phenomenon have developed a disturbing knack; They sit forwards and look back, While others to whom their vertebrae are dearer Sit backwards and gaze on the fleeting landscape through a mirror. But no matter what they describe Their accounts never jibe. When I eventually establish my Universal Travel Service and Guide Ways I shall advise all my clients who really want to see anything just to sit at home and look sideways. TEPERX VY VIDITE, CHTO YA TEPERX NE VIZHU? Odni lyudi smotryat v budushchee, drugie - v proshloe, i, konechno zhe, u teh i u drugih - ogranichennyj vzglyad. No dazhe oni, glyadya navstrechu drug drugu, vidyat bol'she chem dva cheloveka na poezde, odin iz kotoryh puteshestvuet licom vpered, a drugoj - licom nazad. YA ne znayu, pochemu tak poluchaetsya? No vse interesnoe, opisannoe pervym puteshestvennikom, k tomu vremeni, kogda ego dolzhen uvidet' vtoroj, bessledno konchaetsya. I naoborot - Puteshestvuyushchij licom nazad vidit massu interesnogo, sluchivshegosya na mgnoven'e pozzhe togo, chto uvidal ego antipod. Puteshestvenniki rasskazyvali mne dazhe (i svoim neveriem ya ne smeyu ih obidet'), CHto takie zamechatel'nye pejzazhi kak Missisipi i S®erra-Nevada, posle togo kak vpered smotryashchie videli ih sobstvennymi glazami, bessledno ischezali k tomu vremeni, kogda sidyashchie zadom napered namerevalis' ih uvidet'. Sredi nih vstrechalis' i takie, kotorye, zhelaya ubedit'sya, chto polozhenie ih tela po otnosheniyu k dvizheniyu absolyutno ne pri chem, Sadilis' grud'yu vpered, no smotreli v protivopolozhnuyu storonu, polozhiv podborodok sebe na plecho. V to vremya kak drugie, ne reshayas' na podobnyj shag, ibo sobstvennaya sheya byla im neskol'ko dorozhe, Sadilis' zadom napered i rassmatrivali v zerkalo proplyvayushchij mimo landshaft, rasschityvaya uvidet' odno i to zhe. No kak by oni ni delali i chto by ni uvidali, Opisaniya pervyh i vtoryh nikogda ne sovpadali. Kogda, nakonec, budet izdan moj "Universal'nyj putevoditel' puteshestvennika", v neobhodimosti kotorogo ya ubedilsya davno, Kazhdyj smozhet prochest' tam, chto esli on dejstvitel'no zhelaet uvidet' chto-nibud' interesnoe, to samoe luchshee dlya nego - ostavat'sya doma i smotret' v okno. GET UP, FELLOWS, IT'S TIME TO GO TO BED It's more than logical, it's biological, To be lethargikal, And contrariwise it's abecedarian, or childishly alphabetic, That it's ridiculous to be energetic. Welcome, lassitude! Scram, vivacitude! Up with the grasshopper and the sluggard! Away with the ant and the bee and all individualists whether puny or ruggard! Before our ancestors were apes they were fish, But they improved their condition and got to be human beings and founded a lot of empires such as the ancient Persian and Roman and the contemporary Brish, But the ocean today with us would be brimming If our ancestors hadn't had sense enough to stop all that continuous swimming, Whereas now we can ride up and down in elevators and go to the movies, and fish are only something about which some people say, ?Yum yum, right put of the water and fried to a delicate golden, brown", And the only reason the fish aren't eating the people in- stead of the people eating the fish is that fish can't do two things that have got people where they are, they can't close their eyes and they can't sit down. POSHEVELITESX, DRUZXYA, PORA V POSTELX |to bol'she chem logichno, eto biologichno Byt' letargichnym. I naoborot eto ABVGDichno ili po-detski alfavitichno, CHto nelepo byt' ne v meru energichnym. Doloj vertlyavost' i kriklivost'! Uzh luchshe vyalost' i sonlivost'. Da, zdravstvuyut kuznechiki i prochie lentyai! K chertyam vseh suetlivyh murav'ev i pchel, gde by oni ni polzali, kuda by ni letali. Nashi predki byli rybami prezhde chem stali obez'yanami, i kak glasyat predaniya, Uluchshaya svoi usloviya, oni v konce koncov stali lyud'mi i osnovali mnozhestvo imperij, takih kak drevnyaya Persiya, i Rim, i sovremennaya Britaniya. Okean byl by nami segodnya napolnen s krayami, Esli by nashi predki ne dogadalis' vo vremya prekratit' eto beskonechnoe nyryanie, v rezul'tate chego oni i stali nami. I teper' my raz®ezzhaem vverh-vniz po eskalatoru i spim v kinematografe, a ryba - vsego lish' nechto, o chem lyudi poroj govoryat: "YAm-yam! Kakaya appetitnaya korochka! Luchshe i ne prisnitsya". A edinstvennaya prichina, pochemu ne ryby edyat nas, a my edim ryb, zaklyuchaetsya v tom, chto oni ne umeyut delat' dvuh veshchej, harakternyh dlya lyudej, a imenno: ne mogut zakryvat' glaza i ne sposobny sadit'sya. WE DON'T NEED TO LEAVE YET, DO WE? OR, YES WE DO One kind of person when catching a train always wants to allow an hour to cover the ten-block trip to