be  starting back, " he
adds,  'Billie be coming home from work soon  now" -- "Ah Ben, Ah Sunflower"
-- "Ah  shit" he says -- "It's  strange" -- "Who  said it wasn't" -- "I dont
understand it" -- 'Dont worry about it" -- "Hmm holy room, sad room, life is
a  sad room"  -- "All sentient  beings  realize that, "  he  says sternly --
Benjamin my  real Zen Master  even  more than  all  our Georges and  Arthurs
actually
     -- "Ben  I think I'm  going crazy" --  "You said that to me in 1955" --
"Yeh but  my brain's gettin  soft from drinkin  and  drinkin and drinkin" --
"What you  need  is  a cup of tea I'd  say if I didn't know that  you're too
crazy to know how really  crazy you are" --  "But why? what's going on? " --
"Did you come three thousand  miles to  find out? " -- "Three thousand miles
from where, after all? from whiney old me" -- "That's alright, everything is
possible,  even  Nietzsche  knew  that"  --  "Aint  nothin  wrong  with  old
Nietzsche" -- " "Xcept he went mad too" -- "Do you think I'm going mad? " --
"Ho  ho ho" (hearty  laugh)  -- 'What's  that mean,  laughing  at  me?  " --
"Nobody's laughing at you, dont get  excited" -- "What'll we  do now?  "  --
"Let's go  visit the museum  over there" -- There's a  museum  of some  sort
across the grass of the park so I get up wobbly and walk with old Ben across
the sad grass,  at one point I put my arm over  his shoulder and lean on him
-- "Are you a ghoul? " I ask -- 'Sure, why not? " -- "I like ghouls that let
me sleep? " -- "Duluoz it's  good for you  to drink in  a  way "cause you're
awful stingy with yourself when you're sober" -- "You sound  like Julien" --
"I never met Julien but I understand Billie looks like him, you  kept saying
that before you went to sleep" -- "What happened while  I was asleep? " "Oh,
people went by  and came back and forth  and  the sun sank and finally  sank
down  and's gone  now almost as you can see, what you want, just name it you
got it" -- "Well I want sweet salvation" -- "What's sposed to be sweet about
salvation? maybe it's sour" -- "It's sour in my  mouth" -- 'Maybe your mouth
is too big, or  too small, salvation  is  for  little  kitties but  only for
awhile" -- "Did you see any little kitties today? " -- "Shore,  hundreds  of
came  to visit  you while you were sleeping" -- "Really? "  -- "Sure, didn't
you know you were saved? " -- "Now come on! " --  "One of them  was real big
and  roared  like a lion but he had a big wet snout  and kissed you and  you
said "Ah""  -- "What's this museum  up  here?  "  -- "Let's  go in and  find
out'... That's the way Ben is, he  doesnt know what's going on either but at
least he waits to find  out maybe -- But  the museum  is closed  -- We stand
there on the steps looking at the closed door -- "Hey,  " I say, "the temple
is closed. "  So  suddenly in  red sundown me and Ben Fagan  arm in  arm are
walking slowly sadly back down the broad steps like two monks going down the
esplanade  of Kyoto  (as  I imagine  Kyoto somehow)  and we're both  smiling
happily suddenly
     -- I feel good because I've had my sleep but mainly I feel good because
somehow old Ben (my age) has blessed me by sitting over my sleep all day and
now with these few silly  words -- Arm in  arm we  slowly descend  the steps
without a word -- it's been the only peaceful day I've had in California, in
fact, except alone in the woods, which I  tell him and says "Well, who  said
you werent alone now? " making me realize the ghostliness of existence tho I
feel his big  bulging body with my  hands and say:  "You  sure some pathetic
ghost with all that ephemeral heavy crock  a flesh" -- "I didn't say nottin"
he laughs -- "Whatever  I say Ben, dont mind it, I'm  just a  fool"  -- "You
said  in 1957 in the grass drunk on whiskey you were the greatest thinker in
the world"  -- "That was before I fell asleep and woke up: now I realize I'm
no good at  all and that makes me feel free" -- "You're not  even free being
no good,  you better stop thinking, that's all'... "I'm glad  you visited me
today. I  think I might  have died'... "It's all your fault'... "What are we
gonna do with our  lives?  "  -- "Oh, " he  says, "I dunno, just  watch em I
guess" -- "Do you hate me?... well, do you like me?... well, how are things?
