Ogden Nesh. Videt' - znachit verit' (SSHA) Ogden Nash SEEING EYE TO EYE IS BELIEVING Ironicheskie proizvedeniya dlya vzroslyh i detej "Obshchina" MOSKVA 1992 Perevod i sostav A.N. ZHukova A FRIEND IN NEED WILL BE AROUND IN FIVE MINUTES What are friends? Why, they are people for love of whom one goes out and eagerly borrows what one to them eagerly lends, Who in return assure one that if one were about to be eaten by an octopus they would dive fathoms deep to the rescue at the risk of contracting the bends, But who, if one faces any more prosaic emergency such as asking if they would mind one's bringing along an extra girl, one is making a mistake if one on them depends. They are people on whose entertainment one's entire income one hospitably and hebdomadally spends, And who at one's house eat birthright and at their house one eats pottage and other odds and ends, And for whose behavior one is to one's foes constantly making amends, Yes, that's what are friends. What then are foes? Why they are the least of anybody sensible's woes, Because if there is one thing that you might of anybody sensible suppose, It is that he wouldn't have anything to do with people who prove to be foes, Because obviously if one tarries blithely among one's proven foemen, Why whom has one to blame but oneself if one receives a poisoned barb in the small of the back or a poisoned comment on the large of the abdomen? Yes, friends are unavoidable and epidemic and therefore friend trouble is forgivable but I have no sympathy for him who circles Robin Hood's barn and exposes Himself to foeses. I maintain that foes are very nice people as long as a reason- ?able distance separates oneself and them, whereas a friend in need or in his cups can reach you across mountains of glass and lakes of fire, with which re?mark I shall now close, Simply pausing to add that compared to a friend at the front door I find foes at a reasonable distance rather restful, and from now on I shall ever think of them as Comme Il Fauts. NASTOYASHCHIJ DRUG BUDET CHEREZ PYATX MINUT Itak, chto takoe nastoyashchij drug? I kakie blagodeyaniya opredelyayut druzhbu? Drug - eto tot, komu kazhdyj, ne koleblyas', otdaet vse to, chto samomu ne nuzhno. Kto v otvet nikogda ne skazhet ?net? i obeshchaet otvazhno, chto esli odnazhdy na vas napadut os'minogi, on, ne somnevayas', nyrnet hot' na pyat' yardov v glubinu s riskom zarabotat' kessonnuyu bolezn'. No kto, esli u vas est' kakaya-libo bolee prozaicheskaya potrebnost' v ego druzhbe, naprimer, zhelanie poznakomit'sya s podrugoj ego podruzhki, na vremya utrachivaet k vam vsyakij interes. Drug - eto tot, kto za vash schet razvlekaetsya tak, chto udivitel'no bystro istoshchaet vash ezhenedel'nyj dohod i druzheskoe raspolozhenie. Kto v vashem dome nabivaet svoj zhivot do golovokruzheniya, a u sebya doma dovol'stvuetsya pohlebkoj, v kotoroj predostatochno vody, no plavayut tol'ko plody ego golodnogo voobrazheniya, I kto svoim povedeniem vynuzhdaet vas prinosit' beschislennye izvineniya vragam, kotorye, kak narochno, tolpyatsya vokrug. Vot chto takoe nastoyashchij drug! A chto takoe vrag? |to, dostavlyayushchij svoim vragam men'she vsego nepriyatnostej, chudak. Potomu chto, kak vy ponimaete sami, Nikto ne zhelaet imet' nichego obshchego so svoimi vragami. A esli kto-to pytaetsya sojtis' s nimi blizhe i pri vstreche licemerno pokazyvaet, chto on im iskrenne rad, To na kogo, krome sebya, on dolzhen byt' obizhen, poluchaya na kazhdom shagu kolkosti v lico i kolyuchki v zad? Konechno, druz'ya neizbezhny, oni, kak bakterii, povsyudu i potomu zabota o nih prostitel'na, no ya ne zaviduyu tem, kto v nadezhde zatmit' Robin Guda, okruzhaet druzej zabotoj, a sami Bezzabotno obnazhayut sebya pered svoimi vragami. YA priderzhivayus' mneniya, chto vragi - eto vpolne prilichnye lyudi, poskol'ku oni derzhatsya na prilichnom rasstoyanii, nu a druz'ya, kogda oni nuzhdayutsya, probivayutsya k vam skvoz' ogon' i vodu, i potomu ya lichno Svoim druz'yam predpochitayu vragov, dazhe esli vragi nahodyatsya v perednej, a druz'ya - u cherta na kulichkah. THE JAPANESE How courteous is the Japanese; He always says, ?Excuse it, please." He climbs into his neighbour's garden, And smiles, and says, ?I beg your pardon"; He bows and grins a friendly grin, And calls his hungry family in; He grins, and bows a friendly bow; ?So sorry, this my garden now." YAPONEC Kak vezhliv ot prirody on! Vstrechaya vas, kladet poklon. A esli k vam zalezet v sad, On govorit: ?YA ochen' rad Zdes' videt' Vas, moj dorogoj!? Zatem so vsej svoej rodnej Prihodit v sad i, vstretiv vas, Poklon otvesit tyshchu raz I sprosit vezhlivo potom: ?CHto nuzhno Vam v sadu moem?? FRAILTY, THY NAME IS A MISNOMER Once there was a couple named Mr. and Mrs. Pepperloaf and they were simply devoted, Because each other was upon what they doted, And in Mrs. Pepperloaf's eyes Mr. Pepperloaf could never err, And he admitted only one flaw in her, But it was a flaw which took many virtues to assuage, Consisting in always asking him the date while she was reading the paper with the date clearly printed on every page, And whenever he called her attention to this least admirable of her trails She would retort that he didn't trust the paper's weather