazat'sya s nim v ostroumii i krasochnosti mimiki. U nego poluchalos' vse, no eto zakanchivalos' blazhennym zaversheniem vechera, naskol'ko ya potom ubedilas', tol'ko, kogda ya nahodilas' v takie vechera s nim ryadom, i my mogli durachit'sya vmeste, naslazhdayas' nashej neobychnost'yu i neprevzojdennost'yu. On nauchil menya bescennomu otnosheniyu k samoj sebe. YA perestala boyat'sya sebya samoj, lyuboj, lyubogo svoego obraza. YA osoznala, chto cennost' sobstvennogo "ya" obretaet svoyu obosnovannost', esli obladatel' etogo "ya" est' ne chto inoe, kak marionetka vo vlasti svoego "ya", ne pytayushchayasya svyazyvat' svoe "ya" obyazatel'stvami i zakabalyat' normami, lish' uhitryayushchayasya prevoshodno perestraivat'sya po neobhodimosti, ne otkazyvayas' ot prioritetov svoego "ya", umelo preodolevaya zaskoruzlost' i pryamolinejnost' ustanovok lyubogo obshchestvennogo uklada, osnovyvayushchegosya na propagande i diktature vybora. On umel nahodit' kompromiss s obshchestvom, prinimaya ego pravila, no, narushaya ih po pravilam, kotorye ustanavlivala lyubaya civilizaciya, nutro kotoroj im poznavalos', dlya uchastiya v nekoj neoficial'noj igre, cel'yu kotoroj v pervuyu ochered' yavlyalos' dostizhenie kompromissa i vzaimnoj vygody; on vychislil, chto i eti narusheniya obshchestvo terpelo potomu, kak stremlenie obshchestva porabotit' lyubuyu neordinarnost' i ispol'zovat' ee dlya svoih masshtabnyh blagih zamyslov, tem samym obvolakivaya ee novoj palitroj pravil i predpisanij, otmechaetsya povsemestno v istorii chelovechestva i yavlyaetsya vysshim dostizheniem obshchnosti v zakabalenii lichnosti. Odnako on prekrasno osoznaval, chto, vyhodya za ramki pravil, narusheniya kotoryh uzhe obshchestvo ne priemlet, on prevrashchaetsya v samogo neschastnogo i schastlivogo cheloveka, sumevshego vyjti za opredelennuyu gran', oboznachaya novyj etap samopreodoleniya, no uzhe nachinaetsya bor'ba ne s obshchestvom, a bor'ba s soboj, i, skoree vsego, teryaetsya smysl lyuboj bor'by s nekim obshchestvennym stroem. On prevrashchaetsya lish' v monstra, soprovozhdayushchego lyubuyu lichnost', obespokoennuyu svoim duhovnym razvitiem, i stalkivayushchego ego s samim soboj. I soshel on s uma imenno po etoj prichine. No eto bylo uslovnoe sumasshestvie. YA dumayu, chto ne svedi on menya s uma soboj i svoej vechnoj bor'boj, ya by nikogda ne smogla prochuvstvovat' krasotu protivorechij i bezgranichnost' pustoty, edinstvennogo istochnika moej nyneshnej energii. Esli by on ne svel menya s uma, ya by nikogda ne napisala etoj knigi, kotoruyu vy mozhete ne chitat', i ya vam dejstvitel'no nastoyatel'no rekomenduyu ne chitat' ee. No v nej pravda o nem i obo mne, preobrazhennoj im. I was calm aiming to touch his necklace on his arm. Greedy in words he shook my breast and grasped my hair. I was shocked. I was happy and excited feeling him doing all he did. He said that there was no need to get worried and it would be either over with no results just leaving some rags of memories, some splintered names and figures or it might last forever. I stayed calm and continued mindlessly recording his splashing phrases cutting my living guides. Na ulice so strannymi domami neopredelennogo vozrasta, s bol'shimi derev'yami u obochin my vstrechalis' v pervyj raz, on legko opisal mne put', vedushchij k etomu mestu, i ya bystro nashla nerabotayushchij fontan s potreskavshimsya kamennym dnishchem i kroshashchimsya ornamentom. On polnost'yu sootvetstvoval spokojstviyu ulicy. asteryanno ya listala knigu, kotoruyu on sovetoval mne prochitat'. Ona povestvovala o cheloveke ili o neskol'kih lyudyah, pryatavshihsya vnutri odnogo cheloveka, ili, byt' mozhet, lish' neskol'ko sobytij, proizoshedshih s odnim chelovekom, no menyavshem imena i vneshnost', byli vtisnuty v knigu bez deleniya na glavy, i ya byla ne v sostoyanii rasputyvat' istorii, tak kak bylo oshchushchenie, chto oni proishodili odnovremenno, i spletalis' nastol'ko tesno, chto vychlenit' fabulu kazhdoj iz nih bylo ne vozmozhno. No on, navernoe, smog by vse rasstavit' na svoi mesta ili zaputal by vse okonchatel'no. I, chestno govorya, prityagivala imenno nerazdelimost', kazalos' by, nesoedinimogo, i