-- , !
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---------------------------------------------------------------
[1/40, , ] - .
[420- ] - 386 , 4 , 120 .
- ;
- ;
- ;
- - ;
- ;
- -
-
-
-
-
-
- 286
- UPS
- tower
- decktop
-
[any key] - .
[Can't open] (. [Invalid request]) - --
,
-, .
[divide overflow] - , (
) .
[PC ] - , 3,5" 5,25" (.).
[system halted] - . "System halted"
. "divide
overflow"(.), Big Blue's IBM "
".
[WISIFIG] - , .
ADN Any day now
AFAIK As Far As I Know
AMF Goodbye (Adios Mutha-...... )
AWGTHTGTTA? Are We Going To Have To Go Through This Again?
BBS Bulletin Board System
* BCNU Be Seein" You
BTW By The Way
CU See You
CUL See You Later
DIIK Damned if I know
FITB Fill In The Blank....
FWIW For What It's Worth
FYI For Your Information
GD&R Grinning, ducking & running (usually left at the
end of a digging message)
GROK As in "I GROK" means thorough understanding.
GIWIST Gee I Wish I'd Said That
IC I See
IMHO In My Humble Opinion
IMNSHO In My Not So Humble Opinion
IOW In Other Words
JSNM Just Stark Naked Magic
L8R Later
LAB&TYD Life's A Bitch & Then You Die.
LOL Laughing Out Loud
NBFD No Big F***ing Deal
OFTPATHIRIO Oh F.. k This Place And The Horse It Rode In On!
OIC Oh, I See
OTOH On The Other Hand
PFM Pure F***ing Magic
PITA Pain In The Arse
POV Point Of View
ROTFL Rolling On The Floor Laughing
RSN Real Soon Now
RTFM Read The F$cking Manual
SYSOP System Operator
TANJ There Ain't No Justice
TANSTAAFL There Ain't No Such Thing As A Free Lunch
TPTB The Powers That Be
TTBOMK To The Best Of My Knowledge
TTFN Ta Ta For Now
TTUL Talk To You Later
WTF What the F***
WYSIWYG Whats you see is whats you'se gets.
**************************************************************
, ! !!!
() COPYRIGHT 18. 07. 1995 BY DENIS SADOSHENKO
FIFTH MEASURING
===============================================
[] (. []) - .
: :
ZI
Z
Z
L
L
ARJ
ARJ
I
I
[] (. [], []) - BBS.
[] - . (* .*)
[] - .
[] - .
[] - , .
[] (. [], []) - to boot.
[] - VAX.
[] - .
[] (. [], [], [], [ ]) - HDD.
[] - .
[ ] - three fingers salute, Ctrl-Alt-Del.
[] - VGA.
[] - ( Game Over).
[] - to gate.
[] (. []) - ,
. ,
, .
[ ] - .
, ,
. , .
[] - , . : UUIO.EXE
, ,
. (* "
". 15 .*).
[] - GNU C.
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[- ] - DEC.
[] - .
[] - (BUG').
[] - .
[] - motherboard. .
[] - .
[] - ( , ?).
[] (. []) - DR-DOS.
[] (. []) - EGA.
[ ] - .
[] - hardware.
[] - .
[] - , .
[] - (.) (.).
[] (. []) - file request.
[ ()] - (share)
( ).
[] (. [], []) - dialer.
[ ] - (environment variable).
[ ] - Videoton
. , . (
-
).
[] - (.).
[] - , chip.
[] - CGA.
[] (. [], []) - .
[] - (* .*).
[] - .
[] - .
[] (. [], [], []) - PC.
[] - to connect.
[-] - Ctrl-break
[] - ( `' ,
: ` ?').
[] - .
[] (. [], [], [], []) - '@'.
[ !] - .
[] - 1). Moria. 2). "". (?
. :-)
[-] - cache memory.
[] - .
[] - to log in.
[ ] - break watch (. ).
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[] - ( . "map") (* .*)
[] (. [], []) - .
[ ] (. []) - motherboard.
[] -
[] - interface.
[()] - message.
[] - .
[] (. []) - (,
).
[] - .
[] - mouse (* .*).
[] (. []) - .
[] - MSX- .
[] - .
[ ] - no carrier/handshake error.
[ ] (. []) - Netware ( FIDO).
[-] - Norton guide.
[ထ] - .
[] (. []) - .
[] - .
[] - , , , .
[] - - ...
[] - . [].
[] (. []) - poll.
[] (. []) - .
[] - to reboot.
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[] (. []) - .
[] - .
[] - 1). . (*" Microsoft
Windows."*) 2). (
to boot).
[] (. []) - , .
[] (. [], [], [], [], [] - ( )
, ,
`RESET'.
[] - (mouse pad).
[ ] - Hold -.
[] - . ,
.
[ ] - kill -BUS (Unix).
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. (*
: " ... !"*).
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[] - , ,
.
[ ] - - , -
, - . (
Mach 3).
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[] - , . (* ...
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[] - sysop'a.
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, ( :-).
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[] - to shell.
[__] - ,
, carrier.
[] - (* !*).
[] - - - FTP.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. Good User - Dead User !
2. IBM - , .
3. Motorola - , .
4. BASIC - "".
5. "
- ,
,
...." (P.S.
[ptr@kiae.su])
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- . 2). "".
7. WINCHESTER - , ,
. - "".
8. UTILITY - , .
9. MEGABYTE - .
10. LINKER - - . ,
, !
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.
12. : " 'Any
key'?".
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. . (
(.)).