"  -- "The hicks are alright" --  "Anybody hex ya lately...? "... "Yeh, with
cardboard games?  " --  "Cardboard games?  " I ask... "Well  you  know, they
build  cardboard houses and put people in them  and the people are cardboard
and  the magician makes the dead  body twitch and they bring  water  to  the
moon, and the moon has a strange ear, and all that, so I'm  alright, Goof. "
'Okay. "


        31

     So there  I  am as it starts to get dark  standing with one hand on the
window curtain looking down on the street as Ben Fagan walks away to get the
bus on the  corner, his big baggy corduroy pants  and  simple blue  Goodwill
workshirt, going  home  to the bubble bath and  a  famous  poem,  not really
worried  or at  least not worried  about what  I'm worried  about tho he too
carries  that  anguishing guilt  I  guess  and  hopeless  remorse  that  the
potboiler of  time hasnt made his early primordial  dawns over the  pines of
Oregon come true  -- I'm clutching  at  the  drapes of the  window  like the
Phantom of the Opera behind the masque, waiting  for Billie to come home and
remembering how I used to stand by the windows like this in my childhood and
look  out on dusky  streets and think how  awful  I  was in this development
everybody said was  supposed to be "my life" and  "their  lives'. -- Not  so
much that I'm a drunkard that I feel guilty about but that others who occupy
this  plane of "life  on earth" with me don't feel guilty at all  -- Crooked
judges shaving  and  smiling  in  the morning on  the  way  to their heinous
indifferences, respectable generals ordering soldiers by telephone to go die
or drop dead, pickpockets nodding  in cells saying "I  never hurt anybody, "
"that's one  thing you can say for me, yes sir', Women who regard themselves
saviors  of  men simply stealing  their  substance  because they think their
swan-rich necks deserve it anyway (though for every swan-rich neck  you lose
there's another ten waiting, each  one ready to lay for  a  lemon), in  fact
awful hugefaced monsters of men just because their shirts are clean deigning
to control the lives of working men by running for Governor saying "Your tax
money in my hands will be  aptly used, " "You should  realize how valuable I
am and how much you need me, without me what would you be, not led at all? "
-- Forward to the big designed mankind  cartoon of a man standing facing the
rising sun with strong  shoulders with a  plough at  his feet,  the necktied
governor is going to make hay while the sun rises -- ? -- I feel guilty  for
being a member of the  human race -- Drunkard yes and one of the worst fools
on earth -- In fact not even a genuine drunkard just a  fool -- But I  stand
there with  hand  on curtain looking  down for Billie, who's late, Ah  me, I
remember that frightening  thing Mila-repa  said which is  other  than those
reassuring words of  his I  remembered in the cabin of sweet loneness on Big
Sur:  "When the various experiences come to light in  meditation, do not  be
proud and  anxious  to  tell other people, else to Goddesses and Mothers you
will bring annoyance" and here I am a perfectly obvious fool American writer
doing  just  that not  only for a living (which I was always  able  to glean
anyway from railroad and ship and lifting boards and sacks with humble hand)
but  because if I  don't write what actually I see happening in this unhappy
globe  which  is rounded by the contours of  my deathskull I think I'll have
been sent on earth  by poor God  for nothing  -- Tho being a Phantom of  the
Opera why should that worry me? -- In my youth leaning my brow hopelessly on
the typewriter bar, wondering why God ever was anyway? --  Or  biting my lip
in brown glooms in the parlor chair in which my father's  died and we've all
died a million deaths
     --  Only Fagan  can  understand  and now  he's got his bus --  And when
Billie comes home  with Elliott I  smile  and sit  down in the chair and  it
utterly collapses under me, blang, I'm sprawled on the  floor with surprise,
the  chair has gone. 'How'd that happen?  " wonders Billie and at  the  same
time we  both look at  the fishbowl  and both the goldfishes  are upsidedown
floating dead on the surface of the water.
     I've been  sitting in that chair by that fishbowl for a  week  drinking
and smoking and talking and now the goldfish are dead.
     "What killed them? " "I don't know" -- "Did I kill them because  I gave
them some  Kelloggs  corn flakes? " -- "Mebbe,  you're not supposed to  give
them anything but their fish food" --  "But I thought they were  hungry so I
gave  them a few flicks of corn  flakes" -- "Well I dont  know  what  killed
them'... "But why dont anybody know?  what happened?  why  do they  do this?