forecasts so then why should she trust its dates. For eleven years his patience held But finally he rebelled. It was on the evening of Friday the seventh that she looked up from her paper and asked him the date, And he replied firmly that she would find it at the top of the page so she looked at the top of the page and that was that, and presently they sat down to supper and ate, And they were miserable because they had never disagreed and this contretemps was a beginner for them, And at nine his employer's wife called up to ask where were they, she and eleven guests were waiting dinner for them, And Mr. Pepperloaf asked Mrs. Pepperloaf how she could have so misreckoned, And she said she knew that they had been invited out on the seventh but, according to the newspaper he had instructed her to consult, tonight was only the second, And he picked up the paper and it was last week's, not today's, And she said certainly, she had just been reading over some recipes for different delicious souffles, And now she found the first flaw in him because she had obeyed his order to look for the date in the paper, hadn't she, so his irritation was uncalled for and unseasonable. Women would rather be right than reasonable. MORALXNAYA NEUSTOJCHIVOSTX, IMYA TVOE - OGOVORKA Odnazhdy zhili na svete mister i missis Pepperlouf, kotorye s minuty venchaniya sostavlyali dve nerazdelimye poloviny. Oni drug v druge dushi ne chayali, inymi slovami - dlya kazhdogo iz nih na drugom svet soshelsya klinom. V glazah missis Pepperlouf mister Pepperlouf v zhizni ne delal oshibok, ibo v ee glazah on nikogda ih sdelat' ne mog. A on vremya ot vremeni nahodil v nej odin-edinstvennyj porok. Zato etot porok lish' cenoyu mnogih dobrodetelej mog by iskupit'sya. A sostoyal on v tom, chto ona vsegda sprashivala ego, kakoe segodnya chislo, chitaya gazetu, v kotoroj chernym po belomu segodnyashnee chislo bylo napechatano na kazhdoj stranice. I kogda on pytalsya obratit' na etu, naimenee voshititel'nuyu, chertu ee haraktera vnimanie, Ona sprashivala, pochemu, esli on sam ne verit gazetnym prognozam pogody, ee nedoverie k gazetnym datam ne dohodit do ego ponimaniya? Odinnadcat' let on byl razumen i terpeliv. No v konce koncov ego terpenie lopnulo, kak naryv. |to sluchilos' sed'mogo vecherom, v pyatnicu, kogda otorvavshis' ot gazety, ona sprosila ego, kakoe segodnya chislo. I on tverdo otvetil, chto ej sleduet spravit'sya ob etom v gazete, i ona snova zaglyanula v gazetu, szhavshis', kak ot udara, ot ego soveta, vyskazannogo tak holodno i zlo. Zatem oni seli, uzhinat', chuvstvuya sebya otvratitel'no, ibo do etogo mezh nimi bylo polnoe soglasie, a sluchivshayasya razmolvka mogla byt' tem nachalom, za kotorym sleduyut drugie bedy. No v devyat' chasov pozvonila zhena ego sosluzhivca i udivlenno sprosila, pochemu oni do sih por doma? Ona i odinnadcat' ee gostej davnym-davno zhdut ih k obedu. I mister Pepperlouf sprosil missis Pepperlouf, kak eto ona mogla tak osramit'sya? I ona otvetila: ona prekrasno pomnit, chto oni priglasheny na obed sed'mogo vecherom, no segodnya eshche tol'ko vtoroe, soglasno gazete, k kotoroj on sam ej posovetoval obratit'sya. I on vzyal gazetu, kotoruyu ona chitala, i uvidel, chto eto byla staraya gazeta. I ona ob®yasnila, chto interesovalas' nekotorymi napechatannymi v etoj gazete receptami sufle. CHto on mog skazat' ej v otvet na eto? I togda, nakonec, ona otkryla v nem pervyj porok, ibo po ego sovetu zaglyanula v staruyu gazetu, i znachit, ssora sluchilas' po ego vine. Iz chego sleduet, chto, hotya zhenshchiny redko vedut sebya razumno, pravda pochemu-to dovol'no chasto byvaet na ih storone. BETWEEN BIRTHDAYS My birthdays take so long to start. They come along a year apart. It's worse than waiting for a bus; I fear I used to fret and fuss, But now, when by impatience vexed Between one birthday and the next, I think of all that I have seen That keeps on happening in between. The songs I've heard, the things I've done, Make my un-birthdays not so un- MEZHDU DNYAMI ROZHDENIYA Ax, kak on medlenno idet, Moj den' rozhden'ya! Celyj god YA zhdu ego, kak zhdut avtobus. I grustno mne. I snizhen tonus. No vspomnil nynche ya s nadezhdoj Te pesni, chto zvuchali mezhdu, I vspomnil bez predubezhden'ya Vse luchshee v ne-dni rozhden'ya. I, pravo, pokazalis' mne Oni uzh ne takimi ne- AND THREE HUNDRED AND SIXTY-SIX IN LEAP YEAR Some people shave before bathing, And about people who bathe before shaving they are scathing, While those who bathe before shaving, Well, they imply that those who shave before bathing are misbehaving. Suppose you shave before bathing, well the advantage is that you don't have to make a special job of washing the lather off afterwards, it just floats off with the rest of your accumulations in the tub, But the disadvantage is that before bathing your skin is hard and dry and your beard confronts the razor like a grizzly bear defending its cub. Well then, suppose you bathe before shaving, well the advantage is that after bathing your skin is soft and moist, and your beard positively begs for the blade, But the disadvantage is that to get the lather off you have to wash your face all over again at the basin almost immediately after washing it in the tub, which is a