:


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     © Copyright  
     Email: omalakhov@acceur.com
     Date: 18 Jul 2003
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     Loveful-loveless

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     ***

                     
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     You're fashion. The  sentiment of latter Devonian void of time covering
my  eyes with pure grace. I feel  your  gasoline in  veins burning of  being
helpless, do greatest testimony, minor mine ... my infection.

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    .          .  Detruding
hormones from inside they used to imagine stories of unknown smiles and very
polite  coworkers  had in mind they were more than  friends. Losing patience
Pier got older and Agnes smoked too much in rooms unventilated. I dreamt how
I unveiled their secret infatuations.
     I'd love to masturbate  seeing Agnes and Pier together, how  they speak
to each other  cherishing.  No. Suddenly I make  rather  wrong  supposition.
Relieve me. Give me life.
     (    ,   .     
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,   , , .) ...

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Come  to my sweet  melody.  ,     . 
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     She desired to hurt somebody with a whisper,  I  heard it  all the time
wherever she  walked and  whenever she broke any silent moment.    
  ,           ,  
.  Though he  believed in  Anstie's  test.  And  friends  had  been
laughing  at  his worries. Playing tricks  and trying to invent some  stupid
fearful story  of  green wine victims. Difficult to remember  his hands  and
genius fingers.
           ,           
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,              . 
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      . I got in love  being disposed in
space ... testless. Rays of X penetrated my body, my eyes like Ghetto riots.
Best friends of them are  reckless in making acquaintances with  Ray, it was
our punishment. We  only remember his gloves. Bloody in galore. Oh!! Does we
all.  And you are all overall  loveralls.  Wind! Punch me  once with a blow.
Steal  my disharmonic gaze in  the  scissors of moonlight. I'll be  lying in
your  hands in your  bed being fed with stories of your sorrowful wanderings
and  strange  enlevements of  wanted  gorgeous ladies.  And  their flavours.
You'll cover me inside. But  what happens with my bodies... No Indian wisdom
is here to spread  an explanation. And  did  I lose her or starting to lose.
Her  name  is Clementine.  Or she is crashed and blasted with  unpredictable
storms  coming from islands with no shore. And nameless gone. Forgetting who
it   is.  Making   sense  of  nonsense.     ,      
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     . Lost  in inanity of forgettable  silence
when no one's supposed to feel  sense. Inside of groups  of  lost forever in
again and  again.  Unreal  and  wild with strange  wine  making eyes insane.
Pretty masculine-feminine inanity was the first lecture delivered by Maria's
husband.  ,       -- ,
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;         . They seemed to
be preoccupied. I left  the  room.       ,    
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    . What's  the problem.....  Density of
destiny  in  gracious  living  was  all  what  I wished to recreate.  Though
helplessly in arms of Agnes  / in  gladly looking insinuations of Clementine
walking  through my summer-time  to be  OK  I appear. Greetings during happy
hours and feeling happy. And dear, do  not  judge  a book by  its cover.  So
sorry, baby, leaving you down on the front views of the unique stairways and
do  love you. When signs are upper in space of  Woodstock festivals we  send
our hands to our eyes and falling into ants' being under the sunniest sounds
and no memory shall show how it  was and we'll see nothing (even  dreaming).
  .   .  Ocean dry.  Ocean waits. In mists. Lowering  snow.
Ocean tries.  Insomniacs are leaning  to waves. Water cycles.     
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     Crave for me. I'm happy! Forget me. I'm gloomy. Like in a child saying.
Like playing your kid  with  passionate desire to sleep in your  ionic  bed.
Blissful. The lazy moon is blowing me away.        ,  
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     I declared my name for everyone in the clinic. The PhD  freaks  started
to touch my fresh  hair. And  smelt my breath.  Memories  of their  students
found reflection in my gazing through hallways and kea corridors with secret
cabinets where no one could stop my DNA arrest.
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XIV   XV.             ,     
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. And no obsessions could chase us.
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     . Universes on the floor of  television
shows  start  beginning  securing  our  love flow.  Despite  confusions  and
embarrassment while kissing for the first time I regulated my daggering into
Kim's complexes  and my own acnephobia. We simply could not say simple words
and play common  games. Each  and every our chance  to get enfolded by  each
other made  us believe it was more than love and we used to lose the feeling
of being together once and again just looking  for something unattainable in
borderless space of our dreams.      .  
Slowdive                 
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I  received your portrait from  space. No one seemed to be  unknown to me by
that time. Really evoking eyes to remind me your face I got drowned in ocean
rebellion.             .               
,          ,
  ,  .     ,   
,        ,   ,
    . "Sunny girl" was the utmost primary Eugene's
thought. Maria  started  decoding his  brightless  and distorted breath. She
thought  at  once  she  wasted few lives  being  Pablo's  servant.    
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   ,   .  . Mary, stay with me. Did  I  say
it? I am too old to masturbate alone.