otters and  mouses and every damn thing dyin on  all sides  Billie,  I  cant
stand  it, it's all my goddam  fault every time! " -- "Who said it  was your
fault dear? "... "Dear? you call me dear? why do you call me dear? "... "Ah,
let me  love  you"  (kissing me),  "just because  you  dont  deserve it"  --
(Chastised): "Why dont I deserve it" -- "Because you say so... "
     -- "But what about the fish'... "I dont know, really" -- "Is it because
I've been sitting in  that  crumbling chair  all week blowing smoke on their
water? and all the others smoking and all the  talk? " -- But the little kid
Elliott  comes  crawling up  his mommy's  lap  and  starts asking questions:
"Billie, " he  calls her, "Billie, Billie, Billie,  " feeling her  face, I'm
almost going mad from  the sadness of it all -- "What did you  do all day? "
-- "I was with Ben Fagan and slept in the park...  Billie what are  we gonna
do? " -- "Anytime you say like you said, we'll get married and fly to Mexico
with Perry and Elliott'...  'I'm afraid of  Perry and I'm afraid of Elliott"
-- "He's  only  a  little boy" --  "Billie I  dont  wanta  get married.  I'm
afraid... " -- 'Afraid? " -- "I wanta go home and die with my cat. " I could
be  a handsome  thin young  president  in  a suit sitting in an oldfashioned
rocking chair, no  instead I'm  just the Phantom of the  Opera standing by a
drape among  dead  fish and broken chairs -- Can it be that no one cares who
made  me  or why?... "Jack what's  the matter, what are you talking about? "
but suddenly as she's making supper and poor little Elliott is waiting there
with spoon upended in fist  I realize it's  just a  little family home scene
and I'm  just a nut in the wrong place  -- And in  fact Billie starts saying
"Jack we  should be married  and  have quiet suppers like this with Elliott,
something would sanctify  you  forever  I'm  positive. "  'What have  I done
wrong? " --  "What you've done wrong is withhold your love from a woman like
me  and from previous women and  future women like me -- can you imagine all
the  fun we'd have being married, putting Elliott to bed, going out to  hear
jazz  or even taking planes to Paris suddenly and all the things  I have  to
teach you and you teach me  -- instead all you've been doing is wasting life
really sitting around sad wondering where to  go and all the time it's right
there for you to  take"  "Supposin  I dont want it" --  "That's  part of the
picture where  you say  you dont want it, of course you  want... " -- "But I
dont,  I'm  a creepy  strange  guy you dont even  know"  -- ('Cweepy? what's
cweepy? Billie?  what's cweepy? "  is  asking poor  little  Elliott)...  And
meanwhile  Perry comes in for a minute and I pointblank say to him 'I  don't
understand you Perry, 1 love  you, dig you, you're wild, but what's all this
business where you wanta kidnap little  girls? " but suddenly as  I'm asking
that I see tears in his eyes and I realize he's  in love with Billie and has
always  been, wow I even say  it, "You're  in love with  Billie aint ya? I'm
sorry,  I'm cuttin out" -- "What are you talkin about man?  " -- It's a  big
argument then about  how he and  Billie are just friends so  1 start singing
Just Friends like  Sinatra "Two friends but not like before" but goodhearted
Perry  seeing me sing runs  downstairs to get  another  bottle for me -- But
nevertheless the fish are dead and the chair is broken.
     Perry in fact is a tragic young man with enormous potentials who's just
let himself swing  and float to  hell I guess, unless something else happens
to him soon, I look at him and realize that besides  loving Billie  secretly
and  truly  he  must also  love old Cody as much  as  I do and all the world
bettern  I do yet he is the  character who is always  being put  away behind
bars for this -- Rugged, covered with woe, he sits there with his black hair
always over his brow, over  his black eyes, his iron arms hanging helplessly
like  the arms of a powerful idiot in  the  madhouse,  with  the  beauty  of
lostness pasted all over him -- Who is he? in fact? -- And why doesnt blonde
Billie washing the homey  dishes there acknowledge his love? -- In  fact  me
and  Perry end  up  we're both sitting with hanging heads when Billie  comes
back in the livingroom and sees us like that, like two  repentant catatonics
in hell -- Some Negro comes  in and says if I  give him a few  dollars he'll
get some pot but as soon as I give him five dollars he suddenly says "Well I
aint gonna  get nothin" -- 'You got five dollars, go  out and get it"  -- "I
aint sure I can get any" -- I  dont like him at  all -- I suddenly realize I
can leap up  and throw him on the floor and take  the five dollars away from
him but I dont even care about the money but I am  mad about him  doing that
-- "Who is that guy? " -- I know that if I start fighting him he has a knife
and we'll  wreck Billie's livingroom too -- But suddenly another Negro comes
in and turns  out a sweet visit talking about jazz and brotherhood  and they
all  leave and me and Billie are alone to wonder some more. All the muscular
gum of sex is such a bore, but  Billie and I  have such a fantastic  sexball
anyway that's why we're  able to philosophize like that  and agree and laugh
together  in sweet nakedness "Oh baby we're together crazy, we could live in
an old log cabin in the hills and never say anything for years, it was meant
