clothes together.
Thousands of tiny pieces of jam 'hook' on to thousands of tiny-pieces of
dribble, enabling the cloth to become 'sticky'.
HALIFAX (n.)
The green synthetic astroturf on which greengrocers display their
vegetables.
HAMBLEDON (n.)
The sound of a single-engined aircraft flying by, heard whilst lying in
a summer field in England, which somehow concentrates the silence and sense
of space and timelessness and leaves one with a profound feeling of
something or other.
HAPPLE (vb.)
To annoy people by finishing their sentences for them and then telling
them what they really meant to say.
HARBLEDOWN (vb.)
To manoeuvre a double mattress down a winding staircase.
HARBOTTLE (n.)
A particular kind of fly which lives inside double glazing.
HARPENDEN (n.)
The coda to a phone conversion, consisting of about eight exchanges, by
which people try gracefully to get off the line.
HASELBURY PLUCKNETT (n.)
A mechanical device for cleaning combs invented during the industrial
revoulution at the same time as Arkwright's Spinning Jenny, but which didn't
catch on in the same way.
HASSOP (n.)
The pocket down the back of an armchair used for storing two-shilling
bits and pieces of Lego.
HASTINGS (pl.n.)
Things sain on the spur of the moment to explain to someone who comes
into a room unexpectedly precisely what it is you are doing.
HATHERSAGE (n.)
The tiny snippets of beard which coat the inside of a washbasin after
shaving in it.
HAUGHAM (n.)
One who loudly informs other diners in a resturant what kind of man he
is by calling for the chef by his christian name from the lobby.
HAXBY (n.)
Any garden implement found in a potating shed whose exact purpose is
unclear.
HEATON PUNCHARDON (n.)
A violent argument which breaks out in the car on the way home from a
party between a couple who have had to be polite to each other in company
all evening.
HENSTRIDGE (n.)
The dried yellow substance found between the prongs of forks in
resturants.
HERSTMONCEUX (n.)
The correct name for the gold medallion worn by someone who is in the
habit of wearing their shirt open to the waist.
HEVER (n.)
The panic caused by half-hearing Tannoy in an airport.
HIBBING (n.)
The marks left on the outside breast pocket of a storekeeper's overall
where he has put away his pen and missed.
HICKLING (participial vb.)
The practice of infuriating teatregoers by not only arriving late to a
centre-row seat, but also loudly apologising to and patting each member of
the audience in turn.
HIDCOTE BARTRAM (n.)
To be caught in a hidcote bartram is to say a series of protracted and
final goodbytes to a group of people, leave the house and then realise
you've left your hat behind.
HIGH LIMERIGG (n.)
The topmost tread of a staircase which disappers when you've climbing
the stairs in the darkness.
HIGH OFFLEY (n.)
Gossnargh (q.v.) three weeks later.
HOBBS CROSS (n.)
The awkward leaping manoeuvre a girl has to go throught in bed in order
to make him sleep on the wet patch.
HODDLESDEN (n.)
An 'injured' footballer's limb back into the game which draws applause
but doesn't fool anybody.
HODNET (n.)
The woodn safety platform supported by scaffolding round a building
under construction from which the builders (at almost no personal risk) can
drop pieces of cement on passers-by.
HOFF (vb.)
To deny indignantly something which is palpably true.
HOGGESTON (n.)
The action of overshaking a pair of dice in a cup in the mistaken
belief that this will affect the eventual outcome in your favour and not
irritate everyone else.
HORTON-CUM-STUDLEY (n.)
The combination of little helpful grunts, nodding movements of the
head, considerate smiles, upward frowns and serious pauses that a group of
people join in making in trying to elicit the next pronouncement of somebody
with a dreadful stutter.
HOVE (adj.)
Descriptive of the expression seen onthe face of one person in the
presence of another who clearly isn't going to stop talking for a very long
time.
HOYLAKE (n.)
The pool of edible gravy which surrounds an inedible and discusting
lump of meat - eaten to give the impression that the person is 'just not
very hungry, but mmm this is delicious'.
Cf. Peaslake - a similar experience had by vegetarians.
HUBY (n.)
A half-erection large enough to be a publicly embarrassing bulge in the
trousers, not large enough to be of any use to anybody.
HUCKNALL (vb.)
To crouch upwards: as in the movement of a seated person's feet and
legs made in order to allow a cleaner's hoover to pass beneath them.
HULL (adj.)
Descriptive of the smell of a weekend cottage.
HUMBER (vb.)
To move like the cheeks of a very fat person as their car goes over a
cattle grid.