     ( ,       , -   
,  ,   .  .)

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            .    . I'd love to  have
energetic sex with a seductive shepherdess. 

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     Restrictive state policy overwhelmed our love story. It was always hard
to find any explanation for authorities' actions. At tea o'clock at my place
just seeing each other hugging each other tightly with  devotion and talking
of space worlds forgetting scorned  races outside we  meet. Eating chocolate
listening to MBV. Stopping  thinking of cruel militiamen. Stop inanity. Just
for a  second  giving a  chance to  yourself to feel the most  comprehensive
growth of love inside spreading and bursting out.
        ,      ,  ,  ,
,      , ,  trying  to recognise  eyes,  
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 All You Need Is Love.
     ...       ,           
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     --   , --  , --   ....
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    .

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       .     
       .
     -- !!!!!!!
     I  found  out  Clementine  was  in Lviv. She  stayed  their with  AEGEE
delegation  from  Spain. In  the evenings  she got drunk with Miha and had
been dancing with  Olav. She started to grow inside as she perceived all the
abnormality of her past and wasting time. Traveling to Kiev  she ran off few
relapse moods and drifted through  exciting acquaintances. I saw her weather
skin and sparkling eyes. Grasping her hands' waves I wished her face touched
mine and her breath got mixed with  my inspiration. Wished to cry,  to reach
her ears with I see you. Soon she was hidden in the dawn mists.

        .  ,     
,        ,  , 
   ,  .   
             
              
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.        .     
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    ,    ,    .
-  , -     
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 IV.             ,      
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.   . .


       .
                           
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      ,   :
     Art  was invisible, the planets  got unseen.  After  the smashes of two
universes  nothing resembled pure idea of a definite  dignity. They had been
eating their gypsy food and drinking their gypsy wine.
     The girls  around  started  to  feel excited as they could dance on the
tables  and  show  to  visitors their almost  naked bodies, legs and  asses,
almost naked breasts. Some guys did  cry  in the hall and evoked  barmen and
got drunker  more  and more. The stories told in the  nights reflected their
most hidden  and unknown  desires  where  they  had  been  taught  to  leave
everything behind and they did. The place looked so as  if it  was burnt and
destroyed completely by a child who wished to  stay pure. There everyone who
remembered  the  name  of  Clementine decided to meet in the  alley of  grey
cactuses. Poor relative also planned  to be there. Though he just had such a
joke. He used to wear glasses and be acquainted with all those who pretended
to be  elite artists. However he had never been bisexual. He only laughed at
everybody who had lovers of different sex. He had no real sex in life  as he
had a wrong wife or had no wife.  It is amazing how lifeless they are!!!!!!!
EVERYBODY
     EVERYONE
     ALL OF THEM
     WHERE SHOULD WE KILL THEM?
     WHEN?

     Clementine's  son  got  astonished   reading   all   that.  He  started
stuttering.  Clementine  got upset. But what could she  do? Her  son  had to
become a brilliant  painter. Reading that old  note-book Painter got freaked
off in  the class-rooms and his comrades'  companies. He wanted to reanimate
that incredible language he sank in. He continued reading:
       ,             .
    ,   .
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  .

