. :*) [:] - 8-) B:-) , ::-) , B-) 8:-) - :-)-8 - :-{) :-{} {:-) }:-( :-[ :-E :-F , :-7 - :-* - :-)~ :-~) :'-( :'-) :-@ :-# :^) :v) , :_) - :<) :-& =:-) -:-) - -:-( ( ) :=) +-:-) - - `:-) ,:-) ... |-I |-O / :-Q - :-? O-) - ! O :-) - ( ) :-P --! :-S :-D ! :-X :-C - <|-) <|-( , :-/ C=:-) @= . *<:-) :-o ! (8-o ! *:o) ! 3:] 3:[ d8= E-:-) :-9 %-6 [:-) (:I <:-I K:P @:-) :-0 ! :-: .-) ,-) ... X-( 8 :-) - C=}>;*{)) -... , , : , - . :) :] =) ... :} ? (?) :) :> ? :@ ? :D :I ... :( :[ :< ? :{ ? :O :C ? :Q ? :,( [] :* |I |^o :-` :-1 :-! " :-@ :-#| :-$ :-% :-6 - :^) :-7 8-) :-* - :-& :-0 (:-( (:-) ):-) " ):-( )8-) =:-) =:-( ( ) +:-) :-q :-e :-t :-i :-o :-p :-[ :-] :-{ :-} {:-) }:-) ... :-a :-s :-d g-) :-j :-k , - - :-: :-\ :-| " " ;-) :-< - :-x " " :-c :-v :v) :-b :-/ - :-? .-] ,-} 0-) (?) :-=) :> :-) - |-) - |-D - :-> - 8 :-I Unix- :-( - X-( :-I E-:-I net.ham-radio :-O - >:-I net.startrek :-P - 3:o[ net.pets |-P :-} :-{ :-# :-Q <:I (:I @:I 8-) B-) 8:-) :-8( >:-< :-( :-) :-o 8-| :- >- |-O 8-# 8 ---<--{(@ ! Flame form Dear: [ ] Clueless Newbie [ ] Lamer [ ] AOLer [ ] "Me too" er [ ] Pervert [ ] Geek [ ] Spammer [ ] Nerd [ ] Elvis [ ] Fed [ ] Freak [ ] Scientologist [ ] Scammer [X] Dumbass [ ] Pre-teen You Are Being Flamed Because: [ ] You posted binaries in pieces LESS than 5000 lines [ ] You posted something asking for warez sites [X] You quoted an ENTIRE post in your reply [ ] You continued a long, stupid thread [ ] You started an off-topic thread [ ] You posted a "YOU ALL SUCK" message [ ] You posted a blatently obvious troll [ ] You posted pretending to be someone famous (See "troll" above) [ ] You replied to the above message type believing it was someone famous [X] You said "me too" to something [X] You suck [ ] Your sig/alias/server sucks [ ] You posted a phone-sex ad [ ] Your ad sucks anyway since nobody asked for it [ ] You posted a stupid pyramid money-making scheme and claimed it was legal [ ] I think you might be a fed [ ] You spam [ ] You posted in ElItE CaPiTaLs because you think that makes you kEwL [ ] You didn't do anything specific, but appear to be so generally worthless that you are being flamed anyway To Repent, You Must: [ ] Stop masturbating for a week [X] Give up your AOL account [X] Be my love slave for a month. [ ] Tell your Mommy you've been a bad boy [ ] Jump into a bathtub while holding your monitor [ ] Actually post something relevant [ ] Read the FAQ [ ] Be the guest of honor in alt.flame for a month In Closing, I'd Like to Say: [X] Blow me [ ] Get a life [ ] Never post again [ ] Age 10 more years before you post again [ ] I pity your dog [ ] Go to hell [ ] Yer momma's so fat/stupid/ugly that etc... [ ] Take your shit somewhere else [ ] Get fucked, you pathetic loser [X] Learn to post or fuck off [ ] All of the above END FLAME Frequently Answered Answers.  Yes Sure you can Yes of course , No, shame on you! , 1.000.000 roubles $200 500.000 roubles $100 250.000 roubles $50 Cash on the nail! ,   ( ) / / "" / . . . . . . . , , , , , . ... Robotron ... * * * * * * - ? ' Any Key , , , , , . ... Windows'95 ... * * * * * * 28 carrier 300, , , , , -. ... ... * * * Enter , , , , -, . . ... Keyboard ... * * * , , , , - ! ... Antivirus ... * * * * * * , , , . ... Windows 3.1, Windows'95 ... * * * * * * , , . ( ) . ... Daewoo ... * * * * * * Doom, GIF , 30 , . , , , . ... Playboy ... - -8 . -7, -6, -5 4. Top 10 Signs You're Addicted to the net http://205.253.16.3/humor.htm http://205.253.16.3/humor.htm 10. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed. 9. You get a tattoo that reads "This body best viewed with Netscape Navigator 1.1 or higher." 8. You name your children Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom. 7. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one. 6. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap...and your child in the overhead compartment. 5. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access. 4. You laugh at people with 2400-baud modems. 