duplication of effort that leaves me spotless but dis-mayed. The referee reports, gentlemen, that Fate has loaded the dice, Since your only choice is between walking around all day with a sore chin or washing your face twice, So I will now go and get a shave from a smug man in a crisp white coat, And I will disrupt his smugness by asking him about his private life, does he bathe before shaving or shave be- fore bathing, and then I will die either of laughing or of a clean cut throat. A V VISOKOSNOM GODU 366 RAZ! Odni lyudi breyutsya, pered tem kak prinimayut vannu, Oni schitayut chto brit'sya posle vanny po men'shej mere stranno. Drugie prinimayut vannu pered tem kak pobrit'sya. I oni schitayut, chto sadit'sya v vannu posle brit'ya nikuda ne goditsya. Dopustim, vy breetes' pered vannoj, i togda u vas est' preimushchestvo: ne nuzhno special'no smyvat' s lica penu, ibo ona smyvaetsya sama, pokryvaya vodu gryazno-seroj plenkoj. No est' i nedostatok: vasha kozha pered vannoj takaya zhestkaya i suhaya, chto shchetina srazhaetsya s britvoj, kak medvedica grizli, zashchishchaya svoego medvezhonka. Dopustim teper', chto vy prinimaete vannu do brit'ya, i togda preimushchestvo v tom, chto posle vanny kozha stanovitsya myagkoj i vlazhnoj i boroda sama naprashivaetsya na lezvie. No togda est' drugoj nedostatok: chtoby smyt' myl'nuyu penu s lica, vam neobhodimo umyvat'sya srazu zhe posle myt'ya v vanne, to est' delat' odno i to zhe dvazhdy, vmesto togo, chtoby sovershit' chto-nibud' poleznoe. Sud'ba - eto igra v kosti, kak odin znakomyj krup'e vyrazilsya odnazhdy. I u kazhdogo iz nas - edinstvennyj vybor: hodit' ves' den' s obodrannym podborodkom ili myt' lico dvazhdy. I potomu segodnya ya idu brit'sya k shchegolyu v hrustyashchem belom halate i nachisto sotru s ego lica samodovol'noe vyrazhenie odnim - edinstvennym voprosom (predstavlyayu, kakaya budet poteha!) Breetsya li on do vanny ili prinimaet vannu pered tem kak breetsya, posle chego ya neminuemo pogibnu, esli ne ot britvy to ot smeha. SEEING EYE TO EYE IS BELIEVING When speaking of people and their beliefs I wear my belief on my sleeve; I believe that people believe what they believe they believe. When people reject a truth or an untruth it is not because it is a truth or an untruth that they reject it, No, if it isn't in accord with their beliefs in the first place they simply say, ?Nothing doing", and refuse to inspect it. Likewise when they embrace a truth or an untruth it is not for either its truth or its mendacity, But simply because they have believed it all along and therefore regard the embrace as a tribute to their own fair-mindedness and sagacity. There are enlightened days in which you can get hot water and cold water out of the same spigot, And everybody has something about which they are proud to be broad-minded but they also have other things about which you would be wasting your breath if you tried to convince them that they were a bigot, And I have no desire to get ugly, But I cannot help mentioning that the door of a bigoted mind opens outwards so that the only result of the pressure of facts upon it is to close it more snugly. Naturally I am not pointing a finger at me, But I must admit that I find Mr. Ickes or any other speaker far more convincing when I agree with him than when I disagree. VIDETX ZNACHIT VERITX Kogda govoryat o lyudyah i ob ih ubezhdeniyah, u menya vsegda nagotove sobstvennoe mnenie. YA veryu chto lyudi veryat, chto oni veryat bez predubezhdeniya. Oni otricayut pravdu ili nepravdu ne iz-za togo, chto eto pravda ili nepravda, no, okazyvaetsya, |to proishodit potomu, chto, kogda chto-to ne sootvetstvuet ih ubezhdeniyam, oni srazu zhe zayavlyayut: "Nichego podobnogo!" - i vyslushivat' dal'nejshie raz®yasneniya otkazyvayutsya. Tochno takzhe oni vsem serdcem prinimayut pravdu ili nepravdu vovse ne potomu, chto eto istina ili lozh' v dejstvitel'nosti. A potomu, chto s samogo nachala oni imenno tak i schitali i, takim obrazom, eto chuzhoe mnenie sluzhit lishnim podtverzhdeniem ih sobstvennoj soobrazitel'nosti. I eto mig vzaimoponimaniya, kogda po odnoj i toj zhe vodoprovodnoj trube mozhet bezhat' potok i holodnoj vody i goryachej, Kogda kazhdyj mozhet gordit'sya, chto po mnogim voprosam on terpim ko mneniyu drugih, hotya u kazhdogo, nesomnenno, ostayutsya takie ubezhdeniya, v kotoryh on nepokolebim, i vy gorazdo ran'she vydohnetes', chem zastavite ego dumat' inache. U menya net ni malejshego zhelaniya zadirat'sya, No ya ne mogu ostavit' mysli, chto dveri fanaticheskogo razuma otkryvayutsya tol'ko naruzhu i pod davleniem vneshnih faktov mogut tol'ko eshche plotnee zakryvat'sya. Net, ya imeyu v vidu ne sebya, hotya priznayus', chto smysl izrechenij mistera Iksa ili lyubogo drugogo oratora mne gorazdo bolee yasen, Kogda ya razdelyayu s nim svoe mnenie, chem togda, kogda ya s nim ne soglasen. JACK DO-GOOD-FOR-NOTHING (A cursory nursery tale for lot-bailers) Once there was a kindhearted lad named Jack Do-Good-for-Nothing, the only son of a poor widow whom creditors did importune, So he set out in the world to make his fortune. His mother's blessing and a crust of bread was his only stake, And pretty soon he saw a frog that about to be devoured by a snake. And he rescued the frog