ya postepenno pogloshchalas' potokom nesuraznogo teksta, i ne hotelos' iskat' vyhod, hotelos' pogruzhat'sya vse glubzhe, perestavaya reagirovat' na real'nost'. Odinokaya ulica i toskuyushchie ego glaza. Segodnya on govorit, chto on byl ne prav, kogda, znakomyas' so mnoj, nazval ne svoe imya, segodnya on uveril menya v tom, chto ego zovut... hotya, v sushchnosti, kakoe eto imeet znachenie. On byl, i on byl vsem tem, chego byt' ne moglo. CHto nel'zya uvidet' vo sne. O chem mozhno dogadyvat'sya, nikogda ne poznavaya. I mnoj poveleval haos chuvstv, kotoryh ya nikogda ne ispytyvala, ne potomu, chto oni byli prosto novye i neobychnye, oni byli potustoronnimi, prishedshimi iz niotkuda. I v slove "chuvstvo" ne umeshchalos' ni odno iz nih. On prishel, i kak budto nikogda ne uhodil, kak budto kazhduyu sekundu nahodilsya ryadom so mnoj, v moej komnate, ne zamechennyj moimi roditelyami, chitayushchij svoi stihi, pereskazyvayushchij fil'my, kotorye on obsuzhdal s sokursnikami, kogda u nih, u ambicioznyh i neuderzhimyh studentov byl svoj kinoklub. YA vnimala ego fantasticheskim izrecheniyam. No govoril on o svoej zhizni, kotoraya hot' i byla real'noj lish' dlya nego, no ona byla, i byl on. Menya ne bylo. It was obvious I turned into him. When I closed my eyes I felt how his insanity lived inside my inner world, catching my each look searching for myself. I tried to perceive at least a piece of any idea born in me I gave birth to. I used to try escaping from his influence meeting other people, looking for new acquaintances. Being alone I was anyway kept in his aura, he ALWAYS was around. Covering me. People like something new but what happens if they face something what is not exactly life at all, what came from some forbidden world never known to humanity? That happened to me. Disorder... Panic. Sometimes it seemed my head was not mine. He just used it living in it as he needed badly a fresh space to accumulate his new concepts having no place for that in his own. Have you ever heard: I've lost my head! Yeah, I had. I really lost my head but later I plainly identified I found something more. I still have doubts how to call it: "Death" or "Resurrection"? Once being drunk I got especially excited though I felt no physical desire being near. He touched my shoulders, my face saying the things that could kill any thinking of some sexuality. Then I understood: it was brain love games. He loved my brain committing multiple intercourses... Periodically he was a definite and the only cure to me I'd been searching for being helpless to find an answer to a great number of misunderstandings I was drowning in in the human world. However sometimes I got shocked realising that it was just illusive help, and on the other side I felt it turned into an essential sickness I fell in being lost in his world. |to byla bolezn', i to, chto ya vosprinimala kak lekarstvo, na samom dele, v bol'shej stepeni, mozhno nazvat' narkotikom. Inogda ya sama ne ponimala, chego ya zhdala ot nego, chego ot nego hotela, no vse, chto on delal, obeskurazhivalo, no osvobozhdalo na kakoe-to vremya ot volneniya i gnetushchego privkusa neponyatosti i neprigodnosti, kotoryj potom neizmenno napominal o sebe, proyavlyalsya v ch'ih-to vzglyadah, frazah, pronikal na televizionnye kanaly, reklamy na ulice. A potom caril povsyudu i zastavlyal pryatat'sya ot svoej yadovitosti. A on pryatalsya v svoem logove, ocherednom logove, prednaznachennom special'no dlya nego. Kogda ya vpervye posetila im snimaemuyu kvartiru, ya okunulas' v nechto, propitavsheesya im i ego duhom, v nabor predmetov, poteryavshih svoi prednaznacheniya, olicetvoryavshih sostavlyayushchie EGO istorii. ..Odnazhdy ya mogu uehat' v Vuster, i uvidet' menya potom mozhno budet po televizoru v kakoj-nibud' skandal'noj peredache, v odnom iz teh shou, gde proslavlyayut eksgibicionistov.. ..YA ne obrashchu na tebya vnimaniya.. ..Vseh zastavyat posmotret' na nego, skazav, chto on kogda-to byl sredi nas, a sejchas, smotrite, chego on dobilsya, a ya, mozhet byt', poveryu v neobhodimost' etoj vystavki.. ..|togo ne budet.. ..