the terminus, And the other kind looks at them as if they were verminous, And the second kind says that five minutes is plenty and will even leave one minute over for buying the tickets, And the first kind looks at them as if they had cerebral rickets. One kind when theater-bound sups lightly at six and hastens off to the play, And indeed I know one such person who is so such that it frequently arrives in time for the last act of the matinee, And the other kind sits down at eight to a meal that is positively sumptuous, Observing cynically that an eight-thirty curtain never rises till eight-forty, an observation which is less cynical than bumptious. And what the first kind, sitting uncomfortably in the waiting room while the train is made up in the yards, can never understand, Is the injustice of the second kind's reaching their scat just as the train moves out, just as they had planned, And what the second kind cannot understand as they stumble over the first kind's feel just as the footlights flash on at last Is that the first kind doesn't feel the least bit foolish at having entered the theater before the cast. Oh, the first kind always wants to start now and the second kind always wants to tarry, Which wouldn't make any difference, except that each other is what they always marry. NAM ESHCHE RANO, NE PRAVDA LI? ILI SKOREJ, MY UZHE OPOZDALI! Odni lyudi otpravlyayutsya na vokzal za chas do othoda poezda, hotya im projti vsego nichego. Drugie smotryat na nih pri etom kak na otvratitel'noe sushchestvo I utverzhdayut, chto im vpolne dostatochno pyati minut, i vyhodyat minutoj pozzhe, ne somnevayas', chto eshche uspeyut kupit' bilet. A pervye smotryat na nih pri etom tak, kak budto u nih mozgovoj rahit, a vse ih rassuzhdeniya - naivnyj bred. Odni lyudi, esli u nih est' bilety na vechernij spektakl', naskoro perekusyvayut v shest' i vyskakivayut iz doma bez promedleniya. A odin moj znakomyj obychno yavlyalsya na vechernij koncert k poslednemu aktu dnevnogo predstavleniya. Drugie v vosem' chasov tol'ko pristupayut k uzhinu, na kotoryj bylo by ne stydno priglasit' vel'mozhu, I cinichno schitayut, chto zanaves spektaklya, nachinayushchegosya v vosem' tridcat', ran'she vos'mi soroka podnyat'sya ne mozhet. Edinstvennoe, chto pervye, sidyashchie v zale ozhidaniya, kak na igolkah, ponyat' ne v sostoyanii,- |to nespravedlivost' sud'by, pozvolyayushchej vsegda opazdyvayushchim vtorym popadat' na svoe mesto dazhe posle signala otpravleniya, to est' kak oni i rasschityvali zaranee. V svoyu ochered' vtorye, natykayas' na nogi pervyh, v tot mig, kogda ogni rampy, nakonec, zagorayutsya, nikak ne mogut postignut' logiki pervyh, kotorye Postoyanno stavyat sebya v naiglupejshee polozhenie, poyavlyayas' v teatre eshche do raspredeleniya rolej mezhdu akterami. Itak, pervye vsegda speshat, vtorye nikogda ne toropyatsya, vse eto tak. No po ironii sud'by imenno oni vstupayut drug s drugom v brak. THE TURTLE The turtle lives 'twixt plated decks Which practically conceal its sex. I think it clever of the turtle In such a fix to be so fertile. DOM CHEREPAHI V nem est' i potolok i pol. I tak legko skryvat' svoj pol! Ne iz-za skrytnogo li vida Tak cherepaha plodovita? THE STRANGE CASE OF MR. ORMANTUDE'S BRIDE Once there was a bridegroom named Mr. Ormantude whose intentions were hard to disparage, Because he intended to make his a happy marriage, And he succeeded for going on fifty years, During which he was in marital bliss up to his ears. His wife's days and nights were enjoyable Because he catered to every foible; He went around humming hymns And anticipating her whims. Many a fine bit of repartee died on his lips Lest it throw her anecdotes into eclipse; He was always silent when his cause was meritorious, And he never engaged in argument unless sure he was so obviously wrong that she couldn't help emerging victorious, And always when in her vicinity He was careful to make allowances for her femininity; Were she snappish, he was sweetish, And of understanding her he made a fetish. Everybody said his chances of celebrating his golden wedding looked good, But on his golden wedding eve he was competently poisoned by his wife who could no longer stand being perpetually understood. MISTER ORMANTXYUD I EGO NEVESTA Odnazhdy zhil na svete nekij Ormant'yud, o namereniyah kotorogo luchshe ne govorit' by, Ibo ego edinstvennym namereniem byla schastlivaya zhenit'ba. V chem on i preuspel i byl pochti polveka schastliv po ushi S edinstvennoj, kotoruyu lyubil, sebya ne pomnivshi. Vse brachnye dni i nochi ego byli sploshnym blazhenstvom, Potomu chto vse chuvstva ego sledili za kazhdym ee zhestom. On na letu lovil lyuboj