3. You start using smileys in your snail mail. 2. The last girl you picked up was a JPEG. 1. Your hard drive crashes. You haven't logged in for two hours. You start to twitch. You pick up the phone and manually dial your ISP's access number. You try to hum to communicate with the modem. You succeed. YuN.  http://yun.complife.net/ , Ctrl-Alt-Del, , "" , , , , . , , format, , - , dump' . Copyright, 100 , , . , , - . - - , , . -, , , Yamaha. , , XT, , , DOS , , INT' BIOS , . , , y , - . , Aidstest', - , password'. - , debug' , . , , reset... , - RET, , . , , , , . , Windows y , Hard Disk'. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp: Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?" Tech Rep: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?" Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?" Tech Rep: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?" Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer." Tech Rep: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?" Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it." At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load draver of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive. DOOM II Copyright (c) 1996 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- ( , , DEATHMATCH "" ( / "") ) . - . " , , !" " ." , ! . , - . - - , - - . , . . ? , . , . - , . , . . , , ! 1996 Be careful with installation Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend3.1 to GirlFriendPlus1.0 (marketing name: Fiancee1.0). Recently he upgraded Fiancee1.0 to Wife1.0 and it's a memory hogger, it has taken all his space; and Wife1.0 must be running before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife1.0 came with Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw and BrotherInLaw. Some features I'd like to see in the Upcomming GirlFriend4.0... - A "Don't remind me again" button - Minimize button - Shutdown feature - An install shield feature so that Girlfriend4.0 can be completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other objects) I tried running girlfriend 2.0 with girlfriend 1.0 still installed, they tried using the same i/o port and conflicted. Then I tried to unistall girlfriend 1.0 but it didn't have an uninstall program. I tried to uninstall it by hand, but it put files in my system directory. Another thing that sucks in all versions of girlfriend that I've used is that it is totally "object orientated" and only supported hardware with gold plated contacts. ***** BUG WARNING ******** Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources. Programmer's drinking song 100 little bugs in the code, 100 bugs in the code, fix one bug, compile it again, 101 little bugs in the code. 101 little bugs in the code..... Repeat until BUGS = 0  .  . , . , . , . , . , . , . , . , . , . , . , . , . , . , . , - . , . , . , . , . , . , . , . Things you learn about computers from the movies 1. Word processors never display a cursor 2. You never have to use the spacebar when typing long sentences. 3. All monitors display 2 inch high letters 4. High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, have easy-to-understand graphical interfaces. 5. You can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard. 6. Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS". Viruses cause temperatures in computers. After a while, smoke billows out of disk drives and monitors. 7. All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villian's desktop computer, even if it's turned off ... 8. Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. The REALLY advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer as the characters come across the screen. 9. People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data or going through the shut down process. 10. A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world and guess the secret password in two tries. 11. Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function 12. When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building 13. If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also disappears from the screen. There are no ways to copy a backup file. 14. No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is useable by all computer platforms. 15. Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional, real-time, photo-realistic animated graphics capability. 16. Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face.   From: . Email: nedbus@te.net.ua mailto:nedbus@te.net.ua WWW: http://www.te.net.ua:8081/~nedbus/ http://www.te.net.ua:8081/~nedbus/ - " ! ?" YuN. supervisor'e http://yun.complife.net/ Novell' ; supervisor, Cyberdaemon' . : upgrade , , , , , . , , . : Prefclub' Lines . , hidden, , . supervisor : ! ! (C) YuN, 1996   From: Paul_Chibisov@dialogbank.com . , . , . , , . - . , . , , , . , . : "!" . , . , ... , . , .  () http://www.aha.ru/~lleo/ http://www.aha.ru/~lleo/ " p" N%3-4 1998 ( ) - , , SLIM, . -. - - ? H. , , , . - -. ? , -. - , , SX-25, , - Windows-NT. H NT - . - -. , -, Trident-256, ISA- ? , ? , . , , . - -. ? , -, -, , , - , ? - , , . LPT-, GAME- COM - . H , ISA-. - , . -, . , , , , COM2 . - - -, , , . , . , 'Y' - 'Z'. - . H , , ! -, , ! , . ? ? ? ? ! . , ... . - . , . , 30 . -! VGA. 640 480 . - . H , : - . , . -. ? , CD-ROM. , PLAY - , . , , - , - , . - - -, ? , -, , -, , , - , , . , - , , - CD-ROM - . - , . ? MAXTOR, . , - bad. H - . - DOS, H F4. -! - . . - , . - , , - , , . -, - . , - - . H, , -. - . ? - . ? H - , . . 2400 -, . H , , . - . , . -! , AWE-32, , , . . ? 9 - 2 , 2 , 2 , 2 , - . , . , . H , , . -. - , " , ?". , - , - . - -, - -, - , - , - - , - - , CD-ROM - , - - , , - , - , - , AWE-32 - , - - , - , - - - ! , . H , , , , , , - . H . -! ! ! , , , : " , 220. 110 - ! H , - - ! - ?" , .  * BEATLES for UNIX *  Yesterday Yesterday, All those backups seemed a waste of pay. Now my database has gone away. Oh I believe in yesterday. Suddenly, There's not half the files there used to be, There's a milestone hanging over me. The system crashed so suddenly. I pushed something wrong, What it was I could not say. Now all my data's gone and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay. Yesterday, The need for back-ups seemed so far away. I knew my data was all here to stay. Now I believe in yesterday. Eleanor Rigby Eleanor Rigby Sits at the keyboard and waits for a line on the screen Lives in a dream Waits for a signal Finding some code that will make the machine do some more. What is it for? All the lonely users, where do they all come from? All the lonely users, why does it take so long? Guru MacKenzie Typing the lines of a program that no one will run; Isn't it fun? Look at him working, Munching some chips as he waits for the code to compile; It takes a while... All the lonely users, where do they all come from? All the lonely users, why does it take so long? Eleanor Rigby Crashes the system and loses six hours of work; Feels like a jerk. Guru MacKenzie Wiping the crumbs off the keys as he types in the code; Nothing will load. All the lonely users, where do they all come from? All the lonely users, why does it take so long? Unix Man(1) (Nowhere Man) He's a real UNIX Man Sitting in his UNIX LAN Making all his UNIX plans For() nobody. Knows the blocksize from du(1) Cares not where /dev/null goes to Isn't he a bit like you And me? UNIX Man, please listen(2) My lpd(8) is missin' UNIX Man The wo-o-o-orld is at(1) your command(1). He's as wise as he can be Uses lex(1) and yacc(1) and C UNIX Man, can you help me At(1) all? UNIX Man, don't worry Test(1) with time(1), don't hurry UNIX Man The new kernel boots, just like you had planned. He's a real UNIX Man Sitting in his UNIX LAN Making all his UNIX plans For() nobody ... Making all his UNIX plans For() nobody. Write in C ("Let it Be") When I find my code in tons of trouble, Friends and colleagues come to me, Speaking words of wisdom: "Write in C." And as the deadline fast approaches, And bugs are all that I can see, Somewhere, someone whispers: "Write in C." Write in C, Write in C, Write in C, oh, Write in C. LOGO's dead and buried, Write in C. I used to write a lot of FORTRAN, For science it worked flawlessly. Try using it for graphics! Write in C. If you've just spent nearly 30 hours, Debugging some assembly, Soon you will be glad to Write in C. Write in C, Write in C, Write in C, yeah, Write in C. BASIC's not the answer. Write in C. Write