and drove the snake away, And the frog vowed gratitude to its dying day, And a little later on in his walk, Why, he saw a little red hen about to be carried off by a hawk, And he rescued the little red hen and drove the hawk away, And the little red hen vowed that whenever he was in trouble his kindness she would repay, And he walked a few more country blocks, And he saw a bunny rabbit about to be gobbled up by a fox, And he rescued the bunny rabbit before the fox could fall on it, And the bunny rabbit thanked Jack and told him any time he needed help, just to call on it, And after all this rescuing, Jack was huffing and puffing, And a little farther on the snake and the hawk and the fox jumped him, and out of him they beat the stuffing; They even stole his crust of bread and each ate a third of it, And the frog and the little red hen and the bunny rabbit said they were very sorry when they heard of it. You see, Jack against a cardinal rule of conduct had been a transgressor: Never befriend the oppressed unless you are prepared to take on the oppressor. DZHEK-DOBRYAK-ZA PROSTO TAK (Skazochka dlya iskatelej priklyuchenij) ZHil da byl na svete chudak po prozvishchu Dzhek-Dobryak-Za Prosto Tak, edinstvennyj syn bednyazhki vdovy, kotoruyu kreditory rvali na chasti, I vot odnazhdy on shagnul za porog rodnogo doma, chtoby najti svoe schast'e. Vse, chto Dzhek prihvatil s soboj, byla krayuha hleba, da materinskoe blagoslovenie. I vskore on povstrechal lyagushonka, kotoryj sidel pered zmeej, ne v silah stryahnut' s sebya predsmertnoe ocepenenie. I Dzhek prognal zmeyu, besstrashno srazivshis' s nej, A lyagushonok poklyalsya ne zabyvat' o ego blagorodstve do konca svoih dnej. I dal'she po svetu Dzhek pobrel I vdrug uvidal, kak malen'kogo cyplenka sobiraetsya scapat' bol'shoj orel. I on osvobodil malen'kogo cyplenka i prognal orla proch', A malen'kij cyplenok poobeshchal, chto v kakuyu by Dzhek bedu ni popal, tot vsegda smozhet emu pomoch'. I dal'she poshel Dzhek tvorit' chudesa I povstrechal krohotnogo krolika, kotorogo gotovilas' slopat' lisa. I on prognal lisu, izdav uzhasayushchij krik. A kroshka-krolik zaveril Dzheka, chto, kogda tot budet nuzhdat'sya v pomoshchi, on yavitsya k nemu v tot zhe mig. Posle vseh etih rycarskih deyanij Dzhek shestvoval po zemle s vazhnym vidom, predvkushaya pobedu ocherednuyu, Poka zmeya, orel i lisa, zataivshie obidu, ne nabrosilis' na nego vse razom i ne sdelali iz Dzheka horoshuyu otbivnuyu. K tomu zhe oni otnyali u nego krayuhu hleba i tut zhe slopali kazhdyj tret'yu chast' ee. A lyagushonok, malen'kij cyplenok i kroshka-krolik, konechno zhe, prinyali v ego bede serdechnoe uchastie. I vse eto sluchilos' potomu, chto Dzhek prenebreg vazhnejshim pravilom vo vzaimootnosheniyah bezzashchitnogo i agressivnogo: Nikogda ne podderzhivaj slabogo, esli ne uveren v tom, chto mozhesh' operet'sya na sil'nogo. THE MERMAID Say not the mermaid is a myth, I knew one once named Mrs. Smith. She stood while playing cards or knitting: Mermaids are not equipped for sitting. RUSALKA Kto govorit, rusalok ne byvalo?! A missis Smit? Ta, chto vsegda stoyala. Ona by s udovol'stviem prisela, Da ne imela vazhnoj chasti tela. THE PURIST I give you now Professor Twist, A conscientious scientist. Trustees exclaimed, ?He never bungles! And sent him off to distant jungles. Camped on a tropic riverside, One day he missed his loving bride. She had, the guide informed him later, Been eaten by an alligator. Professor Twist could not but smile. "You, mean," he said, ?a crocodile." PURIST Bol'shoj uchenyj mister Tvist, V opredeleniyah - purist, Nauke predannyj do zhuti, Byl poslan dlya otkrytij v dzhungli. Odnako, po doroge k mestu On poteryal svoyu nevestu. I provodnik emu povedal, CHto eyu sytno poobedal Odin bolotnyj alligator. Tvist zaglyanul v klassifikator i, ulybayas', utochnil: "Kak Vy skazali? - Krokodil?" ***** Einstein received a questionnaire In which they asked him to declare Whether he thought we might be forced Into atomic holocaust. So, putting down his violin The old man neatly pencilled in The middle of the form they sent. (Yes. Not, I trust, by accident). Sprosili kak-to u |jnshtejna, Ne to vser'ez, ne to shutejno, Vozmozhno li, chtob mirnyj atom Ves' mir vdrug rasshchepil kogda-to? On otlozhil v storonku skripku, V zatylke pochesal s ulybkoj. Otvet byl prost neobychajno: "Da... Net... Nu, razve chto - sluchajno!..." THE LION Oh, weep for Mr and Mrs Bryan! He was eaten by a lion; Following which, the lion's lioness Up and swallowed Bryan's Bryaness. LEV Neschastnye suprugi Grev! Snachala muzha skushal Lev. Potom reshila L'vova L'vica Ego zhenoyu pozhivit'sya. DR. FELL AND POINTS WEST Your train leaves at eleven-forty-five and it is now but eleven-thirty-nine and a half, And there is only one man ahead of you at the ticket window so you have plenty of time, haven't you, well I hope you enjoy a hearty laugh, Because he is Dr. Fell, and he is engaged in an intricate maneuver, He wants to go to Sioux City with stopovers at Plymouth Rock, Stone Mountain, Yellowstone Park, Lake Louise and Vancouver, And he would like some information about an alternate route, One that would include New Orleans and Detroit, with possibly a day or two in Minneapolis