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20. if-else ""(.). (
?)
...
if (masha > 18) {
taxi(gastronom);
gastronom(bottle);
taxi(masha);
}
else if (vera == home)
taxi(vera);
else
walk(home);
...
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30. : .
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32. :
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33. " - , !"
34. : " ?"
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35. ( ) -- .
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36. , - .
37. Soft * 10E-06 = Microsoft. (: American + trend * 10E06 = American
Megatrend)
38. , .
40. - ,
, .
41. - .
42. - EGA. (,
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- , - .
44. , , :
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45. : ,
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.
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48. :
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So, the programmer still alive.
Now he deside to go to the black market and buy PC (He was a Soviet
programmer).
, , .
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55. : - ; :)=| - ; :- - .
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! - .
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: run time error...
: swap disk! ( hot key!)
: .. ..
disk: ...file not found... !
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open - - ! .
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:-)
:))
:-)
, ... :(
, :(((
, !!!
, ...
No Kills ! No sends ! ( )
!
, !
!
,
president@whitehouse.gov, -
- -- vice-president@whitehouse.gov. -
, ,
root@whitehouse.gov.
, - - -
: " , -
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( )
This has been circulating on the Usenet newsgroup :
God calls Bill Gates, Bill Clinton and Boris Yeltsin to his office and says,
"The world will end in 30 days. Go back and tell your people."
Yeltsin goes to the Russian people and says, "I have bad news and I have
worse news. The bad news is that we were wrong, there is a God. The worse
news is that the world will end in 30 days."
Clinton goes on TV and tells the American people, "I have good news and I
have bad news. The good news is that the basic family values upon which we
have based our lives are right; there is a God. The bad news is that the
world will end in 30 days."
Gates goes back to his executive committee and says, "I have great news and I
have fabulous news. The great news is that God thinks I'm important. The
fabulous news is that we don't have to ship Windows '95!"
-
, , :
- , , !
- ?
- , ,
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( )
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- , ... ! ,
! :(
, **
Steve Summit scs@adam.mit.edu
als@vl.ts.kiev.ua
. 1986 ;
,
.
, , ".
. 1" . -
?
---------------------------------------------------------------------
, .
. ,
. ,
, ,
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---------------------------------
! _!
! { }!
! | |!
! | |!
!. -.!!. -.!
!. -!!!!. -.!
!!!!;!
! \;!
! \;!
!!:!
!! |!
!| |!
!!
! _______________________________!
. 1.
From: mobil.perm.su!sae@pulsar.ac.msk.su (Alexander E. Soloviev)
DOS, !
ASCII - ,
-
DOS`e, .
NC ,
- DOS ,
"" ,
-
DOS`e, .
,
-
NC ,
- DOS ,
"" ,
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DOS`e, .
,
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-
DOS`e, .
AIDSTEST - ,
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,
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"" ,
-
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"" ,
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From: sae@mobil.perm.su (Alexander E. Soloviev)
.
.
0101010101
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1 " " goto 3
2 " " goto 1
3 " " goto 2
: " " . ; OK!
X <- Y <- //@#$%&"~?|
- , .
((( (((((((((((((CHEESE))))))))))))))))))))))))(0)
k'_____________ ~ k' -|
k' ~
([|L1],L2,[|L3]) :-( (L1,L2,L3).
FP-
Apply-To-All/Reply-To-Nobody [F o G] o H :<1,2,3>
PAR
ruka.levaya ? inmos
ruka.pravaya ! transputer
OPS-5
(P - ^ ^ -> - ^ )
0.837465218456 0.8/0.8+0.9/0.9+1.0/7.0
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Hello Sergey!
Thursday August 03 1995 04:22, Sergey Troffimovsky wrote to All:
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/Alex
P.S. ,
,
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Windows
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From: "Vladimir V. Sivchik"
,
;
.
RESET.
DOOM
,
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-
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From: Artur Svider
.
: ",
"
----------------------------------
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.
-----------------------------------------------
/*
TOP SECRET Microsoft(c) Code
Project: Chicago(tm)
Projected release-date:
Spring 1995
*/
#include
#include
#include
#include "win31.h"
#include "evenmore.h"
#include "oldstuff.h"
#include "billrulz.h"
/*
Reference:
Internal memo #99281-95 from:
William H. Gates III
to:
Executive managers Chicago(tm)-project
William H. Gates III wrote:
"I have serious doubts about the 'EASY' installation-definition.
It might prevent customers to think that they actually bought something
_good_. Therefore I want the installation-definition to be 'HARD'.
Carry on,
God^H^H^HBill
*/
#define INSTALL = HARD
void main()
{
while(!CRASHED)
{
display_copyright_message();
display_bill_rules_message();
do_nothing_loop();
if(first_time_installation)
{
make_50_megabyte_swapfile();
do_nothing_loop();
totally_screw_up_HPFS_file_system();
search_and_destroy_the_rest_of_OS/2();
hang_system();
}
write_something(anything);
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
do_some_stuff();
if(still_not_crashed)
{
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
basically_run_windows_3.1();
do_nothing_loop();
do_nothing_loop();
}
}
/*
Reference:
Internal memo #99683-95 from:
Executive managers Chicago(tm)-project
to:
William H. Gates III
Executive managers Chicago(tm)-project wrote:
"Dear Sir,
Since we have found that this last piece of code within the 'if'-statement
will never execute, we descided NOT to include it in the final code.
This way we will save atleast another 5 megabytes of consumer-diskspace!