ee kapriz, Kak samyj dragocennyj priz. A na gubah u nego, tak i ne vyporhnuv v svet, umirali ostroty, Kotorye ne mogli ne rodit'sya v otvet na ee anekdoty. Esli pravda byla na ego storone, on ne vstupal s suprugoyu v spor nikogda, A sporil tol'ko uverennyj vpolne, chto on nastol'ko ne prav, chto dazhe ej posramit' ego ne stoilo nikakogo truda. I kakaya by ni byla na lice ee mina, Ryadom s nej on vsegda pomnil o tom, chto ona - femina. I prevrashchal v fetish svoe vnimanie k lyubomu vyletayushchemu iz e£ gorla zvuku: Kogda ona layala, on myaukal. Kazhdyj, kto znal o ego postoyanstve, prorochil im zolotuyu svad'bu, no nakanune vecherom, ne pomnya o tom, Ego obozhaemaya otravila ego, ne v silah bol'she vynesti uzhasnogo sostoyaniya byt' vechno neponyatnoj. THE PEOPLE UPSTAIRS The people upstairs all practice ballet. Their living room is a bowling alley. Their bedroom is full of conducted tours. Their radio is louder than yours. They celebrate week-ends all the week. When they take a shower, your ceilings leak. They try to get their parties to mix By supplying their guests with Pogo sticks, And when their orgy at last abates, They go to the bathroom on roller skates. I might love the people upstairs wondrous If instead of above us, they just lived under us. SOSEDI SVERHU Sosedi, chto sverhu, konechno tancory. V gostinoj u nih beskonechnye spory. Tam v kegli igrayut s utra i do nochi. Ih gosti - kriklivej, ih radio - gromche. V ih vannoj est' dyrochki navernyaka, I kapaet dozhdik u vas s potolka. Konechno, oni ne skuchny, kak inye. No vsyu-to nedelyu u nih vyhodnye. I slishkom uzh chasto konchaetsya eto Katan'em po polu vsyu noch' do rassveta. No, pravo, ya byl by im iskrenne rad, Kogda by ya zhil ne pod nimi, a - nad. YA VAS UZNAL, SNIMAJTE BAKENBARDY! Dvadcatyj vek. Kakoj razmah! Edinstvennoe, v chem pora obvinit' ego, Mozhno vyrazit' v dvuh slovah: Slishkom stremitel'nyj! Lichno ya predpochel by chto-nibud' medlitel'no-tyaguchee, zevatel'no-tomnoe, I tem luchshe, chem bolee monotonnoe. O, Novyj God! Vse lyudi nakanune prevrashchayutsya v poetov i vidyat kazhdyj priblizhayushchijsya god skvoz' volshebnye okonnye uzory. I hotya v golove u nih pri etom kasha ih hlopot, zato nadezhd u nih v serdcah bol'she, chem v ovsyanke ovsyanyh zeren. Da, oni schitayut, chto Staryj god byl nastol'ko ploh, chto Novyj god ne mozhet ne byt' luchshe, i nuzhno skazat', chto oni ne godyatsya v proroki, Ibo, kak pokazyvaet itog, Novyj God vsegda idet po stopam staryh let povtoryaya i sobiraya v sebe ih tipichnye poroki. I ya znayu prichinu takogo povedeniya Novogo Goda, ya oshchushchayu ee tak zhe yasno, kak zvuk struny, na kotoryj nanizal svoyu simfoniyu YAn Sibelius. A delo v tom, chto Novyj God, dazhe pokrytyj novogodnim ineem, sovsem ne Novyj god, a odin iz staryh, no pod vymyshlennym imenem i eto ya namotal sebe na us. I potomu sredi lyudej ya vne konkurencii i podnimayu ran'she vseh svoj Novogodnij tost Za to, chtob etot Novyj God byl nastoyashchim Novym Godom, a ne tem, so sbritoj borodoj pod vidom mladenca i s novogodnej nadpis'yu cherez plecho na polotence - toch'-v-toch', kak s oblozhki ?Saterdej Ivning Post." Vryad li najdetsya kartina menee ubeditel'naya i bolee neugodnaya, CHem kakoj-nibud' Staryj God v odeyanii Novogo Goda. Lichno ya uzhe vyros iz naivnogo vozrasta rebenka i gotov postoyat' kak za chestnost', tak i za novogodnee obzhorstvo. I ya ne zhelayu bol'she chestvovat' poderzhannoe 1-e yanvarya takzhe kak za novogodnim uzhinom zhevat' myaso kozlenka, kotoroe okazyvaetsya kak u kozla, zhestkim. Privetstvuyu tebya, moj Novyj God! Vozmozhno narisovannye mnoj kartinki ustupayut kartinam Rembranta ili |l' Greko, no, pravo, eto ne pomeha, Esli eto nastoyashchij Novyj God, pozhelat' Novogodnego Schast'ya vsem, vsem, vsem! Bystree chem malen'kij Ser |ho. SWEET DREAMS I wonder as into bed I creep What it feels like to fall asleep. I've told myself stories, I've counted sheep, But I'm always asleep when I fall asleep. Tonight my eyes I will open keep, And I'll stay awake till I fall asleep, Then I'll know what it feels like to fall asleep, Asleep, Asleeep, Asleeeep... SLADKIE SNY YA dumayu, v spal'nyu napraviv svoj put', CHto skoro usnu. No chto znachit usnut'? YA dolgo schitayu, gotovyas' ko snu. I vse zh zasypayu, lish' tol'ko zasnu. YA glaz ne smykayu, chtob vdrug ne prospat' Tot mig, kogda v son pogruzhayus' opyat'. Hochu oshchutit' eto chuvstvo spolna. Ne stanu segodnya do samogo sna Spat', Spat', Spat'... THE TERMITE Some primal termite knocked on wood And tasted it, and found it good, And that is why your Cousin May Fell through the parlor floor today. TERMIT Termit v nash dom voshel