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 -,    . Having found the edge he wished so much to  stay
at least for some indefinite time there being nowhere feeling being nowhere,
though  finally he realised how painful it was to be still  in and be needed
to someone as well  as  needing someone. Relieve me. Give me life.  He  knew
everything had to be fine in Acapulco but definitely he was exhausted by the
time of awakening. He always remembered that visions.
     Sunday morning he had always to get concentrated.  ,  
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? No tears in his eyes. The Painter would definitely try to teach him
how to cry with passion letting drops directly falling into somebody's palms
smelling oceans and colourful tropics.
                   
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   . Hey, hey, tell me what you want... and I will change  my
flaming  eyes coming back  into  your  cherishing body's  grace backing  you
spending rarest delicious phrases. They couldn't stop....
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beauty being real....no sensors... floating over and around.......behind the
screams  and  penetrating  waves  of  glorified  images  of  stars  lighting
through.....combining     shadows     with    miscellaneous     tints    and
flavours....spilling magic...
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tearing sounds. Noise resistant containers  saved her from being found.  But
she had no fear nevertheless. The ship had sailed away. Would they throw her
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hours of wild sex... Marking territories she used to travel around the world
making just occasional stops for masturbation.

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     I  was a little school-girl  living  in romantic love  sickness  seeing
senior popular boys, talking to girl-friends discussing dates. I never could
think  of meeting the one  I met  one day when the summer holidays were over
and I became a high-school-girl. It was in  the internet club I used to hang
over  in for hours writing letters to my boy-friend  from Lithuania. I was a
little bit tired and had no money to stay on-line longer. At the very moment
I wanted to stand up he was standing hanging over me and asked me whether my
work was over and I was  leaving the place.  He repeated  it once again as I
was not quite sure if I heard his  words right  and he noticed that. I saw a
face of that man I thought once in my life before and it seemed as I felt as
if  it  was  quite common for me to  see  his eyes  and  answer  his  simple
questions.  I  told  I was  just going to leave and proposed him to take  my
place. He behaved so as if he knew  me for years and  his manners  were easy
and natural. I got slightly afraid of his attitude toward me. Nevertheless I
did not even think of stopping that unexpected  acquaintance. There was some
oddity  covering his personality and giving charm to any gesture and phrase.
Though at the same time its irregularity and rareness  could  frighten and I
really  felt confused  time  after  time.  But could  not  stop letting  him
swallowing me. We stayed in a caf for an hour. When I took a cigarette and
lit it he looked at me with a tiny smile of a slight irony. Generally he was
not happy with my smoking. He ordered a strawberry shake but later suggested
to  drop  in at the bar nearby to  drink some posh  beer as he said assuring
there  was  no better beer in the whole city.  That offer and the way how he
made it  were those essential details contributing to his mystique. Later on
very occasionally he could  lose that mysterious way  of behaviour and  turn
into helpless and lost infant but I think the cause of those transformations
lied in  the deepest essence of his being I could hardly decode. I  remember
how he looked at me saying nothing. I got embarrassed and asked him to  stop
looking at me that way but he just smiled and could tell me he just liked my
eyes  and it was a great  pleasure to  see me confused.  I  got uptight  but
realised that the man who  was  looking at me saying such things few minutes
ago was unknown  to  me and I still knew nothing of him  to feel offended. I
even didn't know his name by the time he involved me in his own web.

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     Systematically drinking beer that came from  distant country (where  he
spent  few years accumulating a great spectrum of information living like  a
spectre  with queer people staying alone) I heard a lot of his  unbelievable
stories but probably the most important things had not been told.  I felt it
all the time. He loved the country he  left but he left it for a better lot.
Such  paradoxes  filled up  his  life and  made  it more  controversial  and
entrancing. I painfully realised how I got  dependent on  that communication
and  how hopeless it  was  to wait  when  such a  person  might  show stable
feelings and a real infatuation. I always tried to let along the thoughts of
inevitability  to get  separated  one day. But sometimes I wished so much to
leave  everything behind, to forget him, to stay alone  and  put my mind  in
order. All  of  a  sudden  order itself  lost its  sense.  I got changed and
moreover I started resembling him. He told  me his name. I am not sure if it
was real but I believed him. It was so simple to pronounce.