that we'd meet'... She's  saying all  kinds  of things as an  idea begins to
dawn on me:  'Say I  know Billie, let's leave the City and take Elliott with
us and go to Monsanto's  cabin in  the woods  for  a week or  two and forget
everything" "Yes I can call up my boss right now and get a coupla weeks off,
Oh Jack let's  do it" -- "And it'll be good for  Elliott,  get away from all
these sinister friends of yours,  my  God" -- "Perry aint sinister. " 'We'll
get married and go away and have a lodge in the Adirondacks, at night by the
lamp we'll have simple suppers with Elliott" -- Til make love to you always"
"But you wont even  have to because we both realize we're bugs... our  lodge
will have  truth written all over it but tho the whole world  come smear  it
with big black paints of hate and lies we'll be falling dead drunk in truth"
"Have some coffee" -- "My  hands'll grow  numb  and I wont be able to handle
the axe  but still I'll be the truth  man...  I'll stand by the drape of the
window  night listening to  the babble of  all the  world and I'll tell  you
about it" "But Jack I love you and that's not the only reason why, don't you
see that we're meant for each other from the beginning, didn't you see  that
when  you came  in  with Cody and  started calling me  Julien for that silly
reason you told me about where  I look like  some old buddy  you know in New
York"  -- "Who hates Cody's guts  and  Cody hates him"  -- 'But dont you see
what a  waste it is? " -- "But what about Cody? you want me to marry you but
you love  Cody and in fact Perry loves you too? " -- "Sure but  what's wrong
with  that  or all that? there's perfect love between us  forever there's no
doubt about  it but we only have two bodies" -- (a strange  statement) --  I
stand by the  window  looking out on the glittering San Francisco night with
its magic cardboard houses saying  "And  you have Elliott who doesnt like me
and I dont  like myself  either, how about  that? " (Billie says nothing  to
this but only stores up an anger that comes out  later) -- 'But  we can call
Dave Wain and he'll  drive us  to Big Sur cabin and  we'll  be alone  in the
woods at least" -- "I'm telling you  that's what  I wanta do! " -- "Call him
now! " -- I tell her the number and she dials it like a secretary "O the sad
music  of  it  all, I've  done  it  all, seen  it all, done everything  with
everybody" I  say phone  in hand,  "the whole world's coming on  like a high
school sophomore eager to learn what he calls New things, mind you, the same
old  singsong sad  song truth of death... because the reason I yell death so
much is because I'm really yelling life, because you cant have death without
life,  hello Dave? there  you are?  know  what I'm callin you  about? listen
pal... take that big brunette Romana that Rumanian madwoman and pack her  in
Willie and come down to Billie's here and pick us up, we'll pack while you's
en  route, honey's on,  and  we'll all  go spend  two  weeks  of  bliss  in/
Monsanto's cabin" -- "Does Monsanto agree? "... "I'll call him right now and
ask him, he'll say sure'... "Well I  thought  I'd  be painting Romana's wall
tomorrow but maybe I'd a just got drunk doin that anyway:  sure you wanta do
all this now? " -- "Yes yeh yeh, come on... " "And I can bring Romana? "
     ... "Yes but why not? "...  "And what's the purpose of  all this?  "...
"Ah  Daddy, maybe just  to see  you again  and  we can talk  about  purposes
anywhere:  you wanta go on a  lecture  tour  to  Utah  university  and Brown
university and tell the well scrubbed  kids? " -- 'Scrubbed  with what? "...
"Scrubbed  with  hopeless perfection  of pioneer  puritan  hope  that leaves
nothing but dead pigeons to look at? " -- "Okay I'll be right out... first I
gotta get Willie's tank filled up and  an oil  change  too" -- 'I'll pay you
when you  get here" -- "I heard you  were eloping with Billie"  -- "Who told
you that? " -- "It  was  in the  paper  today'... "Well  we'll  start off by
getting  into Willie  again  and dont  bring Ron Blake,  we'll  be  just two
couples dig? " -- 'Yeh -- and lissen I'll bring my surf castin rod and catch
some fish down there'... "We'll have  a ball... and listen Dave I'm grateful
you're free and willing to  drive us down there, I'm down in the mouth, I've
been sitting here for a week drinking and the chair  broke and the fish died
and I'm all screwed up again" -- "Well  you shouldnt oughta drink that sweet
stuff all the  time and you never eat"  -- "But that's not the real trouble"
"Well we'll decide what the real trouble is" -- "That's right"  -- "Methinks
the real trouble is those  pigeons" -- "Why?  " "I dunno, remember  when  we
were  in  East  St  Louis  with George,  and  Jack you said you'd love those
beautiful dancing girls if you knew they would live  forever as beautiful as
they are? " "But that's  only a quote from  Buddha"  -- "Yeh, but  the girls
didn't expect all that" -- "How ya feeling Dave? what's Fagan doing tonight"
-- "Oh he's  sitting in his room writing something, calls it his G O O F B O
O K,  has big wild  drawings in it, and Lex  Pascal  is drunk again and  the
music is playing and I'm real  sad and I'm glad you called'... "You  like me
Dave?  " --  "I ain't got  nothin  else to do, kid" -- "But  you really have
somethin else to  do really? "  -- "Lissen never mind, I'll be up,  you call