Thank you for listening to us,
the executive managers of the Chicago(tm)-project
"
*/
/*
if(still_not_crashed)
{
write_cheer();
finished();
}
*/
create_general_protection_fault();
}
*******************************************************************************
Windows: Just another pain in the glass
Double your drive-space: delete Windows !
Ever noticed how fast Windows runs ? Neither did I !
Windows: Turn your Pentium into an XT ...
Windows: The Gates of hell
Windows - The colorful clown suit for DOS
Windows'95 is out! (PC Magazine, April 2013)
MS-Windows could use yet another liposuction
Windows: XT emulator for an AT
Windows is for fun, OS/2 is for getting things done
OS/2 VirusScan -- "Windows found: Remove it? [Y,n]"
Windows'95: New look, same multicrashing
Windows isn't a virus, viruses do something
Help! There are Windows everywhere! In my car, my house
MicroSoft's marketing: "Windows is SEMI-shareware"
Windows: From the people who brought you EDLIN !
Time on your hands ? Get Windows !
"Fer sail cheep, Windows spel chekcer, wurks grate"
Microsoft Windows ... a virus with mouse support
Microsoft gives you Windows ... OS/2 gives you the whole house
Newsflash: Microsoft announces Visual Edlin for Windows
Sorry, this virus requires MicroSoft Windows 3.x
A computer without Windows is like a fish without a bicycle
Are you using Windows or is that just an XT ?
Bang on the LEFT side of your computer to restart Windows
Beat me, whip me, make me use Windows !
Breaking Windows isn't just for kids anymore ...
Bugs come in through open Windows
Coming soon: EDLIN for Windows
DOS 6.0 and Windows 3.1 - A turtle and its shell
DOS is just an operating system that runs Windows 3.1
Data to Picard: "No, Captain, I do NOT run WINDOWS !"
Despite my car having windows, it still isn't mouse driven !
Difference between a virus and windows ? Viruses rarely fail
Error #152 - Windows not found: (C)heer (P)arty (D)ance
Error 005: Windows loading - come back tomorrow
Exhibitionists love Windows
Father, forgive me, I've been caught using Windows ...
Have you crashed your Windows today ?
I can't wait for EDLIN to be ported for Windows
I still miss Windows, but my aim is getting better
I'll never forget the 1st time I ran Windows, but I'm trying ...
If I wanted Windows, I'd live in a greenhouse !
If Windows is user-friendly, why do you need a 678-page manual ?
If Windows sucked it would be good for something
Masochist: Windows programmer with a smile !
My latest screen saver: Curtains for Windows
New Windows 4.0: programmed in Turbo Logo++
New from McAfee: WinScan - Removes all Windows programs
OS/2 ... Opens up Windows, shuts up Gates
Out of disk space - Delete Windows ? [Y]es [H]ell yes!
Relax ... you are entering a windows free zone
Some windows were made to be broken
Windows - so intuitive you only need a meg of help files !
Windows 3.1 - The best $89 solitaire game you can buy
Windows 3.1 vs OS/2 = Michael Jackson vs Mike Tyson
Windows95 will be released as soon as Windows 3.1 finishes loading
Windows Multitasking: screwing up several things at once
Windows NT: Nice Try
Windows NT: Insert wallet into Drive A: and press any key to empty
Windows - A solitaire game that requires 16 MB and HD
Windows has the ability to screw up 2 things at the same time !
Windows ? We don't need no stinking Windows !
*******************************************************************************
And more...
Undocumented error-codes in Windows 95
Recently the following undocumented error-codes were found. Micro$oft
forgot to explain them in the manuals, so they will be spread via the internet:
WinErr: 001 Windows loaded - System in danger
WinErr: 002 No Error - Yet
WinErr: 003 Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every file
WinErr: 004 Erronious error - Nothing is wrong
WinErr: 005 Multitasking attempted - System confused
WinErr: 006 Malicious error - Desqview found on drive
WinErr: 007 System price error - Inadeqaute money spent on hardware
WinErr: 008 Broken window - Watch out for glass fragments
WinErr: 009 Horrible bug encountered - God knows what has happened
WinErr: 00A Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full
WinErr: 00B Inadeqaute disk space - Free at least 50MB
WinErr: 00C Memory hog error - More Rame needed. More! More! More!
WinErr: 00D Window closed - Do not look outside
WinErr: 00E Window open - Do not look inside
WinErr: 00F Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened
WinErr: 010 Reserved for future mistakes by our developers
WinErr: 011 Window open - Do not look outside
WinErr: 012 Window closed - Do not look inside
WinErr: 013 Unexpected error - Huh ?
WinErr: 014 Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of.
WinErr: 018 Unrecoverable error - System has been destroyed. Buy a new one. Old windows licence is not valid anymore.
WinErr: 019 User error - Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not!
WinErr: 01A Operating system overwritten - Please reinstall all your software. We are terribly sorry.
WinErr: 01B Illegal error - You are not allowed to get this error. Next time you will get a penalty for that.
WinErr: 01C Uncertainty error - Uncertainty may be inadeqaute.
WinErr: 01D System crash - We are unable to figure out our own code.
WinErr: 01E Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait.
WinErr: 01F Reserved for future mistakes of our developers.
WinErr: 020 Error recording error codes - Remaining errors will be lost.
WinErr: 042 Virus error - A virus has been activated in a dos-box. The virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will
automaticly be closed and the virus will be activated again.
WinErr: 079 Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been installed. Please click the left mouse button to continue.
WinErr: 103 Error buffer overflow - Too many erros encountered. Next errors will not be displayed or recorded.