snachala, A posle on vo vkus voshel. Vot pochemu kuzina Alla Segodnya prolomila pol. I'M SURE SHE SAID SIX-THIRTY One of the hardest explanations to be found Is an explanation for just standing around. Anyone just standing around looks pretty sinister, Even a minister; Consider then the plight of the criminal, Who lacks even the protective coloration of a hyminal, And as just standing around is any good criminal's practically daily stint, I wish to proffer a hint. Arc you, sir, a masher who blushes as he loiters, Do you stammer to passers-by that you are merely expecting a street-car, or a dispatch from Reuter's? Or perhaps you are a safeblower engaged in casing a joint; Can you look the patrolman in the eye or do you forget all the savoir-faire you ever loint? Suppose you are a shoplifter awaiting an opportunity to lift a shop, Or simply a novice with a length of lead pipe killing time in a dark alley pending the arrival of a wealthy fop, Well, should any official ask you why you are just standing around, Do you wish you could simply sink into the ground? My dear sir, do not be embarrassed, do not reach for your gun or your knife, Remember the password, which, uttered in a tone of quiet despair, is the explanation of anyone's standing around anywhere at any hour for any length of time: ?I'm waiting for my wife". ONA OBESHCHALA BYTX V 6.30 Est' takie situacii, kotorye byvaet trudno ob®yasnit'. Naprimer, kogda vy vynuzhdeny ostavat'sya na odnom i tom zhe meste i ne uhodit'. Kazhdyj, stoyashchij na meste bez dela, smahivaet na recidivista, Bud' to dazhe ministr. Nu, a predstav'te sebe tol'ko vchera osvobozhdennogo gangstera, Kotoryj ne imeet ni prilichnogo kostyuma, ni podhodyashchego galstuka, I okolachivaetsya gde-nibud' na uglu do posineniya, poka emu ne podvernetsya del'ce, kotorym stoit zanyat'sya. I ya predlagayu odno ischerpyvayushchee ob®yasnenie dlya vseh podobnyh situacij. Skazhite, Ser, esli vy sovremennyj Don ZHuan, pristayushchij k damam, to pochemu, stoya na uglu, vy tak krasneete pri etom? I zachem, zaikayas', pytaetes' ob®yasnit', chto lovite taksi ili chto vam s minuty na minutu dolzhny dostavit' telegrammu iz Agentstva Rejter? Ili esli vy prestupnik, steregushchij vhod v priton, to pochemu, pri poyavlenii polismena, Vy ne smeete vzglyanut' emu v glaza nahal'no i smelo? Nu, a polozhim, vy specialist-tovaroved i vybiraete udobnyj moment, chtoby obchistit' magazin, Ili nachinayushchij lyubitel', zazhavshij v ruke tyazhelyj predmet, v ozhidanii interesnoj vstrechi s zapozdalym prohozhim odin na odin. I kogda blyustitel' poryadka zagonyaet vas v tupik voprosom: "A chto vy zdes' delaete?!", a ego pristal'nyj vzglyad sledit za tem, chtoby vy ne uskol'znuli v kakuyu-nibud' lazejku, Pochemu vam tak hochetsya v etot mig provalit'sya skvoz' zemlyu? Milejshij! Ne nado smushchat'sya, ne stoit tyanut'sya za pistoletom ili nozhom, stoit tol'ko vspomnit' odnu magicheskuyu frazu, Kotoraya, kogda by i gde by vy ni stoyali, posluzhit vam i pasportom i ob®yasneniem srazu. Vot ona, eta fraza, ta chto pomozhet vam eshche ne odnazhdy: "Vy ponimaete, ya zhdu zhenu!" - I bud'te uvereny - vas pojmet kazhdyj. THE SNIFFLE In spite of her sniffle, Isabel's chiffle. Some girls with a sniffle Would be weepy and tiffle; They would look awful, Like a rained-on waffle, But Isabel's chiffle In spite of her sniffle. Her nose is more red With a cold in her head, But then, to be sure, Her eyes are bluer. Some girls with a snuffle, Their tempers are uffle, But when Isabel's snivelly She's snivelly civilly. And when she is snuffly She's perfectly luffly. NASMORK Nesmotrya na svoj nasmork, Izabella - prekrasna! Drugim etot nasmork nos delaet krasnym. Ih vzglyad - polusonnyj. I "chih-li" i "kah-li", i lica ih, slovno mochenye vafli. A Izabella lish' porozovela I nasmork ne v schet ej. I chem on sil'nee, tem rozovej shchechki, tem glazki sinee. Drugim eto slozhno. Im s nosom soplivym pochti nevozmozhno ostat'sya schastlivym. A Izabelle nichto ne opasno. Ona i bez nasmorka tak zhe prekrasna. I BURN MONEY The song about the happy-go-lucky fellow who hasn't time to be a millionaire strikes me as pretty funny, Because I am pretty happy-go-lucky myself but it isn't lack of time that keeps me from being a millionaire, it's lack of money, But if anybody has a million that they're through with it Well, I know what I'd like to do with it. My first acquisition would not be a lot of Old Masters or first editions or palatial palaces, No, it would be to supply each of my pairs of pants with its own set of gallowses. I can also think of another extravagance with which to startle all beholders Which is an attendant with