and Butte, And when the agent has compiled the data with the aid of a slug of aromatic spirits and a moist bandanna, He says that settles it, he'll spend his vacation canoeing up and down the Susquehanna, And oh yes, which way is the bus terminal and what's playing at the Rivoli, And how do the railroads expect to stay in business when their employees are incapable of answering a simple question accurately or civilly? He then demands and receives change for twenty dollars and saunters off leaving everybody's jaw with a sag on it, And when you finally get to buy your ticket not only has your train gone but you also discover that your porter has efficiently managed to get your bag on it. DOKTOR F|LL I STANCII ZAPADA Vash poezd othodit v odinnadcat' sorok pyat', a sejchas odinnadcat' tridcat' devyat', to est' bolee pyati minut v vashem rasporyazhenii. I poskol'ku v ocheredi za biletami vsego odin chelovek, vam kazhetsya, chto u vas dostatochno vremeni, no, uvy, skoro vy ubedites' chto eto ne tak, prostite za predpolozhenie. Potomu chto pered vami nikto inoj, kak doktor Fell, kotoryj vsegda prepodnosit okruzhayushchim syurprizy. I sejchas on vyyasnyaet, kak mozhno dobrat'sya do Sioksa, delaya ostanovki v Plimute, Kamennyh Gorah, Ielloustonskom parke, Vankuvere i na ozere Luizy. A krome togo, ego interesuet informaciya o dopolnitel'nom marshrute, Kotoryj prohodit cherez Novyj Orlean i Detrojt s vozmozhnymi ostanovkami na den' ili na dva v Minneapolise i B'yutte. I kogda kassir sobiraet vse eti dannye s pomoshch'yu holodnyh primochek i glotka spirtnogo, On zayavlyaet, chto razdumal i zhelaet provesti otpusk, katayas' na bajdarke vverh-vniz po Saskuehanne, i vse nachinaetsya snova. Ego interesuet i mestonahozhdenie avtovokzala, i dostoprimechatel'nosti Rivoli, I kakim obrazom, esli zheleznodorozhnye sluzhashchie ne mogut otvetit' tochno i vezhlivo na prostye voprosy, zheleznye dorogi eshche poluchayut pribyli? A zatem on trebuet razmenyat' i poluchaet meloch'yu dvadcat' dollarov, i, ostavlyaya vsyu ochered' s perekoshennymi chelyustyami, na vremya othodit, poka emu v golovu ne prihodit eshche kakaya-nibud' blazh'. I kogda, nakonec, vy priobretaete bilet, vash poezd ne tol'ko uzhe ushel, no, okazyvaetsya, ves'ma opytnyj nosil'shchik sumel pristroit' na nego ves' vash bagazh. THE HIPPOPOTAMUS Behold the hippopotamus! We laugh at how he looks to us, And yet in moments dank and grim I wonder how we look to him. Peace, peace, thou hippopotamus! We really look all right to us, As you no doubt delight the eye Of other hippopotami. BEGEMOT My usmehaemsya nad nim. On kazhetsya takim smeshnym! No do sih por ya ne pojmu, Kakim my kazhemsya emu? Hotya sosed moj lichno mne Normal'nym kazhetsya vpolne, No tak li myslit begemot, Razinuv na soseda rot? A BEGINNER'S GUIDE TO THE OCEAN Let us now consider the ocean. It is always in motion. It is generally understood to be the source of much of our rain, And ten thousand fleets are said to have swept over it in vain. When the poet requested it to break break break on its cold gray rocks it obligingly broke broke broke. Which as the poet was Alfred Lord Tennyson didn't surprise him at all but if it had been me I would probably have had a stroke. Some people call it the Atlantic and some the Pacific or the Antarctic or the Indian or the Mediterranean Sea, But I always say what difference does it make, some old geographer mumbling a few words of it, it will always be just the Ocean to me. There is an immortal dignity about something like the Atlantic, Which seems to drive unimmortal undignified human beings frustratedly frantic. Just give them one foot on the beach and people who were perfectly normal formerly, or whilom, Why, they are subject to whoops and capers that would get them blackballed from an asylum; Yet be they never so rampant and hollerant, The ocean is tolerant, Except a couple of times a day it gives up in disgust and goes off by itself and hides, And that, my dears, accounts for the tides. PUTEVODITELX PO OKEANU Okean eto vsegda dvizhenie Ne potomu li on volnuet voobrazhenie? |to istochnik dozhdej, carstvo tumana, i ne tol'ko eto, konechno. Tysyachi korablej borozdili prostory okeana, no skazat', chto oni ego otkryli, bylo by pospeshno. Kogda poet treboval, chtoby volny okeana bilis', bilis', bilis' o skaly, oni obyazatel'no sbivalis', sbivalis', sbivalis', ne obrashchaya vnimaniya na ego pros'by. I poskol'ku poetom byl Al'fred Lord Tennison, eto ego niskol'ko ne udivilo, no bud' ya na ego meste, takih udarov ya ne perenes by. Okean! Ego nazyvayut Tihim i Atlanticheskim, Indijskim i Antarkticheskim, i takoe obilie naimenovanij kazhetsya strannym, Ibo nezavisimo ot togo, chto o nem napisano v uchebnikah geografii, on byl i ostanetsya prosto okeanom. Konechno, est' nechto bessmertnoe i velichestvennoe v takom, naprimer, okeanskom slove kak Atlanticheskij, CHto delaet obyknovennyh smertnyh poistine neistovo fanaticheskimi. Predostav'te im fut peska na okeanskom poberezh'e i lyudi, kotorye prezhde byli normal'nymi (bolee-menee), Nachinayut rezvit'sya i vydelyvat' takie antrasha, budto ih tol'ko chto prezhdevremenno vypisali iz psihiatricheskogo otdeleniya. No kak by oni ne shodili s uma, Okean terpeliv, i