WinErr: 678 This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
WinErr: 683 Time out error - Operator fell asleep while waiting for the system to complete boot procedure.
WinErr: 815 Insufficient Memory - Only 50.312.583 Bytes available.
Windows95 Annoyances, Copyright (C) 1995 - 1997 Creative Element.
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From: "Sadykov V A"
Newsgroups: relcom.humor
Subject: [News] .
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From: Alexey Zubanov
Newsgroups: relcom.humor
1-,
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Publishing Division
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p Ten Signs That Linux Has Bill Gates Worried
* 10 - New numbering scheme. Instead of Windows95, it is now Windows
3.1.pl95.
* 9 - His wife says he's wild in bed now. He is tossing and turning in his
sleep, not just laying there.
* 8 - Microsoft's headquarter moves to Finland.
* 7 - Window's performance is now measured in BogoGPF's.
* 6 - Bill's consulting with his lawyers on whether or not they could defeat
the GPL.
* 5 - 1995 is here. Linux is here. Something isn't.
* 4 - Flowers sent to Janet Reno with a note saying "What's a little
anti-trust between friends."
* 3 - Renames Star Wars action figures as "Bill Skywalker" and "Darth
Torvalds"
* 2 - Whenever someone asks him about Windows, all he can say is "X"
* 1 - He sent Linus the source for Windows95 with a note that says "HELP ME
SAVE MY ASS!"
Brian A. Lantz(brian@lantz.com)
Last updated: March 1, 1995
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Take your time to understand this riddle.
This is the funniest message I have ever read.
GOD ONLINE
************************
In the beginning there was the computer. And God said
:Let there be light!
#Enter user id.
:God
#Enter password.
:Omniscient
#Password incorrect. Try again.
:Omnipotent
#Password incorrect. Try again.
:Technocrat
*
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
:Let there be light!
#Unrecognizable command. Try again.
:Create light
#Done
:Run heaven and earth
#And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
#Approx. funds remaining: $92.50.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
:Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light
#Unrecognizable command. Try again.
:Create firmament
#Done.
:Run firmament
#And God made the earth. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
#Approx. funds remaining: $84.60.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
:Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and let
the dry land appear and
#Too many characters in specification string. Try again.
:Create dry_land
#Done.
:Run firmament
#And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
#Approx. funds remaining: $65.00.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
:Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night
#Unspecified type. Try again.
:Create sun_moon_stars
#Done
:Run sun_moon_stars
#And God saw the day and the night. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
#Approx. funds remaining: $54.00.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
:Create fish
#Done
:Create fowl
#Done
:Run fish, fowl
#And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that
creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged
fowl after its kind. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
#Approx. funds remaining: $45.00.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6.
:Create cattle
#Done
:Create creepy_things
#Done
:Now let us make man in our image
#Unspecified type. Try again.
:Create man
#Done
:Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and have
dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air and over
every living thing that creepeth upon the earth
#Too many command operands. Try again.
:Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 6 errors.
:Insert breath
#Done
:Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 5 errors.
:Move man to Garden of Eden
#File Garden of Eden does not exist.
:Create Garden.edn
#Done
:Move man to Garden.edn
#Done
:Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 4 errors.
:Copy woman from man
#Done
:Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 3 errors.
:Insert woman into man
#Illegal parameters. Try again.
:Insert man into woman
#Done
:Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 2 errors.
:Create desire
#Done
:Run multiplication
#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
:Create freewill
#Done
:Run freewill
#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
:Undo desire
#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
:Destroy freewill
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
:Help
#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
:Create tree_of_knowledge
#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
:Create good, evil
#Done
:Activate evil
#And God saw he had created shame.
*
#Warning system error in sector E95. Man and woman not in Garden.edn.
1 errors.
:Scan Garden.edn for man, woman
#Search failed.
:Delete shame
#Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.
:Destroy freewill
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
:Stop
#Unrecognizable command. Try again
:Break
:Break
:Break
#ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER GOING DOWN FOR
REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES. PLEASE LOG OFF.
:Create new world
#You have exceeded your allocated file space. You must destroy old files
before new ones can be created.
:Destroy earth
#Destroy earth: Please confirm.
:Destroy earth confirmed
#COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME SUNDAY, MARCH 6 AT
6:00 AM. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW.
#And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Saturday, March 5.
#Approx. funds remaining: $0.00.
To
Igor Roshchin's homepage.
Some Important Theological Questions are Answered if we think of God as a
Computer Programmer.
Q: Does God control everything that happens in my life?
A: He could, if he used the debugger, but it's tedious to step through
all those variables.
Q: Why does God allow evil to happen?
A: God thought he eliminated evil in one of the earlier revs.
Q: Does God know everything?
A: He likes to think so, but he is often amazed to find out what goes
on in the overnite job.
Q: What causes God to intervene in earthly affairs?
A: If an critical error occurs, the system pages him automatically and
he logs on from home to try to bring it up. Otherwise things can
wait until tomorrow.
Q: Did God really create the world in seven days?
A: He did it in six days and nights while living on cola and candy
bars. On the seventh day he went home and found out his girlfriend
had left him.
Q: How come the Age of Miracles Ended?
A: That was the development phase of the project, now we are in the
maintenance phase.
Q: Will there be another Universe after the Big Bang?
A: A lot of people are drawing things on the white board, but
personally, God doubts that it will ever be implemented.
Q: Who is Satan?
A: Satan is an MIS director who takes credit for more powers than he
actually possesses, so people who aren't programmers are scared of
him. God thinks of him as irritating but irrelevant.
Q: What is the role of sinners?