no other duties than to apply antisunburn lotion to that vulnerable spot you can't get at yourself either by reaching over or under your shoulders. My next goal is one to reach which I should probably have to sink into debt, But it would be worth it because it is the development of a short, hot, harsh, quick-burning, full-of-nicotine cigarette. A million dollars could also be well spent in hiring some- body to invent some better rhymes for wife than rife and knife and strife, But I think what I would really do if I had a million would be to buy a million dollars' worth of books written by me and then besides having a lot of good books I could sit back and live on the royalties for the rest of my life. PROZHIGATELX DENEG Mne chertovski nravitsya pesenka o tom udachlivom parne, kotoryj esli by u nego bylo dostatochno vremeni, zarabatyval by stol'ko deneg, chto emu bylo by nekuda det' ih, Potomu chto sam ya ne menee udachliv, tol'ko mne meshaet stat' millionerom ne nedostatok vremeni, a nedostatok deneg. O, esli by ya byl millionerom! YA by znal, kuda istratit' million, i ne postoyal by za primerom. Itak, moe pervoe priobretenie! ? Oglyadyvayus' vokrug. K chertu kartiny staryh masterov i palasy dlya pallaco tuda zhe. Pervo-napervo ya snabdil by kazhduyu svoyu paru bryuk svoim sobstvennym komplektom podtyazhek. Drugaya prichuda millionera, nadeyus', vyvela by vseh zevak na poberezh'e iz sostoyaniya pokoya, podnimaya sledom za soboyu volny osvezhayushchego smeha. |to sluga, edinstvennaya obyazannost' kotorogo ? hodit' za toboyu i smazyvat' vazelinom to mesto na spine, kotoroe nevozmozhno samomu dostat' rukoyu ni snizu, ni sverhu. Moya sleduyushchaya cel' takova, chto dlya ee osushchestvleniya, vozmozhno, pridetsya ne tol'ko vlezt' v dolgi, no i otpravit'sya - na tot svet. Ibo eta cel' ? izobretenie korotkih, obzhigayushchih, rezkih, bystro sgorayushchih, supernikotinovyh, po nastoyashchemu muzhskih sigaret. I konechno zhe, celyj million ya otvalil by tomu, kto vzyalsya by izobresti rifmu k slovu ?zhena? menee zataskannuyu, chem ?ona?, ?odna?, ?satana?, i klyanus', ob etom millione ya ne pozhalel by dazhe. No chto ya sdelal by dejstvitel'no, imeya million, tak eto priobrel by na million dollarov sobstvennyh proizvedenij i, takim obrazom, vladel by ne tol'ko ogromnym kolichestvom prevoshodnyh knig, no i mog by, nichego ne delaya, prozhit' ostatok dnej na gonorar ot ih prodazhi. GLOSSINA MORSITANS, OR, THE TSETSE A Glossina morsitans bit rich Aunt Betsy. Tsk tsk, tsetse. BOGATAYA TETYA I MUHA CE-CE Tss! Tss! Ce-ce U teti na lice. THE KITTEN The trouble with a kitten is THAT Eventually it becomes a CAT. KOTENOK S kotenkom vsya problema v tom, CHto on stanovitsya KOTOM. THE KITTEN The trouble with a kitten is THAT Eventually it becomes a CAT. BEGLEC YA syadu na palku il' dazhe na dosku. Verhom poskachu ot tebya k perekrestku. Zaedu v kafe - ya golodnym ne budu! Ne huzhe domashnih dezhurnye blyuda. Tam sous gusinyj i klyukvennyj sous Eshche so vchera prigotovlen na sovest'. Uzh luchshe ya tam porabotayu lozhkoj, Poka ty dozharish' indejku s kartoshkoj. NEMNOGO SALATA, DOLXKU APELXSINA I NA |TOM - SPASIBO Nam vsem izvestno, chto hudet' Ne kazhdomu pod silu. O, skol'ko dram I melodram V probleme - byt' krasivym! ZHena, chtob s kazhdym godom byt' Molozhe i molozhe, Iz goda v god Morkov' gryzet. A muzh, uvy, ne mozhet. ZHena shnuruet plot' v korset. Zatyanetsya potuzhe - I vot ona, Kak lan' strojna. No chto podelat' muzhu?! ZHene netrudno sbavit' ves. ZHene poroj v zabavu Zateyat' spor, Upast' na pol. A muzhu - ne po nravu. My golodaem, my edim - Byt' muzhem, oh, ne prosto! Hudoj Ostanetsya hudym, A tolstyj budet tolstym. SUPPOSE HE THREW IT IN YOUR FACE Please don't anybody ask me to decide anything, I do not know a nut from a meg, Or which came first, the lady or the tiger, or which came next, the chicken or the egg. It takes a man of vision To make a decision, And my every memory Is far too dilemmary. I am, alas, to be reckoned With the shortstop who can't decide whether to throw to first or second, Nor can Idecide whether to put, except after c, E before i, or i before e. But where this twilight mind really goes into eclipse Is in the matter of tips. I stand stricken before the triple doom, Whether, and How Much, and Whom. Tell me, which is more unpleasant, The look from him who is superior to a tip and gets it,or from him who isn't and doesn't? I had rather be discovered playing with my toes in the Boston Aquarium Than decide wrongly about an honorarium. Oh, to dwell forever amid Utopian scenery Where hotels and restaurants and service stations are operated by antippable unoffendable