ves'ma. Tol'ko dvazhdy v den', ot priliva otvrashcheniya vne sebya, okean staraetsya ujti v sebya neterpelivo. Imenno poetomu proishodyat ego prilivy i otlivy. DRAKONY SLISHKOM REDKI Uvidet' voochiyu nastoyashchee morskoe chudovishche hotya by odnazhdy - Vot zavetnoe zhelanie, osushchestvit' kotoroe ya zhazhdu. I esli by menya sprosili, hotel by ya, chtoby pered moim nosom vynyrnulo Lohnesskoe chudovishche? YA, ne koleblyas', otvetil by: "Da, konechno, i ne tol'ko, i ne to eshche Vsyakij raz glaza moi uvlazhnyayutsya, kogda ya vspominayu, chto prozhil dolgie gody, Ne povstrechavshis' ni razu licom k licu ni s odnim iz kaprizov prirody. CHto govorit' o tom, chto ya nikogda ne vidal Meduzu-Gorgonu?! Esli ya ne vidal dazhe obyknovennogo karlika, sevshego na koleni mul'timillioneru, misteru Morganu ili drugomu. Bol'she togo, i vovse ne iz-za sobstvennoj leni, YA nikogda i ne dumal o tom, chto u mistera Morgana est' koleni. Hotya, nado polagat', oni u nego est', kak i u vseh lyudej, chto v izvestnoj mere nas s nim sblizhaet. I ne isklyucheno, chto hotya by inogda mul'timillioner ikaet. A vse normal'nye chudovishcha, takie kak morskie drakony, ne imeyut ni kolenej, ni ikoty. I potomu s gorazdo bol'shej ohotoj YA predpochel by vstretit' lyubogo vtororazryadnogo vodyanogo, chem nezauryadnogo chelovecheskogo geniya. I vot vam slovo - ya ne imeyu na etot schet ni malejshego somneniya. Da, ya predpochel by uvidet'sya s odnoj sirenoj, kotoraya mne vremenami snitsya, CHem s Lordom Bajronom v dvuh licah. A esli by ya znal, chto povstrechayu Scillu i Haridbu, Ciklopa ili Pegasa, YA by, ne koleblyas', proshelsya na rukah ot svoego doma do Tehasa. Da, chto tam govorit'! Uzhe davnym-davno prishel ya k zaklyucheniyu, CHto my mogli by s vygodoj ispol'zovat' imeyushchiesya chudesa, esli by pridavali im bol'shee znachenie. I nasha zhizn' byla by mnogo znachitel'nej i interesnej,- ya dumayu poroyu, sozhaleya, Esli by vmesto togo, chtoby vyslushivat' po radio vymuchennye pesni, my s zamiraniem serdca slushali lorelejnye treli, okruzhiv Loreleyu. CHTO KAZHDAYA ZHENSHCHINA UZNAET RANO ILI POZDNO Muzh'ya - eto lyudi, ot kotoryh proistekayut vse bedy, no s sushchestvovaniem kotoryh zhenam prihoditsya mirit'sya, I ezhednevno vo vremya zavtraka i obeda videt' pered soboj ih neizmenno nedovol'nye lica. Muzh'ya sporyat s zhenoj dazhe po voprosam vospitaniya detej, no nahodyatsya v postoyannom zabluzhdenii Otnositel'no dnya ih rozhdeniya. I dazhe kogda muzh'ya byvayut nastol'ko nevnimatel'ny, chto zamechayut eto sami, Oni vser'ez schitayut, chto odnim velikodushnym poceluem mogut zagladit' lyubuyu obidu, nanesennuyu besceremonnymi slovami. Da, muzh'ya nevynosimy, kogda oni doma i ujti kuda-nibud' s glaz doloj dazhe ne pytayutsya. No oni eshche bolee nevynosimy, kogda neizvestno gde shatayutsya. Lyubye vashi zamechaniya oni prinimayut s usmeshkoj, a v glazah u nih pri etom takoe vyrazhenie; Budto, slushaya vas, oni, konechno, delayut vam gromadnoe odolzhenie. Oni polny energii, kogda im predstoit projti pyat' mil' peshkom, chtoby sygrat' partiyu v gol'f, no esli nuzhno sdelat' chto-to po hozyajstvu, stanovyatsya vyalymi i apatichnymi, I pri etom oni lyubyat porassuzhdat' o tom, chto vse zhenskie postupki yavlyayutsya nelogichnymi. Kogda vy podaete na stol frikadel'ki, oni vosprinimayut ih s kisloj minoj, vosklicaya: "Neuzheli my ne mozhem pozvolit' sebe chto-nibud' vrode file ili antrekota?!" No esli, posle ispolneniya v techenie mesyaca podobnyh zhelanij, vy kladete pered nimi schet semejnyh rashodov, on dejstvuet na nih sil'nee horoshego apperkota. S kakoj gerojskoj vyderzhkoj, s kakim hladnokroviem perenosyat oni bolezni teh, kogo kogda-to obeshchali berech' i leleyat' nezhno! No esli u nih krasneet gorlo ili bolit zhivot, mozhno podumat', chto ih blizkaya smert' neizbezhna. Kogda vy ostaetes' s nimi tet-a-tet, oni zamykayutsya v sebe, ochevidno schitaya, chto v besede s vami dlya nih net nichego interesnogo. No v obshchestve oni bespreryvno klanyayutsya, ulybayutsya, rassharkivayutsya pered vami, podstavlyayut takoe kolichestvo stul'ev, predlagayut stol'ko buterbrodov i sigaret, chto vam nesterpimo hochetsya vybrat' udobnyj moment i kak-nibud' posil'nee tresnut' ih! Da, muzh'ya - eto naibolee razdrazhayushchij faktor semejnoj zhizni, i, hotya, govorya iskrenne, dlya doma oni absolyutno ne nuzhny, No po ironii sud'by bol'shinstvo iz nih ustraivaetsya ves'ma udobno pod krylyshkom u sobstvennoj zheny. THE MULES In the world of mules There are no rules. SREDI OSLOV Znaet tot, kto imi pravil, CHto osly ne znayut pravil. LIMERIKI -1- An elderly bride of Port Jcrvis Was quite understandably nervis. Since her apple - cheeked groom, With three wines in the tomb, Kept insuring her during the service. Zagrustila ona, kogda on, Do nee shoronivshij treh zhen, Ulybayas', skazal: "YA vas zastrahoval, Dragocennaya, na million!" -2- A lady from near Rising Sun, She flattened her boy friend in fun, Saying, Don't worry kid, That's for nothing you did, It's for something I dreamed that you done. Deva strastnaya iz Fermopil Bila milogo chto bylo sil! Ne za to,- govorila,- CHto v real'nosti bylo, A za to, chto vo sne izmenil. MISTER ARTEZIAN I EGO BUMAZHNOE USERDIE V odnoj kontore ves'ma cenili mistera