A: Sinners are the people who find new an imaginative ways to mess up
the system when God has made it idiot-proof.
Q: Where will I go after I die?
A: Onto a DAT tape.
[At least its not an 8mm tape.]
Q: Will I be reincarnated?
A: Not unless there is a special need to recreate you. And searching
those .tar files is a major hassle, so if there is a request for you,
God will just say that the tape has been lost.
Q: Am I unique and special in the universe?
A: There are over 10,000 major university and corporate sites running
exact duplicates of you in the present release version.
Q: What is the purpose of the universe?
A: God created it because he values elegance and simplicity, but then
the users and managers demanded he tack all this senseless stuff onto
it and now everything is more complicated and expensive than ever.
Q: If I pray to God, will he listen?
A: You can waste his time telling him what to do, or you can just get
off his back and let him program.
Q: What is the one true religion?
A: All systems have their advantages and disadvantages, so just pick
the one that best suits your needs and don't let anyone put you down.
Q: Is God angry that we crucified him?
A: Let's just say he's not going to any more meetings if he can help
it, because that last one with the twelve managers and the food
turned out to be murder.
Q: How can I protect myself from evil?
A: Change your password every month and don't make it a name, a common
word, or a date like your birthday.
Q: Some people claim they hear the voice of God. Is this true?
A: They are much more likely to receive email.
Q: Some people say God is Love.
A: That is not a question. Please restate your query in the form of a
question.
Abort, Retry, Fail?
=*=
To
Igor Roshchin's homepage.
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:-( -
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:-P -
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|-P
:-}
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8
---<--{(@ !
Dear:
[ ] Clueless Newbie [ ] Lamer [ ] AOLer
[ ] "Me too" er [ ] Pervert [ ] Geek
[ ] Spammer [ ] Nerd [ ] Elvis
[ ] Fed [ ] Freak [ ] Scientologist
[ ] Scammer [X] Dumbass [ ] Pre-teen
You Are Being Flamed Because:
[ ] You posted binaries in pieces LESS than 5000 lines
[ ] You posted something asking for warez sites
[X] You quoted an ENTIRE post in your reply
[ ] You continued a long, stupid thread
[ ] You started an off-topic thread
[ ] You posted a "YOU ALL SUCK" message
[ ] You posted a blatently obvious troll
[ ] You posted pretending to be someone famous (See "troll" above)
[ ] You replied to the above message type believing it was someone famous
[X] You said "me too" to something
[X] You suck
[ ] Your sig/alias/server sucks
[ ] You posted a phone-sex ad
[ ] Your ad sucks anyway since nobody asked for it
[ ] You posted a stupid pyramid money-making scheme and
claimed it was legal
[ ] I think you might be a fed
[ ] You spam
[ ] You posted in ElItE CaPiTaLs because you think that makes you kEwL
[ ] You didn't do anything specific, but appear to be so generally
worthless that you are being flamed anyway
To Repent, You Must:
[ ] Stop masturbating for a week
[X] Give up your AOL account
[X] Be my love slave for a month.
[ ] Tell your Mommy you've been a bad boy
[ ] Jump into a bathtub while holding your monitor
[ ] Actually post something relevant
[ ] Read the FAQ
[ ] Be the guest of honor in alt.flame for a month
In Closing, I'd Like to Say:
[X] Blow me
[ ] Get a life
[ ] Never post again
[ ] Age 10 more years before you post again
[ ] I pity your dog
[ ] Go to hell
[ ] Yer momma's so fat/stupid/ugly that etc...
[ ] Take your shit somewhere else
[ ] Get fucked, you pathetic loser
[X] Learn to post or fuck off
[ ] All of the above
END FLAME
Frequently Answered Answers.
Yes
Sure you can
Yes of course ,
No, shame on you! ,
1.000.000 roubles $200
500.000 roubles $100
250.000 roubles $50
Cash on the nail! ,
( )
/ / "" /
. . . . . . .
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... Robotron ...
* * *
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Enter
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... Antivirus ...
* * *
* * *
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... Windows 3.1, Windows'95 ...
* * *
* * *
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... Daewoo ...
* * *
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Doom,
GIF
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... Playboy ...
-
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-7,
-6, -5 4.
Top 10 Signs You're Addicted to the net
http://205.253.16.3/humor.htm
10. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and
check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
9. You get a tattoo that reads "This body best viewed with
Netscape Navigator 1.1 or higher."
8. You name your children Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom.
7. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling,
like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
6. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your
lap...and your child in the overhead compartment.
5. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two,
just for the free Internet access.
4. You laugh at people with 2400-baud modems.
3. You start using smileys in your snail mail.
2. The last girl you picked up was a JPEG.
1. Your hard drive crashes. You haven't logged in for two hours.
You start to twitch. You pick up the phone and manually dial
your ISP's access number. You try to hum to communicate with
the modem. You succeed.
, Ctrl-Alt-Del,
,
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True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:
Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech Rep: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty
period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech Rep: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech Rep: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am.
Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did
you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a
promotional. It just has '4X' on it."
At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't
stand it. The caller had been using the load draver of the CD-ROM drive
as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive.
Copyright (c) 1996
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
( , , DEATHMATCH
"" ( / "") )
.
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1996
Be careful with installation
Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend3.1 to
GirlFriendPlus1.0 (marketing name: Fiancee1.0). Recently he
upgraded Fiancee1.0 to Wife1.0 and it's a memory hogger, it has
taken all his space; and Wife1.0 must be running before he can
do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife1.0 came with
Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw and BrotherInLaw.