machinery. DOPUSTIM, VAM BROSILI |TO V LICO Pozhalujsta, ne zastavlyajte menya chto-libo reshat', ya ne otlichu chudaka ot boltuna v lico, I kto na pervom meste - ledi ili tigr, i chto posle chego - kurica ili yajco. A nuzhno byt' isklyuchitel'no pronicatel'nym, CHtoby reshat' polozhitel'no ili otricatel'no. Dlya menya zhe lyubaya problema - Dilemma. Uvy, ya ne mogu sravnivat' sebya s tem bejsbol'nym igrokom, Kotoryj znaet, brosat' myach etomu ili tomu, potomu chto ne uveren ni v etom, ni v tom. Tochno takzhe ne mogu ya reshit'sya, hotya dlya drugih eto dvazhdy-dva, Pisat' li v slove s bezudarnoj glasnoj E ili I, O ili A? No dejstvitel'noe umopomrachenie nishodit na menya i vsyakij raz, kak vpervye, Kogda mne predstoit davat' chaevye. I vsyakij raz trojnoj rok presleduet menya opyat': STOIT LI? KOMU? i SKOLXKO DAVATX? Skazhite mne, chej vzglyad na vashem nastroenii bol'she skazyvaetsya, Togo, kto vyshe chaevyh i beret ih, ne zamechaya, ili togo, kto ih zamechaet, no prinyat' otkazyvaetsya? Lichno ya predpochel by igrat' v salochki so svoimi pyatkami v Bostonskom Akvariume pered tolpoj osuzhdayushchej moe povedenie, CHem prinyat' nevernoe reshenie po chasti ch'ego-libo voznagrazhdeniya. Prihoditsya tol'ko mechtat' o takom Utopicheskom ugolke zemnogo shara, gde vse restorany, oteli i stancii obsluzhivaniya avtomobilej oborudovany nepogreshimymi, Ne prinimayushchimi nikakih chaevyh mashinami. REFLEXIONS ON ICE-BREAKING Candy is dandy But liquor is quicker. VESENNIE RAZMYSHLENIYA Konfety - effektny! No aperitivy - operativnej. LIKE A RAT IN A TRAP After various guesses at last I've guessed Why in spring I feel depressed. When the robins begin to play Summer is just a step away. Then hardly the summer has commenced When autumn is what you're up against, And once the autumn has muscled in on you Winter is waiting to begin on you. So spring isn't spring, but otherwise, Just a prelude to winter, which I despise. VESNA V prirode - vesna, a v dushe moej - splin. Est' v mire dlya etogo mnogo prichin. Malinovka gde-to zapela v lesu. Tak, znachit, i leto uzhe na nosu. A vot uzh i leto. I, znachit, opyat' do oseni tol'ko rukoyu podat'. I vot uzhe list'ya suhie shurshat. Teper' do zimy lish' kakoj-nibud' shag. Vyhodit, vesna - eto ta zhe zima! I eto svedet menya skoro s uma. YOU AND ME AND P.B. SHELLEY What is life? Life is stepping down a step or sitting in a chair, And it isn't there. Life is not having been told that the man has just waxed the floor, It is pulling doors marked PUSH and pushing doors marked PULL and not noticing notices which say PLEASE USE OTHER DOOR. Life is an Easter Parade In which you whisper, ?No darling if it's a boy we'll name him after your father!" into the ear of an astonished stranger because the lady you thought was walking beside you has stopped to gaze into a window full of radishes and hot malted lemonade. It is when you diagnose a sore throat as an unprepared geography lesson and send your child weeping to school only to be returned an hour later covered with spots that are indubitably genuine, It is a concert with a trombone soloist filling in for Yehudi Menuhin. Were it not for frustration and humiliation I suppose (he human race would get ideas above its station. Somebody once described Shelley as a beautiful and ineffective angel beating his luminous wings against the void in vain, Which is certainly describing with might and main, But probably means that we are all brothers under our pelts, And Shelley went around pulling doors marked PUSH and pushing doors marked PULL just like everybody else. VY, YA I PERSI BISHI SHELLI CHto takoe zhizn'? ZHizn' - eto kogda vy spuskaetes' vniz po lestnice ili sidite v kresle, chitaya gazetu. No eto i ne sovsem eto. ZHizn' - eto kogda vam skazali, chto pol v zale tol'ko chto natert voskom, |to kogda vy tolkaete dver' s nadpis'yu "k sebe" i tyanete dver' s nadpis'yu "ot sebya" i kogda, ot etogo vne sebya, ne zamechaete ob®yavleniya o tom, chto dver' zakryta vovse. ZHizn' - eto veselaya yarmarka, Na kotoroj vy shepchete: "Dorogaya! Esli u nas budet mal'chik, nazovem ego imenem tvoego papy" - na uho izumlennomu prohozhemu, potomu chto vasha dama, kotoraya vy dumali idet ryadom, ostanovilas' u vitriny gastronoma i vostorzhenno razglyadyvaet appetitnoe (kak vo vremena Adama) yabloko. |to kogda vy nazyvaete follikulyarnuyu anginu neprigotovlennym urokom geografii i posylaete svoego hnychushchego syna v shkolu tol'ko zatem, chtoby chasom pozzhe on vernulsya obratno, pokrytyj nesomnenno genial'nymi chernil'nymi pyatnami (a eto neminuemo). |to koncert, na kotorom soliruet trombon v soprovozhdenii Iegudi Menuhina. O, ZHizn'! Kogda by