Arteziana, kotoryj schital, chto na svete net raboty vazhnee bumazhnoj, I byl nedovolen soboj postoyanno, hotya ego rabotosposobnosti mog by pozavidovat' kazhdyj. Podkorku ego bol'shih polusharij ni na mig ne pokidala zabota, Kak ustranit' prichiny, te chto eshche meshali zabyt' o tom, chto na svete est' ne tol'ko rabota. On podschital, chto esli budet spat' vosem' chasov v sutki, to za sem'desyat pyat' let zhizni dvadcat' pyat' let on provedet v posteli. I stal spat' shest' chasov i, takim obrazom, mog poteryat' tol'ko vosemnadcat' let, devyat' mesyacev i dve nedeli. Emu bylo izvestno, chto on potratit na edu tri goda, dva mesyaca i pyatnadcat' dnej, esli desyat' minut kazhdyj den' u nego otnimet kofe, dvadcat' - zavtrak i polchasa - obed. I ne pokidaya rabochego mesta, on stal pitat'sya bul'onnymi kubikami i vse vysheukazannye poteri svel na net. On obnaruzhil, chto ezhednevnye desyat' minut, neobhodimye dlya brit'ya, ukorachivayu ego dragocennuyu zhizn' na shest' mesyacev s gakom. I otpustil borodu, chto dalo emu dlya raboty dopolnitel'noe vremya, i odnako Golovu ego opyat' sverlila pochemu-to Odna navyazchivaya mysl', i s kazhdym dnem vse sil'nej: Teryaya kazhdyj den' v lifte vsego lish' dve minuty, On poteryaet za vsyu zhizn' celyh tridcat' vosem' dnej! I potomu odnazhdy, zhelaya ustraneniya i etoj poteri, edinstvennoj, chto eshche meshala ujti v svoi bumagi s golovoj, On, ne dohodya do dveri, shagnul iz okna kontory, kotoroe nahodilos' v pyatistah futah nad zemlej. NOW TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF Everybody speaks of being patronized, Yet nobody speaks of the truly irksome shambles which is, or are, being matronized, By which I mean that there is nothing more impolitely and noticeably aloof Than a woman of a certain sort sounding out a man of whose certain sort she hasn't yet got definite affidavits or proof. She displays the great names of her acquaintance for his benefit like a nouveau riche displaying his riches, And fixes him with the stare of a psychiatrist to see if there is one at which he twitches. George Washington and George Sand and Lloyd George to her are Georgie, And she would have addressed the Borgias behind their back as Borgie. She always wants to know, first, where do you come from, and second, do you of course know Babs and Bonzo Beaver there, which you never do, often for your own very good reasons, but you try to make your reply a polite one, So you murmur, ?Well I don't really know them, but I know of them," and she at once assigns you to your proper side of the tracks, and it is not the right one. When she discusses national affairs she doesn't talk exactly treasonably, But she refers to that part of the nation which lies outside of New York in the bright tone of one referring to a little tailor she has just discovered who does alterations very reasonably. Please do not get the impression that a matronizing woman causes me to froth at the mouth or slaver; I only wish to notify you that whenever you want her you can have her. MATRONA V KACHESTVE PATRONA Mnogie lyubyat porazglagol'stvovat' o pokrovitel'stve patrona. No vryad li komu zahochetsya vspominat' o tom neperenosimom sostoyanii, kogda tebe pokrovitel'stvuet matrona. Predstav'te sebe zhenshchinu neopredelennogo vozrasta i opredelennyh ubezhdenij, kotoraya avansiruet svoe polozhenie v pol'zu muzhchiny, O pol'ze kotorogo dlya sebya ona ne imeet nikakih podtverzhdenij, i kotoryj ne imeet dlya takovyh podtverzhdenij ni malejshej prichiny. Kak nuvorish raskladyvaet i, lyubuyas', perebiraet svoi dragocennosti, ona perechislyaet imena svoih vliyatel'nyh znakomyh ves'ma obstoyatel'no i podrobno, Odnovremenno sledya za svoim sobesednikom pristal'nym vzglyadom psihoanalitika, daby ne promorgat', pri upominanii kakoj iz znamenitostej ee protezhe vzdrognet. Dzhordzh Vashington ili Llojd Dzhordzh dlya nee - prosto ZHora. Kak budto ona rosla vmeste s nimi, i esli by odin iz nih vdrug poyavilsya pered vami, ona kivnula by emu, kak staromu znakomomu, ne preryvaya razgovora. Obsuzhdaya nacional'nye problemy, ona, razumeetsya, ne delaet otkrytij i ne vyskazyvaet ni odnoj stoyashchej idei. I vse ee otkroveniya otnositel'no chasti nacii, zhivushchej za predelami N'yu-Jorka, nahodyatsya na urovne rassuzhdenij modnicy, rasskazyvayushchej pro portnogo, kotoryj v oblasti zhenskih naryadov nesomnenno yavlyaetsya charodeem. Pozhalujsta, ne poschitajte, vyslushav menya, budto ya puskayu slyunki, vidya, kak komu-to pokrovitel'stvuet matrona, ne nadeyas' sam na podobnyj sluchaj. Net, ya priderzhivayus' mneniya, chto esli kto-nibud' chego-nibud' ochen' zahochet, on v konce koncov eto obyazatel'no poluchit. **** There was a lady loved a gent, But her reward was meager. Said her gentleman friend to his gentleman friends, The lady's overeager. There was a lady loved a gent, She held her backbone rigid. Said her gentleman friend to his gentleman friends, The lady's for too frigid. There was a lady loved herself, But equipped with COLD and HOT. Said her gentleman friends to their gentleman friends, Whatever it is, she's got. Oh let us laugh at the lines above, Less precious than pearls and rubies - Telling the ladies what ladies know, That gentlemen ALL are