Some features I'd like to see in the Upcomming GirlFriend4.0...
- A "Don't remind me again" button
- Minimize button
- Shutdown feature
- An install shield feature so that Girlfriend4.0 can be
completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose
cache and other objects)
I tried running girlfriend 2.0 with girlfriend 1.0 still
installed, they tried using the same i/o port and conflicted.
Then I tried to unistall girlfriend 1.0 but it didn't have an
uninstall program. I tried to uninstall it by hand, but it put
files in my system directory. Another thing that sucks in all
versions of girlfriend that I've used is that it is totally
"object orientated" and only supported hardware with gold
plated contacts.
***** BUG WARNING ********
Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install
Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete
MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress
1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.
Programmer's drinking song
100 little bugs in the code,
100 bugs in the code,
fix one bug, compile it again,
101 little bugs in the code.
101 little bugs in the code.....
Repeat until BUGS = 0
.
, .
, .
, .
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Things you learn about computers from the movies
1. Word processors never display a cursor
2. You never have to use the spacebar when typing long sentences.
3. All monitors display 2 inch high letters
4. High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some
such governmental institution, have easy-to-understand graphical
interfaces.
5. You can gain access to any information you want by simply typing
"ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard.
6. Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by
simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS". Viruses cause temperatures in
computers. After a while, smoke billows out of disk drives and
monitors.
7. All computers are connected. You can access the information on
the villian's desktop computer, even if it's turned off ...
8. Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever
the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the
screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. The REALLY
advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer as the
characters come across the screen.
9. People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving
the data or going through the shut down process.
10. A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world
and guess the secret password in two tries.
11. Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function
12. When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the
control panels will explode, as will the entire building
13. If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file,
it also disappears from the screen. There are no ways to copy a
backup file.
14. No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by
any system you put it into. All application software is useable by
all computer platforms.
15. Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying
three-dimensional, real-time, photo-realistic animated graphics
capability.
16. Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that
it projects itself onto his/her face.
From: .
Email: nedbus@te.net.ua
WWW: http://www.te.net.ua:8081/~nedbus/
-
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Cyberdaemon' .
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supervisor
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(C) YuN, 1996
From: Paul_Chibisov@dialogbank.com
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http://www.aha.ru/~lleo/
" p" N%3-4 1998
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Yesterday,
All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away.
Oh I believe in yesterday.
Suddenly,
There's not half the files there used to be,
There's a milestone hanging over me.
The system crashed so suddenly.
I pushed something wrong,
What it was I could not say.
Now all my data's gone
and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.
Yesterday,
The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
I knew my data was all here to stay.
Now I believe in yesterday.
Eleanor Rigby
Sits at the keyboard
and waits for a line on the screen
Lives in a dream
Waits for a signal
Finding some code
that will make the machine do some more.
What is it for?
All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
Guru MacKenzie
Typing the lines
of a program that no one will run;
Isn't it fun?
Look at him working,
Munching some chips
as he waits for the code to compile;
It takes a while...
All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
Eleanor Rigby
Crashes the system
and loses six hours of work;
Feels like a jerk.
Guru MacKenzie
Wiping the crumbs
off the keys as he types in the code;
Nothing will load.
All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
Unix Man(1) (Nowhere Man)
He's a real UNIX Man
Sitting in his UNIX LAN
Making all his UNIX plans
For() nobody.
Knows the blocksize from du(1)
Cares not where /dev/null goes to
Isn't he a bit like you
And me?
UNIX Man, please listen(2)
My lpd(8) is missin'
UNIX Man
The wo-o-o-orld is at(1) your command(1).
He's as wise as he can be
Uses lex(1) and yacc(1) and C
UNIX Man, can you help me
At(1) all?
UNIX Man, don't worry
Test(1) with time(1), don't hurry
UNIX Man
The new kernel boots, just like you had planned.
He's a real UNIX Man
Sitting in his UNIX LAN
Making all his UNIX plans For() nobody ...
Making all his UNIX plans For() nobody.
When I find my code in tons of trouble,
Friends and colleagues come to me,
Speaking words of wisdom:
"Write in C."
And as the deadline fast approaches,
And bugs are all that I can see,
Somewhere, someone whispers:
"Write in C."
Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, oh, Write in C.
LOGO's dead and buried,
Write in C.
I used to write a lot of FORTRAN,
For science it worked flawlessly.
Try using it for graphics!
Write in C.
If you've just spent nearly 30 hours,
Debugging some assembly,
Soon you will be glad to
Write in C.
Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, yeah, Write in C.
BASIC's not the answer.
Write in C.
Write in C, Write in C
Write in C, oh, Write in C.
Pascal won't quite cut it.
Write in C.
Something in the way it fails,
Defies the algorithm's logic!
Something in the way it coredumps...
I don't want to leave it now
I'll fix this problem somehow
Somewhere in the memory I know,
A pointer's got to be corrupted.
Stepping in the debugger will show me...
I don't want to leave it now
I'm too close to leave it now
You're asking me can this code go?
I don't know, I don't know...
What sequence causes it to blow?
I don't know, I don't know...
Something in the initializing code?
And all I have to do is think of it!
Something in the listing will show me...
I don't want to leave it now
I'll fix this tonight I vow!
1. Power on
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"This message has been sent to you for good luck in sex. The original is in
a room in Palaiseau. It has been sent around the world nine times. The sex
has now been sent to you... If you don't then you will never receive sex
again for the rest of your life. You will be celibate forever. This is no
joke".