Monsanto right away  tho because we also gotta get the corral gate keys from
him" --  "I'm  glad I know you Dave"  -- "Me too Jack" --  "Why? "  "Maybe I
wanted to stand on my head in  the snow to prove it  but I do, am glad, will
be glad, after all that's right there's  nothing else for us to do but solve
these damn problems and I've got one right here in my pants for Romana" "But
that's so sick and tired to call  life a problem that can be solved" -- "Yes
but  I'm just repeating  what I read in  the dead pigeon  textbooks" -- "But
Dave I love you" -- "Okay I'll be right over. "


        32

     We pack up little Eliott's pathetic  warmclothes and put  food together
and get the hamper  all set and wait  for Dave to come sadly in the night --
And  we have a big talk... "Billie but why did the fish die? " but she knows
already  they  probably  died  because I gave  them Kelloggs  cornflakes  or
something went wrong, one thing sure is  that  she didnt forget to feed them
or anything, it's  all me, all my  fault, I'd as  soon  be  rusted by autumn
too-much-think  than be  dead-fisher cause  of  those poor  little  hunks of
golden death floating on that scummy water -- It reminds me of  the otter --
But I cant explain it to Billie  who's  all abstract  and talking  about our
abstract soul-meetings in hell, and little Elliott is pulling  at her asking
"Where we going? where we going? what for? what for? " She's saying "And all
because you think you don't deserve to be loved because you think you caused
the  death  of  the  goldfish  tho  they  probably  just  died on their  own
accord'... "Why would they do that? why? what kind of logic is that for fish
to have? " -- "Or  because  you think you drink too much and therefore every
time you're  feeling  good on a little booze you give up and say your  hands
hang helpless, like you said last  night when you were holding me with those
hands blessing my heart and my body with your love, O Jack it's time for you
to wake up and  come with me or  at least come  with somebody and  open your
eyes to why God's put  you here, stop all that staring at the floor, you and
Perry  both you're  crazy -- I'll draw you  magic moon circles'll change all
your luck" -- I look her dead in the eye and it is blue and I say "O Billie,
forgive me"  -- "But you  see  you go there talkin  guilty again" -- "Well I
dont know all those big theories about how everything should be goddamit all
I  know is that I'm a helpless hunk of helpful horse manure  looking in your
eye saying Help  me" --  "But when  you make those  big  final statements it
doesnt help you" --  "Of course I know  that  but what do you want? " --  "I
want us to get  married and  settle  down to a  sensible understanding about
eternal things"  -- "And  you may be right" -- I see it all raving before me
the endless yakking  kitchen mouthings of life, the long dark grave of tomby
talks under midnight kitchen bulbs, in fact it fills me with love to realize
that life so avid and misunderstood nevertheless reaches out skinny skeleton
hand to  me and to Billie too -- But you know  what I  mean. And this is the
way it begins.


        33

     It sounds all so sad  but it was actually such a  gay night as Dave and
Romana came  over and there's all the business of  packing boxes and clothes
down to  the car, nipping out of bottles, getting  ready in fact to sing all
the way to Big Sur 'Home On the Range"  and "I'm Just a Lonsome Old Turd" by
Dave Wain  -- Me  sitting up  front next to Dave and Romana for some  reason
maybe because I wanted to identify with my old broken front rockingchair and
lean there  flapping and singing  but with  Romana  between  us  the seat is
pinned down and no longer flaps  -- Meanwhile Billie is on the back mattress
with sleeping child and off we go booming down Bay Shore to that other shore
whatever it will bring, the way people always  feel whenever they essay some
trip long or short  especially in the night... The eyes of hope looking over
the glare of  the hood into the maw  with its white line feeding in straight
as an arrow, the lighting  of fresh cigarettes, the buckling to lean forward
to the  next adventure  something that's been going on in America ever since
the covered wagons  clocked  the deserts  in  three  months  flat --  Billie
doesn't mind that I dont sit in back with her because she knows I wanta sing
and have a good time -- Romana and I hit up fantastic medleys of popular and
folk songs of all kinds and Dave contributes his New York Chicago blue light
nightclub romantic baritone specialities --  My wavering  Sinatra  is barely
heard in fact -- Beat on your knees and yell and sing Dixie and  Banjo On My
Knee,  get raucous and  moan out Red  River Valley, "Where's my harmonica, I
been meanin  to  buy  me a eight dollar harmonica for eight  years now. " It
always starts out good like that,  the  bad moments -- Nothing is  gained or
lost also by the fact that I insist we stop at Cody's en route so I can pick
up some clothes I left there but secretly I want Evelyn to finally come face
to  face  with  Billie -- It surprises  me more  however to see the  look of
absolute fright on Cody's face as we  pour into  his livingroom at  midnight
and I announce that Billie's in the jeep sleeping -- Evelyn is not perturbed
at all and in fact says to me privately in the kitchen "I guess it was bound