ne zabavnye vremya ot vremeni dorozhnye proisshestviya, CHelovechestvo nikogda ne zabyvalo by o konechnom punkte svoego puteshestviya. Odnazhdy kto-to sravnil SHelli s prekrasnym, no neudachlivym angelom, bespolezno mashushchim svoimi oslepitel'nymi kryl'yami v bezvozdushnom prostranstve. I takoe sravnenie lichno mne ne kazhetsya strannym. Ibo ono oznachaet, chto vse my - brat'ya po neschast'yu, I SHelli tyanul dveri s nadpis'yu "ot sebya" i tolkal dveri s nadpis'yu "k sebe", kak i lyuboj iz nas, tol'ko v silu svoej genial'nosti neskol'ko bolee chasto. YA NE PODOZREVAL, CHTO UZHE POZDNO Muzhchina bez chasov! Bez teni somneniya vot kakoe sravnenie ya schitayu naibolee blizkim - |to soda bez viski. A kakoe dvizhenie harakterno dlya lyubogo muzhchiny i poetomu kazhdomu znakomo? |to vybrasyvanie vpered levoj ruki bez vidimoj prichiny i vzglyad na chasy, dazhe esli oni ostalis' doma. S togo samogo mgnoven'ya, kogda muzhchiny poyavilis' na svete, a mozhet byt' i ranee, Oni sami pered soboj rasstavili i sami soboj zaputalis' v beschislennye rasporyadki i raspisaniya. Bud' to lyubovniki, igroki v gol'f ili zheleznodorozhnye inzhenery, Vremya vsegda yavlyalos' sushchestvennejshim faktorom ih kar'ery. I poetomu mne kazhetsya eto po men'shej mere stranno, Kogda muzhchina ne znaet, yavilsya on pozdno ili slishkom rano. I dazhe chasy na stolbe emu ne pomogut, ibo on ne mozhet ni vzyat' ih s soboj, ni podladit' pod nih svoj marshrut. I samoe bol'shee, chto oni mogut, eto sluzhit' dlya sravneniya s chasami naruchnymi i pokazyvat' ot sluchaya k sluchayu, chto po sravneniyu s chasami na ruke oni bezbozhno vrut. Est' odna mysl', kotoraya vyskakivaet iz podsoznaniya muzhchiny (ya sam zamechal eto za soboj ne raz). I eta mysl' - kotoryj teper' chas? A zhenshchiny ne lyubyat chasov, oni ih terpyat tol'ko togda, kogda oni vpravleny v lyubimye imi kol'e, broshki ili braslety, Ili v kakie-libo drugie dostojnye ih predmety. Da, zhenshchiny ne nuzhdayutsya v chasah, i eto ochevidno, Ibo na ciferblatah ih chasov bez mikroskopa vse ravno nichego ne vidno. Vremya est' nechto, k chemu oni otnosyatsya s poistine zhenskim negodovaniem, S chem oni postoyanno boryutsya, otricaya ego sushchestvovanie. A vprochem, opredelyaya zhensko-muzhskie otnosheniya ko vremeni, ochen' ne prosto razobrat'sya v chashche razlichnyh obstoyatel'stv i prichin. I lish' odno dopodlinno izvestno: chto gorazdo chashche muzhchiny ozhidayut zhenshchin, chem zhenshchiny zhdut muzhchin. ROBERT BERNS I BLOHA Zachem poet, potrativ vecher, Blohu v stihah uvekovechil? Ona b ne sdelala togo zhe, Probravshis' k genial'noj kozhe. THE LOUSE Robert Burns, that gifted souse, Kindly immortalized the louse, Who probably won't, when he is master. Immortalize this poetaster. NOSOROG YA ne zhelayu s nim vodit'sya. Na okorok on ne goditsya. Ne pojdu k nemu, o, net! On ne podhodit dlya kotlet. ZOLOTOE SERDCE ILI SAMYE ISKRENNIE IZVINENIYA HUZHE CHEM NICHEGO Est' lyudi, ryadom s kotorymi dazhe artezianskij istochnik ne idet ni v kakoe sravnenie, Kogda oni rassypayut svoi sozhaleniya i izvineniya. Oni schitayut, chto luchshij sposob druzej zaimet' - |to snachala komu-to nasolit', a potom ego pozhalet'. V gostyah oni vmig ozhivlyayutsya pri vide nakrytogo stola, osobenno kogda na nem vdovol' spirtnogo. I posle pervogo tosta nachinayut seriyu dvojnyh i povtoryayut ih snova i snova. Esli vam udaetsya ih prervat', oni obizhayutsya i vskore uhodyat, no kak ni stranno, Provodiv gostej i sobirayas' lech' spat', vy zamechaete ch'i-to nogi, torchashchie iz-pod divana. Utrom oni tak neistovo umolyayut vas o proshchenii, nazyvayut sebya takimi unizitel'nymi slovami, CHto vy gotovy im prostit' ne tol'ko proshloe, no i vse budushchie pregresheniya, lish' by teper' oni perestali izdevat'sya nad vami. I takie lyudi, opredelenno, vstrechayutsya v kazhdoj kompanii. |to oni tolkayut vas pod ruku, kogda vy podnosite ko rtu lozhku bul'ona, i etogo nel'zya ugadat' zaranee. |to oni, kogda vy s zamiraniem serdca upivaetes' zvukami bozhestvennoj sonaty, Sigaretoj prozhigayut v skaterti dyru razmerom ne men'she srednego tomata. A zatem prinosyat massu izvinenij, izyskannyh nastol'ko, CHto v antologii velikosvetskih vyrazhenij oni by vyglyadeli vpolne dostojno. Ne potomu li mnogie otzyvayutsya o nih ves'ma lestno i govoryat, chto u nih - zolotye serdca. No uvy! Imenno oni, kogda vy beseduete s ocharovatel'noj zhenshchinoj, perebivayut vas na samom interesnom, ili, proezzhaya mimo na avtomobile, obdayut vas gryaz'yu s nog do golovy. I oni uvereny, tem ne menee, chto vy ne protiv togo, chtoby segodnya vas podvergli pytkam, Ibo zavtra, rassypaya svoi izvineniya, oni dostavyat vam takoe