HUMBY (n.)
An erection which won't go down when a gentleman has to go for a pee in
the middle of making love to someone.
HUNA (n.)
The result of coming to the worng decision.
HUNSINGORE (n.)
Medieval ceremonial brass horn with which the successful execution of
an araglin (q.v.) is trumpeted from the castle battlements.
HUTLERBURN (n.archaic)
A brun sustained as a result of the behaviour of a clumsy hutler. (The
precise duties of hutlers are noe lost in the mists of history.)
HUTTOFT (n.)
The fibrous algae which grows in the dark, moist environment of trouser
turn-ups.
IBSTOCK (n.)
Anything used to make a noise on a corrugated iron wall or
clinker-built fence by dragging it along the surface while walking past it.
'Mr Bennett thoughtfully selected a stout ibstock and left the house.' -
Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice, II.
IPING (participial vb.)
The increasingly anxious shifting from leg to leg you go through when
you are desperate to go to the lavatory and the person you are talking to
keeps on remembering a few final things he want to mention.
IPSWICH (n.)
The sound at the other end of the telephone which tells you that the
automatic exchange is working very hard but is intending not actually to
connect you this time, merely to let you know how difficult it is.
JARROW (adj.)
An agrucultural device which, when towed behind a tractor, enables the
farmer to spread his dung evenly across the width of the road.
JAWCRAIG (n. medical)
A massive facial spasm which is brought on by being told a really
astounding piece of news.
A mysterious attack of jawcraig affected 40,000 sheep in Whales in
1952.
JURBY (n.)
A loose wollen garment reaching to the knees and with three or more
armholes, knitted by the wearer's well- meaning but incompetent aunt.
KALAMI (n.)
The ancient Eastern art of being able to fold road-maps properly.
KANTURK (n.)
An extremly intricate knot orginally used for belaying the topgallant
foresheets of a gaff-rigged China clipper, and now more commonly observed
when trying to gen an old kite out of the cupboard under the stairs.
KEELE (adj.)
The horrible smell caused by washing ashtrays.
KELLING (participial vb.)
A person searching for something, who has reached the futile stage of
re-looking i all the places they have looked once already, is said to be
kelling.
KENT (adj.)
Politely determined not to help despite a violent urge to the contrary.
Kent expressions are seen on the faces of people who are good at
something watching someone else who can't do it at all.
KENTUCKEY (adv.)
Fitting exactly and satisfyingly.
The cardboard box that slides neatly into an exact space in a garage,
or the last book which exactly fills a bookshelf, is said to fit 'real nice
and kentuckey'.
KERRY (n.)
The small twist of skin which separated each sausage on a string.
KETTERING (n.)
The marks left on your bottom or thighs after sunbathing on a
wickerwork chair.
KETTLENESS (adj.)
The quality of not being able to pee while being watched.
KIBBLESWORTH (n.)
The footling amount of money by which the price of a given article in a
shop is less than a sensible number, in a vain hope that at least one idiot
will think it cheap. For instance, the kibblesworth on a pair of shoes
priced at £19.99 is 1p.
KIMMERIDGE (n.)
The light breeze which blows through your armpit hair when you are
stretched out sunbathing.
KINGSTON BAGPUISE (n.)
A forty-year-old sixteen-stone man trying to commit suicide by jogging.
KIRBY (n.)
Small but repulsive piece of food prominently attached to a person's
face or clothing.
See also CHIPPING ONGAR.
KIRBY MISPERTON (n.)
One who kindly attempts to wipe an apparent kirby (q.v.) off another's
face with a napkin, and then discovers it to be a wart or other permanent
fixture, is said to have committed a 'kirby misperton'.
KITMURVY (n.)
Man who owns all the latest sporting gadgetry and clothing (gold
trolley, tee cosies, ventilated shoes, Gary Player- autographed tracksuit
top, American navy cap, mirror sunglasses) but is still only on his second
gold lesson.
KNOPTOFT (n.)
The mysterious fluff placed in your pockets by dry-cleaning firms.
KURDISTAN (n.)
Hard stare given by a husband to his wife when he notices a sharp
increase in the number of times he answers the phone to be told, 'Sorry,
wrong number.'
LAMLASH (n.)
The folder on hotel dressing-tables full of astoundingly dull
information.
LARGOWARD (n.)
Motorists' name for the kind of pedestrian who stands beside a main
road and waves onthe traffic, as if it's their right of way.
LE TOUQUET (n.)