Haiku error messages for Windows
Did you know that Sony has announced its own computer operating system w
available on its hot new portable PC called the Viao. Instead of oducing the
cryptic error messages characteristic of Microsoft's Windows 98, 95, 1 and
DOS operating systems, Sony's chairman Asai Tawara said, "We intend capture
the high ground by putting a human, Japanese face on what has en - until now
- an operating system that reflects Western cultural hegemony. For example,
we have replaced the usual impersonal and unhelpful crosoft error messages
with our own Japanese haiku poetry."
The chairman went on to give examples of Sony's new error messages:
----------------------------
A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
---------------------------------
The Web site you seek
Cannot be located but
Endless others exist.
----------------------------------
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
----------------------------------
ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have.
You ask way too much.
-------------------------------------
First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
So beautifully.
-------------------------------------
With searching comes loss
And the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.
------------------------------------
The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.
------------------------------------
Window NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
-----------------------------------
Stay the patient course
Of little worth is your ire
The network is down.
-----------------------------------
A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.
-----------------------------------
Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.
-----------------------------------
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
-----------------------------------
You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
-------------------------------------
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
-------------------------------------
Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.
------------------------------------
Rather than a beep
Or a rude error message,
These words: "File Not Found."
--------------------------------------
Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
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==================================================
From: Alexander Temerev Date: 23 Sep 99
#!/usr/local/bin/perl
# The Party
# () ;)
# warning: DON'T TRY THIS at home! DEMO-VERSION!
require "girls.pl";
require "friends.pl";
require "music.pl";
#$p - p
$p=12;
use ORGY;
use locale;
open (MIND, "<>___y") or die ('p yy...');
open (SAY,">_p") or die (', ?!');
open (EARS,"<y") or die ('y p!');
$y=new ORGY;
@friendphones=$y->get('phone',@friends);
@girlsphones=$y->get('phone',@girls);
open (HLD, "") or die ('- p !');
@py=<HLD>;
foreach $py ($py) {
if ($py=~/(|||)/) {push @, $py}
if ($py=~/(|p|||p||)/)
{push @y,$py}
}
close HLD;
foreach $phone (@friendphones)
{
call $phone;
open (VOICE, "<>".$phone->$py) or die (' ! :(');
$_py=$_($phone);
print VOICE "y, $_py. y? ! ...";
$=<VOICE>;
#y pp , ...
if ($=~//i) {push @p,$_py."\s"}
}
PHONE: foreach $phone (@girlphones)
{
call $phone;
open (VOICE, "<>".$phone->$py) or die (' ! :(');
$_y=$_($phone);
print VOICE "p, $_y. y y yp, ";
print VOICE " p?";
$=<VOICE>;
unless ($=~//i)
{
print VOICE "? ? p, ";
print VOICE " , @p yy...";
$=<VOICE>;
unless ($=~/(||p|yp|( )?)/i)
{
print VOICE "$, y - ? y ";
print VOICE " p... y y!";
$=<VOICE>;
unless ($=~/(||p|yp|( )?)/i)
{
print MIND "y ... pp...";
print VOICE "y , !";
close VOICE;
next PHONE;
}
}
}
push @y,$_y;
print MIND "y $_y ...";
}
unless (@y)
{
print MIND "... y p y?";
$=1;
}
#
while ($_!=@y+@p)
{
$y=<EARS>;
if ($y=~/$__p/)
{
open (DOOR,"p")
$=new VISITOR;
unless ($) {die ('p yy...')}
$=$->info('name');
$=$->info('sex');
if (@p=~/$/ or @y=/)
{
print SAY "p, $! !";
$_++;
}
else
{
print SAY "py p, y y y. H ";
print SAY " ?";
}
close DOOR;
}
}
# , !
while (@)
{
$y=shift @;
@p=split ("y!"x3,$y);
$_p=$p[0];
$_y=shift @y;
$_=0;
@p_=(" py!",
" p !",
" !",
" !",
"!.. p, , y!",
" p !!!",
" p!",
" !",
" yy!",
" y yy!",
"!");
#p : p $y_ p
#__ p !
$y_=<MIND>;
print SAY "Hy... ".$p_[$_];
$_++;
open ROT, ">_p";
print ROT $_p;
print ROT $_y;
close ROT;
$p_++;
if ($) {print SAY "pppp!"}
else {print SAY "-!"}
if ($y_)
{
print SAY " , y y !\n";
print SAY $y_;
}
}
# ;
unless ($ or $p_>=$p) {
$=new MUSIC;
$_y_y=$->p('
')[int(random($))];
$->($_y_y);
sort __p @y;
while (not $_)
{
$=shift @y;
print SAY "$, ?";
$=<EARS>;
if ($=~/(||p|yp|)/i)
{
dance ($);
# pp y: 774 = rwxrwxr--
if ((stat($name))[2]==774)
{
$y=$;
kiss ("light",$y);
print SAY ", p?";
$=<EARS>;
if ($=~/(||p|yp|)/i)
{
@rooms=<_>;
foreach $ (@rooms)
{
if (open(DOOR, $->$p))
{
$->enter;
close DOOR;
lock DOOR;
kiss ("french",$y);
sex ($y);
$_=1;
}
}
}
}
}
}
sleep int(exp($p_))*3500;
die "!";
( )
http://www.livejournal.com/users/myxomop/686013.html
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is a robbery! Any of you fucking pricks move, and I'll execute every
motherfucking last one of you!
, : We love you, Honey Bunny!
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...
MyxoMop, 2003-2004.
From:
.
,
,
, ,
.