boobies. LYUBOVX I TOCHKA ZRENIYA Lyubila vsem serdcem, ne znaya korysti, Lyubila bezmerno. Naprasno! Znakomym dzhentl'menam schastlivchik otkrylsya, CHto lyubit ona slishkom strastno. Drugaya lyubila ne v meru primerno - Sama ne brosalas' na sheyu. Povedal neschastnyj znakomym dzhentl'menam, CHto ryby ona holodnee. Lyubila sebya. I prekrasno! Da tol'ko S pripadkami ne bylo sladu. Ob etoj dzhentl'meny reshili: Poskol'ku Upryamaya - tak ej i nado! Dzhentl'meny nahodyat dlya smeha prichiny, Vrachuya serdechnye rany. A ledi, vedya razgovor o muzhchinah, schitayut: dzhentl'meny - bolvany! THE ANT The ant has made himself illustrious Through constant industry industrious. So what? Would you be calm and placid If you were full of formic acid? MURAVEJ Vsegda v trude. Pokoya - ni minutki. A byl by ty spokoen? - Net uzh, dudki! - Kogda b imel v svoej krovi i ty Hot' kaplyu murav'inoj kisloty. THE PARENT Children aren't happy with nothing to ignore, And that's what parents were created for. OTCY I DETI Poroj ponyat' ne mogut nashi deti, Zachem zhivut roditeli na svete. THOUGHTS THOUGHT ON AN AVENUE There would be far lees masculine gaming and boozing But for the feminine approach to feminine fashions, which is distinctly confusing. Please correct me if, although I don't think I do, I err; But it is a fact that a lady wants to be dressed exactly like everybody else but she gets pretty upset if she see anybody else dressed exactly like her. Nothing so infuriates her as a similar hat or dress, Especially if bought for less, Which brings up another point which I will attempt to discuss in my guttural masculine jargon; Her ideal raiment is costlier than her or her dearest friend's purse can buy, and at the same time her own exclusive and amazing bargain. Psychologists claim that men are the dreamers and women are the realists, But to my mind women are the starriest-eyed of idealists, Though I am willing to withdraw this charge and gladly eat it uncomplaineously. If anyone can explain to me how a person can wear a costume that is different from other people's and the same as other people's and more expensive than other people's and cheaper than other people's, simultaneously. MYSLI NA AVENYU YA utverzhdayu, chto muzh'ya gorazdo rezhe zhalovalis' by na semejnye uzy, Esli by otnoshenie ih zhen k predmetam zhenskoj odezhdy ne dohodilo by poroj do konfuza. Pozhalujsta, poprav'te menya, esli ya ne prav, a, vprochem, ya ne somnevayus', chto moya mysl' verna, Kazhdaya zhenshchina mechtaet byt' odetoj kak vse, no byvaet uzhasno ogorchena, vstrechaya kogo-libo, kto odet, kak ona. Nichto ne razdrazhaet ee tak, kak pohozhaya shlyapka ili plat'e, Osobenno priobretennye za men'shuyu platu, CHto vyzyvaet u menya eshche koe-kakie soobrazheniya, i ya ispol'zuyu vse svoe muzhskoe krasnorechie, chtoby otstoyat' ih. Ideal'noe odeyanie zhenshchiny gorazdo dorozhe togo, kotoroe mozhet pozvolit' sebe ona ili ee podruga, no kotoroe v konce koncov dostaetsya imenno ej v silu kakogo-to neveroyatnejshego stecheniya obstoyatel'stv. Psihologi utverzhdayut, chto muzhchiny - mechtateli, a zhenshchiny - realistki. No, po-moemu, zhenshchiny i est' samye otchayannye idealistki. Vprochem, ya gotov vzyat' vse svoi slova obratno, no vy dolzhny mne nepremenno Ob®yasnit', kak mozhno nosit' plat'e, kotoroe otlichaetsya ot plat'ya drugih i kotoroe toch'-v-toch' takoe zhe, kak u nih, i kotoroe dorozhe i deshevle, chem u drugih, odnovremenno. THE FLY God in His wisdom made the fly And then forgot to tell us why. MUDROSTX TVORCA Bog byl nastol'ko mudr, chto muhu sotvoril! Bog znaet, dlya chego. No nam skazat' zabyl. FUNEBRIAL REFLECTION Among the anthropophagi People's friends are people's sarcophagi. NA KONCHINU LYUDOEDA Net sarkofagov dlya lyudoedov. Ih sarkofagi - chrevo soseda. THE CHERUB I like to watch the clouds roll by, And think of cherubs in the sky; But when I think of cherubim, I don't know if they're her or him. HERUVIM Kogda, kak oblachko, nevinny Plyvut po nebu heruvimy, Mysl' v golove moej odna: Kto eto? - On ili Ona?! SONG OF THE OPEN ROAD I think that I shall never see A billboard lovely as a tree. Perhaps unless the billboards fall, I'll never see a tree at all. O PRIDOROZHNOJ REKLAME Pozhaluj, ya voveki ne uvizhu Prekrasnuyu, kak derevo, afishu. I kak sravnit' odno s drugim? - Obidno! Iz-za afishi dereva ne vidno. NOW YOU SEE IT, NOW I DON'T Some people look to the future and others look days of yore-wards, But even they see more eye to eye than two people on a train one of whom is riding backwards and the other forwards. I don't know how it does or when, But anything interesting described by a forwards rider has vanished by the time it should have swum into the backwards rider's ken, While, through a freak twist of the current The backwards rider gets to see a lot of interesting things that should have been there a moment ago for the forwards rider to see but somehow they just wurrent. Travelers have told me and 1 have believed them, That such noticeable objects as the Mississippi River and the Sierra Nevada mountains have disappeared between the time when the forwards rider pointed them out and the backwards rider should have perceived them. There are those who in an effort to explain this