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     I was calm aiming to touch his necklace on his arm. Greedy in words  he
shook my breast and grasped my hair.  I was shocked. I was happy and excited
feeling him doing all he did. He said that there was no need to get  worried
and  it  would  be either  over with  no results just  leaving some  rags of
memories,  some splintered  names and figures or it  might  last forever.  I
stayed calm and continued mindlessly recording his splashing phrases cutting
my living guides.

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     It was obvious I turned into him.
     When I closed my eyes I  felt how  his insanity  lived  inside my inner
world, catching my each  look searching for myself.  I tried  to perceive at
least a piece of any idea born in me I gave birth to. I used to try escaping
from  his influence  meeting other people,  looking  for  new acquaintances.
Being alone  I was anyway kept in his aura, he ALWAYS was  around.  Covering
me.  People like something new but what happens if they  face something what
is not exactly  life at all, what came from some forbidden world never known
to humanity? That happened to me. Disorder...  Panic. Sometimes it seemed my
head was not mine. He just used it living in  it as he needed  badly a fresh
space to accumulate his new concepts having no place for that in his own.
     Have you ever  heard: I've lost my head! Yeah, I had. I really  lost my
head but later  I  plainly  identified I found something more. I still  have
doubts how to call it: "Death" or "Resurrection"?

     Once being drunk I  got  especially  excited though I felt no  physical
desire being near. He touched my  shoulders,  my face saying the things that
could kill any thinking of some  sexuality. Then I understood: it was  brain
love games. He loved my brain committing multiple intercourses...

     Periodically  he  was  a definite and  the  only  cure  to me  I'd been
searching  for being  helpless  to  find  an  answer  to  a great  number of
misunderstandings I  was drowning in in the human world. However sometimes I
got shocked realising that it was  just illusive help, and on the other side
I felt  it  turned into an essential sickness I  fell in  being lost in  his
world.

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                 . The
things I miss. I only said I  love. You said we were so  beautiful. We would
seat for hours in caf with nice coffee and gaze at the rain outside.
     Once I enjoyed him watching me in the mirror.
     Looking at my breast  sleeping. Touching my breath losing. Living in my
arms charming. I was his royal subject. He was my rouge-et-noir.
     Do  Not Fall Apart In  My  Art Ride A Day  And Night Drive  Through And
Never Lose My Door

       ... ..    ....    .... 
!!!!!   ... Oh, my God!    .

     All the same.  The same  shit and  shite  whores  of both sexes. Taking
one's time  means losing  yours and  losing years hidden in  the  minutes of
fascination.  Stop inanity and feel  what you are, WHAT YOU ARE.  It  is  so
simple, simpler than being.
     Greetings, everyone... I am obliged to all of you listening to me. I do
appreciate your kindness and attention but will you give me a chance to fuck
your  brains?.. I do not feel pleasure  touching anyone's  body  having  the
physical  intercourse...  Nothing  is  better  than  getting  into  a  brain
penetrating through.

     I obviously turned into him. Did he take my heart I wonder?

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     Champaign and sex. Roden said it and disappeared in his own thought. He
also said  one day: stop inanity... and  what happened  then... Did he  find
something out of everything?
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      IV.
     Insanity

                   
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      ...

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     Do not eat me... These lips may  become my death. You are the piece  of
blood.  She's  never  had  what  she  pretended  to  have. Was  it  a  great
disappointment?..

           -...      ...    
     .       
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.  (        ).     
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,           ).   
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,        .

      ...

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,      .

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,     .

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   .

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            ,    .    
.          .  
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               ,  
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  ,   ,    .   
 ,        
          ,    
       .

     , 2001 . -- , 2002 .,
     

Last-modified: Fri, 18 Jul 2003 04:19:13 GMT
: