aid assuring there was no better beer in the whole city. That offer and the way how he made it were those essential details contributing to his mystique. Later on very occasionally he could lose that mysterious way of behaviour and turn into helpless and lost infant but I think the cause of those transformations lied in the deepest essence of his being I could hardly decode. I remember how he looked at me saying nothing. I got embarrassed and asked him to stop looking at me that way but he just smiled and could tell me he just liked my eyes and it was a great pleasure to see me confused. I got uptight but realised that the man who was looking at me saying such things few minutes ago was unknown to me and I still knew nothing of him to feel offended. I even didn't know his name by the time he involved me in his own web. . . . . . . - , . . . . . , , , . , , , , -, , . , . . , , , , , . , . , . , , , , , , , , , , . , , , , . . . , , -- . , . . . ( ). , . . . . . . , . , . , , . Systematically drinking beer that came from distant country (where he spent few years accumulating a great spectrum of information living like a spectre with queer people staying alone) I heard a lot of his unbelievable stories but probably the most important things had not been told. I felt it all the time. He loved the country he left but he left it for a better lot. Such paradoxes filled up his life and made it more controversial and entrancing. I painfully realised how I got dependent on that communication and how hopeless it was to wait when such a person might show stable feelings and a real infatuation. I always tried to let along the thoughts of inevitability to get separated one day. But sometimes I wished so much to leave everything behind, to forget him, to stay alone and put my mind in order. All of a sudden order itself lost its sense. I got changed and moreover I started resembling him. He told me his name. I am not sure if it was real but I believed him. It was so simple to pronounce. , , , , , . , . , , . " , , ", -- . . , -- , . , , . , , , . , , , , . , ; , , ( ), , . , , , , , -, , , - , . , . , , -, , . , , , , , , , . , , . , , , , , . , , ... , , . . , , , , , , , , , , . , . . , , . , , , , , , . . , , . , "" , "" , "", "" , , "", , . , , , , , , , ; , , , , . , , , , , , , , , , , . , , , . . . , , , . , , , . , . I was calm aiming to touch his necklace on his arm. Greedy in words he shook my breast and grasped my hair. I was shocked. I was happy and excited feeling him doing all he did. He said that there was no need to get worried and it would be either over with no results just leaving some rags of memories, some splintered names and figures or it might last forever. I stayed calm and continued mindlessly recording his splashing phrases cutting my living guides. , , , , . . , . , , , , , , , , , , , , . , , . , , , , , , , , . . , , , , , , ... , , . , , . . , . , , , , , . "" . , , , , , , , , , . . , , , . . It was obvious I turned into him. When I closed my eyes I felt how his insanity lived inside my inner world, catching my each look searching for myself. I tried to perceive at least a piece of any idea born in me I gave birth to. I used to try escaping from his influence meeting other people, looking for new acquaintances. Being alone I was anyway kept in his aura, he ALWAYS was around. Covering me. People like something new but what happens if they face something what is not exactly life at all, what came from some forbidden world never known to humanity? That happened to me. Disorder... Panic. Sometimes it seemed my head was not mine. He just used it living in it as he needed badly a fresh space to accumulate his new concepts having no place for that in his own. Have you ever heard: I've lost my head! Yeah, I had. I really lost my head but later I plainly identified I found something more. I still have doubts how to call it: "Death" or "Resurrection"? Once being drunk I got especially excited though I felt no physical desire being near. He touched my shoulders, my face saying the things that could kill any thinking of some sexuality. Then I understood: it was brain love games. He loved my brain committing multiple intercourses... Periodically he was a definite and the only cure to me I'd been searching for being helpless to find an answer to a great number of misunderstandings I was drowning in in the human world. However sometimes I got shocked realising that it was just illusive help, and on the other side I felt it turned into an essential sickness I fell in being lost in his world. , , , , , . , , , , , , - , , - , , , . . , , . , , , , , . .. , - , , .. .. .. .. , , - , , , , , , .. .. .. .. .. .. .. - , , , , , , , . , . -, , , , , , , , . , , , , , , , , . , , , , . . , , - , - - , -, . , , , , , , , . , , , , . , , . , . , , , , , , , , , , . , , , , , - , , , , , , . , , "". , . . , . . . , , , . . , , , , , . , , , , , . . , , , . . , , , , , , , , , . , , . , , . , . . The things I miss. I only said I love. You said we were so beautiful. We would seat for hours in caf with nice coffee and gaze at the rain outside. Once I enjoyed him watching me in the mirror. Looking at my breast sleeping. Touching my breath losing. Living in my arms charming. I was his royal subject. He was my rouge-et-noir. Do Not Fall Apart In My Art Ride A Day And Night Drive Through And Never Lose My Door ... .. .... .... !!!!! ... Oh, my God! . All the same. The same shit and shite whores of both sexes. Taking one's time means losing yours and losing years hidden in the minutes of fascination. Stop inanity and feel what you are, WHAT YOU ARE. It is so simple, simpler than being. Greetings, everyone... I am obliged to all of you listening to me. I do appreciate your kindness and attention but will you give me a chance to fuck your brains?.. I do not feel pleasure touching anyone's body having the physical intercourse... Nothing is better than getting into a brain penetrating through. I obviously turned into him. Did he take my heart I wonder? , , , . , . . , . , . , , . . . . ... . . . . , . , , , , , , , . . . , , . , . : . , . , . . , . , . , . ! , ... , . . . . . , . . , , , . , . , , , , . : . . . , . . , , . . , , , , . , . . . , . . , , , , , , . , , , . , , , , , , , , , . . , , ? , , . , . , , , . , ... , . , . , , , , . , , . , . , , . . , , . , , . . , . . , . . , , , . , , . ? , , , , , , . , , . ..... - . , , . , , , , . , . , , . , , , . - , , , . , . , , , . , . - . , , . , , , ... . . , , , , ... , , , , . , , , , . , , . , . , . . . . , , , , , . ... ... : . . . . . . . . . . . . , , . . ??? , - , . . . . , . . . . , , ... , - ? , . , , , . , , . , . , . . . . . . , . , , , . . , , . , , . . , , , . , , , . - , , . . . . . , . , . , , , , , . , . -. , . , . - . - , . . , . , , - . , , , , -- , , , . , . . . , . . , , , , . , , , , ? , , , , , , , , , , : , , . , , . . ... , . , , , . , . .... ? ? - - , , , , , , "", , , , -- . , . , ?????? , , , , , , ??? , - , , , , , , . , , , - . , , - , ... - . . , , . . , . , , . , . Champaign and sex. Roden said it and disappeared in his own thought. He also said one day: stop inanity... and what happened then... Did he find something out of everything? , , . , , , , . - . , , , , , , "". , , , , . , - , , , . . , , - , . , . - - , , ... - , , , , , , , . ... ... , "". , , . - , , . , ; , , , , , . , . . , , , , , , , , , , . , . , -