in C, Write in C Write in C, oh, Write in C. Pascal won't quite cut it. Write in C. Something Something in the way it fails, Defies the algorithm's logic! Something in the way it coredumps... I don't want to leave it now I'll fix this problem somehow Somewhere in the memory I know, A pointer's got to be corrupted. Stepping in the debugger will show me... I don't want to leave it now I'm too close to leave it now You're asking me can this code go? I don't know, I don't know... What sequence causes it to blow? I don't know, I don't know... Something in the initializing code? And all I have to do is think of it! Something in the listing will show me... I don't want to leave it now I'll fix this tonight I vow! Power On 1. Power on 2. , . 3. , . : " :(". . . 4. , , , , . 5. . , .( , , " , ?!" .) 6. , . , , .... . , , . " !!!"- -" :E~". 7. : ", , ...". , . " , , ... ... ",- , : " !!!",- . 8. . , , , : " . ! - ." , . 9. . . , , , . 10. ", ?"-, . - . " ! ... " -, . " , ?" -, . " , ?",- . " , ",- ,-" ...". 11. , , dma irq - ... , . ... 12. , , . , , , , , ." @#$%?, ...". 13. , , ... , . . " ?",- ,-" , , ". ... Chain letter "This message has been sent to you for good luck in sex. The original is in a room in Palaiseau. It has been sent around the world nine times. The sex has now been sent to you... If you don't then you will never receive sex again for the rest of your life. You will be celibate forever. This is no joke".  Haiku error messages for Windows Did you know that Sony has announced its own computer operating system w available on its hot new portable PC called the Viao. Instead of oducing the cryptic error messages characteristic of Microsoft's Windows 98, 95, 1 and DOS operating systems, Sony's chairman Asai Tawara said, "We intend capture the high ground by putting a human, Japanese face on what has en - until now - an operating system that reflects Western cultural hegemony. For example, we have replaced the usual impersonal and unhelpful crosoft error messages with our own Japanese haiku poetry." The chairman went on to give examples of Sony's new error messages: ---------------------------- A file that big? It might be very useful. But now it is gone. --------------------------------- The Web site you seek Cannot be located but Endless others exist. ---------------------------------- Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and reboot. Order shall return. ---------------------------------- ABORTED effort: Close all that you have. You ask way too much. ------------------------------------- First snow, then silence. This thousand dollar screen dies So beautifully. ------------------------------------- With searching comes loss And the presence of absence: "My Novel" not found. ------------------------------------ The Tao that is seen Is not the true Tao, until You bring fresh toner. ------------------------------------ Window NT crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death. No one hears your screams. ----------------------------------- Stay the patient course Of little worth is your ire The network is down. ----------------------------------- A crash reduces Your expensive computer To a simple stone. ----------------------------------- Yesterday it worked Today it is not working. Windows is like that. ----------------------------------- Three things are certain: Death, taxes and lost data. Guess which has occurred. ----------------------------------- You step in the stream, But the water has moved on. This page is not here. ------------------------------------- Out of memory. We wish to hold the whole sky, But we never will. ------------------------------------- Having been erased, The document you're seeking Must now be retyped. ------------------------------------ Rather than a beep Or a rude error message, These words: "File Not Found." -------------------------------------- Serious error. All shortcuts have disappeared. Screen. Mind. Both are blank. YuN.  http://yun.complife.net/ ( ) , Quake - , , , . , , - . , - , , , - , ! , , - . , - HTML' Photoshop'e. , , , -, , -. , , , - . , , , , ? ? ! - . , , , . , , , , , . FAQ', - , , . ,