udovletvorenie, chto vse vcherashnie obidy pokroyutsya s izbytkom. CHto kasaetsya menya, to ya predpochel by uslyshat' neblagodarnoe slovo ot gostya, kotoryj menya pal'cem ne tronul, CHem poluchit' trogatel'noe pis'mo s izvineniyami za to, chto on perelomal mne kosti, ot naslednika anglijskogo trona. NE PODBROSITX LI VAS DO DOMA, MISSIS MERGATROJD? Est' odno utverzhdenie, kotoroe v ustah kazhdogo, kto imeet k nemu kakoe-libo otnoshenie, zvuchit ubeditel'no: Nikogda ne sleduet puskat' v svoyu mashinu passazhira s pravami voditelya. Ibo, esli vy postupaete tak, vash passazhir neizmenno stanovitsya na opredelennuyu tochku zreniya, Iz kotoroj sleduet, chto vy - man'yak, pomeshavshijsya na mysli ugrobit' ego v avtomobil'noj katastrofe, dazhe esli pri etom sami vy pogibnete vne vsyakogo somneniya. On nepreryvno vzdragivaet, podprygivaet, dergaetsya, nazhimaya nogoj na voobrazhaemye tormoza i pominutno udaryaya loktem vam pod rebra. Slovom, vedet sebya tak, kak esli by utrom, otkryv glaza, on obnaruzhil, chto v ego posteli - kobra! Ili zavodit kakoj-nibud' banal'nyj razgovor o pogode ili o chem-libo drugom v tom zhe rode, kotoryj dejstvuet na vas rasslablyayushche. I vdrug, menyaya temu, delaet upor na ogromnom chisle avtomobil'nyh avarij, s kazhdym godom vse bolee i bolee vozrastayushchem. Prichem on rasskazyvaet ne tol'ko ob avtomobilyah, kotorye popali v katastrofu, no i ob avtomobilyah, kotorye chudom ee izbezhali, i prepodnosit eto tak obstoyatel'no i dohodchivo, tak nudno i protivno, CHto vam sovershenno yasno: On schitaet vas odnovremenno i fizicheski i psihicheski defektivnym. A kogda v konce koncov vy blagopoluchno dostavlyaete ego do nuzhnogo mesta, on drozhashchim golosom licemerno blagodarit vas za vse, zhelaya tol'ko odnogo - poskoree vysadit'sya. I pokidaet vas s takim licom, kak esli by on vyhodil ne iz mashiny, a spuskalsya s viselicy. I eshche dolgo idet po trotuaru ves'ma neuverenno, kak by somnevayas', chto vse blagopoluchno oboshlos', na kazhdom shagu pominaya vas vsyakimi nedobrymi slovami. A vy trogaete s mesta, bormocha sebe pod nos massu nelicepriyatnogo otnositel'no etogo lica s voditel'skimi pravami. I klyanetes', kak by ni slozhilas' vasha sud'ba, ni za chto ne prisoedinyat'sya k chislu teh, kogo vy teper' klyanete. No esli zavtra kto-nibud' ?podbrasyvaet? vas po puti domoj, vy poteete tak, slovno s golovoj pogruzhaetes' v ledyanuyu vodu, kogda na vashih glazah pereklyuchayut s pervoj skorosti na tret'yu na povorote. A vse delo v tom, mnogouvazhaemye sen'ory, CHto vse my prirozhdennye shofery. Inymi slovami, kazhdyj, kto sidit v avtomobile ryadom s voditelem, schitaet sebya masterom vozhdeniya, korolem, Kotoryj umeet vodit' mashinu nesravnenno luchshe togo, kto sidit za rulem. SO THAT'S WHO I REMIND ME OF When I consider men of golden talents, I'm delighted, in my introverted way, To discover, as I'm drawing up the balance, How much we have in common, I and they. Like Burns, I have a weakness for the bottle, Like Shakespeare, little Latin and less Greek; I bite my fingernails like Aristotle; Like Thackeray, I have a snobbish streak. I'm afflicted with the vanity of Byron, I've inherited the spitefulness of Pope; Like Petrarch, I'm a sucker for a siren, Like Milton, I've a tendency to mope. My spelling is suggestive of a Chaucer; Like Johnson, well, I do not wish to die (I also drink my coffee from the saucer); And if Goldsmith was a parrot, so am I. Like Villon, 1 have debits by the carload, Like Swinburne, I'm afraid I need a nurse; By my dicing is Christopher out-Marlowed, And I dream as much as Coleridge, only worse. In comparison with men of golden talents, I am all a man of talent ought to be; I resemble every genius in his vice, however heinous Yet I write so much like me. TE, KTO NAPOMINAET MNE MENYA Kogda poroj velikih vspominayu, YA voshishchen soboj v takie dni, S velikimi sebya sopostavlyaya. O, kak pohozhi my! - YA i oni. Imeyu slabost' ya, kak Berne, k butyli. Kak Aristotel' - znayu vkus nogtej. Kak u SHekspira - znanie latyni. Vysokomeren - slovno Tekkerej. Kak Bajron, zhazhdu slavy nepremenno. Zloraden, slovno Pop (no dlya dobra!). Vzdyhayu, kak Petrarka, o sirenah. Kak Mil'tona, menya gnetet handra. Kogo ni vzyat' - pohozhie najdutsya CHerty so vsemi. Pocherk moj toch'-v-toch' Takoj zhe, kak u CHosera. Iz blyudca, Kak Dzhonson, kofe pit' i ya ne proch'. Kak Svinborn, ya ponyne s nyan'koj druzhen. YA, kak Vijon - bespechnyj debitor. Mechtayu, slovno Kolridzh, tol'ko huzhe. Igrayu v kosti - Marlo, Hristofor. Primetami vseh geniev napichkan, YA polon samyh raduzhnyh nadezhd. V odnom ya tol'ko chelovek obychnyj - Svoi stihi pishu, kak Ogden Nesh.