to happen sometime she'd come here and see it but I guess it was destined to
be you who'd bring her" "What's Cody so worried about? " -- "You're spoiling
all  his  chance to be real  secretive"  -- "He hasnt come and seen us for a
whole week, that's in a  way  what happened, he just left me stranded there:
I've been feeling awful, too"
     -- "Well if you want you can ask her to come in" "Well we're leaving in
a minute  anyway, you wanta  see  her  at least?  " "I dont care" -- Cody is
sitting in the livingroom absolutely rigid, stiff,  formal, with a big Irish
stone in his eye: I know he's  really mad at me  this time tho I dont really
know why I go out and there's Billie alone  in the car over sleeping Elliott
biting  her fingernail -- "You  wanta  come  in and  meet  Evelyn?  " --  "I
shouldnt, she  wont like  that,  is Cody there? " -- "Yah" --  So  Willamine
climbs out (I  remember  just  then  Evelyn  telling  me seriously that Cody
always calls his women by their full first names, Rosemarie, Joanna, Evelyn,
Willamine, he never  gives them silly nicknames nor uses them). The  meeting
is not eventful, of course, both girls keep their silence and hardly look at
each other so it's all me and Dave Wain carrying on with  the usual  boloney
and  I see  that  Cody is really  very  sick and tired of me  bringing gangs
arbitrarily to his place, running off with  his  mistress, getting drunk and
thrown  out of  family  plays,  hundred dollars or  no  hundred  dollars  he
probably feels I'm just a fool now anyway and hopelessly lost  forever but I
dont  realize  that myself because  I'm feeling good --  I want us to resume
down that  road  singing bawdier  and darker  songs till  we're  negotiating
narrow mountain roads at the pitch of the greatest songs.
     I try to ask Cody about Perry and all the other strange  characters who
visit Billie in the City but he just  looks at  me out of the corner eye and
says "Ah, yah, hm, "... I dont know  and I never will know what  he's up  to
anyway in  the long  run: I realize I'm just a silly  stranger  goofing with
other strangers  for  no reason far away from anything that ever mattered to
me  whatever that  was... Always an  ephemeral "visitor" to. the Coast never
really involved  with  anyone's lives there because I'm always  ready to fly
back across  the country but not  to any life of  my own  on  the other  end
either, just a traveling stranger like Old Bull Balloon, an  exemplar of the
loneliness of Doren Coit actually waiting for  the only real trip, to Venus,
to  the  mountain  of Mien  Mo --  Tho when I look out of Cody's  livingroom
window  just then  I do see my star still  shining for me as  it's  done all
these 38 years over crib, out ship windows, jail  windows, over sleepingbags
only now it's dummier and dimmer and getting blurreder damnit as tho even my
own star be now fading away from concern for me as I  from concern for it...
In  fact  we're  all  strangers with  strange  eyes  sitting in  a  midnight
livingroom  for nothing --  And small talk at that,  like Billie  saying  "I
always  wanted  a nice fireplace" and I'm yelling "Dont worry we  got one at
the cabin hey Dave? and all the wood's  chopped! " and Evelyn: -- 'What does
Monsanto think of you using his cabin all summer, weren't you supposed to go
there alone in secret? " -- "It's too late now! " I  sing swigging from  the
bottle  without which I'd only drop with shame  face flat on the floor or on
the gravel driveway -- And Dave and Romana look a  little uneasy  finally so
we all get up to go, zoom, and  that's  the last time I  see Cody or  Evelyn
anyway.
     And as  I say  our  songs grow mightier as  the road  grows  darker and
wilder, finally here we are on the canyon road the headlights  just reaching
out there around bleak sand shoulders -- Down to the  creek  where  I unlock
the corral gate -- Across the meadow  and back to the haunted cabin -- Where
on the strength of  that night's booze  and  getaway  gladness  Billie and I
actually have a  good time lighting fires and making  coffee and gong to  be
together in the one  sleepingbag  easy as pie after we've bundled up  little
Elliott and  Dave and Romana have  retired in  his  double nylon bag  by the
creek in the moonlight.
     No, it's the next day and night that concerns me.


        34

     The whole day begins  simply enough with me getting up feeling fair and
going down to the creek to slurp  up water in  my  palms and wash up, seeing
the languid waving of one large brown thigh over  the mass of Dave's  nylons
indicative of an early morning  love scene, in  fact Romana telling us later
at breakfast "When I woke up  this morning and saw all those trees and water
and  clouds I told Dave "It's a beautiful  universe  we  created"'... A real
Adam  and  Eve  waking  up,  in  fact this being one of Dave's gladdest days
because he'd really wanted  to get away from  the City again anyway and this
time with a pretty doll,  and's brought his surf casting gear planning a big
day -- And we've brought a  lot of good food -- The only trouble is  there's
no more wine so Dave  and Romana go off in Willie to get some more anyway at
a  store  thirteen miles  south  down  the highway -- Billie and I are alone
talking by the fire... I begin to feel extremely low as soon as last night's
alcohol wears off.