Fish in thick tomato sauce
Swims in happy comatose
Only me, pathetic wimp,
Have no fucking place to swim.
,
H
...
Down the river drifts an axe
From the town of Byron.
Let it float by itself -
Fucking piece of iron!!!
,
-
.
Girls have called me to the party -
I decided not to come,
It's because my clothes are ugly
and my dick is a tiny one.
,
, ,
.
Starlet's fallen from the heavens
Right into my boyfriend's briefs,
I don't mind his roasted penis
If it helps us live in peace.
,
.
I was sleeping with my honey absolutely naked,
I have taken my panties off just to make a statement.
I hv bn thr - .
W r th hmins - .
b bb, bb gd b - , .
b r nt t b? - ?.
I fll in lv - .
I will nvr giv u - .
h dr - .
I'm ging t mk u min - .
Finnish l - .
d influn - .
hn sllr - .
Gd rduts - .
Lt's hv rt - .
rss s br t ntinu - .
n Yu hr m - .
Undrssd ustm mdl - .
niur - .
I'm just sking - .
I lv u bb - , !
How do you do? - ?
All right! - !
All Rights Reserved - .
By the way - .
I'll be back - .
I've just seen your balance sheet - ... . ;
Origin: http://www.livejournal.com/community/ru_root/207282.html
( :)
- (fagot) , ...
:) (jackill) , .
Must Die, "" "" - ,
- Microsoft Windows (tm), :)
, MS Windows, MS Windows.
R.I.P - Rest In Peace, , ,
must die.
[] [. ] - , " ", .. " "
... ,
,
Slackware.
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:)
" " - linux.org.ru
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/ - , - ( udaff.com).
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- X- (XFree86, xorg).
- http://freshmeat.net
- EDonkey.
1.
( , , )
2. ,
( , )
3. _______________ -
( ; , -, , ??, , ,
)
4. ___________________________ -
( , ? , )
5. _____ -
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( ? ? ?, )
7. ________ -
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8. ===== -
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9. _ -
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10. ?.. - ! , !!! - , , , !!!
, ? , ? , ? .
, ! -, !
The past few days according to LJ
Jan 2006
http://azurelunatic.livejournal.com/4817217.html
[Edited to add: The Alliance of Readers' Keyboards, Monitors, Housemates &
Pets have advised that food and/or beverages be put to the side before read
ing.]
Malicious Security Crackers: "We used to take an account and try out about 40,000 passwords on it in
about 5 seconds to see if it would unlock.
LJ doesn't let us do that anymore. Damn that LJ! We'll show them! Here, have a malicious script!"
Malicious script: *takes 5 most commonly used passwords, tries them on 40,000 different accounts*
4000 LJ accounts: *unlock*
Malicious Security Crackers: "Score!"
LJ Geeks: "O RLY."
LJ: *stops allowing even remotely easy passwords*
4000 LJ users: "Hey! That was a perfectly good password! Why'd you make me change it?"
LJ Support: *facepalm*
LJ Geeks: *write more code*
LJ Admin: "Release the code!" *pokes server*
LJ Server: *falls over* "Error 500! Ow!" *can't get up*
LJ Admin: *blush*
LJ Addicts: "OMG ERROR 500!!"
LJ Support: "We know."
Bantown Crackers: "Hey, cool security flaws in Javascript, IE, and Firefox!"
Security Flaws: "How are you gentlemen?!"
LJ: "What happen?"
Bantown Crackers: "All your base are belong to us."
LJ Admin: "Subdomains for everybody! Fuck off, craxx0rbitches."
Free Users: "Yaaaay!"
Paid Users: "...no fair. Like we ever use voice post."
Permanent Users: "STFU, n00bs."
LJ Admin: "What they said. Suck it. Security reasons. Plenty of other sites out there."
Early Adopters: "Where's the LOVE?"
brad: "STFU, n00bs."
_____xo_so_em0_x_xx_____: "MY UNDERSCORES! WTF!"
LJ Support: "You got a rename token, so suck it."
so__________gratuitous_x_x_x: "WTF? They got a free rename token and I didn't?"
LJ Support: "It's called restrictions on what subdomains can be named. Your username still works. Deal."
so__________gratuitous_x_x_x: "OMG THE HYPHENS!"
note_to_cat maintainer volunteering in Support: "Suck it."
Bantown Crackers: "We still got cookies, yo."
LJ Admins: "Oh no you don't."
All login cookies: *expire*
Bantown Crackers: "Well, fuck. Eh, more suckers to hack out there."
All previously logged-in users: "WTF? We're logged out!"
LJ Support: "Big frickin' deal. Log in again. Duh."
The half of LJ that wasn't paying attention: "...Dude. What did they do with the
passwords and URLs and shit? How come I got logged out?
Somebody? Anybody? Bueller?"
LJ Support: "OMG HEADACHE."
O RLY - Oh, really
OMG - Oh, my God
STFU - Shut The Fuck Up
WTF - What The Fuck
n00by - Newbe
( , - - ...)
" !"() = " , !".
" "() = " ".
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" "() = " !".
" , , , "() = "/".
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", !"() = " ....!".
" 400 , 402!"() = "".
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", ! !"() = " ".
" "() = "!".
" , !"() = " ".
", !"() = " ".
"... ... ??"() = " !".
" !"() - .
" "() = " ".
Origin: http://www.livejournal.com/users/olya_homelist/75927.html
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Origin: http://community.livejournal.com/ru_antireligion/432325.html
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Last-modified: Sun, 26 Feb 2006 08:23:39 GMT