A mere nothing, an unconsidered trifle, a negligible amount. Un touquet
is often defined as the difference between the cost of a bottle of gin
bought in an off-licence and one bought in a duty-free shop.
LIFF (n.)
A book, the contents of which are totally belied by its cover. For
instance, any book the dust jacket of which bears the words. 'This book will
change your life'.
LIMERIGG (vb.)
To jar one's leg as the result of the disapperarance of a stair which
isn't there in the darkness.
LINDISFARNE (adj.)
Descriptive of the pleasant smell of an empty biscuit tin.
LISTOWEL (n.)
The small mat onthe bar designed to be more absorbent than the bar, but
not as absorbent as your elbows.
LITTLE URSWICK (n.)
The member of any class who most inclines a teacher towards the view
that capital punishment should be introduced in schools.
LLANELLI (adj.)
Descriptive of the waggling movement of a person's hands when shaking
water from them or warming up for a piece of workshop theatre.
LOCHRANZA (n.)
The long unaccomplished wail in the middle of a Scottish folk song
where the pipes nip around the corner for a couple of drinks.
LONGNIDDRY (n.)
A droplet which persists in running out of your nose.
LOSSIEMOUTH (n.)
One of those middle-aged ladies with just a hint of a luxuriant
handlebar moustache.
LOUTH (n.)
The sort of man who wears loud check jackets, has a personalised
tankard behind the bar and always gets served before you do.
LOW ARDWELL (n.)
Seductive remark made hopefully in the back of a taxi.
LOW EGGBOROUGH (n.)
A quiet little unregarded man in glasses who is building a new kind of
atomic bomb in his garden shed.
LOWER PEOVER (n.)
Common solution to the problems of a humby (q.v.)
LOWESTOFT (n.)
(a) The balls of wool which collect on nice new sweaters.
(b) The correct name for 'navel fluff'.
LOWTHER (vb.)
(Of a large group of people who have been to the cinema together.) To
stand aimlessly about on the pavement and argue about whetever to go and eat
either a Chinese meal nearby or an Indian meal at a resturant which somebody
says is very good but isn't certain where it is, or have a drink and think
about it, or just go home, or have a Chinese meal nearby - until by the time
agreement is reached everything is shut.
LUBCROY (n.)
The telltale little lump in the top of your swimming trunks which tells
you you are going to have to spend half an hour with a safety pin trying to
pull the drawstring out again.
LUDLOW (n.)
A wad of newspaper, folded tablenapkin or lump of carboard put under a
wobbly table or chair to make it standup straight.
It is perhaps not widely known that air-ace Sir Douglas Bader used to
get about on an enormous pair of ludlows before he had his artificial legs
fitted.
LUFFENHAM (n.)
Feeling you get when the pubs aren't going to be open for another
fortyfive minutes and the luffness in begining to wear a bit thin.
LUFFNESS (n.)
Hearty feelingthat comes from walking on the moors with gumboots and
cold ears.
LULWORTH (n.)
Measure of conversation.
A lulworth defines the amount of the length, loudness and embarrassment
of a statement you make when everyone else in the room unaccountly stops
talking at the same time.
LUPPITT (n.)
The piece of leather which hangs off the bottom of your shoe before you
can be bothered to get it mended.
LUSBY (n.)
The fold of flesh pushing forward over the top of a bra which is too
small for the lady inside it.
LUTON (n.)
The horseshoe-shaped rug which goes around a lavatory seat.
LYBSTER (n., vb.)
The artificail chuckle in the voice-over at the end of a supposedly
funny television commercial.
LYDIARD TREGOZE (n.)
The opposite of a mavis enderby (q.v.) An unrequited early love of your
life who still causes terrible pangs though she inexplicably married a
telephone engineer.
MAARUIG (n.)
The inexpressible horror experienced on walking up in the morning and
remembering that you are Andy Stewart.
MAENTWROG (n. Welsh)
The height by which the top of a wave exceeds the heigh to which you
have rolled up your trousers.
MALIBU (n.)
The height by which the top of a wave exceeds the height to which you
have rolled up your trousers.
MANKINHOLES (pl.n.)
The small holes in a loaf of bread which give rise to the momentary
suspicion that something may have made its home within.
MAPLEDURHAM (n.)
A hideous piece of chipboard veneer furniture bought in a suburban
highstreet furniture store and designed to hold exactly a year's supply of
Sunday colour supplements.
MARGATE (n.)
A margate is a particular kind of commissionaire who sees you every day
and is on cheerful Christian-name terms with you, then one day refuses to
let you in because you've forgotten your identify card.