     Everything is trembly again, the trembling hand, I cant for a fact even
light the fire and Billie has to do it -- "I cant light a fire any more! " I
yell... "Well I can"  she says in a rare instance  when  she lets me have it
for being such a nut -- Little  Elliott is constantly  pulling at her asking
this and that, "What is that stick for, to put in the fire? why? how does it
burn? why does it burn? where are we? when  are we  leaving" and the pattern
develops where she  begins to talk to him instead of  me anyway because  I'm
just  sitting  there staring at the floor sighing -- Later when he takes his
nap  we go down the path to the beach, about noon, both of us sad and silent
-- "What's the  matter I  wonder" I say out  loud  --  She:  'Everything was
alright last night when we slept in the bag together now  you wont even hold
my hand...  goddamit I'm going to  kill myself! " -- Because  I've begun  to
realize in my soberness that  this thing has come too far, that I  dont love
Billie, that  I'm leading her  on,  that  I made a mistake dragging everyone
here, that I simply wanta go  home now, I'm just plumb  sick  and tired just
like Cody  I  guess  of the whole nervewracking  scene bad  enough as it  is
always pivoting back  to  this poor haunted canyon which  again gives me the
willies as we walk  under the bridge  and  come to those heartless  breakers
busting in on sand higher than earth  and  looking like the heartlessness of
wisdom -- Besides I suddenly  notice as if for the  first time the awful way
the leaves of the canyon that have managed  to be blown to the  surf are all
hesitantly advancing  in gusts of wind then finally plunging into  the surf,
to be dispersed and belted and melted and taken off to sea -- I turn  around
and notice  how the wind is just harrying them  off  trees and into the sea,
just  hurrying them as it were  to death -- In my condition  they look human
trembling to that brink -- Hastening, hastening  -- In  that awful huge roar
blast of autumn Sur wind.
     Boom, clap, the waves are  still talking but now I'm sick and  tired of
whatever  they ever said or ever will say -- Billie  wants me to stroll with
her down towards the caves but I dont want to get up from the sand where I'm
sitting back to boulder... She goes alone -- I suddenly remember James Joyce
and stare at  the  waves realizing "All summer you were sitting here writing
the so called sound of the waves  not realizing how  deadly serious our life
and doom is, you fool, you happy kid with a pencil, dont you realize  you've
been using words as a happy game -- all those marvelous skeptical things you
wrote about graves and sea death  it's ALL TRUE YOU FOOL! Joyce is dead! The
sea took him! it  will  take YOU! " and I  look  down the beach and  there's
Billie wading in the  treacherous undertow, she's  already  groaned  several
times earlier (seeing my indifference and also of course the hopelessness at
Cody's  and the hopelessness  of her  wrecked apartment  and wretched  life)
"Someday I'm going to commit suicide, " I suddenly wonder if she's going  to
horrify the heavens and  me too with a sudden suicide walk into  those awful
undertows... I see her sad blonde hair flying, the sad thin figure, alone by
the sea, the leaf-hastening sea, she  suddenly reminds me of  something... I
remember her musical sighs of death and I see the words clearly imprinted in
my mind over  her figure in the sand: -- ST CAROLYN BY  THE SEA -- "You were
my last, chance" she's said but dont all women say that?... But can it be by
"last  chance"  she  doesnt  mean  mere marriage  but  some  profoundly  sad
realization  of something in me  she really needs to go on living,  at least
that  impression coming across anyway on the  force  of all the gloom  we've
shared -- Can it be I'm  withholding from her something sacred just like she
says, or am  I just  a fool who'll  never learn to have a  decent  eternally
minded deepdown relation with a woman and keep throwing that away for a song
at a bottle? -- In which case my  own  life is over anyway and there are the
Joycean waves with their blank mouths saying "Yes that's so, " and there are
the leaves hurrying one by one down the  sand and dumping  in -- In fact the
creek is freighting hundreds more of them  a minute right  direct  from  the
back hills -- That big wind blasts and roars, it's all yellow sunny and blue
fury everywhere -- I see the rocks wobble as it seems God is  really getting
mad for such a  world  and's about to destroy it: big  cliffs wobbling in my
dumb eyes: God says "It's gone too far, you're all destroying everything one
way  or the other  wobble boom the end  is NOW. " 'The Second  Coming,  tick
lock, " I think shuddering -- St Carolyn by the Sea is going in further -- I
could run and go see her but she's so far away -- I realize that if that nut
is going to try this I'll have to make an awful run and swim to get her -- I
get up and edge over but just then she  turns around and starts back... "And
if 1 call her "that nut" in my  secret thoughts wonder what she  calls me? "
-- O hell, I'm sick of life -- If I  had  any guts I'd  drown myself in that
tiresome  water but that wouldnt be getting it over at all, I  can just  see
the big transformations and plans jellying down there to curse us up in some
other wretched suffering form eternities of  it --  I  guess that's what the
kid feels --  She looks so sad down there wandering Ophelialike in bare feet
among thunders.