|to budet ne so mnoj.. ..Kogda ty pokinesh' menya.. Sovershenno neozhidanno i besprichinno on vspominal kakie-to maloizvestnye fakty i nyuansy, kasavshiesya istorii sozdaniya, sud'by, soderzhaniya ponravivshegosya mne proizvedeniya, govoril o takih veshchah, kotorye zapomnit', kazalos', nevozmozhno. YA napolnyalas' informaciej, i s kazhdoj ego frazoj ya chuvstvovala sebya vse glupee ryadom s nim. YA pytalas' skazat' chto-to, chto ya schitala vazhnym i spravedlivym, otkryt' nekuyu svoyu mysl', kotoraya mogla byt' interesna emu, no potom govoril on, i menya pogloshchalo osoznanie ego bezmernogo prevoshodstva nad lyuboj moej mysl'yu, kak, po suti, i nad lyubym proyavleniem uchenosti etogo mira. Ego razmyshleniya ne zatragivali tochnyh nauk, on ne byl specialistom ni v odnoj iz nih, on govoril ob iskusstve, i eto moglo pohodit' na sholasticheskoe razglagol'stvovanie, odnako, potustoronnost' lyubogo proyavleniya ego yazykovoj kul'tury, i v principe, vsego ego samovyrazheniya bezogovorochno nadelyala ego personu i ves' ego obraz nepostizhimost'yu, stavila ego na p'edestal otreshennosti i nedosyagaemosti. I nikto ne mog ego razoblachit', hotya on byl nagim i bezzashchitnym, chto tol'ko mne poroj, kazhetsya, udavalos' poznat' i prochuvstvovat'. My pryatalis' ot dozhdya na vtorom etazhe v kafe s vkusnym kofe i vidom na cvetochnuyu lavku naprotiv. Solnce probivalo vodnuyu zavesu i pokryvalo stol, blestel chernyj lak na polu, kto-to chital gazetu, kto-to pil kofe i o chem-to dumal, lennye damy boltali i spletnichali o chem-to, zakazyvaya vse novye pirozhnye. Ego glaza vspominali proshloe, dalekoe detstvo, strannye bluzhdaniya vne doma, ishchushchie stroki yunosheskoj poezii, detskie pocelui v shchechku, i rostki odinochestva, vernee, zarozhdayushcheesya ego oshchushchenie. V ego vzglyade na dozhdevoj potok skvozilo besputnoe zhelanie ukutat'sya odeyalom v formirovavshej ego mir krovati v roditel'skom dome i mechtat', otkryvaya strochku za strochkoj, perepletaya ih, brosat'sya k rabochemu stolu i svoim tetradyam, chtoby zapisat' vnov' pridumannye frazy. V dvizheniyah ego ruk, pokryvavshih moi, ne chuvstvovalos' vnimaniya ko mne. CHerez ego poglazhivaniya i szhatiya ya soedinyalas' s ego bedstvennoj lyubov'yu k nedodannoj emu nezhnosti, kotoroj lishal ego obstupavshij ego hrupkuyu naturu yunogo romantika grubyj i bezzhalostnyj mir. On ne uspokoitsya nikogda, ya eto znala, dazhe smert', navernoe, ne prineset emu pokoj, lish' nastupit kak dosadnaya kapitulyaciya pered zhizn'yu, kotoruyu on nenavidel beskonechno, ne nahodya, odnako, v nej bol'shej radosti, nezheli nenavist' k nej. On ne govoril mne, chto lyubil menya, no to, chto proishodilo, vse ravno ne imelo nazvaniya, i uzh navernyaka vyhodilo za ramki kakogo-libo izvestnogo chelovechestvu vida obshcheniya, i lyubov' v etom splave i kakofonii chuvstv mogla rastvorit'sya, kak i lyuboe drugoe chuvstvo, imeyushchee esli ne ob®yasnenie, to, po krajnej mere, slovesnoe oboznachenie. Hotya otchasti, vidimo, moe lichnoe sostoyanie mozhno bylo nazvat' "bezumiem". U etogo slova eshche sushchestvuet dostatochnoe kolichestvo rodstvennyh slov, kotorye vpolne dopolnyayut ego i eshche bolee polno harakterizuyut proishodivshie so mnoj metamorfozy. No eto tozhe chelovecheskie slova. Mne ne hotelos' kasat'sya ih, kazhdoe iz nih mozhno bylo najti v slovaryah i enciklopediyah. My tozhe pili kofe. Nam tozhe nravilsya dozhd'. I my uzhe promokli naskvoz' i zhdali, poka on na vremya uspokoitsya, a my obsohnem, i so svezhimi silami vybezhim v gorod. A vchera gorod prodolzhal potopat' v dymu. Lyudi ne videli vperedi idushchego, iskali osvobozhdeniya ot bezumiya gari, propitavshej doma i ulicy, chelovecheskuyu kozhu, rechka gorela, lyudi stryahivali pepel s volos. Gorelo vse vokrug, blokada dyma, trava chernela, u menya postoyanno kruzhilo golovu, u nego vospalyalsya nos, nam ne pomogalo dazhe chudodejstvennoe pivo iz dalekoj strany. A teper' nachalsya dozhd'. My by navsegda stali mokrymi list'yami, i byli imi neodnokratno, no dozhd' ne utihal, i nam prishlos' pryatat'sya na vtorom etazhe v etom kafe. Posle pozharov i navodnenij nel'zya bylo ne naslazhdat'sya besedoj s moim sluchajnym znakomym. Posle snov pro Zorro, kotoryj vorvetsya v zhizn' burej i uneset menya v dalekie strany, nel'zya bylo ne associirovat' cheloveka ryadom s zagadkoj moego detstva, napolnennogo krovavymi svad'bami s kem popalo, metaniyami glaznyh yablok iz storony v storonu, mechtaniyami o ryshchushchem sredi pustyn' neponimaniya rycare, Alen Delone, o semi gnomah, isporchennyh nehvatkoj seksa, i nasiluyushchih bednuyu Belosnezhku. YA li byla takim bezobraznym rebenkom, ili ya podmenila svoe krasochnoe mladenchestvo i shkol'nye gody ego interpretaciyami, zlogo geniya moej bol'noj zagublennoj s ego poyavleniem sud'boj. My byli ekzotichny v etom mire, ezotericheskoe yavlenie, a nas okrestili vykidyshami obshchestva. YA byla prednaznachena dlya nego, gubitelya moego. A dozhd' napominal nam o polnovodnoj |l'be i prazdnikah v Venecii. The things I miss. I only said I love. You said we were so beautiful. We would seat for hours in cafG© with nice coffee and gaze at the rain outside. Once I enjoyed him watching me in the mirror. Looking at my breast sleeping. Touching my breath losing. Living in my arms charming. I was his royal subject. He was my rouge-et-noir. Do Not Fall Apart In My Art Ride A Day And Night Drive Through And Never Lose My Door YA iskala lyubvi... ..Kak ya iskala lyubvi....Kak on iskal lyubvi.... Bozhe moj!!!!! Ne mogu sderzhivat'sya... Oh, my God! My tak hoteli lyubvi. All the same. The same shit and shite whores of both sexes. Taking one's time means losing yours and losing years hidden in the minutes of fascination. Stop inanity and feel what you are, WHAT YOU ARE. It is so simple, simpler than being. Greetings, everyone... I am obliged to all of you listening to me. I do appreciate your kindness and attention but will you give me a chance to fuck your brains?.. I do not feel pleasure touching anyone's body having the physical intercourse... Nothing is better than getting into a brain penetrating through. I obviously turned into him. Did he take my heart I wonder? YA shodila s uma ot ego vremennyh pristupov poezii, ot ego krepkih nezhnyh rukopozhatij, kogda on perepolnyalsya energiej, nevedomo otkuda poseshchavshej ego. Moe serdce obretaet raznye formy, menyaet svoi razmery i masshtab. Eshche ono sposobno obrashchat'sya v razlichnye sostoyaniya. I u moego serdca kazhdoe mgnovenie menyaetsya imya, preobrazhayutsya ego cveta i zapahi. Moe serdce mozhet govorit' na yazyke, kotoryj vseob®emlet nasledie chelovecheskogo yazykopoznaniya. I serdce moe v sostoyanii obshchat'sya s lyuboj materiej, zhivotnoj i iskusstvennoj, i vmestit' v sebe mozhet serdca vseh predmetov s dushoyu i bez. Bezdna bezdushiya razdroblena dolotom moego serdca. Odushevlenie zavladevaet kosmosom. Kazhdyj hromosom obretaet dushu. YA razdayu svoyu... My zhili s veroj v Veroniku. So strast'yu nabrasyvayas' na nee. Malen'kuyu i hrupkuyu. Tak poyavlyaetsya nezhnost'. Tak rastet cvetok, tak cvetet vzroslyj chelovek. Takoj mozhet stat' lyubov', no, esli u nee est' predel i okonchanie, to smysl lyubogo proyavleniya lyubvi, hot' i ne budet uteryan, no otrazit nikchemnost' ocherednogo szhiganiya serdca, kogda ono prodolzhaet bolet', dazhe prevrativshis' v pepel. YA by naslazhdalsya toboj. YA by stala tvoej. Ah, esli by lish' eti stroki stradali, a my prevrashchalis' v lyubovnyj sezon. My by nesli svoi obrazy i oblivali by auroj vseh, kto ryadom. I vmeste mogli by skazat': lyublyu. Ah, esli b hot' zvuk nashih dvuh sovmeshchennyh dyhanij stal otdel'nym komochkom schast'ya. Nas stoilo by lishit' chuvstva prostranstva i rasprostranit' gormony nashi tam, gde zhizn' prodolzhitsya. U menya opyat' bolit golova. YA pomogu, no v silah li ya pomoch' tebe. Bednyj, uspokoit li lono moe tebya. Milyj, ne boyus' nazyvat' tebya tak. Ah! Esli by vse vozniklo samo soboj, iz briza sotkannym predstalo pered nami... Vse, chto ostaetsya neosushchestvimym. |ta nemeyushchaya osen'. U nee est' moe blednoe lico i netoroplivoe postukivanie serdca. Tabletki v karmane. Nemoshchnaya pamyat'. askleennost' i skuka, beschuvstvennoe kino i literatura bez slov. Bezmozglye russkie lesbiyanki. I tot chelovek, kotoryj bezzhalostno istyazaet sebya poiskom, nesya smertonosnost' v glazah, dvizheniem pal'cev vycherchivayushchij krovotochashchie shramy na postoyanno vskryvaemoj kozhe. My ne stali odnim celym, no my stali vechnost'yu po otdel'nosti. Pod kupolami nashih zontov nikomu ne udavalos' zametit' blesk tihookeanskih korallov, stupeni tragedij |shila, effekt gitarnogo shuma shugejzerov, ispug ryzhevolosoj bespodobnoj devstvennicy, podrobnoe opisanie ee pervogo polovogo akta i sinevu ee plevy. On govoril mne: Sluchilos'. YA otoshel v nebytie. Tebya net. A bylo vse, chto mozhet byt' lish' odnazhdy. A ty stala pticej i vysoko parish' nado mnoj. No on oshibalsya, ya stala pcheloj i pytalas' ukusit' ego, i nebytie ego bylo vsego lish' ego ocherednoj zainteresovannost'yu novym molodym telom. A moe emu uzhe bylo izvestno. YA ne plakala, on razuchil menya plakat', hotya sam mog razrydat'sya, kak rebenok ni s togo, ni s sego. YA byla ego igrushkoj, voshishchayushchejsya svoim hozyainom. No on zarazil menya svoej neizlechimoj bolezn'yu poiska. Istiny ili smerti. Mira za predelami vselennoj, za predelami predelov. Samoj sebya ili izbavleniya ot samoj sebya. On nauchil menya stradaniyu, velikomu i nepoddel'nomu, bescennomu, dolgozhdannomu, razrushayushchemu osnovanie, obrekayushchemu na poklonenie neizvestnosti, kotoraya podchinena lish' stenaniyam i beskonechnomu poisku. V neozhidannom poseshchenii cerkvi v starom i pronizannom molitvami gorode, v bezmolvii, kotoroe sledovalo za nim, yutilas' moya bespomoshchnost'. YA shla za nim bez slov, bez vzdragivanij, on molchal, no dusha ego neuemno posylala mne svoi prizyvy lyubit' ee, lyuboe ee voploshchenie, moe lico pylalo, ya mogla klyast'sya, i zhelala etogo neistovo, v osoznannoj lyubvi k miru i zhizni, takoj iskalechennoj samim svoim prisutstviem. Samoj dejstvitel'nost'yu razodrannoj. CHto proishodilo so mnoj, kogda on vykrikival ne ponimaemye nerazborchivye frazy na stupenyah zdanij i lentah eskalatorov, na trapah verno razob'yushchihsya samoletov i pojdushchih na dno korablej? CHto proishodilo s nim, kogda ya kasalas' brennym kasaniem svoih pal'cev, kozhej svoej ego svetyashchejsya obolochki. YA ne smela tronut' svoj klitor, ya ne smela prosunut' palec vnutr' i pochuvstvovat' trepet membrany. A on posmel smesti na svoem puti tysyachi civilizacij, i ya ne hotela ego bol'she znat', no moe telo uzhe istochalo ego zapah, on uzhe byl v moej pyatnadcatiletnej nochnoj rubashke celuem moim otcom. Vse potomu, chto on byl... on byl chervem, vyevshim moyu vnutrennost'. On ni na mgnovenie ne perestaval byt' mnoj, on byl ya. V mutnom pive plavilis' otrazheniya ogon'kov reklamy i avtomobil'nyh far, vspyshki vulkanov i lesnyh pozharov, blesk lednikov, raskalyvayushchih gornye hrebty, v pive kupalos' socvetie siyanij mnozhestva solnc. On govoril o mol'berte Van Goga, mne ne udavalos' rasslyshat' vse, chto on stremilsya vydelit' iz svoego organizma. On bezzastenchivo prevrashchal sebya v donora, a menya v pacienta. YA gotova byla razbit' na ego golove zerkalo, i uvidet' krov' ego na ego oskolkah, tak chtoby blesk kapelek sochetalsya s bleskom steklyashek. On priglasil menya v kabare. YA ne srazu soglasilas', hot' i byla uverena v tom, chto pojdu. On tozhe prekrasno znal, chto posle moego pervogo otkaza posleduet kolebanie, i otkroetsya novyj etap soblaznov i iskushenij. Vstrecha byla naznachena na sleduyushchij den'. YA sobiralas' dolgo, pytalas' vybrat' odezhdu poseksual'nee. Krasila akkuratno svoe lico. Hotela vyglyadet' otchasti sovratitel'nicej, otchasti nimfomankoj. Nadeyalas' ponravit'sya emu. Zaglyanula v svoi glaza, pronikla v svoj sinteticheskij vzglyad, vrezavshijsya v menya, proshchayas' s zerkal'noj ploskost'yu. YA hotela razbit' etot vzglyad, chtoby on priobrel hot' krupicu moego lichnogo, zhivogo besporyadka. Kakoe lico u odinochestva? Ono mozhet byt' krasnym obozhzhennym protivogazom amerikanskogo letchika, onemevshim likom madonny s mertvym mladencem na rukah, bugristym i iz®edennym krysami bezgubym oblichiem neschastnogo lyumpena, ili yarostnym preobrazheniem Hrista, proklinayushchego Boga za svoi stradaniya, ili chelom molyashchegosya Gospodu D'yavola, ishchushchego proshcheniya. A mozhet, eto mirno spyashchee lico cheloveka, kotoromu ne suzhdeno prosnut'sya. Ili otrublennaya golova palacha..... Mne kogda-to snilas' moya smert'. YA lezhala v ovrage, mokraya ottogo, chto lil dozhd'. Menya znobilo, no ya ne smela vybrat'sya iz ovraga, menya presledovali nasil'niki, i u nih byla umnaya i zlaya ishchejka, kotoraya mogla vyiskat' menya po zapahu. Ovrag byl napolnen vodoj i raznym hlamom, sbrasyvaemym s sosednih stroek. Moj zapah, kak mne kazalos', mog zateryat'sya v etom nagromozhdenii stroitel'nyh materialov i gniyushchej zemli. YA chuvstvovala, chto mne prednachertano sud'boj libo preodolet' strah, vosstat' protiv nasiliya, libo pokorno prinyat' smert' posle beschinstvuyushchih nadrugatel'stv nad moim telom. YA koe-kak nachala ceplyat'sya za skol'zkie ustupy, pytayas' vypolzti na poverhnost', otdohnut' na mokroj, no bolee svezhej trave. YA slyshala vdali psinoe skulenie, no nadeyalas' preodolet' nereshitel'nost' i dat' otpor podonkam. Nakonec ya dobralas' do poverhnosti yamy i rasplastalas' na trave, dyhanie napolnilos' tyazhest'yu, ya podnyala golovu, napravila vzor k zvezdam. Ih tomnost' i nepodvizhnost' vonzilis' v moe soznanie, voskreshaya bylye stremleniya poznat' kongenial'nost' epoh i pervozdannost' tomleniya chelovecheskogo duha. Na kakoe-to vremya oshchushchenie opasnosti i priblizheniya skverny uletuchilos'. YA pochuvstvovala, chto ya snova v materinskom chreve, chto menya laskovo pitayut soki utroby. No krik predvoditelya nasil'nikov vernul menya v real'nyj mir, zastavil spohvatit'sya, vskochit' na nogi i bezhat', kuda glaza glyadyat... Menya ne dolzhny dognat' eti nemoshchnye po svoej nature nichtozhnye stervyatniki. YA ne damsya im. Oni menya ne dostojny, oni lish' v prave pitat'sya drug drugom, krysami, samimi soboj, eti tvari... YA stanovilas' vse sil'nee, i veter podgonyal menya, mne kazalos', chto v skorom vremeni mne budet legko letet', i nasmeshkami razbrasyvat'sya v nebe. No, nesmotrya na novoe vlivanie sil, na rastushchuyu energiyu, zarozhdalos' predchuvstvie ispytaniya, ser'eznost' kotorogo granichilo s vozmozhnost'yu poletet' real'nym poletom v nezyblemost' nebes. YA brosilas' v temen' zaroslej, i kamnem navznich' upala na syruyu zemlyu, zacepivshis' za kusok povalivshegosya dereva. Smertel'naya bol' zastryala v stupne, otdalas' v suhozhiliyah i postepenno nastigla drebezzhashchuyu kost' pravoj nogi. Podnyat'sya sil ne bylo, ne bylo vozmozhnosti. Tol'ko krik. I bol'. Ispytanie okazalos' ne prostym. Golovorezy, oderzhimye svoej neustannoj pohot'yu, gnali sobaku po sledu, po moemu nikuda ne podevavshemusya sledu, verno vedushchemu k moemu razlomannomu, no eshche zhivomu i teplomu telu. Ih golosa... Ih podzadorivaniya... Obrashcheniya k svoemu hishchniku s pros'bami: ishchi. Ih zhelaniya. Nalitye moshonki. Von' ih rtov. Bel'ya. Gryaz' pod nogtyami. Edkij pot po vsemu telu. Zasalennye volosy i nebritye gryaznye rozhi. YA polzla. No uzhe ne mogla sostyazat'sya v skorosti. Neuzheli ya dostanus' im. Oni menya potom vse ravno ub'yut. Mozhet umeret' samoj, bez ih pomoshchi, ne ispytyvaya uzhasov nasiliya. CHto ostaetsya u menya. Gde vyhod??? YA polzla, pytayas' hotya by spryatat'sya gde-to v kustah, v neprolaznoj chashche. No zarosli uzhe ne byli nastol'ko gustymi. Oni dostignut menya. I nichego ot menya ne ostavyat. No ved' sovsem nedavno ya byla gotova voznesti svoe telo v nebo, raspravit' nevidimye kryl'ya i soedinit'sya s nepostizhimost'yu stremitel'nogo poleta nad brennost'yu mirozdaniya. Ved' ya uzhe bylo uverovala v sebya kak v izbrannuyu. Kak v pervuyu iz pervyh. I tut etot tuhlyj kusok drevesiny. Mertvyj, lish' chervyami kishashchij, neuzheli on yavitsya prichinoj moego smesheniya s ego gnilost'yu... Neuzheli moe telo takzhe budet razlagat'sya v etom lesu, gde kogda-to ya sobirala griby i nablyudala za igroj belok? No da, eto ispytanie. A esli eto ispytanie, znachit est' reshenie, est' to velikoe dejstvie, kotoroe sud'ba prednachertala mne ispolnit'. Esli ya bespomoshchna i ne mogu protivostoyat' nasiliyu, to sleduet iznasilovat' situaciyu, prevratit' ee v pytku dlya nasil'nikov. U menya krasivoe telo, i oni hotyat ego. U menya molodoj organizm, i ih on zavorazhivaet. No naskol'ko reshimost' ih nepokolebima. YA brosilas' v gryaz' blizhajshej kanavy. Iskupalas' v nej. Sorvala odezhdu s sebya. Izmazala gryaz'yu volosy. Nabrala nechistot v rot, zuby stali yadovito zelenogo cveta. S moej grudi gryaz' stekala, i eshche belela kozha, vydelyalis' soski, kak soblaznitel'nye oreshki. YA rvala krapivu i hlestala grudi svoi do krovi. Pod ruki popadalis' piyavki, i ya vdavlivala ih v svoe telo, kotoroe nachinalo pokryvat'sya voldyryami. Menya vyrvalo neskol'ko raz, iz rta tekla zlovonnaya gryaz', mne vse bolee protivnee stanovilas' ya sama. Moe telo krovotochilo. Kozha lopalas', vagina postepenno napolnilas' gryaz'yu, ee oblepili mokricy, kogda ya rasstavila nogi. Potom ya zabylas' na mgnovenie, a cherez mgnovenie uzhe sobach'ya morda obnyuhivala menya i, morshchas', otstranyalas' ot moego tela. Kakie-to nervnye i razdrazhennye frazy okruzhali menya, rugatel'stva sypalis' na mesivo, v kotoroe pogruzilos' moe telo. Do rassveta ostavalos' nemnogo vremeni. Utro obyazatel'no dolzhno bylo byt' chistym i svezhim. YA lezhala netronutoj. Skoro nachalis' utrennie pesnopeniya zabotlivyh ptic. Odna ptichka sela na konchik moego nosika, i zapela krasivee vseh ostal'nyh. Tak ya izbezhala nasiliya, i soedinilas' s prirodoj. Na prazdnike, kotoryj prohodil v kabare, gde dolzhny byli byt' vse te, s kem ON tak chasto provodil svoe vremya, i o kom postoyanno mne rasskazyval, vse dolzhno bylo byt' syurprizom. On tak govoril, i nastraival menya. YA boyalas' chego-to. Navernoe, etoj neopredelennosti. Ego zagadochnosti, pohodivshej bol'she na zapugivanie. On govoril o chem-to ochen' nevnyatno. Bormotal slova o kakom-to vybore, o neobhodimosti. YA lish' otryvkami usvaivala ego nechlenorazdel'nye razmyshleniya vsluh. Vybor, neobhodimost'. On uzhe prevratil menya v chast' sebya, vernee polnost'yu porabotil vse to, chto kogda-to mozhno bylo nazvat' mnoj. yadom s nim byla lish' maska, telo, kotoroe prosvechivalos', esli ryadom byl on, -- tela ne bylo vidno, a slova, vyletavshie iz ust moih, smeshivalis' s ulichnoj slovesnoj kashej. YA chasto ne pomnila imeni, kotorym odarili menya roditeli. No ya shla za nim. I ya podchinyalas' emu. Kto, kak ne on. Mne uzhe vse ravno. Sebya najti mne ne udalos', a mozhet, imenno, on i nashel menya, i pomog najti sebya mne. Mozhet byt', to, chto proizoshlo so mnoj, proishodit so vsemi, kto nahodit sebya? V tot vecher on krichal na menya, vernee, vnutr' menya, skrezhetal zubami, razmahival rukami, vinil i koril sebya, glaza, razbrosannye, ni o chem ne govorili, budto zatuhali, chudovishchnoe stremlenie ih podbirat' i soedinyat' s telom narushalis' ego krikom: YA zhe klyalsya sebe, chto ne stanu takim, ne zastryanu v mire obyazatel'stv i besprichinnogo podchineniya. YA postoyanno vskryval poroki etogo mira i vseh ego obshchestvennyh stroev, vseh teh, kto idet stroem. Obrushivalsya na toshnotvornost' zakabalyayushchej chest' i smelost' cheloveka sistemy zakonov. A sam... YA pleval v lica zhadnyh rabotodatelej, nenavistnikov otdel'nyh ras i nacional'nostej. Szhimal pal'cy v kulaki, i brel po ulicam, oshchushchaya zverinoe oshchushchenie razrushit' vse i ne ostavit' ni edinoj chasticy civilizacii, grobyashchej iskonnost' zhelanij. YA brosalsya iz storony v storonu, ceplyalsya za nuzhnyj postupok. I.... chto? Podchinyalsya li ya ustoyam mira ili podchinyalsya ya ustoyam mirozdaniya? No chemu-to ya vse-taki podchinyalsya, i, navernyaka, podchinenie moe bylo estestvennym processom, na kotoryj obrekalo menya bespovorotno i bezogovorochno bestolkovoe nagromozhdenie zakonov i pravil, pridumannyh nashimi predkami, kotorye vsego lish' "razvivalis'", i nam vnushili, chto vse, chto proizoshlo i proishodit sejchas, -- eto postepennoe neotvratimoe razvitie. Piloj kroili mne golovu vyskazyvaniya politikov, iglami protykali mne serdce trebovaniya terroristov. A chto sdelal ya, chem ya pomog iznyvayushchej planete?????? Zadumyvayas' nad svoej bespomoshchnost'yu, ya lish' prodolzhal zarabatyvat' sebe na hleb, lish' uedinyayas' v svoih pis'menah, kotorye hranili v sebe revolyuciyu, vosstanie duha, no gde oni sejchas, moi stroki i ih pochitateli??? Oni tozhe sostarilis', i tozhe sejchas shvyryayut komu-to v glaza svoyu neudovletvorennost', uzhe iznoshennuyu i razlagayushchuyusya na mysli o nevkusnosti pishchi, plohoj igre futbol'nyh lyubimcev, zaderzhaniem pensii i slishkom vysokih cenah na telefonnye peregovory, teryayushchuyusya v progulkah po parku i odinokom prosizhivanii na skamejkah i razgovorah s golubyami i ulichnymi psami, skvozyashchej v edkosti vyskazyvanij po povodu poslednih novostej, sypyashchihsya s ekrana postoyanno rugaemogo televizora. A mozhet, napisat' im vsem pis'ma, svoim kollegam, kto kogda-to stradal so mnoj i vynosil tyagoty bor'by s zakreposhcheniem chelovecheskoj lichnosti. A ved' nam togda kazalos', chto my v avangarde chelovecheskogo soobshchestva, chto my dostigli osoznaniya chego-to bol'shego, chem schast'e... chego-to zapredel'nogo. YA slushala ego s nevynosimoj toskoj. Potom on vdrug izmenilsya, ostyl, vzyal menya za ruku i povel na tancpol. Tam bylo polnym polno krasivyh i naryadnyh devushek i parnej. Tancevali, spletayas' telami. On radovalsya kazhdomu licu, ulybke i rukopozhatiyu, poceluyu. Ego privetstvovali, kak samogo zhelannogo i rodnogo cheloveka. Champaign and sex. Roden said it and disappeared in his own thought. He also said one day: stop inanity... and what happened then... Did he find something out of everything? Keli uzhe tancevala s nim, a Kim shvatila moi ruki i potyanula v gushchu razgoryachennyh lyudej, ya ej ne soprotivlyalas'. Ee prikosnoveniya tokom prozhgli moe telo, propitali ego energiej mnozhestva tel, soprikasayushchihsya i obostryayushchih chuvstvitel'nost', kak budto umeshchaemyh polnost'yu v nej, ee hrupkom tele. CHerez kakoe-to vremya ya poteryala iz vidu svoego sputnika. YA nikogda ne videla takoe kolichestvo mimoletno schastlivyh lyudej, otdayushchihsya svoemu schast'yu v svoem edinenii sejchas, zabyvaya o tom, chto, vidimo, eshche bolee nepod®emnym pressom navalitsya na ih soznaniya odinochestvo i mysli ob uhode iz etogo mira, edva nastupit ih nastoyashchee "zavtra". YA nikogda ne videla, nichego ne videla, togo, chto videli oni, chto otkryvalo im svoi sokrovishcha i tainstva. YA chitala v ih glazah lish' to, chto ya ne v sostoyanii ponyat' chego-to takogo, chto daetsya stradaniem, chto zreet kak opuhol', i zarazhaet kazhduyu zhivuyu chastichku organizma. YA gotovilas' k nekoemu otkroveniyu. On govoril, chto budet syurpriz, i mne ne terpelos' udivit'sya chemu-to takomu, chto vyvedet menya za gran' postizhimogo. Mozhet togda mne stanut ponyatny nekie prostye i vechnye istiny, ili ya navsegda uspokoyus' i s bespechnost'yu smogu otnosit'sya k suetnosti mira. Obozhzheno-krasnyj i obnazhenno-krasnyj cvet ego glaz raz®edal moi vozmozhnosti, shansy vyrvat'sya i bezhat' ot, iz... kuda-to ottuda, gde byli ONI, vse, kto uzhe ne mog prosto zhit' v mire, lyubom, kakim by on ni byl, komu nuzhna byla chastichka smerti, pogruzhennaya v glubinu oshchushchenij kazhdogo iz nih. YA byla drugoj... Byla... ya govorila sebe, chto "byla". No ne ya li byla toj do bespamyatstva ispugannoj malen'koj devochkoj, kotoroj predstoyal dolgij i muchitel'nyj put' v slozhnyj beskrajnij mir, i stolknoveniya so vse bolee charuyushchimi otkrytiyami. Na kakoe-to mgnovenie ya pochuvstvovala sebya sektantkoj, otrekayushchimsya ot lyubyh tradicij izgoem, popirayushchim moral' inovercem. Fabrisom, chert voz'mi; ya pochuvstvovala sebya, zagnannym v ugol mechushchimsya zverem, razrisovannoj i cvetushchej antilopoj, kosmicheskoj tkan'yu, chernoj dyroj, zatyagivayushchej mysli i prevrashchayushchej ih v gigantskie sfery i siyaniya. Moj malen'kij mozg, moi nepravil'nye cherty lica. On zavel menya v komnatu. Tam na cinovkah sideli raznye devushki, kazhdoe lico zhilo svoej zhizn'yu, no, vidimo, proshloj zhizn'yu, davno zavershivshejsya, ne ostavivshej ni odnoj iskry dlya zarozhdeniya novogo emocional'nogo vspleska, ih vzglyady povisali v prostranstve, lishennye smysla, nichego ne iskali, krome sosredotochennosti na odnoj vsegda bestelesnoj tochke. YA smotrela na ih bezdejstvennye ruki, bezvol'nye dvizheniya pal'cev. ZHutkim bylo osoznavat', chto kogda-to eti lica svetili