MARKET DEEPING (participial vb.)
Stealing one piece of fruit from a street fruit-and- vegetable stall.
MARLOW (n.)
The bottom drawer in the kitchen your mother keeps her paper bags in.
MARYTAVY (n.)
A person to whom, under dire injuctions of silence, you tell a secret
which you wish to be fare more widely known.
MASSACHUSETTS (pl.n.)
Those items and particles which people who, after blowing their noses,
are searching for when they look into their hankies.
MATCHING GREEN (adj.)
(Of nackties.) Any colour which Nigel Rees rejects as unsuitable for
his trousers or jacket.
MAVIS ENDERBY (n.)
The almost-completely-forgotten girlfriend from your distant past for
whom your wife has a completely irrational jealousy and hatred.
MEATH (adj.)
Warm and very slightly clammy.
Descriptive of the texture of your hands after the automatic drying
machine has turned itself off, just damp enough to make it embarrassing if
you have to shake hands with someone immediately afterwards.
MEATHOP (n.)
One who sets off for the scene of an aircraft crash with a picnic
hamper.
MEETH (n.)
Something which American doctors will shortly tell us we are all
suffering from.
MELCOMBE REGIS (n.)
The name of the style of decoration used in cocktail lounges in mock
Tudor hotels in Surrey.
MELLON UDRIGLE (n.)
The ghastly sound made by traditional folksingers.
MELTON CONSTABLE (n.)
A patent anti-wrinkle cream which policemen wear to keep themselves
looking young.
MEMPHIS (n.)
The little bits of yellow fluff which get trapped in the hinge of the
windscreen wipers after polishing the car with a new duster.
MILWAUKEE (n.)
The melodious whistling, chanting and humming tone of the milwaukee can
be heard whenever a public lavatory is entered. It is the way the occupants
of the cubicles have of telling you there's no lock on their door and you
can't come in.
MINCHINHAMPTON (n.)
The expression on a man's face when he has just zipped up his trousers
without due care and attention.
MOFFAT (n.tailoring term)
That part of your coat which is designed to be sat on by the person
next of you on the bus.
MOLESBY (n.)
The kind of family that drives to the seaside and then sits in the car
with all the windows closed, reading the Sunday Express and wearing sidcups
(q.v.)
MONKS TOFT (n.)
The bundle of hair which is left after a monk has been tonsured, which
he keeps tired up with a rubber band and uses for chasing ants away.
MOTSPUR (n.)
The fourth wheel of a supermarket trolley which looks identical to the
other tree but renders the trolley completely uncontrollable.
MO I RANA
Imagine beeing on a vacation, and it's raining all the time, you are
driving and the kids are making you a nervous wreck. Well you are defenitive
in Mo i Rana.
MUGEARY (n.medical)
The substance from which the unpleasant little yellow globules in the
corners of a sleepy person's eyes are made.
MUNDERFIELD (n.)
A meadow selected, whilst driving past, as being ideal for a picnic
which, from a sitting position, turns out to be full of stubble, dust and
cowpats, and almost impossible to enjoy yourself in.
NAAS (n.)
The windmaking region of Albania where most of the wine that people
take to bottle-parties comes from.
NACTION (n.)
The 'n' with which cheap advertising copywriters replace the word 'and'
(as in 'fish 'n' chips', 'mix 'n' match', 'assault 'n' battery'), in the
mistaken belief that this is in some way chummy or endearing.
NAD (n.)
Measure defined as the distance between a driver's oustretched
fingertips and the ticket machine in an automatic car-park.
1 nad = 18.4 cm.
NANHORON (n.medical)
A tiny valve concealed in the inner ear which enables a deaf granmother
to converse quite normally when she feels like it, but which excludes
completely anything that sounds like a request to help with laying the
table.
NANTWICH (n.)
A late-night snack, invented by the Earl of Nantwich, which consists of
the dampest thing in the fridge, pressed between two of the driest things in
the fridge. The Earl, who lived in a flat in Clapham, inventedthe nantwich
to avoid having to go shopping.
NAPLES (pl.n.)
The tiny depression in a piece of Ryvita.
NASEBY (n.)
The stout metal instument used for clipping labels on to exhibits at
flower shows.
NAUGATUCK (n.)
A plastic sachet containing shampoo, polyfilla, etc., which is
impossible to open except by off the corners.
NAZEING (participial vb.)
The rather unconvincing noices of pretended interest which an adult has
to make when brought a small dull object for admiration by a child.
NEEN SOLLARS (pl.n.)
Any ensemble of especially unflattering and perticular garments worn by
a woman which tell you that she is right at the forefront of fashion.
NEMPNETT THRUBWELL (n.)
The feeling experienced when driving off for the frist time on a brand
new motorbike.
NETHER POPPLETON (n. obs.)
A pair of P.J.Proby's trousers.
NOTTAGE (n.)
Nottage is the collective name for things which you find a use for
immediately after you've thrown them away.
For instance, your greenhouse has been cluttered up for years with a
huge piece of cardboard and great fronds of gardening string. You at last
decide to clear all this stuff out, and you burn it. Within twenty-four
hours you will urgently need to wrap a large parcel, and suddenly remember
that luckily in your greenhouse there is some carb...
NUBBOCK (n.)
The kind of person who has to leave before a party can relax and enjoy
itself.
NOTBOURNE (n.)
In a choice between two or more possible puddings, the one nobody
plumps for.
NYBSTER (n.)
Sort of person who takes the lift to travel one floor.
OCKLE (n.)
An electrical switch which appears to be off in both positions.
OSBASTON (n.)
A point made for the sevent time to somebody who insisits that they
know exactly what you mean but clearly hasn't got the faintest idea.
OSHKOSH (n., vb.)
The noise made by someone who has just been grossly flattered and is
trying to make light of it.
OSSETT (n.)
A frilly spare-toilet-roll-cosy.
OSWALDTWISTLE (n. Old Norse)
Small brass wind instrument used for summoning Vikings to lunch when
they're off on their longships, playing.
OBWESTRY (abs.n.)
Bloody-minded determination on part of a storyteller to continue a
story which both the teller and the listeners know has become desperately
tedious.
OUGHTERBY (n.)
Someone you don't want to invite to a party but whom you know you have
to as a matter of duty.
OUNDLE (vb.)
To walk along leaning sideways, with one arm hanging limp and dragging
one leg behind the other.
Most commonly used by actors in amateur production of Richard III, or
by people carrying a heavy suitcase in one hand.
OZARK (n.)
One who offers to help just after all the work has been done.
PABBY (n.,vb.)
(Fencing term.) The play, or manoeuvre, where one swordsman leaps on to
the table and pulls the battleaxe off the wall.
PANT-Y-WACCO (adj.)
The final state of mind of retired colonel before they come to take him
away.
POPCASTLE (n.)
Something drawn or modelled by a small child which you are supposed to
know wait it is.
PAPPLE (vb.)
To do what babies do to soup with their spoons.
PAPWORTH EVERARD (n.)
Technical term for the third take of an orgasm scene during the making
of a pornographic film.
PEEBLES (pl.n.)
Small, carefully rolled pellets of skegness (q.v.)
PELUTHO (n.)
A South American ball game. The balls are whacked against a brick wall
with a stout wooden bat until the prisoner confesses.
PEN-TRE-TAFARN-Y-FEDW (n.)
Welsh word which literally translates as 'leaking-biro-by-
the-glass-hole-of-the-clerk-of-the-bank-has-been-taken-to-
another-place-leaving-only-the-special-inkwell-and-three-
inches-of-tin-chain'.
PEORIA (n.)
The fear of peeling too few potatoes.
PERCYHORNER (n.)
(English public-school slang). A prefect whose duty it is to suprise
new boys at the urinal humiliate them in a manner of his choosing.
PERRANZABULOE (n.)
One of those spray things used to wet ironing with.
PEVENSEY (n.archaic)
The right to collect shingle from the king's foreshore.
PIDDLETRENTHIDE (n.)
A trouser stain caused by a wimbledon (q.v.). Not to be confused with a
botley (q.v.)
PIMLICO (n.)
Small odd-shaped piece of plastic or curious metal component found in
the bottom of kitchen rummagedrawer when spring-cleaning or looking for
Sellotape.
PIMPERNE (n.)
One of those rubber nodules found on the underneath side of a lavatory
seat.
PITLOCHRY (n.)
The background gurgling noise heard in Wimby Bars caused by people
trying to get the last bubbles out of their milkshakes by slurping loudly
through their straws.
PITSLIGO (n.)
Part of traditional mating rite.
During the first hot day of spring, all the men in the tube start
giving up their seats to ladies and staphanging. The purpose of pitsligo is
for them to demonstrate their manhood by displaying the wet patches under
their arms.
PLEELEY (adj.)
Descriptive of a drunk person's attempt to be endearing.
PLYMOUTH (vb.)
To relate an amusing story to someone without remembering that it was
they who told it to you in the first place.
PLYMPTON (n.)
The (pointless) knob on top of a war memorial.
PODE HOLE (n.)
A hole drilled in chipboard lavatory walls by homosexuals for any one
of a number of purposes.
POGES (pl.n.)
The lumps of dry powder that remain after cooking a packet soup.
POLBATHIC (adj.)
Gifted with ability to manipulate taps using only the feet.
POLLOCH (n.)
One of those tiny ribbed-plastic and aluminium foil tubs of milk served
on trains enabling you to carry one safely back to you compartment where
your legs in comfort trying to get the bloody things open.
POLPERRO (n.)
A polperro is the ball, or muff, of soggy hair found clinging to bath
overflow-holes.
POONA (n.)
Satisfied grunting noise made when sitting back after a good meal.
POTT SHRIGLEY (n.)
Dried remains of a week-old casserole, eaten when extremely drunk at
two a.m.
PUDSEY (n.)
The curious-shaped flat wads of dough left on a kitchen table after
someone has been cutting scones out of it.
QUABBS (pl.n.)
The substances which emerge when you squeeze a blackhead.
QUALL (vb.)
To speak with the voice of one who requires another to do something for
them.
QUEDGELEY (n.)
A rabidly left-wing politican who can afford to be that way because he
married a millionairess.
QUEENZIEBURN (n.)
Something that happens when people make it up after an agglethorpe
(q.v.)
QUENBY (n.)
A stubborn spot on a window which you spend twenty minutes trying to
clean off before discovering it's on the other side of the glass.
QUERRIN (n.)
A person that no one has ever heard of who unaccountably manages to
make a living writing prefaces.
QUOYNESS (n.)
The hatefullness of words like 'relionus' and 'easiephit'.
RAMSGATE (n.)
All institutional buildings must, by law, contain at least twenty
remsgates. These are doors which open the opposite way to the one you
expect.
RANFURLY (adj.)
Fashion of trying ties so that the long thin end underneath dangles
below the short fat upper end.
RECULVER (n.)
The sort of remark only ever made during Any Questions.
RIPON (vb.)
(Of literary critics.) To include all the best jokes from the book in
the review to make it look as if the critic thought of them.
ROCHESTER (n.)
One who is able to gain occupation of the armrest on both sides of
their cinema or aircraft seat.
ROYSTON (n.)
The man behind you in church who sings with terrific gusto almost tree
quarters of a tone off the note.
RUNCORN (n.)
A peeble (q.v.) which is larger that a belper (q.v.)
SADBERGE (n.)
A violent green shrub which is ground up, mixed with twigs and gelatine
and served with clonmult (q.v.) and buldoo (q.v.) in a container referred to
for no known reason as a 'relish tray'.
SAFFRON WALDEN (n.)
To spray the person you are talking to with half-chewed breadcrumbs or
small pieces of whitebait.
SAVERNAKE (vb.)
To sew municipal crests on to a windcheater in the belief that this
will make the wearer appear cosmopolitan.
SCAMBLEBY (n.)
A small dog which resembles a throwrug and appears to be dead.
SCETHROG (n.)
One of those peculiar beards-without-moustaches worn by religious
Belgians and American scientists which help them look like trolls.
SCONSER (n.)
A person who looks around then when talking to you, to see if there's
anyone more interesting about.
SCOPWICK (n.)
The flap of skin which is torn off you lip when trying to smake an
untipped cigarette.
SCORRIER (n.)
A small hunting dog trained to snuffle amongst your private parts.
SCOSTHROP (vb.)
To make vague opening or cutting movements with the hands when
wandering about looking for a tin opener, scissors, etc. in the hope that
this will help in some way.
SCRABBY (n.)
A curious-shaped duster given to you by your mother which on closer
inspection turns out to be half an underpant.
SCRABSTER (n.)
One of those dogs which has it off on your leg during tea.
SCRAMOGE (vb.)
To cut oneself whilst licking envelopes.
SCRANTON (n.)
A person who, after the declaration of the bodmin (q.v.), always
says,'... But I only had the tomato soup.'
SCRAPTOFT (n.)
The absurd flap of hair a vain and balding man grows long above one ear
to comb it to the other ear.
SCREEB (n.)
To make the noise of a nylon anorak rubbing against a pair of corduroy
trousers.
SCREGGAN (n.banking)
The crossed-out bit caused by people putting the wrong year on their
cheques all through January.
SCREMBY (n.)
The dehydrated felt-tip pen attached by a string to the 'Don't Forget'
board in the kitchen which has never worked in living memory but which no
one can be bothered to throw away.
SCROGGS (n.)
The stout pubic hairs which protrude from your helping of moussaka in a
cheap Greek resturant.
SCRONKEY (n.)
Something that hits the window as a result of a violent sneeze.
SCULLET (n.)
The last teaspoon in the washing up.
SEATTLE (vb.)
To make a noise like a train going along.
SHALUNT (n.)
One who wears Trinidad and Tobago T-shirts on the beach in Bali to
prove thay didn't just win the holiday in a competition or anything.
SHANKLIN (n.)
The hoop of skin around a single slice of salami.
SHENANDOAH (n.)
The infinite smugness of one who knows they are entitled to a place in
a nuclear bunker.
SHEPPY (n.)
Measure of distance (equal to approximately seven eighths of a mile),
defined as the closest distance at which sheep remain picturesque.
SHIFNAL (n.,vb.)
An awkward shuffling walk caused by two or more people in a hurry
accidentally getting into the same segment of revolving door. A similar
effect is achieved by people entering three-legged races unwisely joined at
the neck instead of the ankles.
SHIRMERS (pl.n.)
Tall young men who stand around smiling at weddings as if to suggest
that they know they bride reather well.
SHOEBURYNESS (abs.n.)
The vague uncomfortable feeling you get when sitting on a seat which is
still warm from somebody else's bottom.
SHRIVENHAM (n.)
One of Germaine Greer's used-up lovers.
SIDCUP (n.)
One of those hats made from tying knots in the corners of a
handkerchief.
SILESIA (n.medical)
The inability to remember, at the critical moment, which is the better
side of a boat to be seasick off.
SILLOTH (n.)
Something that was sticky, and is now furry, found on the carpet under
the sofa the morning after a party.
SIMPRIM (n.)
The little movement of false modesty by which a girl with a cavernous
visible cleavage pulls her skirt down over her knees.
SITTINGBOURNE (n.)
One of those conversions where both people are waiting for the other
one to shut up so they can get on with their bit.
SKEGNESS (n.)
Nose excreata of a malleable consistency.
SKELLOW (adj.)
Descriptive of the satisfaction experienced when looking at a really
good dry-stone wall.
SKENFRITH (n.)
The flakes of athelete's foot found inside socks.
SKETTY (n.)
Apparently self-propelled little dance a beer glass performs in its own
puddle.
SKIBBEREEN (n.)
The noise made by a sunburned thight leaving plastic chair.
SLIGO (n.)
An unnamed and exotic sexual act which people like to believe that
famous films stars get up to in private. 'To commit slingo.'
SLOGARIE (n.)
Hillwalking dialect for the seven miles of concealed rough moorland
which lie between what you though was the top of the hill and what actually
is.
SLUBBERY (n.)
The gooey drips of wax that dribble down the sides of a candle so
beloved by Italian resturants with Chianti bottles instead of wallpaper.
SLUGGAN (n.)
A lurid facial bruise which everyone politely omits to mention because
it's obvious that you had a punch-up with your spourse last night - but
which into a door. Is is useless to volunteer the true explanation because
nobody will believe it.
SLUMBAY (n.)
The cigarette end someone discovers in the mouthful of lager they have
just swigged from a can at the end of party.
SMARDEN (vb.)
To keep your mouth shut by smiling determinedly through you teeth.
Smardening is largely used by people trying to give the impression that
they're enjoying a story they've heard at least six times before.
SMEARISARY (n.)
The correct name for a junior apprentice greengrocer whose main duty is
to arrange the fruit so that the bad side is underneath.
From the name of a character not in Dickens.
SNEEM (n.,vb.)
Particular kind of frozen smile bestowed on a small child by a parent
in mixed company when question, 'Mummy, what's this ?' appears to require
the answer,' Er...it's a rubber johnny,darling'.
SNITTER (n.)
One of the rather unfunny newspaper clippings pinned to an office wall,
the humour of which is supposed to derive from the fact that the headline
contains a name similar to that of one of the occupants to the office.
SNITTERBY (n.)
Someone who pins snitters (q.v.) on to snitterfields (q.v.) and is also
suspected of being responsible for the extinction of virginstows (q.v.)
SNITTERFIELD (n.)
Office noticeboard on which snitters (q.v.),cards saying 'You don't
have to be mad to work here, but if you are it helps !!!' and slightly
smutty postcards from ibiza get pinned up by snitterbies (q.v.)
SOLENT (adj.)
Descriptive of the state of serene selfknowledge reached through drink.
SOTTERLEY (n,)
Uncovered bit between two shops with awnings, which you have to cross
when it's raining.
SPITTAL OF GLENSHEE (n.)
That which has to be cleaned off castle floors in the morning after a
bagpipe contest or vampire attack.
SPOFFORTH (vb.)
To tidy up a room before the cleaning lady arrives.
SPROSTON GREEN (n.)
The violent colour of one of Nigel Rees's jackets, worn when he thinks
he's being elegant.
STEBBING (n.)
The erection you cannot conceal because you're not wearing a jacket.
STOKE POGES (n.)
The tapping moments of an index finger on glass made by a person
futilely attempting to communicate with either a tropical fish or a post
office clerk.
STURRY (n.,vb.)
A token run. Pedestrians who have chosen to cross a road immediately in
front of an approaching vehicle generally give a little wave and break into
a sturry. This gives the impression of hurrying without having any practical
effect on their speed whatsoever.
SUTTON and CHEAM (nouns)
Sutton and cheam are the kinds of dirt into which all dirt is divided.
'Sutton' is the dark sort that always gets on to light-coloured things,
'cheam' the light-coloured sort that clings to dark items. Anyone who has
ever found Marmite stains on a dress-shirt or seagull goo on a dinner jacker
(a) knows all about sutton and cheam, and (b) is going to tome very curious
dinner parties.
SWANAGE (pl.n.)
Swanage is the series of diversionary tactics used when trying to cover
up the existence of a glossop (q.v.) and may include (a) uttering a
highpitched laugh and pointing out of the window (NB. this doesn't work more
that twice); (b) sneezing as loudly as possible and wiping the glossop off
the table in the same movement as whipping out your handkerchief; (c) saying
'Christ! I seen to have dropped some shit on your table' (very unwise); (d)
saying 'Christ, who did that?' (better) (e) pressing your elbow on the
glossop itself and working your arms slowly to the edge of the table; (f)
leaving the glossop where it is but moving a plate over it and putting up
with sitting at an uncomfortable angle the rest of the meal; or, if the
glossop is in too exposed a position, (g) leaving it there unremarked except
for the occasional humourous glance.
SWANIBOST (adj.)
Complete shagged out after a hard day having income tax explained to
you.
SYMOND'S YAT (n.)
The little spoonful inside the lid of a recently opened boiled egg.
TABLEY SUPERIOR (n.)
The look directed at you in a teatre bar in the interval by people
who've already got their drinks.
TAMPA (n.)
The sound of a rubber eraser coming to rest after dropping off a desk
in a very quiet room.
TAROOM (vb.)
To make loud noises during the night to let the buglars know you are
in.
TEGUCIGALPA (n.)
An embarrassing mistake arising out of confusing the shape of something
rather rude with something perfectly ordinary when groping for it in the
darkness.
A common example of a tegucigalpa is when a woman pulls a packet of
Tampax out of her bag and offers them around under the impression that it is
a carton of cigarettes.
THEAKSTONE (n.)
Ancient mad tramp who jabbers to himself and swears loudly and
obscenely on station platforms and traffic islands.
THROCKING (participial vb.)
The action of countinually pushing down the lever on a pop-up toaster
in the hope that you will thereby get it to understand that you want it to
toast something.
Also : a style of drum-playing favoured by Nigel Olsson of the Elton
John Band, reminiscent of the sound of someone slapping a frankfurter
against a bucket. An excellent example of this is to be heard on 'Someone
Save My Life Tonight' from the album Captain Fantastic and the Brown Dirt
Cowboy.
THROUCKMORTON (n.)
The soul of a departed madman : one of those now known to inhabit the
timing mechanish of pop-up toasters.
THRUMSTRER (n.)
The irritating man next to you in a concert who thinks he's (a) the
conductor, (b) the brass section.
THRUPP (vb.)
To hold a ruler on one end on a desk and make the other end go
bbddbbddbbrrbrrrrddrr.
THURNBY (n.)
A rucked-up edge of carpet or linoleum which everyone says someone will
trip over and break a leg unless it gets fixed. After a year or two someone
trips over it and breaks a leg.
TIBSHELF (n.)
Criss-cross wooden construction hung on a wall in a teenage girl's
bedroom which is covered with glass bambies and poodles, matching pigs and
porclain ponies in various postures.
TIDPIT (n.)
The corner of a toenail from which satisfying little black deposits may
be sprung.
TIGHARRY (n.)
The accomplice or 'lure' who gets punters to participate in the
threecard trick on London streets by winning an improbable am