     On top of that now here come the tourists, people from other  cabins in
the  canyon, it's the sunny season and they're  out  two three times a week,
what a dirty look I get from the elderly  lady who's apparently  heard about
the  "author" who was  secretly  invited to Mr Monsanto's  cabin but instead
brought  gangs  and  bottles and today worst of all trollopes -- (Because in
fact earlier that morning Dave and Romana have already made love on the sand
in broad daylight visible not only to  others  down  the beach but from that
high new cabin on the shoulder of the cliff) (tho hidden from sight from the
bridge by cliffwall) -- So it's all well known news now there's a ball going
on  in  Mr Monsanto's cabin and him not even here -- This elderly lady being
accompanied by children of all kinds -- So that when Billie returns from the
far end of the beach and starts back with me  down the path  (and  I'm silly
with  a big footlong wizard pipe in my  mouth trying to light it in the wind
to cover  up)  the lady gives her the once over real close  but Billie  only
smiles lightly like a little girl and chirps hello.
     I feel like  the  most disgraceful and nay disreputablewretch on earth,
in fact  my hair is blowing  in beastly streaks across my stupid and moronic
face, the hangover has now worked paranoia into me down to the last pitiable
detail.  Back  at the cabin I cant chop wood for fear I'll cut a foot off, I
cant sleep,  I cant  sit, I cant pace, I  keep going to  the creek to  drink
water till finally  I'm  going down there a  thousand times making Dave Wain
wonder as he's come back with more wine -- We sit  there slugging out of our
separate bottles, in my  paranoia I begin to wonder why  I get to drink just
the  one  bottle and he the  other -- But he's  gay "I am now going out surf
castin and catch us a grabbag of fish for a marvelous supper; Romana you get
the salad  ready and anything else you can think of; we'll leave  you  alpne
now" he adds to gloomy me and Billie thinking he's in our way, "and say, why
dont we go to Nepenthe and private our grief tonight and enjoy the moonlight
on the terrace with Manhattans, or go see Henry Miller? " -- "No! " I almost
yell, "I mean I'm so exhausted I dont  wanta do anything or  see anybody'...
(already  feeling  awful  guilt about  Henry Miller  anyway,  we've  made an
appointment with  him about  a  week  ago and instead  of showing up  at his
friend's house in Santa Cruz at  seven  we're  all drunk at ten calling long
distance  and poor Henry just said  "Well I'm sorry I dont  get to meet  you
Jack  but I'm an old man and  at ten o'clock  it's time for me to go to bed,
you'd never make it here till  after midnight  now') (his voice on the phone
just  like  on  his  records,  nasal,  Brooklyn,  goodguy   voice,  and  him
disappointed  in a way  because he's  gone  to the  trouble  of writing  the
preface to  one  of  my books)  (tho  I suddenly now think in  my remorseful
paranoias 'Ah the hell with it he was only gettin in the  act like all these
guys write prefaces so you dont  even get to read the author  first') (as an
example of how really psychotically suspicious and loco I was getting).
     Alone with Billie's even worse -- "I cant see anything to do now, " she
says  by the fire like  an ancient Salem housewife  ('Or Salem  witch? " I'm
leering)  -- "I  could  have  Elliott taken  care of in a private home or an
orphanage and just go to a  nunnery myself, there's a lot of them  around --
or  I  could kill  myself  and Elliott both"  --  "Dont talk  like that"  --
"There's  no other  way to talk when there's no more  directions to take" --
"You've got me all wrong I wouldnt be any good for you" -- "I know that now,
you want to be a hermit you say but you dont  do it much  I noticed,  you're
just tired of life and wanta sleep, in a way that's how I feel too only I've
got Elliott to worry about... I could take both our lives and solve that" --
'You, creepy talk" -- 'You told me the first night you loved me,  that I was
most interesting, that you hadn't met anyone you liked so much then you just
went on drinking, I really can see now what they say about  you is true: and
all the others like you: O I realize  you're a writer and suffer through too
much but you're really ratty sometimes... but even that I know you cant help
and I know you're not really ratty but  awfully broken up like you explained
to me, the reasons
     ... but  you're always groaning about how sick you are, you really dont
think  about others  enough  and I KNOW you cant  help it,  it's  a  curious
disease a lot of us have anyway only better hidden sometimes... but what you
said the first night and even just now about me being St Carolyn in the Sea,
why dont you follow through with what you